The lawsuits were finally resolved and Luke signed a new contract with a different record company, on much better terms. Jerry booked time at Forge, the recording studio, on the day the injunction was lifted. The next album was a breeze to record. Over the three years of the last tour, Luke had written new songs, taught them to the band, tried them out during shows, and perfected everything by the time they arrived back in Philadelphia. By now, Luke had enough money from royalties and the next advance to buy a car, and Emmett bought one too, with his savings.
“We never need to hitch again!” Luke said gleefully.
“Or sleep in a tent,” Emmett added under his breath, and they shot each other a quick look.
Recording took less than two weeks, with everything performed and captured just the way Luke wanted it. The album came out a couple of months later, at the end of the summer. This time the cover featured a photo of Luke with the full band; on the back was a candid snapshot of Luke and Emmett in the locker room at their gym, with Emmett sitting on a bench holding a girl on one knee and Luke on the other. Jerry must have asked Luke a hundred times if he was sure he wanted to use that image, but Luke figured he didn't get into rock and roll just so he could play it safe.
The album got good reviews and sold well, with the first single even reaching the bottom of the hit charts. The first time Luke randomly heard his song playing on the radio was one of the high points of his life.
Of course, the new record company wanted the band back out on tour again almost immediately. That would have been fine with Luke – he already missed performing and barely knew what to do with himself at home any more – but he was conscious that the rest of the guys needed a break. After some back and forth between the band and the label, Luke got an agreement to postpone touring till the early fall of 1980.
That left Luke with a year to kill in Philadelphia. By now he had a decent apartment and was very much a big deal in town. There was a flurry of media interest when the album released that died down after a few months. His family seemed impressed at the attention he was getting, and he spent some time re-connecting with them – hanging out with his sister, spoiling his mother, and trying to forge some kind of awkward détente with his father. As always, he was constantly writing, and when he didn't go out he sat on his porch with a guitar, working on new material.
Many nights he still hung out at the bars downtown, telling stories, letting people buy him beer, joining bands onstage whenever it appealed to him. He always kept an eye on the other local performers and one night he met a young singer-songwriter named Laura, who had a lovely voice that made him think again about his idea of expanding the band. But Eddie had agreed to join the next tour, and Emmett's voice worked well with his songs, so in the end he just filed Laura away in his mind for future reference.
Luke tried to honour his internal promise to support Eddie's projects, but found his opportunities limited. Eddie sang and played guitar in his own band so he didn't really need Luke, though he'd occasionally ask Luke to join him onstage just to drum up more interest in his gigs. Jerry and Luke had both tried to persuade the new record label to sign Eddie as well but the company declined, and in the end Eddie got a small one-album deal with a different label on his own. When he was ready to record, Luke lent him a bit of cash and showed up at the studio every day, trying to keep quiet unless Eddie asked for help or advice, which he usually didn't. It was strange to feel so irrelevant.
Meanwhile, Emmett appeared to be enjoying his quasi-celebrity status and freedom in Philly. He savoured the increased attention and seemed to like being surrounded by new friends and admirers. He and Luke continued to spend nights together while they both dated women casually, until Emmett settled on a steady girlfriend. After that they still hung out but the sleep-overs stopped. Luke often went over when Emmett had the kids, and sometimes they'd take the boys on expeditions to Ocean City or Wildwood.
Luke had a couple of relationships that lasted for a few months but nothing longer than that; he always found himself restless and dissatisfied and would look for a way to end things. When he had someone who passed for a girlfriend, Emmett would suggest double-dates, or invite the two of them over for dinner with him and Gina, his girlfriend.
For the first time it occurred to Luke that Emmett could be a source of pain. It seemed almost impossible to reconcile that idea with the deep sense of safety and comfort Emmett had always given him. Luke tried to remind himself that Emmett saw their nights together as a kind of interim entertainment, and still expected to find a woman to settle down with. By this time Luke couldn’t really imagine the same thing.
In the spring of 1980, the album's second single became an unexpected, bonafide hit, picking up airplay on both AM and FM radio and reaching the top of the Billboard charts. Luke was a bit taken aback at the idea of being a Top 40 artist, but the increased media interest – not to mention an almost immediate impact on his royalty payments – outweighed his misgivings.
By mid-summer it was time to start preparing for the next tour. Rehearsals began, and Luke worked with Jerry on planning and logistics. This tour would be larger than the last one, with the band and crew still travelling on buses but now playing much larger concert halls and arenas. It would last a little less than a year, with a few breaks, and for the first time included a series of shows in Europe.
“I ain't ever been to Europe before,” Luke said.
“Me neither,” Emmett agreed. “What countries are we going to?”
“England, France, Italy ... Germany ... Spain ... I don't recall everything.”
They were walking home from practice on a sweltering August night, a few weeks before the tour was set to launch. Both of them lived close to the rehearsal space, and they often hung out together after a practice.
“I can't wait, man.”
“For Europe or the tour?” Luke laughed. They cut through one of the city parks, their paces slowing in the heat.
“Both. I mean, seeing London and Paris, that's pretty cool. But I love touring anywhere.”
“Man, it's hot. You wanna go check out the bar strip tonight or…?”
“I might just head home. It's too hot to play and I've got the kids tomorrow morning.”
As they came up to a tall decorative water fountain, Luke reached over and tossed a handful of water at Emmett, then poured another handful over his own face.
“That feels good.” Emmett, in shorts and an unbuttoned shirt, lowered himself onto the low stone wall surrounding the fountain, kicked off his sandals and dangled his bare legs into the water. Laughing, Luke dropped down beside him, pulled off his shoes, and swung his feet into the pool next to Emmett's, letting the water soak his jeans up to the knees.
“Hey, how's Gina doin'?” Luke asked after a minute. “I ain't seen her in a while.”
“Aw…” Emmett half shrugged with a hint of embarrassment. “We split up last week.”
“What? You never told me! Oh…I'm sorry, man.”
“It's okay. You know how it is. I knew we weren't gonna make it through the tour so…I just figured it's better to end things now.”
“I guess. How'd she take it?”
“Not so bad. I think we both saw the writing on the wall.”
Luke turned his face away, not trusting himself to hide his relief. He kicked his feet, spraying more water onto Emmett. “Probably a good idea,” he said eventually. “So…you're a free man for the tour anyways.”
“Yep.”
Something in the way Emmett spoke made Luke turn back towards him. What did that faint smile mean? Luke stood up and splashed randomly through the water, wondering if Emmett ever missed him like he missed Emmett.
“Does that mean we can…” he started.
“Yep.”
In a moment they were chasing each other around the fountain, circling the falling jets and kicking up sparkling sprays of water. Emmett reached out for Luke, his strong arm encircling Luke's waist and pulling him closer. Then, in mutual understanding, they threw their arms over each other's shoulders and ran straight through the high circle of spray at the centre of the fountain, the water cascading over their faces like falling rain.
Afterwards they walked the rest of the way home, laughing, soaked through, and carrying their shoes.
***
“He what?” Luke cackled disbelievingly.
“He air-guitared on the dance floor,” Emmett said, with that bemused look he often had when describing Jerry's actions.
“But why?”
“I think he was trying to impress that fox from the PR company.”
“Did it work?”
“...No.”
Luke dropped his head in amusement. They lay in Emmett's hotel room, Emmett in an open silk robe, and Luke sprawled across the bed beside him, propped on his chest. They'd already made out for a while and then stopped, as they often did, to drink and chat before moving on.
The tour was a few months in now, long enough for Luke to get over his initial jitters. He'd worried, at first, about his ability to manage arena-sized crowds, but found that with a few adjustments he could still bring a sense of community and cohesion to upwards of fifteen thousand fans. Sometimes he had to rely on bigger gestures now; turning his mic to the audience to let them lead the chorus of his hits, or running across the stage into a long slide or series of tumbling somersaults. His iconic poses with Emmett somehow became even more dramatic on the large, high stages, though he supposed the quick kiss in “Flaming Up” was missed by anyone beyond the first row. He asked José to turn up the houselights occasionally so he could see the crowd's faces, and had the crew add ramps and aisles that let him leave the stage more easily. It hadn't occurred to him to alert the security team but someone – he suspected Emmett – obviously did, as one of them was always set to follow him when he jumped down from the stage and made his way into the crowd.
“Can't believe I didn't get to see that.” Luke raised his head again and looked up at Emmett. “Was Eddie there?”
Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
“No, just me and Jerry from the team. You should've come.”
“Aw, I had enough of those industry parties. Even watching Jer embarrass himself don't make them worth it anymore.”
“So what did you do tonight?”
“Oh, you know…hung out with some fans, had dinner with a guy from the radio station – I got an interview with him tomorrow before the show.” Luke stood up to make Emmett another drink. “But thank you for going, I appreciate you takin' one for the team.”
Emmett laughed. “I like those events. It's a good way to meet people, maybe line up new projects.”
“Yeah, you like being the talent and letting everyone make a big deal over you.”
“Sure I do, what's wrong with that?”
Luke shook his head, smiling. “Nothin’.” He poured Jim Beam over ice in the glass, then added ginger ale. The bottles came from his own room where Janie had left them as requested. His income had increased recently – not so much from tours, but from album sales and royalties – and he'd hired his first personal assistant just before the tour started. Janie was one of his oldest fans, willing to work cheap in exchange for joining the tour, and she freed him from the most banal aspects of daily life.
He brought the drink over to Emmett, who was leaning against the headboard now, and dropped back down onto the bed.
“Bet that PR lady woulda gone home with you if you tried.”
“I bet she would too.” Emmett grinned at Luke over the glass as he sipped. “But I had plans with you, man. I wasn't going to stand you up.”
Luke planted a kiss on his shoulder, then lay back down to rest his head in Emmett's lap. “Thank you.”
“Hey, Luke…” Emmett looked down at him, more serious now. “I heard some of the company guys talking at the party, and they say this tour is doing really well.”
“Yeah, it is. You guys'll get a new statement soon, you're gonna be happy.”
Emmett's broad hand brushed the hair off Luke's forehead. “It's not just about the money. I'm glad it's going well; I thought maybe you weren't liking this one as much.”
“You know I love touring.” Luke could hear the caginess in his voice and knew Emmett would too.
“Is it the size of the venues? I know it's harder with the big crowds.”
“It's not that. I love the crowds. I love how many people want to see us.”
“What's bothering you, then?”
Luke lay on his back and stared up at the ceiling. “It just…feels different from before. Y'know, we got, like, fifty people on the team now – I don't even know everyone's name. I mean, I could pass someone at the store and not know they work for me.”
“Yeah, that seems weird.”
“And I barely see the guys. No one hangs out together any more.”
“Well, they have their own lives.”
“Sure, I mean, Leo’s got his wife and kids here…”
“Eddie's got Jenny…”
“His fiancée. But, like, I have fucking meetings with Ray and José and Mark…it's like we're some kind of corporation.”
“You meet with us too.”
“Yeah…sound-check, show, weekly meeting, that's the only time the band's together.”
“We've had a lot of togetherness over the last seven years, man.”
Luke laughed. “I get it, there ain't much left to talk about.”
“It's not like everyone hates each other.”
“I know, they just got shit to do.” Luke sat up and took a sip from Emmett's drink. “Even you, man. You're always busy with other people and these parties and all the chicks….” Actually, the women didn't bother Luke so much, although they were plentiful, because Emmett didn't seem serious about any of them. In fact, Luke suspected Emmett mainly brought attractive women to events so he'd get more attention from the media; he always scoured the papers the next day looking for coverage, much to Luke's amusement. “I ain't complaining, just sometimes I miss hangin’ out.”
“You're busier than me, though. I'd hang out with you if I could find you, but most days you're holed up with Jerry for hours.”
“Yeah.” Luke sighed. “I thought having Janie would free me up for fun stuff but I just spend more time with Jerry instead, going over money and contracts and new deals…”
“Aw, you don't like being a big star now?” Emmett said, pulling away so he could face Luke with gentle derision.
“I love bein’ a rock star. I love feeling like I can do something for the world. I love bein’ famous and having fans, and the money don't hurt either. It's just – it don't always feel like rock and roll now, feels more like a business. I spend all day making deals.”
“You know if you don't take care of your business, someone else is gonna do it for you.”
“I know, I'm glad I'm in control. But man, some days I just wish someone else would make the decisions for me.”
Emmett growled playfully, grabbed Luke and swung him back into his lap, then held him in place and leaned down to kiss his mouth. “I can decide some things for you if you want.”
Luke did want. The combination of powerlessness and safety in Emmett's arms still intoxicated him. He wanted that, and the friendship, and the physical intimacy, and all the things he already had with Emmett. Only he wanted more as well.
Luke wasn't the type to hide from the truth. He knew simple crushes didn't last for seven years; he knew he didn't sleep with Emmett out of curiosity, or because no girl happened to be handy; he knew who he was thinking about when he sang love songs these days. The way he felt with Emmett wasn't the same as he felt with a friend; the way Emmett felt to him wasn't the same as a woman did. This thing with Emmett was different from anything he'd known before – exciting and heady, rich and ripe for exploration.
But he still wasn't sure Emmett took their sleep-overs so seriously. It was as if Emmett figured as long as they just talked, made out, got each other off and went to sleep, he could continue to categorize everything they did under the heading friends. Was that really how he wanted it, or just the safer option?
Luke thought often about pushing the question, trying to force Emmett into an admission, or at least into actually considering the question. He hesitated not because he was afraid of the answer, but because he wasn't sure Emmett himself knew what he wanted yet. This was, after all, Emmett's first real taste of freedom; he'd spent his whole life before now doing what others wanted him to. How could he know his own preferences until he'd had chance to sample all the options? Wouldn't he reach the right decision eventually?
In the meantime, Luke tried to hold himself back and stay within Emmett's comfort zone. He let Emmett take the lead in bed as in most other places – because it just felt right. Perhaps Luke had been a bit intimidated at first, or grateful for Emmett's faith in him; maybe now he was burnt out on decision-making, or it might have something to do with that feeling he got whenever Emmett pinned him down or carried him, helpless as a child. Whatever the reason, Luke's instinct was to defer to Emmett in all things outside of work or music.
So tonight he was happy to let Emmett hold him down and kiss him until he was gasping, no longer embarrassed that it made him hard. Emmett knew what he liked and always seemed good-natured about taking care of him; in fact, Luke was pretty sure he enjoyed it more than he let on. Afterward Luke felt so good he almost drifted off. That was the great thing about being with a guy, he thought drowsily; they understood.
But he didn't want to miss his chance to return the favour if Emmett would let him, which he usually did without much protest these days. Rousing himself after a couple of minutes, Luke turned to face Emmett, who lay with an arm over him as always.
“Em?” He usually asked for permission first, just to be safe.
There was no answer; Emmett's breathing was soft and even but surely he couldn't have fallen asleep yet? Luke reached down and tentatively closed his hand around Emmett's dick.
“Hey – ” Emmett mumbled, swatting Luke's hand away sleepily. “You'd be in trouble if you were my boy…”
“Huh?” Luke’s hand froze in place, a few inches from Emmett’s hip. “What did you say?”
“Oh…” Emmett still sounded drowsy. “Sorry, Lukey, c'mere, it's okay…”
Luke's brain did not know what to compute first. “I'm ... not?” he said finally.
“What?” Emmett, more awake now, tugged Luke toward him and kissed him apologetically. “I didn't mean to stop you.”
“I ain't your boy?” Luke pushed against Emmett's arms, trying to sit up.
“What? Oh, forget what I said, I was half asleep. C'mon back here.”
“No, wait, hold on.” Luke couldn't seem to formulate a complete thought. When he pushed again Emmett released him, and he jumped over to the other side of the bed, feeling dizzy. “What did you mean?”
“It was nothing. I was talking in my sleep.”
“You said I ain't your boy.”
“You're no one's boy, Luke.”
“I'm yours.” As he said the words, Luke had never been more sure of anything in his life.
“Don't talk crazy. You don't know what you're saying.”
Luke squeezed his eyes shut briefly and tried to move to the next half formed thought. “If you think I ain't – then who is?”
Emmett laughed. “No one. And you don't want to be. Come on, just forget I said anything.”
Still too many thoughts at once. “I do – and – why wouldn't I? And who was? When?”
“Look, you're not missing anything.” Emmett spoke more gently now, as though recognizing Luke's turmoil. He sat up in the bed, leaning against the headboard, and put a coaxing hand out toward Luke. “It's – it's just a thing I used to do, but it was a long time ago and it doesn't mean anything. Okay?”
“Do you…” It had never occurred to Luke to wonder before, but now it was urgent to him. “Do you do this with other guys?”
“What? No, man. Only you.”
Luke took a breath. “But – before?”
“I mean, a long time ago…yeah.”
“Your boy.”
“It wasn't…like, one particular guy.”
“Well, why them and not me? How come they get to be yours and I don't?”
“Because that was different. It's not what you're thinking, it wasn't, like, some romantic thing.”
Emmett's outstretched hand had dropped onto the bed, and he faced forward stoically, not meeting Luke's transfixed gaze. Somehow the jumble inside Luke's mind cleared enough for him to realize Emmett wasn't just reluctant to talk about this; he was embarrassed. Luke felt a pang of guilt; he told himself to drop it and realized instantly that was impossible.
“Listen, Em,” he said, trying to corral his emotions into a coherent sentence. “I don't mean to pry, I guess you don't like talking about this but…I'm sorry, I gotta know.”
They sat for a few minutes, Emmett stubbornly silent and Luke still trying to process. Finally, Luke got up, turned on a lamp, and made another drink. He brought it back to the bed and offered it to Emmett, then slid back in, lifted Emmett's arm and moved under it, leaning against his chest.
“How long ago?” Luke asked.
“In college.”
“Guys too?” “Some. In college.” Luke suddenly remembered their earlier conversation. “The ones that were…curious about you.”
“Yeah.”
“So who were they?”
Emmett frowned a little, and for a moment Luke thought he wouldn't answer. “You know…” he began finally, hesitantly. “There's, like, a group of these guys in college…”
“I wouldn't know, I never went.”
“Well, there was at PSU. Guys that like guys. They were friendly to me and…I mean, I knew what they were and it didn't bother me. So…then they started making passes.”
“You think it was because you're…”
“I think I was a big, exotic guy to them. There were other men who looked like me, but I was always cordial to these guys so they went after me. You know, I thought we were friends but…”
“But they only wanted one thing.”
“It wasn't just that. They didn't see me as a real person. They'd make this big show of being – afraid of me, or they'd act like I was some kind of tribal god they wanted to worship…”
In the midst of his consternation, Luke found himself suppressing a smile; he kind of knew that feeling. But Emmett wasn't smiling.
“Only they weren't really afraid of me. They didn't really even like me. It was just a game they were playing, you know?”
“But you…fooled around with them?”
“Yeah. That's how I learned what to do. This was long before Clarissa.” Emmett hesitated but Luke just waited, and eventually he went on. “I guess I figured, if they were playing games with me, I could do it back. So, you know, I'd order them around, or make up these crazy rules they had to follow, whatever…just to kind of get back at them.”
“Did you hurt anyone?”
“No, of course not. I mean,” Emmett paused again, then added. “Not on purpose.”
“How many were there?”
“Not that many. Five or six, over the years.”
“So did you…like it?”
“It was a fair trade, I guess. They got what they wanted, and I got what I wanted.” Emmett looked down at Luke. “Listen, I'm not proud of any of this. I – ”
“What kind of things did you make them do?”
“What? Oh…you know, dumb things. Buy me dinner, do my homework…”
“In bed. What did you make them do in bed?”
In the lamplight, Luke could barely make out the dark flush spreading over Emmett's face.
“Come on Luke,” Emmett said, “Don't make me…”
“Please. Tell me.”
“I don't know. Not let them touch me, or not touch themselves…or not let them come. Or make them ask for it. Or kneel, or…”
“And you liked that.”
“What?”
“You said they got what they wanted and you got what you wanted. So I guess you liked it.”
Emmett jumped out of bed, pulling his robe around him, and paced across the floor, avoiding Luke's gaze. “Look, man, it was just dumb college hijinks, it didn't mean anything. Don't make it out like – ”
“It's okay.” A calm had settled over Luke, as though Emmett's increased agitation reduced his own. He got up and went over to put his hands on Emmett's waist. “I'm just tryin' to understand. C'mon back to bed, will you?”
Emmett let Luke lead him to the bed, a little reluctantly. He took off his robe and slid in as Luke turned off the light. In the dark, Luke moved beside him, hands stroking his chest.
“I was tryin' to ask if I could take care of you, since you looked after me.”
“I'm not really in the mood now,” Emmett said.
“I feel like I got you all stressed out, least I could do is help you calm down.”
“You can do that better by letting me go to sleep.”
“If that's what you want.” Luke shifted onto his other side, his back to Emmett's chest, then reached behind to tug Emmett's hand towards him.
Emmett didn't need to be told. He wrapped his arm across Luke's back and pulled him closer. “Night, El.”
“Night, Em.”