Melly the village girl, was shit out of luck.

“Help!” she screamed, but there was no one to help her.

It should’ve been a wonderful day. All the signs were there... Blue skies, warm weather and green fields. But alas, she didn’t have the time to bask, for she was far too busy.

Melly clung to a tree-branch, transfixed on gnashing foamy teeth. A massive rabid wolf with bulging red eyes had chased her up the only tree in sight. She had little time to question why or how. Those questions weren’t important right now. Even if a wolf hadn’t been seen in these parts for hundreds of years.

Snarling, the beast lunged at Melly’s dangling limbs.

Chomp!

She screamed as teeth tore a chunk from her dress. “Why me?”

Melly was quite the adventurous one. She often dreamed of exploring the wide world beyond and today, of all days, she was determined to explore further than she’d ever done before. The sudden urge was as much as a surprise to her as it was her father, yet there she was on her own little quest to forage for dinner in a field far beyond the safety of her village.

When she’d left, she looked fit to take on anything. Now her favourite dress was covered in mud while her hair was a complete mess, and cuts and bruises covered most of her exposed skin. She glanced down, spotting her discarded fruit treasures which were currently been crushed by the massive paws of a snarling beast.

She let out a pathetic whimper at the sight. All she wanted was a little adventure and to provide a delightful meal for her father. Melly, however, got far more than she bargained for.

She looked up, pleading to the heavens.

"Please someone. Anyone! Help me!"

Only silence answered.

Melly closed her eyes as tears streamed down her cheeks. She bit down and fought off the urge to sob.

Pop!

Melly flinched.

"Holy Fuck! These graphics are incredible!" said a man. His voice oozed with wonderment.

“What?” Melly frantically scanned her surroundings.

Down the hill, a strange-looking man popped into existence from thin air. He was blonde and handsome even from this distance and for some reason was talking to himself, staring into blank space, while making weird finger motions.

“Who on Fanswald?” Melly said faintly.

The rabid wolf turned to the blonde fool for only a second. Somehow, the wolf decided that the crazy man wasn’t worth the hassle and turned back to Melly. Fangs snapped inches from her feet.

"HELP!" she called out.

Here, maybe, was a chance. An unlikely saviour.

A blue light flashed into existence, and a small creature materialised in front of the man, accompanied by a cheerful crescendo of invisible bells.

Bing!

"Greeting’s adventurer. I am the blue fairy and your helpful guide for this land."

"Oh, hi!" he said, clearly amused.

"HELP ME PLEASE!"

The man turned towards Melly and gave her a casual wave before resuming his attention to the blue flickering creature.

"You may call me what you want, Master. I’ll follow you throughout your travels and help you on your way!"

The fairy seemed to sing as it spoke with a hint of pride and joy.

"Great! Then I shall call you. Um, Fairy!"

The strange man seemed proud of his ingenious naming technique. Fairy nodded and grinned.

"Thanks, Master!"

Fairy flicked its wrist, and something further distracted the man.

“Now Master! Please pick your class.”

“Okay, cool,” the man said excitedly.

Melly struggled and her grip loosened, shifting her weight a few inches closer to death.

"Help!"

The man glanced towards her plight casually, then back at the imaginary object.

"Hang on, hang on!" He scratched his chin. "Now, what class should I pick?"

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

Melly gasped as both panic and confusion overwhelmed her.

"Class? What are you on about? Help me you, fool!" she pleaded.

The strange man turned, poked and prodded his fingers.

"So, my choices are Fighter, Adventurer or Spell Caster. So weird. What kind of game is this? What weird choices. Where’s the old school tank healer's DPS trinity system?"

"Help! HURRY!"

"Hmmm. Okay, I guess I will choose Adventurer, well-rounded character, jack of all trades but master of none. The Adventurer class has no special skills but unlike other classes can pick up multiple subclasses and professions,” he said, sounding like he was reading out loud. “Sounds nifty. I guess that's it then!"

The man nodded, then pressed something invisible.

Bing!

Instantly, a series of azure sparks surged skywards.

“Master! Master! Now you must also pick a name!”

"Oh, okay little fella. A name. Well, might as well use my usual gamer tag."

The odd man poked random fingers across the air and mouthed a string of syllables.

"Ha! There we go. Clemiticus the Splendiferous!”

Fairy, the fairy spun three times.

Bing!

"Greetings, one and all. The brave adventurer Clemiticus the Splendiferous has arrived in this wild land. Be grateful that such a strong, brave and handsome hero has blessed your world, Fanswald, with his presence!"

"Thanks, buddy!"

Clemiticus cheered and gave his new blue fan a thumbs up. After all this, he finally turned towards Melly.

"Now! Time for my first quest!"

"Quickly!" she cried.

"On my way," he said with a casual thumbs up.

Melly watched as Clemiticus strode over and punched the wolf in the back of the head.

"Yelp!" the wolf cried.

Bing!

"Clemiticus has learned Punch!" Fairy announced.

"What are you doing?" Melly cried. She momentarily forgot she was panicking, and now was incensed by the man’s idiotic attempt to kill himself.

Turning, the wolf faced its new dinner. Clemiticus cracked his knuckles and jabbed the air a few times. His fighting stance looked odd and far too playful.

"Come on, Doggo. Come have a go!"

Bing!

"Clemiticus has gained the skill taunt!"

Fairy beamed at Clemiticus with pride.

The wolf reacted exactly how a rabid animal would. Lunging forwards, it chomped down on the man's left arm. The massive weight of the beast thrashed back and forth. It was a mighty attempt to bring the man down. However, Clemiticus stood unflinchingly, mesmerised at the odd-looking scene before him.

"Master! Master! If you wish to fight, you must first equip a weapon."

"Ah! Whoops!" Clemiticus laughed and smacked his forehead with his free hand. “And how do I?"

The man was acting far too casual for a man who was currently being savaged by a rabid beast.

"Master! You’ve got an inventory in your pockets, sir! You should have a standard weapon as a part of your starting gear."

"Inventory?" asked Melly.

Clemiticus winked, "Cheers bud!"

He plunged his spare hand into his pocket and hauled an absurd amount of lustreless steel from the small opening. Flourishing it like a freshly caught tuna, Clemiticus shouted. "Aha!"

The wolf's eyes widened in shock. The broadsword fell, and with a single thwack, the beast lay cleft in twain.

Bing!

"Clemiticus has learned sword strike."

"Clemiticus has gained combat experience."

"Clemiticus has reached - level two!"

"What?" asked Melly. Her mind was struggling to piece together the insanity before her.

“Well, that was easy,” said Clemiticus the Splendiferous who returned the blood-soaked weapon to his magical pocket with a spattering of gore. He then Spun into a heroic pose to face Melly, grinning. “Outstanding!”

Melly was in complete and utter bewilderment. For a moment, she wasn’t sure whether to clamber up the tree to get away from the loon or climb down and thank him.

Melly gathered her thoughts, deciding on the latter when Clemiticus spoke.

"So, what do I get then?" he asked.

An eager expression fell on his face.

"Get?” Melly grunted as she climbed down.

"Yeah. like loot or something. That was a quest, right?"

He prodded and poked at invisible things all around himself as he spun in a circle. "Hey! Where's the EXP bar? I’m level two, right?"

"Get?" she repeated. "EXP? Level two? I don't know what you mean!"

Confusion slapped her across the face. The guy kept flipping between saviour and nutter.

"You know, it's a starting quest... so maybe a few coins and a pair of boots."

"A pair of boots. For what?"

"For the quest. You know like a reward. For saving you."

“How about a thank you?” she asked.

He shook his head.

She looked him up and down. He wore modest travelling gear, complete with a lovely pair of leather boots. "You want boots?"

"Yeah, that would be nice. Please reward me with boots!"

Clemiticus sounded far too enthusiastic.

"But you’re already wearing boots."

He looked down and inspected his outfit for the first time. "Why, hello there?" Clemiticus looked back and nodded. "Yep! Boots please."

Melly was incredulous. "Are those not good enough? They look pretty expensive to me."

"Well, of course! Regardless of looks, starting gear has no stats. So even a pair of dead rats tied to a string would be of greater benefit to me than these."

He shook his feet, one after another, as if to prove that the perfect fit of the boots was somehow an impediment. The blue fairy landed on the man’s shoulder and nodded in agreement.

Yep, she thought, screw this! He's nuts.

Without another word, she turned and walked away. An old memory flashed into her mind as she walked. Something her father had once said. There are two types of people you don't argue with: crazy and stupid. Unfortunately, Melly had found a man who appeared to be both.

Her father had always said, walk away. Get out of there and don't look back.

It was brilliant advice. So, she took it.

"Hey! Quest lady! Where are you going? Wait up!"

Clemiticus gathered all the grubby food items she had dropped and hurried behind her, dragging two halves of a wolf's carcass behind him.

No, she thought, don't talk back. Just walk away!

"Oh, here we go!"

Don’t encourage him just keep moving girl…!

He paused behind her, and with a strange squelching sound, he let out a cheer, as if he had won the village archery competition.

"What are you doing?" she asked frustrated, willing herself not to face him.

"Well, I am looting my reward, since you won't give me boots."

He sounded sulky now. As if this was entirely her fault for setting out on an adventure, only to get run down by a savage beast while gathering supplies, without the foresight of bringing an appropriately fitted pair of boots as a reward.

She placed fingers on the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. Her horror-filled curiosity had defeated her. With her will power spent, she let out a final defeated sigh. What she then saw would haunt her forever.

Clemiticus the Splendiferous was hopping, trying to insert his remaining foot into the second half of the wolf's carcass. With an odd plonk, a plop and a gush of gore, he examined his new boots and gave her a blood-soaked thumbs up.

Bing!

"Clemiticus has equipped: wolf boots!" Fairy said.

Clemiticus cheered.

"Plus, three stamina, baby!"

Melly shrieked, then stormed away.

Please don’t follow me! Please don’t follow me!

Unfortunately, today was not Melly’s lucky day.