Chef was confused. He handed off a pie in return for tiny metal circles, already numb to the movement. His business was the furthest thing from his mind right now. Or, to be more precise, his current predicament left him unable to think of anything else.

Why did my business partner try to set me up with the stupid colorful human that wants me dead?

He couldn’t help but wonder about the obvious. It wasn’t the first time he’d done so in the hours following his fateful encounter. It was, however, the first time he got a response.

“Uhh I don’t know, man. Maybe you should just ask him?”

The random and forgettable human gave him advice that he never asked for. Well, that wasn’t strictly true. The human gave him advice on a situation he never meant to ask for help on. He was getting worse at this inside voice thing. It really was concerning.

The forgettable human began looking at him uncomfortably before leaving quietly.

What’s his problem?

This time he got no answer. Personally, Chef preferred it that way. He didn’t care too much for conversation, hence his reluctance to simply ask people questions. A sigh escaped his lips as he continued to serve up a few more pies before the last of his customers left for the night.

No one wanted to be stuck outside of the city at night, after all. Dangerous monsters, like wolves and goblins, were known to roam these woods. And so, the few of them still outside got in line to enter the city, the small number being processed fairly quickly.

“Hey! You’re not allowed in!”

Until they stopped one hooded figure.

“Oh no, I’m just here to talk to—“

“The goblin has decided to attack!”

Two panicked guards began to thrust their spears at Chef as the goblin tried to explain himself.

“No, like I said, I was just looking for someone. Awkward guard, about your height. Frequently leaning against stuff?”

Chef continued to make his case while dodging repeated stabs in his general direction. A few arrows had begun to join the fray as well, which left Chef somewhat dismayed.

“That’s just wasteful. Seriously, I’m not trying to fight you or infiltrate your city. I just wanted to ask your fellow guard—“

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More arrows continued to rain down on him as the spearmen started having to dodge as well.

“Really!? Fine!”

Chef gave up, dodging his way back to the cooking station he had set up. The arrows stopped about halfway there, but he kept his movements up as much for practice as for intimidation. He really needed these people to stop attacking him.

This was becoming more and more annoying.

Another night of material summoning, animal baiting, and meditation left him primed and ready for the morning. This time, his guard friend came to him. Convenient that; Chef didn’t really want to do any more dodge practice. He had a sneaking suspicion that any collateral damage would be blamed on him as well.

Humans were really unreasonable sometimes.

“I hear you caused quite the commotion after I left yesterday.”

The human had the audacity to blame him to the ruckus that his people caused. Truly, they were an incompetent and obnoxious people. Shame they were the only decent cooks in the world or he’d have already left.

“I wanted to ask you something.”

The guard looked down on him, unsure of what to do with those armored hands. The man was often fidgeting whenever they were together. And then he’d return to his post and lounge around, leaning against the wall or something. Why couldn’t he just sit still?

“So, the guy who you want me to work for. That guy, right? Owner of the town and all that? He wants me dead.”

A smile formed on the guard’s face as he nodded towards the goblin.

“Yes, well, you leave quite the impression.”

Chef wasn’t sure how to take that. On the one hand, he was proud to be a truly unique and unforgettable existence. Obviously, it was meant as an insult of sorts, but Chef was a goblin. It was in his nature to inspire murder in the hearts of men.

Children too based on yesterday. Goblins as well if his previous life was any indication. In fact, it would be simpler to say that most living things wanted to kill him. Chef assumed they were just jealous of his good looks, charming personality, and unceasing pie production.

“Yes, I am great and mighty. But how am I supposed to talk to and work with his cooks if he wants me dead?”

This time, the guard looked down on the little goblin like he was an idiot. Chef didn’t appreciate that look at all, but wasn’t sure how to get the man to stop.

“We’re going to arrest you, of course.”

“I don’t even know what that is.”

The look continued before the guard explained it to him like he was a child. Considering the goblin’s size, it certainly was an apt comparison.

“It means you will be thrown into a cell where you have no freedoms and can’t leave for a while. Sometimes that means forever.”

This time it was Chef’s turn to stare the man down.

“Your plan is to introduce me to the baron guy, have him want me dead, and then arrest me. This would put me at his mercy indefinitely.”

The guard nodded at him happily. The wringing of the hands had reached new heights as the man fidgeted uncomfortably.

Humans are so fucking stupid.

“Wait, this jail. Is it inside the city?”

The smile broadened as Chef began to understand the plan.

“You’re beginning to get it, Mr. Goblin.”

The laws of this city were so stupid that they made anything he did illegal by default. But, following those stupid laws, they’d have to arrest him on account of those crimes. Like he’d discussed with the red-faced guard before, that would mean bringing him into the city that he wasn’t allowed to enter.

His new friend was trying to smuggle him inside.

“Let me pack my things.”

He was starting to like this human.