The knock came about thirty minutes later, just after Emmett had made himself a drink from the bar fridge and sat back down again. Diane answered the door and, seeing Luke, waved a good-bye and went out, with her usual discretion.

Luke checked that the door locked behind her and glanced around to confirm they were alone in the suite, which, for once, they were. When he was sure, he came over to Emmett and started to lower himself to his knees, but Emmett caught his arm.

“No. Go sit over there.” He nodded toward an armchair across from the couch, and Luke moved to it reluctantly.

“Thanks for letting me come over, Em.” Luke leaned forward in the chair, hands clenching his thighs. “I been wanting to tell you I'm sorry.”

“For what?” Emmett asked curiously. He felt strangely detached right now, like he was taking a purely clinical interest in what Luke had to say.

“For sleeping with José. And – for lyin' to him. I mean, I knew damn well you wouldn't be okay with it.”

“I'm not. But…you're right, we never talked about it.”

“You didn't need to tell me, I knew. Just like you know I'd hate it if you slept with another guy. Hell, I don't even like it when you sleep with girls.” Luke gave a sheepish laugh.

“We've been through that, Luke. You know – ”

“I know. I know, but it don't mean I like it. But that don't make any excuse for what I did with José. I'm sorry.”

Emmett sipped from his drink, still oddly dispassionate. “So…why'd you do it then? If you knew I wouldn't like it.”

“Because I – I thought it'd solve our problem. I thought after I did it once, you wouldn't worry so much about hurtin’ me.”

The detachment vanished abruptly, replaced with baffled frustration. “For real? That's the best way you could think of to deal with it?”

“Well, I – ” Luke leaned back in his chair abruptly. “It seemed like the solution.”

“Fucking someone else was the only idea that occurred to you? You couldn't think of anything else? And you had to do it without talking to me first?” Emmett’s voice rose in disbelief.

It seemed to occur to Luke to consider this for the first time. After a pause he said, “I knew if I asked you ahead of time, you'd say no.” He shook his head slightly and raised his hands. “I mean, I know you're mad. You can punish me, I won't complain. I'm surprised you ain't hit me.”

Emmett leapt to his feet and strode past Luke's chair, across the room. “Are you out of your mind? I don't want to hurt you! I want to keep you safe. That's the whole point!” He stopped pacing but Luke didn't say anything, and when he turned around Luke was staring at the floor. “So you tell me I'm in charge of your life – you'll do whatever I say – but the moment you want to do something you know I won't agree to, you just – do it anyway and figure you'll sweet-talk me later. All that talk about me being in control was a lie.”

“It wasn't a lie.” Luke lifted his head. For the first time, Emmett noticed his pale skin and tired eyes. “But you're right, that's what I do. I've done it my whole life…if I want something bad enough I just – go after it and deal with the fallout later. I knew you'd be mad but I figured you'd forgive me in the end.”

“Jesus, Luke.” Emmett sighed. He came back and dropped onto the sofa. “You're right, I will forgive you. But I'm not going back to the way things were. It's not like I wanted to be in charge in the first place. I'm not gonna keep playing pretend.”

“It ain’t pretend, Em. You know it ain’t.”

“Apparently it is, whenever you don't like something.”

“I won't do it again.”

“You just said it's what you always do.”

Luke reached out toward Emmett. “Please, can't I come over to you – ?”

“Absolutely not.” The last thing Emmett wanted was Luke kneeling at his feet. Not just because he was no longer sure he wanted to play that game, but because he knew from experience how hard it was to think with Luke in that position. He waited, while Luke looked at the floor in silence for a few moments.

“It's…a habit I need to break,” Luke said finally. “I been doing it a long time, I pretty much made a whole life outta taking risks but…I never want to risk losing you. I'll do better, I promise.”

Emmett hesitated. Wasn't Luke's willingness to court disaster part of his charm, part of the reason for his success? “I don't know if – ”

“With you. I won't take risks with you, I ain't promising to change myself completely.”

Emmett found himself smiling a little, at last. “I wouldn't want you to.”

Luke shot him a hopeful glance. “Does that mean – ”

“No, man. I still don't get it. Why did you want to sleep with José so bad that – ”

“It wasn't like that. It's not like I wanted him, I wanted you. I really wanted to do it with you and I thought this was the only way.”

“But it's not like I said no without a reason. I was worried you'd get hurt. How did you figure it's better to let someone else hurt you instead?”

“I just wanted to get it over with. And anyway – it didn't hurt that much.”

“I mean.” Emmett furrowed his brows for a moment, considering. “It's not a bad idea, getting help from someone with experience. But why couldn't you just talk to him? Why'd you have to go straight to doing it?”

Luke gave a helpless shrug, but the colour was starting to come back in his face. “I guess I’m more of a doer than a talker.”

“You couldn't talk to me?”

Luke cocked his head skeptically, and for the first time sounded slightly annoyed. “Come on, Em. I tried talkin' to you about it and you shut me down.”

“What? No I didn't.” Emmett thought back to their previous conversation. “I told you why I didn't like it and you just dropped the subject.”

“Because it seemed like your mind was made up.”

Emmett’s hands laced together, then unlaced again, as he considered that. “It's true, I didn't really like talking about it – but I did anyway. If something's important to you, I'll always talk about it.”

“But you said point blank you wouldn't do it with me.”

“I said neither of us had enough experience to just start fucking. But we could've figured it out together. We could've talked to Ray or José or – or used something or – I don't know, got a pamphlet from the GAA or the men’s health centre or something.” Emmett frowned again. “I hope José was careful.”

“He was real careful with – ”

“Haven't you heard about this new disease gay guys are getting? They don't even know what it is, but I heard some guys are dying. We have to be really careful; you might need to get tested or something. Did he use some kind of protection at least?”

“Yeah, he used a rubber but c'mon, Em, José's fine.”

“We don't know who's fine. We need to find out more about it. I know you think I'm over cautious, Luke, but that wasn't just taking a risk – it was reckless, dangerous. I still don't get it. Why do you want to do this so bad?”

Luke tried for a playful smile. “Curiosity?” He saw Emmett's look and dropped the smile. “I mean, it's supposed to feel good. And…it's just been so hard, Em. No privacy, not getting time alone with you…It's like – I got hit records, I got all these screaming fans, but the only thing I really want I can't have. Sometimes I start to feel, I dunno, kinda desperate.”

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Emmett thought he understood. He'd seen that side of Luke.

“And then sometimes I feel like…doing this one thing with you would kinda seal the deal, you know? Make it real.”

“It's already real, Luke.”

“I know. Listen, Em, I fucked up, I know, but I didn't mean to disrespect you.” Luke took in a long breath. “Please can I move over there with you?”

Emmett half relented. “You can sit here, beside me.”

Luke came over immediately, lifting Emmett's arm to lean against his chest. “Thank you. Now are you gonna keep punishing me or can we go to bed?”

“It's three o'clock in the afternoon, man.”

“So what? I been missing you.”

“You got plans tonight?”

“Just a dinner thing. I'll be back by nine. Can I come over?”

“Okay. But don't expect me to – ”

“I know, you ain't gonna fuck me.”

That wasn't exactly what Emmett meant, but he let it go. He'd been missing Luke as well. “Hey Luke,” he said after a moment.

“Yeah?”

“How'd it feel? When José – ”

“It hurt a little at first, but he was real slow and careful, and he – he used his fingers first. To make room…”

“Huh.”

“And that lube I showed you, he gave me that. He used lots of it and that really helped.”

“Did it…stop hurting after a while?”

“Yeah, mostly.”

“And then…did it feel good?”

“Uh…sort of. I didn't come or nothin'. It was a weird feeling, but I can see how it'd feel real good if…if the right person was doin’ it.”

“Did you do it more than once?”

“No, man, I wasn't tryin’ to get off, I just…y'know.” Luke laughed a little. “Wanted to stop being a virgin.”

“Hmm.”

Luke gave Emmett what might have been a hopeful look. In any case, Emmett couldn't stand being angry anymore. He turned and took Luke into his arms and felt Luke melt against him in response.

***

They spent that night together, and in the days that followed things almost returned to normal. The first time they woke up apart, Emmett took Luke's morning call like he used to, happy to speak to him, but declined to provide any orders when Luke asked. The next time Luke called again, and this time he didn't ask, which suited Emmett well.

And so they went back to their usual routines, except that Emmett no longer issued instructions or set tasks for Luke to follow, and Luke didn't ask for permission or explicitly defer to Emmett's approval. When they found time alone together, they went back to fooling around without any of their more recent games or rituals.

Emmett didn't quite understand his own reluctance to resume control in their relationship. It wasn't exactly because he thought Luke treated his authority cavalierly, though that was part of it. During their few days apart, he'd had time to dwell on his overall misgivings. Instinct and experience, and everything he'd ever learned from his upbringing, told him happiness didn't last forever. His love for Luke – that wasn’t going to change. One way or another, he'd continue to love Luke to the end of his days; that's just the way things were and always would be. He didn't doubt Luke's current love for him either – if anything, Luke loved him too much, too recklessly.

But this idyll they enjoyed would surely someday come to an end. They'd be caught; or trapped, and forced to make a choice; or Luke would get over his infatuation and fall for someone else. Time had a way of changing people, and so did money. Emmett knew by now that Luke had become a very, very rich man; his wealth far exceeded that of anyone else in the band – something about royalties, and song-writing credits, meant Luke was earning hundreds of times more from record sales and radio airplay than the band did collectively from tours. Just as Luke's fame and celebrity far outstripped Emmett's and the rest of the band's.

Of course, Emmett was thrilled for Luke's success and never begrudged him his fortune. If he foresaw a reckoning somewhere on the horizon, that didn't stop him from relishing his current happiness. On the contrary: someday he might need these memories to sustain himself. Given Luke's overly-romantic, overly-dramatic impulses, Emmett sometimes thought he might, one day, have to protect Luke by ending things himself. However much he loved being the object of Luke's adoration, his over-riding obligation was to safeguard Luke's well-being; he'd sacrifice his own enjoyment for that if – or when – he had to.

Emmett didn't mean to let fear of some unknown future pain guide his actions today – but still; was it really wise to dig himself in quite so deep? Luke's deliberate submission, his willingness to hand over his power to Emmett, was seductive – a siren song that would surely just make it harder to lose in the end. Now that Emmett had broken away from it, would it be fool-hardy to walk right back into that temptation, especially when Luke himself had shown he was willing to abandon it at his convenience?

Despite all the uncertainties, the confused feelings of love and anxiety, having Luke back was a huge relief, and a responsibility Emmett always took seriously. Although the subject didn't come up again, he thought a lot about their conversation that afternoon. At last he took Ray aside, and after a bit of nervous circling asked for advice on how to safely have sex with another man. If Ray was surprised, he hid it well, and he carefully avoided asking detailed questions while providing information and guidance; he even supplied a few pamphlets about the disease Emmett had heard of, and a kind of how-to book for gay men, which Emmett studied earnestly. He began to feel more confident about trying it all out with Luke. But for some reason, he hesitated to bring it up just yet.

In the meantime, Luke somehow managed to treat him with even more deference than before. Even though they had, by unspoken mutual agreement, dropped any explicit idea of Emmett being in charge, Luke kept finding ways to show that his own sentiments remained the same. He didn't ask permission in bed, but his touch was gentle and hesitant; when they were in public together, he spoke less and yielded to any preference Emmett expressed; onstage, he approached Emmett circumspectly, dropped to one knee or bowed when introducing him, and stopped everything to stand and admire his solos. It was, as always, exasperatingly difficult not to be charmed.

But sweet as being the object of veneration might be, Emmett missed Luke's old exuberance – his cautious courtliness with Emmett was much less entertaining. They were nearing the end of the tour, and Emmett began amusing himself by trying to provoke Luke out of his constraint when they played. The rest of the band were generally expected to stay within their own stations onstage, but Emmett had always been given free range. Now he used his freedom to badger Luke during instrumental breaks – pointing his trumpet into Luke's face, strutting over to circle around him, challenging him to some kind of dance contest, punctuating choruses with random shouts; whatever he could think of to get a reaction.

At first Luke just seemed gratified by Emmett's enthusiasm, watching him with polite bemusement. But as Emmett's antics increased, and the number of shows left dwindled, Luke started responding – diffidently at first, and then with more of his natural energy and spirit. It almost seemed to Emmett like a reverse of those very early days when he first joined the band and Luke had to coax him into taking his place at the front of the stage.

Then, on one of the final nights of the tour, it all came together – Luke and Emmett fully in sync as they romped across the stage, standing back-to-back or with arms entwined, dancing in unison or dueling their instruments, Luke running to Emmett's mic for vocals, Emmett swooping Luke up in his arms, neither of them aware of anything but each other. Everything else – the rest of the band, the stadium full of fans, the passage of time, their history, differences, uncertainty, frustration – all forgotten in the giddy rush of power and performance.

At one point, as the lights went down for a brief moment between songs, Luke seized Emmett's hand in the darkness, pulled him over and kissed his lips. Reckless, Emmett thought, reeling a little, and a moment later, what's wrong with that? As always, the show reached its peak with the final number, “Mountain Home”. While the band played the outro, Luke positioned himself at one end of the stage, on the riser just below the main platform, while Emmett stepped forward at the other end for his trumpet solo. As the solo reached its soaring end, Luke sprinted along the riser to throw himself onto his knees in the traditional slide that ended at Emmett's feet – and Emmett, in his own moment of reckless abandon, spontaneously threw out his right arm with the trumpet for balance and reached down with the other to sweep Luke up towards him. He saw Luke's eyes widen in amazement as his face approached Emmett's, and then Emmett planted a kiss full on his mouth.

Emmett meant – if he'd had any thought about it at all – to make it brief, a fleeting peck like the one in “Flaming Up”. But Luke instinctively reached up to wrap one arm around Emmett's back, and then held the kiss, open-mouthed, for several seconds. For those long frozen moments, they formed a sort of spotlit tableau, dramatic and exultant, and the crowd responded with enthusiastic delight, before Emmett helped Luke back up to his feet.

After the encore the band lined up at the front of the stage as usual, Luke grasping Emmett's hand on one side and Laura's on the other, looking up at Emmett for approval with the perpetual unspoken question, Did I make you proud? Still clutching Emmett's hand, Luke went over to the mic stand to say a few closing words, took a final bow with the rest of the band and quickly headed downstairs, pulling Emmett along with him.

They crossed the holding area, Luke moving faster than usual after a show and still apparently unable to relinquish Emmett's hand. As they approached the waiting limousines, Luke took advantage of the general backstage chaos and the noise of the crowd to squeeze Emmett's arm and say breathlessly, “I'm comin’ over as soon as we get back.”

Emmett laughed and lowered his head, bringing his lips close to Luke's ear. “You still got that lube?” he asked, and for the second time watched Luke's eyes grow wide with surprise.

That night Emmett tried out everything he'd learned. He made sure they both had a few drinks, and a long hot joint shower to relax; he put a couple of towels down on the hotel bed sheets, applied plenty of lube and used his fingers to slowly open Luke up while keeping him distracted with some light restraint and heavy kisses. When they were close to ready, he freed Luke's hands, produced a condom – for the first time in one of their encounters – and instructed Luke to put it on him.

“You'd better get good at this part if you want to keep doing this – we need to use one every single time,” he said.

Luke had no complaints, other than the general sentiment that things weren't happening fast enough for him. Emmett ignored that and took his time, carefully positioning Luke with his knees straddling Emmett's lap, then gently helping him to lower himself down. Impatient, Luke tried to plunge ahead, but Emmett held him back, setting a slower pace, stopping frequently to check on him before proceeding. It wasn't until Emmett was fully inside Luke that he realized how warm and intense and electrifying it felt – so different from what he vaguely remembered of those confused, haphazard attempts he'd made with the boys in college. He held himself still, his dick pulsing rhythmically, while Luke fully adjusted to the sensation and then gripped the top of Emmett's arms and dug his fingers in when he was ready for Emmett to start moving.

As the book had suggested, this position let Luke set the pace and intensity of Emmett's thrusts, which he did with enthusiasm. When they settled into something like a tempo, Emmett took another tip from the book and grasped Luke's cock in his hand, squeezing lightly at first and then with more force. Eventually they both came within moments of each other, and, on the whole, Emmett thought the entire experience was a success.