Plunging headlong into the river of Ashton's life felt I was peeling the flesh from her bones and digging my way into the pit of her soul. I owed her every apology I could ever have the time to utter. But she was me, wasn't she? And yet, she wasn't. How deep did our connection run? If I had the ability to travel through her life, if we were connected enough for that to work, did it mean I had the right?
I knew the answer. Because I knew that if she wanted my life, I'd give it to her willingly, but I'd want her to ask for it.
"What if we tell her the truth?" I asked. "What has you so certain that you can trust me but not her?"
"Because you trust Piercey but she no longer trusts me. She cannot let herself trust me. We've drifted too far apart and to come back together would only hurt us."
Ashton had made decisions in her life that had push her away from the people who I held the closest to me. I didn't want to believe that in any life I'd do that.
"I think you're underestimating her."
"You know how stubborn you can be."
"But I love my people. She loves you, Elias."
I saw it then as a deep and burning pain flashed in his eyes. My heart softened.
"That's it. She loves you. That's why she's pushing you away."
Confusion came over his face. Of course. I'd been here with Piercey, but we'd been able to move past it, because I didn't give him too much of myself. More than I wanted to give.
"Elias, if she gets close to you, it hurts you. As much as the way you too are right now seems to hurt, being with her without being with obviously kills you. So she's letting you walk further from her. It doesn't mean she doesn't trust you."
This man was too hurt to see clearly. I could practically hear his heart begging the question. Why not him? Why never him? No matter how much he loved her and no matter how he sacrificed, why was it never him in any world?
He glanced away, the embarrassment he must have felt at his weakness apparent in his reddened cheeks. "She's strong enough to handle that."
"No, she's not. You're her weakness. Her people are. I would not be able to stand breaking Piercey."
Elias looked at me now and that life that he and Piercey had shared with one another seemed alive in him. The knowing looked drilled fear into my heart. "Not if you didn't know."
Piercey wouldn't want Elias spilling secrets. Why had he said it? Had he not learned the self-discipline her friend had? Or was he so hurt that he couldn't help himself? I wasn't sure I cared for a bitter version of Piercey, though I couldn't help pitying him.
"Sorry." He shook his head. "You've done nothing wrong. You're not obligated to fall in love with someone and you've been a true friend to Piercey."
"You mistake me for her."
"I guess so. I didn't mean to lash out."
The softness of Piercey's heart was also in Elias's. "One day," I said, "maybe you'll realize that while Ashton may not feel the kind of love you want her to feel for you, her love is just as deep and just as true."
"Don't. I'm not ready for that. Our life here is different, okay? I had her. She gave me her heart and I knew what it was to be with her. I ruined it. I ruined it before it even started because I knew she didn't feel the same way about me. I thought if I loved her enough, she would love me too."
"Elias…"
"We never had what you and Nash have. That's the worst part about all this. I realize that even after years of Ashton, I never actually had her heart."
I swallowed hard. "Do you see why I don't want to go peering in her life? Tricking Jaxon? This has consequences."
"There's consequences to not fighting this war. Ashton would do it to you. She'd enter your life and use it to save her people in a heartbeat."
What the hell did it really matter? Ashton would never know any different. I shouldn't have been copied and dispersed over the worlds anyway. "Let's just get back to it."
I said nothing further as I closed my eyes.
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My first few weeks working with the Silver Moon Guild and with Jaxon as my partner had not tempted me to allow these warriors from our rival guild to feel like anything except what they were–our enemies.
As the coastal kingdom ramped up their war against us, we gathered for what promised to be the largest battle I'd ever taken part in. In fact, battles of this magnitude did not happen often in the Valley. I'd primarily witnessed such events in mock wars, held annually as a part of training to mobilize our forces in the event of a large-scale attack by enemy kingdoms.
There had been surprise attacks and ambushes during our dispute with the southern kingdom over the last month, but for the first time our armies met to face one another head on. They had gathered to overtake a large city and we'd stopped them in the plains of the Valley before they could gather too close. It had always seemed like a strange concept to me to gather in a field and kill each other.
No matter, though. I was ready for this battle.
Even if I didn't feel quite ready to fight with Jax as my partner.
It was strange that our guilds felt like they were at war, and indeed even acted as though, but steadfastly served the same kingdom. In the end, we would die by each other's sides if it meant protecting our kingdom. How could we be so loyal to one another as countrymen and yet enemies as members of our guilds?
We lived in permanent dissonance because of our competition. Competition that had soured into an outright blood feud. I feared that with time we could begin to place more loyalty in our feud with each other than in our kingdom. That would be the day that the guilds lost their souls, and those of us who served them, would perish with them.
As much as I resented fighting alongside the Silver Moon guild, seeing this battlefield made me feel childish for complaining in that first week. I didn't like having to collaborate, but I saw the need for it now. The four kingdoms of the coast had united several times in the past to challenge our borders, but never at this extent.
It was unprecedented. Shocking. Deadly.
I looked to my side where Jax stood tall and showed no signs of fear. He appeared entirely born for battle, from the hunger in his eyes to the broadness of his form. He was a war machine. I felt the same way, truly. I might not have had the size he did, but my natural talent for wielding my powers in combat had been the source of so much jealousy in my guild. Maybe he wasn't such a bad partner after all. I wouldn't confess that to him and would probably deny it to myself as soon as the high of battle wore off.
Elias would say that I was acting immature. I smirked at the thought, unable to deny it. As quiet fell over the battlefield like a prelude to our war, my mind stiled.
Our army moved first and that gave me tremendous pride.
We charged forward together, no longer opposing members of warring guilds, but determined warriors of our Kingdom of the Valley. The lines between us no longer existed and the conflict that felt so deeply entrenched, so impossible to forget, became like a distant dream.
The sharp screeches of steel blades clashing, punctuated by the first screams of the injured, erupted within seconds. I drove forward with Jax and the rest of our group, immediately cutting off the hand of an enemy warrior in my second strike. No one in my group used energy weapons, which was rare. Usually around half of warriors preferred this. While they did provide more versatility and were stronger than our physically created weapons, it required energy. Instead, I preferred to strengthen, shield, and power my physical weapons with my energy.
As I swung my blade, the field began to darken, and I looked up to see navy storm clouds of power spread through the sky above us. Our enemy already vied for dominance of the airspace.
Battles of this size posed logistical problems because the collision of so much power could devastate our region and destroy the natural resources we all wanted to claim. It had happened before. In school, we'd studied battles over the last few decades that resulted in unintended, mass casualties, or the destruction of scarce resources. Our most chilling example was a battle that took place a full hour ride from the nearby village and had reduced every structure there to rubble from an overwhelming surge of power.
It wasn't just that an individual could create too much power. When we worked together, our power became one, and as one, it could boil over to the top. It was harder to stop the out of control power of a group. More like trying to undo a massive avalanche. So we couldn't throw all that we had at one another or reach our full potential. When using battle in war, it was as much as control and strategically holding back as it was about overpowering the enemy.
That was why we divided into crews. Warriors on the ground, like Jax and I, used our power individually, only combining temporarily if a strategic opportunity presented itself. We engaged in targeted combat against individuals we could see or could sense within a close vicinity. Our powers strengthened our attacks or were focused on limited enemies. This was different from the aerial support who hid in the woods and united like one body to gather their individual energy into one massive and deadly pool. They didn't target individuals but groups, or even entire divisions.
The defenders had arguably the most challenging job of protecting our entire force and also trying to watch out for individuals. They banded together to shield groups or strengthen lone warriors.
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We all worked in unison, the warriors, the defenders, and the commanders. The problem was that the enemy always had similar tactics. Despite our power and our tactics, the battle was actually quite simple, just like in the books we read about worlds that lacked power. We might have had different weapons, but war wasn't so different in different worlds.
I had to ignore the threat that loomed all around me, that currently darkened the sky in a navy film of power that swirled over our head like storm clouds. If our defenders lost their hold on that immense energy, it would crush all of us beneath it in a second, no matter how good we were with power. I could do absolutely nothing about this and so I banished the thought of the threat from my mind. It would creep in at times, especially when bolts of power cracked like lightning. But I had a job to do and I had to only think about what I could control.
My group pushed forward through the enemy lines and trampled the slain bodies underfoot.
"Now," I shouted. I darted forward, swinging my blade and unleashing a wave of power with it that sliced clean through a leg, severing it. It continued on but collided with the glint of an energy shield.
Another blade caught mine, the edges clashing with a sharp cry, powered by our energy. I pivoted on my heel and used the power coursing around my blade to drive it unnaturally fast into the kidney of a nearby warrior.
Jax moved with equal speed and precision, his sword carving through the back of a warrior as he skidded to a stop beside me. I dragged in a deep breath into my burning lungs, trying not to grin. I shouldn't have been having fun when people were losing their lives and our Valley faced so much danger. Rarely did we get to face such an enormous battle, though.
A group of warriors locked their eyes on us, perhaps seeing all their fallen comrades around us. We didn't wait for them, but ran forward and clashed.
Jax flew into the air, spinning rapidly, spreading bolts of power down in a perimeter around us. Usually, warriors did not attack so many at once. His power of flight gave him a unique and fascinating advantage. I'd never actually fought with someone who could fly before. Hovering was difficult enough.
My heart was thudding hard in my chest and it wasn't from the battle. He fought so beautifully. I could see the discipline behind each move and knew that he had trained incredibly hard and successfully.
The warriors now focused on us were different from the others. Faster. Stronger. More brutal.
A man with a blade the size of both my legs combined and muscled arms about the same size reared back, eyes locked on me.
He lunged. I dodged. We danced around one another until the mighty swing of his blade came within inches of my left forearm. This time when he reared back, I had to face it head on. I caught the strike of his blade with my own and my energy surrounding my weapon.
My body strained beneath the unwavering steel and the incredible power of the attack. Jax had noticed, tried to come to my aid, but was cut off by my opponent's partner.
I couldn't defend against this attack. Any moment, the blade was going to snap mine in half and cut through my chest. It would be an instant kill if I didn't do something.
Releasing all of my energy, I lowered my blade and shot to the side. The massive sword thudded into the ground so hard that it almost disappeared completely into the earth. The man had no problem ripping it back up. Dodging out of the way was only a temporary solution. He wasn't slightly winded. He'd let me evade because he likely had hundreds of those same attacks left in him. I wouldn't win in a power or endurance competition with this beast.
Instead, I drew the energy from my body out of every pour, surrounded by tiny droplets of power that would look like a glaze over my body. The man charged for me. This attack depended upon the flexibility of the form my power took, so I didn't channel it into a weapon or even attempt to prepare a shield. Instead, I fell completely into my instinct, trusting myself to feel out what I needed to do.
This would never work for people like Elias who grew their power through dedicated study. I was an instinct fighter and I needed to give myself over to those instincts and to the speed of my subconscious mind, which worked far faster than the part of me that needed to think and dissect.
I trust the beads of my energy that surrounded every inch of my body to protect me, reserving only a small percent of normally I would need for my attack.
The man nailed me with a hit so powerful that it clapped like thunder and shook the ground. Only it didn't actually hit me. The beads of power surrounded the blade on all directions, each exerting a forward force, so the blade stopped inches from my face. The remaining beads darted out to cover him like flies on a rotting carcass.
He cried out in alarm and jumped backward, blindly swinging his massive blade.
Beads popped against his skin in tiny explosions. It wouldn't kill him but it would hurt. Thousands of bloody pinpricks littered his body, distracting him.
I drew my energy back to me in the form of a long, sharp spear that I threw directly at his throat. He cut through the spear easily enough, not realizing it was not my real attack, but a distraction.
A quarter of the beads hadn't exploded against him but gathered into a knife at the base of his skull. He drove his head into himself as he jumped back to avoid my spear.
I breathed in heavily, drawing as much of my energy back to myself as I could. It wasn't accurate to say that my power was a finite source, like a pitcher of water that had a limit. Rather, I thought of it as a waterfall breaking through a cave wall. Only so much water would come out at once, but there was always more waiting to rush out.
Sometimes, I could break the hole in that wall open further. I focused on rest to replenish my energy as I turned to see Jax holding the severed head of his enemy. He'd grabbed hold of the man's hair to hold him steady for his final blow. I only caught the end of it.
Jax dropped the head, staring at me. He looked as shocked as everyone else who'd ever seen the strategy I'd used had. It was rare and while it was not my own creation, I was the only person in the valley who had mastered it well enough to use it in battle.
"What the hell was that?"
I smirked, unable to help it. We might have had a few skills we could teach each other. I couldn't deny how incredible it was to fight with him and what a shame it was that we found ourselves on opposites of the feud between our guilds.
We did, though. And nothing else mattered. Jax was my enemy. One day, it would likely be our blades crossing.
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The battle stretched on over seven days as warriors swarmed the area to stop the march forward of the enemy warriors toward our city. In the end, we'd fended them off, but we knew they'd return with a vengeance.
Everyone had been exhausted from tireless warring. We'd earned a few days rest in the city we had battled to protect.
Elias met our group there, worried about me after hearing about the ordeal. The time apart and the stress of the past few weeks softened the tension between us. I'd never wanted to have any in the first place. We'd broken up nearly a year ago and sworn to stay friends, so why couldn't we put it behind us?
"It's inconceivable that we should have to join forces in any way, shape, or form," Elias said with a bitter note to his voice. "How did we let this happen?"
"Even your greatest enemy becomes your ally when outsiders from the far lands try to steal your home." Jaxon stretched his arm across his chest. "Don't worry. As soon as we've dealt with this threat, we'll go back to kicking each other's asses."
"Yeah right." I leaned against my knees and leveled a look at Jaxon. "I'm going to kick your ass. There's no each other's asses in this scenario."
"Try." Jaxon shifted to the side. "Come for me right now and show me what you can do."
Elias guffawed and turned away as if he could not stomach the sight of Jaxon fooling around, but it only made me want to kick his ass even more.
I slammed my boot forward swiftly. He dodged, of course, but I'd anticipated he wouldn't simply stand still. As soon as I'd attacked, I'd erected a wall right before him, unseen, but hard as steel.
Instead of slamming into it like I'd planned, he pushed off of it with a shimmering zap of energy that sent him flying to the side of my foot. With horror, I realized that he was mid-spin and headed for my own ass. Presumably to kick it. How had he anticipated the wall? Did he possess such fine detection abilities that he sensed it, though he could not see it?
Didn't matter. I'd look like a fool if I let him reach me. That definitely couldn't happen.
I funneled my energy against his chest. He blocked this, but it gave me time to reposition. I dove for the ground and swung my leg for its target. Jaxon leapt into the air and hovered there.
Damn. There was no denying how good that move was. Pushing off the ground with a blast of force from each hand, I used the energy to throw myself into a flip and slam into him. Though I didn't connect with the ass I wanted to kick, it did allow me to grab him around his waist so he couldn't fly too high.
A laugh bellowed from Jaxon as he ripped my arms away from him. We both landed–my palms raised to him and his fists to me. The sound of his laughter snapped me out of the daze of our skirmish. We weren't friends and enemies didn't laugh together.
I shifted my eyes away from his easy smile and nodded at Elias. "The only good thing about working with them is learning for when we fight them in the future."
Jax looked skeptical as he sauntered closer, quirking his brow at me. "I don't buy your act, Ash. You're having fun."
"I'm having fun imagining the day I rip your head from your shoulders."
Damn, that sounded like we were having fun, didn't it?
"You think I'm joking," I said. "I'm not."
"Sure," Jax said.
Elias eyed the two of us and it made me feel even more like I needed to set the record straight. Ensure everyone here knew where we stood.
I shrugged. "I'll confess that your warriors fight admirably and that you're more deserving enemies than I'd originally imagined."
"Your praise means everything to me." The sarcastic tease of Jax's voice grated at me and made my stomach feel lighter.
Instead of responding, I rolled my eyes, and walked into the other room so I could keep enough space away from everyone.
The day passed slowly as I rested and sharpened my blades for the next battle. Eventually, Elias found me, letting me know he would leave in the morning to return home.
"You'll be safe?" he asked.
I'd been lying down and sat up on the bed to face him fully. "You know I will."
"It's hard to leave you here when I know you're going to be fighting."
When we'd been together, he'd worried about me when I was away fighting, and normally those were a smaller scale than this. "You have to trust me."
He nodded. Forced a smile. "I do. Your group is skilled. I feel better knowing you're fighting alongside the best warriors." I realized I'd pursed my lips when Elias chuckled. "You really can't let yourself warm up to them, can you?"
I could be more honest with Elias than I could with myself, despite all that had happened between us. "You know that I let people in too deep. I can't give them any room in my life or it'll be too hard to go back to being enemies."
A look of understanding passed over him. "You don't want to feel any loyalties to an opposing guild." Elias sat down beside me, leaving enough space for me to remember when we didn't have anything separating us. "You commit too deeply."
That sounded loaded and I supposed it was. For all the years I'd spent with Elias, I knew for most of them that we shouldn't have been together, but I couldn't walk away from the relationship. It felt like abandoning him. In a way, it felt like abandoning me, because he was so much a part of my life.
The pain of loving Elias cut into my heart like thorns. I truly cared for him and always had. I'd learned to love him. Had found every beautiful thing about him. He was like a wine that I'd come to appreciate and adore. But we were not right for each other and I realized I should never had trained myself to enjoy his taste. Loving Elias had robbed me of him.
He reached across the space between us to settle his hand over mine, likely feeling the hurt now churning in that emptiness.
I missed him so badly that I would do anything to have him back–even teach myself to crave him again. That wasn't how love should work though. I should long for him, not make myself accept him.
He'd always seen it in me, too. Felt it. The absence of my heat for him must have felt frigid and numbing.
I had to let go of this part of our relationship so we could both move forward.