“He’s still unconscious.”

“Yes, I can see that.”

The human Nerick was becoming more comfortable around him which, unfortunately, led to even more conversation. Due to the incredible thinking power so prevalent in members of his species, the human was prone to provide any and all comments on their situation to Chef. This was particularly helpful since Nerick also had no clue what he was doing.

In other news, Chef was getting more into sarcasm. He found that complaining and belittling made him feel better even if it didn’t change anything.

Maybe it’s just a goblin thing.

He shrugged before opening up his pantry. Questions like ‘what are you doing?’ or ‘is that pie supposed to be moving?’ were also becoming more common now that the mostly awkward guard suddenly discovered his tongue. That or it was an attempt to annoy him.

Either was possible, but the motivation was ultimately irrelevant. The conclusion was to ignore the man unless he felt like talking, and that was usually just to return the favor of annoying the man.

After preparing and posting the bait, Chef gave in, describing what he was doing. What was the point in ignoring someone if they won’t shut up anyway?

“This is super bait. I lay it on the ground and animals eat it. A full animal won’t eat a sleeping human. Ok?”

Nerick seemed to understand that he’d annoyed the goblin, but hadn’t relented in his questioning. Something about making sure Chef wasn’t trying to kill or sacrifice the now defenseless old man. As if he would do that.

He had only considered it for two, no, three minutes, tops.

“I appreciate that, Chef. Now what?”

This time it was the goblin’s chance to be confused.

“Huh?”

“Well, we made sure he won’t die in his sleep, but the guild master of the adventurer’s guild of Berics, the largest and closest city to us, wants you dead. He also knows that you apparently killed the son of the guard captain which, I might add, I’d still like to talk about, but that can wait for later. For now, we need to figure out what to do about this whole situation.”

Chef looked up and down at his business partner while considering what he just heard.

“Why we? They don’t want you dead, and I can just run away.”

Nerick gave him another one of his patented ‘that was fucking dumb what you just said’ looks. Chef didn’t care much for them before, but he liked them a little bit less every time he got one. Mainly because the goblin tended to deserve them.

“I’ve been seen helping a known fugitive escape. I’m a wanted man too, now. Like it or not, my fate and yours will be the same, one way or another.”

The look on Chef’s face was one of horror and disgust, like he’d just taken a bite out of a fresh pile of shit. Actually, based on his experience, literal shit went down more easily than this information did.

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“Look, I like you, Nerick, but I’m really bad at taking care of humans.”

The ex-guard’s eyes squinted are the small green man.

“What do you mean, exactly, by ‘bad at taking care of?’”

Chef scratched the back of his head as he suddenly found it difficult to look the man in the eye.

“Well, you know, sometimes you have to defend yourself, right?”

“Uh huh.”

“And, um, well, I use poison to fight, mainly. Since I’m just a goblin and we’re weak and all.”

“You sure about that?”

The man was looking at the unconscious adventurer who had been bested in single combat before the use of any poisons, and Chef decided to just get to the point.

“Look, me being strong is new to me. Before, I had to use poison clouds and stuff to fight or I would die a horrible death. Turns out, it’s really hard to not accidentally kill people with poison clouds.”

Silence filled the space between them for several moments as Chef began to sweat. The man couldn’t harm him, that much was true, but he was still incredibly worried about how he would respond. He really didn’t like this whole having emotions thing.

“So, you killed people. Some of them probably innocent bystanders. With poison.”

“Mainly on accident! The only people I’ve killed on purpose were trying to kill me first, honest.”

While Chef was confident in his ability to deceive, he was actually being sincere. Sure, he’d cooked and butchered humans back with his goblin clan, but those had always been killed by the raiders first. The only people he had killed himself before leaving the woods had been goblins.

And roblins, but those disgusting animals don’t count as people. Awful, pitiful, horrible little fucks that they are.

“So, you killed a bunch of people of accident, I take it, while trying to kill others. And that’s what worries you?”

The man’s words pulled Chef from his internal tirade against the worst living things on the planet just in time. He could really go off on that topic.

“Yes. I would really rather not kill you on accident, so perhaps it would be better for you to just go home. I’ll be fine on my own.”

Squinting eyes were his response. Again. Chef was really getting tired of that look.

“Chef. Are you telling me that you’d rather I go home and be sentenced to death rather than stay with you… because I might accidentally die?”

Another long pause filled the clearing before a not so majestic bird call loudly interrupted their dramatic tension.

“Yeeeeessss? But you can probably talk them out of it. You’re quite convincing and smart and observant and charming and—“

“I’m coming with you.”

“But I’m so irresponsible! Look at me!”

Chef gestured at and around his general person while Nerick gave him a half smile, wringing his hands. The awkwardness was returning just in time to see a desperate goblin at work.

“I can’t take care of a person! I was going to keep cooking right outside of that prison tunnel if you hadn’t gotten me!”

“Chef.”

The goblin calmed down just enough to breath and listen to his friend talk.

“Not to be too blunt about this, but I think you have it backwards.”

“Huh?”

“You’re a bit of a mess. The fact that you managed to make it this far in life is nothing short of a miracle. No, I’m the one that’s going to take care of you.”

Chef looked the human up and down and saw nothing but sincerity. And awkwardness, but that was always there and really didn’t count. There was also more than a little bit of concern which was new, but that probably paired with the sincerity.

“Oooohhh. Yea, that works. Welcome aboard, Nerick.”

The man smiled slightly while offering the goblin his hand.

Oh right, the shaking thing. I know how to do that.

Chef shook Nerick’s hand so vigorously that he jerked the man around like a kid playing too energetically with his toys. After a few seconds, he let go to see Nerick laughing hysterically. After a couple moments, Chef found himself joining in without knowing why.

“Ahahaha! Oh fuck, what has my life become?! I am so screwed.”

Nerick couldn’t help but voice his honest thoughts as the ridiculousness of the situation finally crashed over him.

“Don’t worry, buddy. I’ll be there for you.”

They began walking aimlessly, again, still having no idea where to go.

“That’s what I’m worried about.”

There was no destination in sight, no goal aside from general escape and survival, but that’s what helped them bond.

“I’m going to be honest, buddy. It worries me too.”

Nerick sighed as a comfortable silence finally returned to them. Now, they just needed to keep walking along without any more obnoxious discussions.

“So, about these innocent people you accidentally killed…”

Chef was regretting this already.