Something stupid happened today and Chef wasn’t happy about it. It wasn’t the deal with the awkward human, no. It was the condition he’d been given for their partnership and how quickly it had been tested.

He wasn’t allowed to kill humans.

An outrageously stupid rule. The first rebuttal was, of course, “what if they’re asking for it?”

His new partner had this to say.

“You’re much stronger than any of our adventurers, Mr. Chef. If they challenge you, just beat them and send them on their way.”

A great idea in theory. Reality was a little different.

“Uuuggghh.”

A groan came from his seat.

“Will you stop now or do I need to call the guard over?”

“I will never submit to evil!”

The little fucker had been at this all day. It had been cute at first; the little lady was, as the nickname suggested, quite small for her people. At only seven goblin feet tall, she was closer to Chef’s height than most of the humans he’d met. She was still a fair bit taller than him, but that didn’t make her any less short.

After all, tall for a goblin was anything but tall. He would know, he was a goblin.

She had shown up along with the other adventurers that poured out of the city every morning, but instead of buying a pie and moving on with her life, she decided to stick around. And then she just stared at him for a good half hour before suddenly proclaiming that he was a monster and drawing her comically oversized sword on him.

That was about four hours ago. He’d been sitting on her for half of that.

It wasn’t his fault, and this time he had witnesses! He’d been minding his own business and calmly disarmed the lady. When she kept going after him, he knocked her to the ground. When she still didn’t relent, he tried to pin her and ask the guards for help.

They just laughed, the unhelpful little shits. So now he just had to sit on top of her until she gave up.

“Will you just stop already? You’re scaring away business.”

“Hmf! Good! Nobody should patronize a store run by a monster!”

Chef just sighed as he continued to pin the girl. He could still hear the occasional chuckle coming from the town wall. They’d been all upset and worked up at first, but they calmed down as soon as they realized he wasn’t going to hurt her.

In retrospect, things might have gone better had they gotten involved. Stupid condition to not hurt humans.

“I will slay you for the good of mankind!”

“Why?”

“Huh?”

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

“Why is it good for your people that a cook has died? Is the act of cooking up and eating boars that offensive to you, small one?”

She continued to thrash about underneath him as her indignation reached a boiling point.

“I’m bigger than you!”

“Yes, and I am small. Therefore, you are bigger than someone who is small. Also known as—“

“Shut up!” She shouted with all the air left in her lungs before Chef sat down slightly harder to avoid more interruptions.

“Small. You are many feet shorter than your other kind.”

A gasping breath came from under him as he let up slightly. Now that he’d said his piece, she could go back to her nonsensical rants.

“I’m not that short! My dad is only a foot taller than me and I’m only twelve!”

Chef found that hard to believe.

“No. Your father is not closer to you in height than you are to me. Stop lying, little girl.”

“I’m not lying, you’re just stupid. I’m four feet tall and you’re only three!”

What ridiculousness was the tiny human spouting now? Had it never seen a foot?

“Look here, little one.”

Chef put his foot right next to her face as she winced away. She was probably reacting to the smell, but that worked just fine for him. Some punishment was in order on account of the several hours of annoyance!

“This is a foot. I am six of these tall. Therefore, I am six feet tall. You are seven. Math isn’t hard. You’re just dumb.”

Her face was a deep red at this point as she continued her attempts at freedom. Unfortunately for her, that would be very annoying for Chef, so she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

“You are so dumb! A foot doesn’t mean your foot; it’s a unit! Like a pound? Your ‘foot’ is only half a foot long!”

This was the most ridiculous and stupid conversation that Chef had ever had, and he used to live with newborn goblins. But even Kek and his ilk were smarter than this small one.

“Tell me then, tiny human. How can a foot be half a foot? You believe this is true and yet insist that I am the fool? Go to your father and get a better education. Then you may return to my humble cooking station to apologize.”

He stood up at that before wandering back over to his wares. The blonde-haired blue-eyed terror of a human stared at him from the ground for a full five seconds before scrambling for her sword. She then grabbed it, got to her feet, and pointed it at him.

This had gotten old, and it was about time for Chef to test something. Perhaps there was another way to get her to leave peacefully, but goblin diplomacy didn’t usually involve leaving the other party alive. He was out of his element, so he might as well throw some shit at the wall and see what stuck.

“How about this. You swing at me as hard as you can. If you draw blood then we can engage in combat. If not, you leave.”

“Deal!”

She shouted at him with maximum smugness. Part of Chef was proud at his improved ability to perceive human emotions, but the larger portion of him was trying to figure out what was wrong with this particular one.

“Haaaaaah!”

She charged him immediately. There was very little skill or style on display, and if his senses didn’t deceive him, there was little strength there either.

Metal reached green flesh and the metal bounced off, the hilt of the sword slipping between shaking hands.

“Whaaaaa?! How is that possible?!”

He calmly observed her stupid face for a moment before declaring the challenge over.

“You lose. Please leave now. Thank you.”

His wager successful, Chef went back to butter attempt number a lot. He lost count around one hundred and twenty-seven, which was still the largest number he’d ever counted to. He’d never needed to go that high before, but life sure was throwing him for a loop lately.

“Haaaaaah!”

She swung at him again, the blade bouncing once more as she and it both fell backwards onto the ground. Another sigh escaped his lips as he tried very hard to ignore her.

“Please either tell me how to make butter or leave. Thank you.”

She stood back up with much effort before leveling him with a decisively unimpressed look. A bit strange coming from the person who literally couldn’t harm the other, but hey, to each their own.

“I know, but I’m not telling!”

The stirring stopped suddenly as the little girl gained his full attention. Scenarios kept springing into his mind unbidden, plots that involved kidnapping and torture until he could learn the secret of butter. His partner never said he couldn’t torture people, right? These were trying times! Who could fault him for doing only what must be done?

His mind made up, Chef stood up to approach the little girl.

“Cyntheia! There you are!”

As always, the humans did nothing to help him and showed up at the worst possible moment.