“So how'd the date go?”
“Oh…” Laura rolled her eyes and smiled. “Another dud. I swear, I'm starting to lose hope.”
Luke handed her a beer and pulled up the Adirondack chair beside her. “Aw, not yet, man. You got plenty of time.”
“I'm thirty-three, Luke. If I'm gonna have kids it's got to be soon.” Laura’s dark hair was bigger these days, teased and scrunched into voluminous curls, and she wore a shiny, tight-fitting satin dress with broad shoulders. Luke supposed it was all very fashionable, but he preferred her simpler looks.
“I know what you mean.” Luke stared out over the green fields of his newly purchased property. “I'm thirty-four, and I'm starting to think about kids now too.”
Laura gave him a commiserating look over the top of her glass. “It's hard to start a family when you're on the road so much of the time.”
“Yeah. Sorry to drag you off with us.” Luke laughed ruefully.
“It's only been once for me. You've been doing it for almost your whole life.”
“That's why we're takin’ a longer break this time. I ain't stayed home for two straight years since I was like…twenty.”
They sat outside, behind the big old Pennsylvania farmhouse Luke had bought a few months back, enjoying the late sunset of early August. Luke had converted one of the back parlours into a small, modern studio where he hoped that, with all the new ’80s technology, he’d be able to do most of his development and demo work, if not final recording, from now on. He was working on his next album slowly, over many weeks of trying things out – new songs, new arrangements, extended jam sessions with various band members that might eventually lead to something, out-takes, re-takes, whatever appealed to him in the moment.
There was no rush this time; at least, not that mattered to him. The record company, of course, was chomping at the bit for new material, eager to exploit his previous success before the moment passed. But Luke had enough money and power now to set his own rules. He informed Jerry that he'd produce the next album at his own pace, and that Jerry's job was to keep the execs off his back.
Luke's plan was to test out this slightly longer than usual break from touring. He missed performing on a regular basis, but Jerry set up occasional benefit shows, the odd television or promotional appearance, gigs in northeastern states where the band could fly in and out in a day, and a couple of music video shoots. None of it could fully satisfy Luke's craving for live energy, that connection with his fans, but at least he and the rest of the band got an extended stay in one place.
His new property was located an hour or so outside of Philadelphia. During this improvisational period, he mainly invited one or two band members or other musicians at a time to stay with him for a couple of days to jam and develop a few songs. This weekend had been Laura's turn, and they'd just wrapped up a day of trading vocal lines and harmonies over top of various demo tracks Luke was working on.
“A break’s nice,” Laura agreed, and glanced around. “So where's Emmett tonight?”
“Aw…” Luke couldn't help making a bit of a face. “He's out on a date with Angela.”
Laura lifted her eyebrows curiously. “Oh, okay. I…uh, didn't know he dated.”
“Sometimes.” Luke looked down moodily. “You know, he – likes the media coverage.”
“Hm. I see.”
For some reason Luke found himself continuing to talk. “You know, the main reason I bought this place was for the privacy. Fifty acres, surrounded by trees, middle a' nowhere…I figured we – I wouldn't have to worry about the fans or the media or whatever.”
“Sure. It's perfect for that.”
“But in some ways, y'know…I still got no privacy. If there's somethin’ to see, people see it. If there ain't somethin’ to see…people read into that, or make shit up.” He paused and spun his empty glass between his hands restlessly. “You have to…actually give them something to, like, control the story.”
Laura nodded, looking at him thoughtfully, and Luke wondered if she understood what he was saying. He was pretty sure she had a good idea of his situation, but once in a while he thought he felt a flicker of interest from her.
Emmett had been staying at the farmhouse with Luke since he bought it, which had been inexpressibly satisfying – magical, like a secret paradise for just the two of them. But even that couldn't seem to last without complications: Emmett's friends and family wondering why they could never find him at his own apartment; Jerry hinting that people were talking about Emmett's extended “visit”; Emmett having to go home whenever he had the kids. Luke didn't care about the talk, but Emmett thought these things mattered.
“Well,” Laura said, changing the subject with her usual tact. “At least once you do have kids you've got a great place for them to grow up.”
“Yeah.” Luke brightened for a moment, then grew downcast again. He still hadn't figured out how he was going to manage kids of his own. Sometimes he thought maybe Laura might help him with that. “What about you? What are you gonna do if you don't find the right guy to settle down with?”
“Then I guess I'll just grow old alone and childless.”
“You never thought of…” He hesitated.
“You mean, like, an arrangement?” Laura looked down at her glass, and the teased curls waved slightly as she shook her head. “I'd make a terrible single mom. And I’m not looking for a Kate & Allie thing. No.” She shot Luke a look that might have been pointed. “I need a real old-fashioned family or none at all.”
“Oh.” Luke sighed. “Well, I'm sure you'll find the right guy soon.”
“I hope so.”
They watched the sun set over the small woodlot on the western edge of Luke's property for a few moments. There was a foot path that followed the perimeter of the grounds, where Luke and Emmett walked together many afternoons. In the background, Prince crooned from the boombox Luke had brought outside.
“Another drink?” Luke asked.
“Depends if I'm going home, I guess. Did you want to keep working tomorrow?”
“Oh yeah, stay over again if you can. I could use the company.”
Laura seemed puzzled. “Emmett's not coming back tonight?”
“Oh – I doubt it,” Luke said, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice. “Not tonight.”
Emmett wouldn't take Angela out and not sleep with her – he was too worried she'd start rumours about him if he didn't. He'd hardly bring her back to Luke's house, and likely not his own, either; officially, he was still renting that tiny apartment in downtown Philadelphia. No, most likely he'd take her to one of those big hotels in Philly or New York with plenty of people around, maybe have Diane leak it to the paparazzi. In a couple of days Luke would see the photos in some magazine: B-Sides horn player Emmett Evans leaving the Plaza with long-time companion Angela Barrows.
Rationally, Luke understood everything Emmett did. He knew it was for his own protection, to ensure his career wasn't negatively impacted. But he didn't have to like it. And he especially didn't like Angela.
“Why do you have to spend so much time with her?” he'd ask, when Emmett mentioned another date.
“You know why, man. We've been over it a hundred times.” Which was true, but somehow Emmett still had patience with him.
“But why her? Why don't you see different girls?”
“What's the problem with her? She's not interested in me, Luke, she's just trying to get ahead. If I start taking out other girls, someone's liable to get hurt. Angela knows she's not my main squeeze, she's fine with it, and she doesn't ask questions. That's why we get along so well.”
In his worst moments, Luke sometimes thought he should find himself a similar companion – if Emmett could do it, why couldn't he? Once, early on, he'd wondered if Laura might play that role with him, but when he realized she might possibly have feelings for him he'd quickly abandoned the idea. Like Emmett, he didn't want to hurt anyone.
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
So now, when Laura stayed over at the farmhouse, even if they were there alone and Emmett was out with Luke's least favourite person, they slept in separate rooms and Luke avoided even a hint of flirtation with her.
***
Other than Emmett's charade with Angela, life was good these days. Luke liked his new place, and loved living in it with Emmett. He had staff to look after all the annoying parts, and a local woman came in to cook for him. Luke enjoyed playing house with Emmett so much that he learned to make breakfast and a few simple meals so he could sometimes fix dinner for the two of them, and bring Emmett coffee and breakfast in bed.
Their days had been passing harmoniously for the most part. Luke had installed a small home gym in the basement, and there was a pool out back, so Emmett used those most days. When Luke wasn’t busy with Jerry, they'd work together in the studio, take long walks around the property, or have a quiet meal together and settle in for a night of movies or music or Olympic games coverage.
The privacy of life at home went a long way to offsetting the chaos and annoyance of fame, which made it easier for Luke to enjoy being a rock star again. Public events, performances, and meetings with fans could all be carefully organized on a manageable scale, so they were fun and invigorating without overwhelming him. Luke sometimes missed the normal parts of life – being able to go shopping or out for a meal or a drink without causing a minor riot – but once in a while he'd show up at a local bar anyway, and if he had to bring a small security detail with him or the bouncers had to manage a bit of a frenzy, it was worth it for the chance to talk to real people and old fans and friends again.
To Luke’s relief, Emmett had quietly taken charge again. Somehow it seemed to just happen, right after that night at the end of the tour when they'd finally fucked for real. Luke was happy to resume the old dynamic and swore to himself that he wouldn't mess up this time, but he also noticed that Emmett's control didn't feel as urgent to him now. It wasn't that he liked it less, just that it seemed less crucial while he was home and relaxed, away from the stress and pressure of touring. These days he only really craved Emmett's power and dominance in the bedroom.
As the weeks and months passed, Luke had started to think it might be time to settle down. Not for good, of course – he could never give up live performances altogether – but after almost twelve years of touring, the novelty had worn off, and the idea of spending his life out on the road perpetually into the future seemed less appealing. Perhaps he could tour less often, or for shorter periods. With record sales and royalties, he no longer needed the concert revenue. What began to feel more important to him now was the idea of a home, a family, a place to pursue his craft, a peaceful life with the man he loved.
It seemed like such a reasonable wish, yet so impossible to achieve. Kids might, perhaps, be managed through a discreet arrangement with a woman he could trust – that wasn't out of the question. The greatest frustration remained having to hide his relationship with Emmett. He told himself he wanted to keep his personal life private, and Emmett insisted he had no interest in being acknowledged publicly, but Luke could not get over his resentment at the little indignities that concealment required. It annoyed him to attend parties and events surrounded by other couples without being able to bring his own partner. He disliked having to constantly deflect questions about his romantic life in interviews, the vague sense of being dishonest with his fans, not being able to fully share Emmett's life, and, of course, watching Emmett act the part with Angela.
***
“I don't think I'll be here for your session with Gordie next week,” Emmett said, as they were out for one of their afternoon strolls around the property. “The boys want to stay with me while Clary's at her mother's. I can’t leave them home alone for the whole day.”
“Can't we invite them here?” Luke asked, frowning. Another of his ongoing grievances was that Emmett always had to return to his own apartment when he had his kids, leaving Luke out of the picture. “Tell them they can check out my studio, and if Robbie's practising enough he can try playin' with us.”
“I really don't think you should be encouraging him,” Emmett said, laughing, “but sure, I can try that.”
“You think Clarissa'll mind?”
“Why would she care?”
“Has she figured out about us?”
Emmett paused, his eyes hidden behind dark Ray-bans. “I don't know. She's never said anything. She knows we're close.”
The long grass scratched their bare legs, both of them in denim shorts and sneakers. Luke pulled a dead branch off one of the trees near the property line and swung it at some tall weeds. “What about the boys? You think they know?”
“Maybe. I guess they're old enough to start wondering.” Robbie and Walt were teens now, fifteen and thirteen.
“Don't it ever bother you, Em? That you can't share your whole life even with your own family?”
“What does it matter if my kids think you're their stepfather or their fun Uncle Luke?” Emmett, his Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned and loose in the breeze, seemed as unconcerned as always.
For some reason, Luke suddenly found himself infuriated. “How come you never care? Why don't it matter to you that we're always livin' a lie?”
“It's not a lie if they make you lie.”
Luke hurled his stick across the field and walked on, still brooding. “I thought you don't care what people think.”
“I don't, but the world's fucked up, man. We don't need to give people ammunition so they can use it against us.” Emmett slid an arm around Luke's waist and pulled him closer.
“You ever think about…settling down?” Luke asked after a moment.
“What do you mean?”
“Like, what if we stayed in one place for a while. No big tours for a few years. Just makin' a life here in Pennsylvania.”
Emmett didn't respond right away. His black high-tops made heavy impressions in the grass on the trail. “Tours are your decision,” he said finally. “If you don't want to, that's up to you.”
“Ain't you tired of livin’ on the road for years at a time?”
“Not really. Remember, I was settled down – for a long time, while you were out there scrambling around trying to make it. I can see how it feels old to you, but it's still kinda exciting for me.”
Luke felt another stab of irritation. “So you ain't ready to settle down again? You just wanna be out there partyin’ with – ”
“Don't start that again,” Emmett said firmly. “It's got nothing to do with Angela, or anyone else. I'm just saying, we have different histories. But I get how you feel. I mean, I'm 41, I probably should stay home more.”
“Well, what about the rest of it? Makin' a life for ourselves here…”
“I don’t know what you mean by that.”
“You know. Home. Family. Kids.”
Emmett let his arm drop from Luke's waist and walked on for a moment without speaking.
“Okay, I get it,” Luke said, ripping a leaf off an overhanging branch and then tearing it apart. “You don't want that with me.”
“It's not that I don't want it.” Emmett grabbed Luke's arm so the torn bits of leaf fell from his hands. “I do, I mean – I would love to have all that with you. But what's the point of wanting something I can't have?”
“Why can't you? I got a nice place here, maybe I can figure out kids…why can't this be our life?”
“Because I can't stay here indefinitely. Look, Luke, you can have all those things – you should have them – but you can't have them with me.”
“Why not?”
“Because it would cost your career.” Emmett stopped walking and pulled Luke around to face him, almost harshly. “If you want a family I won't stand in your way. But I'm not gonna be responsible for destroying everything you've spent your life building.”
“You're saying you'd leave me,” Luke said, blinking rapidly.
“That's the last thing I want to do. But – but – I mean, I think it's possible that we can't spend our whole lives together. I wish it was…but maybe it's not.”
Luke turned away and started heading back toward the house, unwilling to even consider Emmett's line of thinking. “Why's everyone so sure I have to choose between you and my music?” he asked instead.
“Because we know how the world works.”
“I ain't saying I want to come out. We don't need to, like, put out a press release or somethin’. But why can't we just live our lives and not talk about it?”
“Isn't that what we're doing?”
“We could stop hiding it. I could stop bringin’ girls to events and just bring you. You could give up your apartment, tell Clarissa to bring the boys here – ” Luke broke off when he glanced up and saw Emmett's face, mouth set in a grim line.
“You might as well just put out a press release. What are you going to say when people ask if you're gay and sleeping with your horn player?”
“I can just say I don't answer personal questions. Lots of rock stars do that – look at that guy from Queen. Or Lou Reed – he’s American. You ever hear him when people ask if he's – ”
“Luke,” Emmett cut in tensely, like he was running out of patience. “You can do what you want with your career, you're in charge of that. Quit touring, I'm not even complaining about it. But I think you should ask Jerry before you go off and do something stupid. And maybe look up how much money Billie Jean King lost when people found out about her. Now c'mon, lets go inside and start dinner.”
That night, as they took their after-dinner drinks into the living room and settled down to watch the Discovery launch on CNN, Emmett pulled Luke into his lap and kissed his forehead.
“Listen, man,” he said. “I'm sorry for what I said this afternoon. I don't want you to feel like I'm threatening to leave or something. I want to spend my life with you, I'd love it if we could settle down together.” He gathered Luke into his arms and kissed him again, on the mouth this time. “And I hope you can get what you want. I just…don't want either of us to sacrifice our careers for something that doesn't matter to me.”
It matters to me. Luke heard the words in his head, but in the moment all he could do was wrap his arms around Emmett and kiss him back.
A couple of days later he did ask Jerry, as vaguely as he could, what would happen if, hypothetically, it came out that he was in a relationship with another man. Jerry gave a long-suffering sigh and said, “Just give me a few weeks' notice first so I can find myself some other line of work. You won't need me anymore.”
That didn't help. When José happened to call soon afterward, Luke couldn't resist asking him about the impact of being out on his working life. While José said things were better now than they had been when he was young, his blunt description of the difficulties he still faced took Luke by surprise.
“Especially now,” José said, “losing so many friends to AIDS, and all the fear and panic about it. Straight people don't wanna come near me, they're afraid to touch anything I touch. We're like pariahs. I think it's worse now than it was in the ’70s.”
Disheartened, Luke tried to put the whole question out of his mind again. The following week Emmett brought Robbie and Walt out to the farmhouse, and the four of them spent two days jamming, hanging out in the pool, and playing touch football in one of the back fields. By the end of it, Luke's frustration was back. No matter what Emmett said, he knew in his heart that whether the boys thought of him as their dad's buddy or their step-dad made a difference to him.