“This is the best pie I’ve ever had! You should set your shop up closer to town!”
The armored human exclaimed at him excitedly. Humans tended to do that whenever they had the opportunity to see the true power of flour and meat combined into their final form.
“That is a great idea that I will definitely consider.”
The nice man that visited them a few days after their escape had apparently told his friends about the ‘hidden gem of the forest.’ While Chef had no aspirations of getting stuck to the baron’s overly colorful clothes or ending up in some monster’s hoard like other valuable rocks, he had to admit that the name held a certain charm.
“Welcome to The Hidden Gem. What would you like to eat?”
He gave his best welcoming smile to the man entering the clearing. The newcomer was wearing full leather armor and had an arsenal of weapons strapped to his back, hips, torso, and legs. Chef could see everything from a bow and knives to a sword and hammer.
Who needs that many weapons on them? Just leave them in your pantry like a normal person.
“I have come for the most exquisite cuisine of all: justice.”
There were three other adventurers in his little forest restaurant at the time, and all of them chuckled at the declaration.
“He’s just a chef, Shadow Armory. Seriously, just buy a pie and relax.”
Particular emphasis was placed on this stranger’s name or title or whatever, but Chef wasn’t initially sure why. The increased snorting and thinly veiled laughter helped him understand the derision inherent to the armor lad’s words. The man in question seemed a bit flustered at first before getting angry enough to unsheathe a sword and dagger.
Great. This must be my weekly fight. This definitely hasn’t gotten old.
The man moved towards him with embarrassing speed as Chef prepared to defend himself, which really just looked like standing there, bored. Just before he moved though, the armored lad who spoke earlier charged forward, knocking the walking insecurity complex to the ground.
“I won’t stand by while you assault a business owner in their own establishment, even if they are a goblin.”
Oh, Chef liked this lad. First, he bought three pies at the high price of five small coins each, and then he saved the goblin from having to fight more humans. Considering how fragile and murderable that shadow guy seemed to be, it was a welcome respite. He really didn’t want another lecture from Nerick on ‘the value of human life’ or whatever.
Humans.
As soon as the shadow guy got off the ground, their fight continued. Meanwhile, Chef opened up his pantry and pulled out some bread to snack on while watching the show. Fortunately for him, everyone was too distracted by the fight to observe the inside of his pantry with enough scrutiny to see his myriad of experiments currently going on in there.
You see, Chef had given up on humans, just not in the way that you’re thinking. He liked some of them and found them to mostly be charming, annoying, and/or pathetic, kind of like baby goblins. By the same token, he had also reached the conclusion that they weren’t going to help him reach his culinary peak. Not anytime soon at least. If he wanted to advance in his cooking, he’d have to do it himself.
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That was why he had an entire row of pulsing pastries in his pantry. It was for science. Science that taught him he could specify the species of meat he wanted when using Summon Ingredients, or even particular organs.
Chef really liked science.
“Oooooh that had to hurt!”
One of the other spectators chimed in as the lad tackled the shadow guy into a tree. Turned out that being in the audience made fights a lot more fun. How novel.
A few more punches landed, this time on the shadow guy’s ribs. After a creaking sound came from the downed punching bag, he finally yielded to the lad.
As they both got up from the ground, the victor made his way back to the rest of them, a smug smile on his face. The shadow guy pushed himself to his feet, a pained expression on his face all the while. He steadied himself against a tree for a few moments as the goblin’s patrons all celebrated the reigning champion of goblin fight club or something. Chef was only somewhat paying attention.
When the shadow guy made to leave, a voice called out to him from the clearing.
“You can’t leave.”
Chef stood right next to the man, looking about as imposing as he could while being half the adventurer’s size. It seemed to work though, as the man looked down at the goblin with abject terror. Who knew what this monster would do? What could it want?
“You didn’t buy a pie yet.”
The answer was, obviously, to cook more food.
----------------------------------------
“So, you really just cook food?”
The shadow guy asked the same question for something like the fifth time. Before Chef could even nod in response, the lad in shining armor once more came to his defense.
“For the hundredth time, Georg, yes! He cooks food! We’re not part of some cabal or cult that is trying to destroy the world or mankind or anything else! We eat food!”
There was no mistaking the look on shadow guy’s face as anything other than the shame that it was. He’d come here after hearing a rumor that his colleagues were eating monster food, assuming the worst. Chef got the feeling that this shadow guy probably did a lot of assuming in his life.
“I’m sorry for trying to kill you, Mr. Chef. I really thought you were some evil mastermind ensnaring all who would be able to oppose you, one by one, until your army could shroud the world in darkness. That’s on me.”
“Of course that’s on you! Who thinks like that?!”
The shining lad berated the shadow guy who was now looking away with even more embarrassment than before.
“The Shadow Armory,” came a whisper from someone so embarrassed that they could barely even say their own chosen name out loud. Humans should try the goblin method of naming. It was much simpler, more straightforward, and avoided these sorts of problems.
“Your name is Georg Mathers, and you were a farmer literally one year ago. Come off of it already!”
It seemed like some adventurers were willing to try just about anything in an attempt to look and sound cool, and this shadow guy was just one of those victims. The other adventurers had been passing the time with stories about some of them, each one more painful than the last. One guy even gave himself a new first name too. Weis or Vice or something, Chef didn’t remember. But the guy himself sounded like a shit; he was glad he’d never met him.
Chef handed the shadow guy a pie while giving him a bit of encouragement. The human ego was an incredibly fragile thing, and a little bit of goblin encouragement now and again was the least he could do for the inferior race.
“Here. It helps with the sadness of realizing how pathetic you are.”
The chuckling behind him told Chef that everyone was cheered up by his generosity, even if the man in question’s scowl only deepened.
It didn’t last long. The shadow guy beamed as soon as he’d taken a single bite of golden perfection. It didn’t take much longer for him to sit on the forest floor and just shovel the food into his mouth without any care for decorum or manners. It brought a smile to the goblin’s face to see just how effective his cooking had become.
After the last of the golden crust was devoured, the shadow guy gave him one last bow, quietly apologized, and made to leave.
“Wait.”
This time, the man turned around without apprehension. That also didn’t last long.
“You have to pay for that.”
He began to turn pale as he looked to his fellow adventurers, eyes pleading.
“I-I didn’t bring any coin…”
His colleagues ignored his call for aid, no doubt due to how unimpressed they were by his getting tackled before. That or humans, like goblins, enjoyed watching their own kind suffer. Either way, he was on his own and entirely without means of monetary remuneration. In goblin society that meant one of two things, and he’d promised not to murder anybody. So that only left…
“Then you’ll just have to work it off.”
The last drop of blood drained from the shadow guy’s face as the laughter in the clearing redoubled.