So, what do two questionably insane men, one annoyed woman and a three-foot-tall Dwarven Tinkerer do while travelling through the night in a magical carriage towards a quest that could possibly divert imminent death? If you guessed sleep, you'd be mistaken. If you guessed they acted like mild-mannered adults, you'd also be wrong.

However, if you guessed they put the wagon on autopilot and get absolutely plastered on free booze, you’d be one hundred percent correct. The villagers had bombarded them with so much free supplies, which primarily included liquor only encouraged their reckless decision to drink. The choice of beverage was a locally brewed whisky that tasted less like a drink and more like a fire starter.

After a couple of drinks, Clemiticus introduced a game, which only added to the absurdity.

"It’s called truths or dares or drink. Hic!" Clemiticus had said. "Don't worry, it's suitable for minors." He gestured in Derrick's direction who, by this time, had tied his beard into a bowtie.

The sight of the drunken dwarf was impressive. Who knew that someone that size could hold his own against three adult-sized person things? Melly wondered in her inebriated stupor.

"How many times do I have to say it? I'm not a lumberjack. Or a bleeding miner." Derrick yelled. "I am a T, I, N, K, ER, RERR!"

"Well, I'm not going to correct you. Even if Dwarfs diggy, diggy holes. Okay, okay..." Clemiticus chuckled, making little to no sense by this point.

Clemiticus then spent the next ten minutes unsuccessfully explaining the game. "You choose truth or dare and have to do one of them. We ask the questions and stuff."

A blue light flashed above, and the new party member Nuecus swore. "Why the hell is that beautiful thing so bright? It's bloody disgusting!"

"A new social event has activated!" the fairy sang. The blue creature hovered in front of the Thaumaturgic magician and giggled. "Do you wish to begin the game 'Drunken truth or dare that will end in awkward silence?' If so, please select, accept."

"NO!" yelled Melly.

Clemiticus bounded forward and lunged at the blue square. He firmly planted his palm on the 'Accept' button, and the lads cheered.

"The event 'Drunken truth or dare that will end in awkward silence' will begin!" announced the fairy.

"Then, letsh shtart!" Clemiticus roared.

Melly facepalmed. "Not again."

"The event has started," the Fairy, now game announcer, boomed.

"If it's the truth, you need - I have a little something here!" Nuecus added and fished out a strange looking crystal and whacked it down on the table. "This fantastic gem has the awful ability to sense lies. It turns a beautiful shade of green that you see when you tell the truth. When some asshole's lying, it becomes browner than a latrine's worst nightmare!"

"Okay, okay, shhhhh!" Clemiticus commanded the already silent room. "Not so loud. I'll go first. I'll pick - truth." He chose triumphantly.

Melly eyed him unsteadily. "So, what does that mean?"

The fairy was more than happy to explain. "Now, you must ask my Master a question. And he must answer truthfully or suffer the consequences."

Melly eyed the impossible man across from her. "That's easy! Only one question. Where on Fanswald did you come from?"

Clemiticus stood in response and readied himself. He dramatically held his drink aloft and stared fixedly at it for a minute, as if its contents contained the universe. He ignored the looks of disapproval when he showered his audience with said contents of the universe and proclaimed.

"I come from a far-off land. A place where branded metallic monsters roam the world... Oh yes! There are concrete cities beyond comprehension and magic at the touch of a smartphone. You wouldn't believe the marvels I've witnessed while watching the odd movie on the internet," he said then paused for effect. "Well? Aren't you impressed?"

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

"I don't have a clue what you just said," Melly observed flatly.

They all looked at the crystal. Clemiticus was telling the truth. The rock was turning a brilliant emerald colour.

"Hey, brave boy! Why couldn't you just say not here?" Nuecus asked. "You kept waffling on like a loon."

"Yeah. I'm a traveller would've been enough!" Derrick groaned.

Clemiticus shrugged as he stumbled back to his seat. "I'm an adventurer! Well, come to think of it." Clemiticus talked to himself. "I have come to realise that I can’t log off, but I can still use the system?" He shrugged. "Oh well! I’ll cross that bridge when I throw up on it."

The three stared at him, confused.

"What are you talking about?" Asked Melly.

"Nothing!" he blurted.

"Well, are you finished, then?"

"Yep!" Clemiticus smiled.

"Good!" Derrick nodded. "Then shut up!"

"Okey, Dokey!"

"Okay, okay, my turn." Melly interrupted. "I choose the truth as well."

"Oh, that's easy!" Clemiticus chirped. "Why are you so angry all the time?"

Melly glared at him.

"Well, to be fair, it's like you've got, I don't know, a fire burning inside you. Yeah, that’s right, like you've got the temperament of a, a, dragon or something!" he added.

Derrick choked back a strange laugh.

Melly promptly threw her drink at Clemiticus' face and then poured herself another one.

"Well, I guess that's an answer all on its own!" Derrick chuckled.

"DARE! The fantastic turn is mine!" Nuecus shouted suddenly eager to play. "This is simply an awful game. I love it!"

The three jumped in their seats as Nuecus laughed. A wicked smile came over Clemiticus' face, and he lent towards Melly, who was still dripping from her previous attack.

"Hey? What are you......?" she protested. "Get out of my pocket!"

"Ah, HA!" Clemiticus shouted triumphantly. Melly's potato now in his hand. He tossed it over to Nuecus and commanded, "Eat it!"

Derrick fell off his chair, laughing. Melly sighed. She didn't care either way. Melly thought it would actually be pretty great if she could get rid of the damn thing. With no dramatic pause, Nuecus swallowed the whole vegetable in one gulp.

How the hell did he fit the whole thing into his mouth? Melly wondered. Miracle worker indeed.

"Well, that was a half-baked idea,” said Derrick, chuckling.

Clemiticus burst out laughing and Melly rolled her eyes at the horrible pun.

Derrick came round the table, wiping a tear from his eye. "Ok, my turn. I don't think we have any more potatoes left. Truth!"

Nuecus gave Derrick a wink.

"Why did you turn into a silly little bearded man?" Clemiticus asked, pointing at the tiny red-haired elephant in the room.

Melly had dearly wanted to know the answer to that as well. She had obviously known her father for the longest time but even she never thought her father would turn out this way.

Derrick looked down at himself as if for the first time and shrugged. "Haven't I always been like this? Red really is my colour."

They all laughed again. They were too drunk to make any sense out of his comment. Peculiarly though the crystal didn't change colour. It had stayed green the whole time.

The truth? Melly thought. Or am I just way too drunk?

"Wait, wait!" Clemiticus chimed in. "Let’s have a quick look at the Tinkerer's character sheet!"

"What's this disturbing character sheet you speak of?" asked Nuecus as he searched Clem’s face for an answer.

There was no response, but they all exchanged confused looks.

Clemiticus stood up and propped his foot unceremoniously on top of the table.

"A character sheet is a list of data about a party member," he said.

"And?" Nuecus waited for more information.

Clemiticus waved a hand and turned to the empty air between them.

"Inspect Derrick's Character sheet," he commanded.

"At once, master!" The fairy spoke diligently.

A large blue box flipped up, covered in text. On one side was a picture of Derrick in a murderous fighting pose. On the other was a bunch of stats and numbers and a quote underneath read:

What am I? A bloody garden gnome?

"Well, I'm not one!" Derrick pouted.

On the other side was a wall of text. On the top, it read:

RACE: Dwarf of the Softhammer Clan.

"What's a Softhammer?" asked Clemiticus.

"No idea." Derrick replied just as confused.

Melly read in stunned silence. Being plastered made it extremely difficult to read the simplest of words.

"A Dwarf?" Nuecus asked.

"Soft hammer? I hope that’s not a tool problem," Clemiticus pondered aloud.

"Nope!" Derrick shouted.

"So, you turned into a real Dwarf then, eh?" Clemiticus said, changing tack. "Good for you!"

Melly looked around the strange gathering and thought about the many years she had known her father. One thing was for sure. He was obsessed with tinkering. And one thing he used to complain about day in and day out was that his hands were "Too damn big!"

"Dwarves have some of the sharpest eyesight in the world." Derrick broke her silence. "I, um, heard stories about them when I was young. I adore tinkering, so having these small hands and perfect sight is perfection."

The crystal stayed unresponsive.

Clemiticus stood up abruptly and demolished his drink in one gulp.

"Okay! Well said! Now, it's my turn! Hit me up with a dare!" he roared.

"Hm..." Nuecus mused. "I know! Run around the carriage three times." He gestured with a twirling finger.

Clemiticus laughed. "Too easy!"

"Naked!" Nuecus added.

"Don't you dare..." commanded Melly.

Clemiticus grinned and ran for the exit. As he ran, he tore off his shirt and pants and bounded out into the night. Melly had turned away from his bare behind just in time. Her face instantly turned as red as her father's beard.

"What an idiot! I was only joking!" Nuecus called out as he ran after him. The carriage promptly stopped as the old man bundled up Clemiticus' discarded wardrobe.

The fairy announcer chimed in.

"Clemiticus has failed the event. Clemiticus has gained the title the bibulous."