The wedding went off smoothly in the last week of September, with Luke as the best man. He gave a touching speech, charmed Emmett's many family members, danced once with the by now heavily pregnant Angela, and joined the hired band to sing a couple of songs. Afterwards, Emmett and Angela headed off for a short honeymoon while Eddie and Laura brought Luke back to his house and took turns staying with him until he was able to be alone.
After the honeymoon, Emmett and Angela moved into a new apartment in suburban Philadelphia, and Emmett's life was consumed with birthing classes and nursery furniture. His first daughter arrived without incident in early October. Luke showed up at the hospital to admire the baby, congratulate the parents, drop off gifts, and sneak in a couple of kisses with the father when they were alone. Emmett assured Luke he'd be able to spend more time with him soon.
Rehearsals started up again a couple of weeks later, and Emmett sometimes hung around after they ended to catch up with Luke. When the tour began, in early November, Angela stayed behind with little Mary-Ann, named for Emmett's mother.
For Luke, the live performances were a relief, an adrenaline shot of the excitement and joy he'd almost forgotten existed over his last few months of despondency. He and Emmett fell straight back into their old patterns – the dramatic poses and campy antics, the dance routines and bodily contact – as though it was all in their blood. It was hugely comforting to find that nothing in the outside world had altered their bond onstage.
On Luke's other side, Laura began to play a larger role in the band's front line. Her physical presence hadn't changed much since the last tour – she was still tall and striking, with dark hair, pale skin, and brilliant green eyes – but she had more confidence now, and a better idea of how to take up her space with the rest of the band. Now that they knew each other better, Luke was comfortable bouncing off her like he used to do with Eddie – they'd share a mic to sing together, trade guitar lines, or dance a few steps together. Unlike Eddie or Emmett, Laura could also act as a foil for some of Luke's standard love songs, which was also useful.
For the first few days of the tour, Luke hesitated to approach Emmett privately, but before the end of the week Emmett was at his hotel room door.
“I got tired of waiting,” he said, when Luke let him in. “Did you think I don't want it as much as you?”
They spent a month or two in blissful denial, and then the tour broke for the holidays. Back in Philadelphia, Emmett returned to his new apartment, his wife and his baby girl, leaving Luke alone and abandoned again.
At a party a few days later, Luke was reacquainted with a beautiful young artist named Lexi, who he'd met a year earlier and who had an obvious interest in him. He invited her to join him for all his holiday appearances, where he drank too much and flirted back with her. By the end of the break, they were engaged.
Emmett called him when he heard the news. “Congratulations, man. I'm…happy for you.”
“Don't be so naive,” Luke said. “It's an arrangement, just like yours.”
“Is it? Well then…good job I guess.”
When the tour resumed, Luke invited his fiancée to join him. Lexi agreed to a small wedding – he called it an elopement – at the end of February. They had a civil service in L.A., the day after the band played a show there, with only immediate family in attendance and, of course, Emmett as best man. Even so, the news that Luke Clarkston, one of America's most eligible bachelors, had finally married, caused an immediate uproar. The tour had been hastily rearranged to provide a week-long break after the service, so that Luke could take Lexi to Barcelona for a brief honeymoon. When they got back, she agreed to return to New York to sort out her life and career, all of which had been left in disarray in the whirlwind of Luke's hasty courtship.
A night or two after she left, Luke showed up at Emmett's hotel door in the evening. Emmett let him in, kissed him and brought him straight over to the bed. These days, when they had a chance to be alone together, they didn't usually squander it in idle conversation, although Luke often thought he missed that as much, if not more, than the sex.
Tonight, though, Emmett paused with Luke in his arms to ask about his arrangement with Lexi. After a bit of deflection Luke acknowledged that he didn't have one. As far as she knew, the marriage was hasty but real.
“I just wanted to…do what you do,” Luke admitted, half defiant. “You know I want kids, I figured this way – ” But the look on Emmett's face stopped him, forcing him to confront the full extent of his mistake.
As always, Emmett did his best to be kind, supportive and non-judgmental, but it didn't matter; Luke was mortified enough at himself. In the end he left Emmett's room before they even got into bed, and spent the night pacing the floor of his own suite.
In the morning he called Lexi and had one of the most painful and heartbreaking conversations of his life. Afterward he instructed his lawyer to settle everything as quietly, quickly and generously as possible.
“I don't know what I was thinking,” he told Laura later, too embarrassed even to face Emmett at first. “I just – somehow I thought if Em got to have all that, why shouldn't I? It don't even make any sense. I don't want a wife. I just want – I don't know, a home and a family.”
He felt unmoored and adrift, like he was floating through some amorphous cloud with nothing to hold on to, no anchor, every attempt to steer himself invisibly stymied. On some days the world seemed to lie at his feet, offering him anything he wanted, but when he reached out all he touched was air.
“I get it,” Laura said. “I mean, jeeze, I want those things too, and sometimes it feels like it's never gonna happen.”
“Yeah. I'm starting to think I just – ain't gonna get it.”
They were in a private booth at the hotel bar, late in the evening after a show, both of them unable to sleep and not wanting to go out.
Laura had always been sympathetic, but now he thought he saw something troubled in her expression. “Luke,” she said, leaning forward, her forearms folded on the table in front of her. “I wish I could give you everything you want.”
“But you can't.” He didn't bother to hide it anymore. “I want him.”
She nodded, and looked down at her drink for a moment before facing him again. “It's true, I can't give you that. But maybe the rest…”
He frowned at her, confused. “What do you mean? Like – Angela?”
“No.” She shook her head, her eyes still fixed on his. “Not like Angela. I told you, I need a…real family.”
Luke managed a half-smile, regretful and still a little confused. “Yeah, I'm sorry you ain't found what you want either Laur. It's too bad we can't just fit ourselves together but you know I – I don't have those feelings – ”
“I know,” she said. “I know.”
***
The tour went on. Luke and Emmett continued to savour their bond on stage, and Luke went to Emmett's room when he needed to. They didn't talk much, and Emmett didn't steady Luke the way he used to, but he held on tight when Luke clung to him and helped Luke forget when he needed distracting. Around the end of March, Angela and Mary-Ann met them to join the tour for the rest of the American dates. They stayed in Emmett's suite, so Emmett came over to Luke's room periodically, which Angela clearly had no problem with.
In late April the band flew to Europe for shows in seven cities. While Luke’s latest album hadn't been quite as successful as the previous blockbuster, the American tour dates had drawn solid crowds, with a few concerts selling out. But the European shows were on a whole other scale – massive outdoor amphitheaters and stadiums had sold out fully, months in advance, and large crowds of passionate fans met the band at every airport and gathered outside their hotels. Once in a while Luke ventured outside to meet them – to sign album covers, answer questions in broken French or Spanish, shake hands and pose for photos. He found himself thinking again about these appearances and the live shows being a kind of service he performed for his fans; it helped to give him a sense of purpose.
In Rome, on a beautiful warm clear May evening, Emmett came to find him just after dinner. “C'mere,” he said, without explanation, and led Luke up an elevator and a couple of flights of stairs to the open roof of their hotel. Luke could hear the sound of voices below, and as he walked over to the fence edging the roof, he recognized the words:
Elsie and the mountain
Elsie and the mountain
Elsie found that mountain home
Way down in the avenues below, under glowing streetlamps, throngs of young people ringed the hotel for blocks in all directions, dark masses punctuated with the occasional pinprick of a lighter or candle held up in the dusk, voices rising in unison, singing his own song.
As Luke leaned against the railing, Emmett came up to wrap his arms around Luke from behind and rest his chin on Luke's shoulder. Luke looked back at him with blurring vision.
Emmett spoke into his ear. “It must go on for miles. I can't see the end of the crowd.”
“It's not even their language,” Luke said, in laughter, disbelief, tears.
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“That's how much they love you, man.”
***
Something about the European crowds rekindled Luke's passion and resolve. He ramped up the drama on-stage, adding more bawdy, audacious moves with Emmett and countering them playfully with Laura. He'd stroke Emmett's stomach appreciatively, then run to the other side of the stage and circle Laura in an exaggerated mating dance; he'd lean back against Emmett's chest and slide all the way down to his knees, then meet Laura for a line at the microphone with his lips so close to hers the audience almost held their breath.
Emmett showed him articles speculating that Laura was the reason for Luke's hasty separation from Lexi, which had of course leaked out by now. Luke disliked this line of conjecture though Laura didn't seem to mind, and Emmett wholly approved. In defiance, Luke would sometimes stand beside Emmett in the middle of the stage and turn to kiss his mouth for no other reason than because he wanted to. But whatever he did onstage only seemed to generate public commentary about his deep platonic love for Emmett, while increasing the rumours about Laura.
Some spark of Emmett's previous fire seemed to reignite in response to Luke's, and he decreed that if Luke wanted attention after the show, he would have to ask for it during; so Luke began whispering explicit requests into Emmett's ear between songs or when they were a safe distance away from his microphone. After the show, they'd hastily retreat to Emmett's room with only the barest attempts at covering their tracks. By the time they arrived back in the U.S. for the last few shows before the tour ended in June, Luke knew something had to be done. He'd been turning things over in his mind for a long time and now he'd reached a decision.
“Listen, Em,” he said over breakfast, the first morning when neither of them had anywhere to be. “I been thinking.”
It was early, and the “Do Not Disturb” sign still hung on Emmett's hotel room door. None of the assistants or other assorted attendants had shown up yet, and wouldn't until the sign was removed. Luke went over to the phone, picked up the receiver and set it down on the desk, to prevent any calls.
Emmett watched him from the table where they'd been eating. “I guess this is serious.”
“Real serious,” Luke agreed, returning to join him at the table. “I decided I'm ready.”
Emmett put down his fork and braced himself visibly. “Ready for what?”
“To go public. And – ” Luke added, cutting Emmett off before he could protest, “give up my career if that's what it means.”
“What?” Emmett almost laughed in disbelief. “That's crazy.”
“No it ain't.”
“Well, it is. First of all, you'd never do that. And second, you know damn well I'd never let you do it for me. So I don't know what you think – ”
“Not for you. For me. For both of us, I hope.”
Emmett waved a hand impatiently with his fork, resuming his breakfast. “Call it whatever you want, but you know I'm never going to agree so – ”
“It ain't your choice, Em. It's mine. We always agreed that I'm in charge of my career.”
“This isn't just about your career. It's about our lives, both of ours. I have a say in that.”
“Yeah, that's true. But all you ever say is – it'd be bad for my career. Which is up to me. And I'm ready to give it up.”
“All of it? The fans and the fame and the money…the sold-out stadiums, the…?”
“All of it,” Luke said firmly. “If I have to. Look, there ain't nothin’ – nothin’ else I can do that's better than what I already done. Remember that night in Rome? Nothin’s ever going to beat that. I already had everything, so what do I care if I lose it now?”
“What do you care?” Emmett repeated, giving him an oddly distant look, as though seeing him through some kind of filter. “Luke…what do you think happens if – I mean, what are you suggesting you'd do?”
“Well.” Luke paused to marshal his thoughts, a bit surprised to be at this point already. He'd expected Emmett to put up more of a fight. “I figure you're right that we can't just avoid talkin' about it, so best to put out a statement or whatever. I mean, first of all you're gonna have to talk to Angela…”
“Never mind that. You want to put out a press release saying – what? You're bisexual? You're living with a man?”
“I think it should be from both of us. That we're partners.”
Emmett seemed to be holding himself back. “All right. What do you think happens next?”
“Well, I'm sure there's a big shitstorm. Probably some – some stories about it on the news or whatever, and some assholes – y'know, burn my records or somethin’. But you and me, we can settle down at the farmhouse – or, I don't care, we can get a new place if you want – ”
“But what are you going to do? Are you – never gonna write music again?”
“Of course I'm gonna write music, I can't stop. But I get it, I ain't gonna sell as many records – ”
“You aren't gonna release any records. The label's just going to drop you.”
“They got a contract with me. Nothin’ they can – ”
“For how many more records?”
“Well, just one left, but – ”
“They'll bury the last record – put it out, wash their hands. No publicity, no singles, no airplay, no tour. No new contract. Then what?”
“I don't care, Em. So I ain't got a contract, I'll get another. Just like I did when I was twenty-two, walkin’ in to some company and playin’ my songs – ”
“But it's not just like that. Back then you were unknown. Now everyone knows everything about you.”
Luke pushed back his chair irritably and stood up. “Stop tryin' to scare me, it ain't gonna work,” he said, pacing in a circle around the room. “I got thousands – hundreds of thousands of fans, I ain't gonna lose ’em all. Lots maybe, but there's still gonna be some people who don't care and just like the music. Maybe it won't be like it was before, maybe the deal is way smaller, but some company somewhere is gonna sign me. And if they don't – I got money, I'll start my own label.”
“So you want to go from selling out stadiums to playing coffee houses and college bars for fifty bucks a night?”
“If that's what I have to do for us to be together – then yes!” Luke threw the chair aside and slammed his hands down on the table. “I did it before, I'll do it again. It seems like you're the one – ”
“And the rest of the band?” Emmett interrupted. “Are you gonna split it five ways, ten bucks each? Are they gonna work for that?”
For the first time, Luke hesitated. “No,” he said after a moment. “They ain't gonna work for that. But it don't matter, they can all find other work. Every one of ’em is top of their class, any band'll be happy to hire ’em.”
“And me? Who's gonna hire me?”
“Why wouldn't – ”
“You think any rock band's gonna hire me after we put out our statement? The man fucking Luke Clarkston, the Black man who destroyed your career? They'll be afraid to come near me in case they get AIDS.”
“Em, you're being…”
“Maybe I could get a job with Little Richard. If he can afford to pay anyone these days.”
“Okay, so I'll hire you myself.”
“And I'll live on twenty-five bucks a gig?” Emmett lifted an eyebrow. He swallowed a forkful of eggs and shook his head. “I know you have other income, Luke, but I don't.”
“I got enough money to pay you whatever you want! I can give you what you're making now – ”
“You're just gonna give me your own money and call it a salary? So I'd basically be your kept man? Do you think I'd ever agree to that?”
“Look…” Luke pulled the chair back and sat down slowly. “I – I know it ain't gonna be easy. But I'm willing to give up everything and start over again, can't you take a chance with me too?”
“Man, Luke. It was a one in a million chance for me to get where I am today. You want me to throw that away so I can start over and hope for another one in a million chance?”
“It ain't luck that got me where I am now.”
Emmet gave him an odd smile. “Maybe not for you.”
“I mean, I work hard and I got talent – that's how I did it last time. I can do it again if I have to – so can you.”
“Yeah, you might get a second chance.”
“Why not? The world ain't all bad, Em. You just got to have faith.”
“I have faith – in you. But I don't think that's gonna support me and my kids and my family and everyone else counting on me – while we both try to start all over.”
Luke's frustration was building again. He shoved Emmett’s plate away to stop him from eating. “You have too much pride to let me help –”
“I'm not gonna be dependent on you.”
“You're already dependent on me!” The words burst out before Luke could stop himself. He froze, aghast, then quickly grasped Emmett's arm. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.”
Emmett sat unmoving for a moment before smiling slightly, unfazed. “You're right,” he said. “I mean, I do work for you. But at least right now I could find other work if I had to.”
“I'm sorry, Em,” Luke said, his hand still on Emmett’s arm. He felt overwhelmed and emotional, close to tears. “You know I don't think of you like a – like an employee.”
Emmett covered Luke's hand with one of his own. “It's okay. I mean, I worked for plenty of other guys before you. They all treated me like the hired help. With you I'm like the guest of honour. I'm happy to work for you.”
In another moment Luke was in Emmett's lap, buried against his chest. Emmett stroked Luke's hair and back and whispered in his ear until Luke regained his composure.
“What are we gonna do, Em?” Luke asked finally, laying his wet cheek against Emmett's shoulder. “What are we gonna do?”
Emmett looked down at him sorrowfully. “I can…think about what you suggested,” he said finally, without conviction.
“Because I can't go on this way. I can't. We gotta do something.”
“I know, Lukey. I know.”
***
“I feel like…he just ain't got enough faith, you know?”
“I'm sure he has faith in you.”
Laura and Luke were drinking together again; it was Emmett's night for checking in with his kids.
“But not enough though. Not enough.”
“Why do you need him to…” Laura twisted a strand of her hair, hesitating, always careful not to pry too hard.
“Because I'm ready to take a chance – I'm willing to risk it – but he's always been so cautious.”
Laura looked at Luke quizzically. “I always thought he was just careful. You know, he feels responsible for – ”
“He don't always need to be responsible,” Luke frowned. “He could take a chance once in a while, like I do.”
“Well…” Laura paused, holding her beer for a moment thoughtfully. “Maybe it's easier for some people to take chances than – ”
“Listen, Laur – I'm tired of not getting what I want most.”
“Yeah, I know that feeling. I've about given up on finding what I want too.”
For a moment they were both silent, Luke sliding his glass around the table in restless dissatisfaction.
Finally, Laura spoke again, hesitantly. “I'm starting to think that maybe…getting part of what I want is better than nothing.”
“I'm starting to think that too,” Luke said moodily.
“I mean, maybe I don't have the perfect guy, the one who loves me back – ” Laura shot Luke a quick glance, then looked away. “But I feel like I could make a good life with someone I love even if…even if they didn't feel exactly the same way.”
Luke started to nod vaguely, then stopped. It suddenly occurred to him that he understood what Laura was saying for the first time.
“Don't get me wrong,” she went on quickly. “I want you to be happy. I've always been rooting for you. But if you're giving up on what you want most…well, I'm just thinking, maybe something is better than nothing.”
“Laura…”
Laura was flushing slightly; her green eyes glistened. She pushed her glass away nervously and stood up in a quick movement. “I hope you work everything out, Luke,” she said. For a moment she seemed to want to add something else, then she gave him a small smile and a wave and left.
***
For the last few weeks of the tour, Luke and Emmett returned to their conversation multiple times, never finding a way through the difficulties, never coming up with a solution that worked for both of them. Emmett would suggest waiting a few more years, till Angela was independent again, till the boys were grown up, till Luke's career reached a lull. Luke would complain that he couldn't hold on that long, that Emmett was hoping for his career to fail, that Emmett didn't have faith in him. The discussions went round and round, both of them repeating the same points, the same arguments and complaints and suggestions, till they knew each other's words by heart and didn't need to say them any more; then the conversations slowed down and stopped and finally they gave up talking altogether.
After that Luke still joined Emmett in his room at night, and Emmett still pinned Luke down on the bed till he was helpless and desperate, they just didn't say much any more. Some nights Luke fought back, aching for Emmett to hold him harder, but Emmett would only loosen his grip and eventually let Luke go.