I didn't turn around when Elias entered the room.

"Lote asked me to take you home."

"And make sure I stay put," I finished for him.

"Yes."

My hands curled tightly around my pant leg. "I don't want to talk to you. I know you think I'll cave and then you can explain yourself, try to make me see your reasoning. Today is not the day."

"I understand."

Normally, Elias would not have been able to help trying to smooth things over with me. He could never stand there being any problems between us. I expected him to walk closer, to speak in that sheepish voice, to tell me he loved me. Instead, he left me alone to finish getting ready, and I managed to almost feel bad.

The day passed in the silence that I demanded. I stared out the window, hating that I hadn't said goodbye to Jaxon, and that I wouldn't be joining everyone in battle. What if something happened while I was gone? We were all a team. This was life and death. We needed each other.

I was not staying home. I had to at leat watch from a distance and see if I could secretly help. Elias wouldn't be babysitting me for weeks. Lote wouldn't assign me anything important to do because he was angry with me. I would have a chance to return.

The day passed in slow motion. I could feel Elias's torment at not having the chance to make repairs. I wasn't trying to exact revenge. It just hurt too badly to speak and I didn't trust myself not to lash out.

Finally, when darkness fell over our carriage, I pried myself away from the window to face him. "I'm ready."

"Are you sure?"

I nodded, not wanting to say anything more than I had to.

"I know how it looks and I hope that you trust me enough to realize it isn't that."

Already, this felt like too much. It was all so raw. I'd never been so humiliated in all of my life. I'd worked incredibly hard to make it to where I had and I couldn't lose my integrity because of a sex scandal. It wasn't that to me. It was so much more. But that was how everyone would see it. Something dirty, shameful, filled with lust. Jaxon had meant far more than that to me.

"I know you have your justifications," I said.

"I can't tell you everything right now."

I hands tightened into fists at this. "Excuse me?"

"I can't."

"I looked the other way the last year with your weird secrets, but I'm not this time. I know that you told Lote about me and Jax and where to find us. This could completely ruin my standing with the guild."

Elias tried to take my hand but I pushed him off.

"Your standing will not be hurt. You're well respected even beyond the Valley. The guild needs you. It's going to be bad right now, but it'll be forgotten one day. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone let's their heart go soft for someone at some point."

"I got caught with our enemy, Elias."

He glanced away, clearly uncomfortable with the situation. "I can't expect you to understand or forgive me or to accept the limits of what I can and cannot say. The only thing I can do is give you as much of the truth as I can. It's what I owe you."

"So talk and shut your mouth if I rage at you because you deserve it."

Elias gripped his hands on his lap and nodded, stoic. "Lote was never going to allow you to be with Jaxon. It wasn't going to happen and you know that. Eventually, you would have gotten caught. You'd have been closer by then and it would hurt more."

"I honestly expected better excuses from you. You didn't even try to talk to me about my relationship with Jax. You could have told me this instead of having Lote show up while I was with him."

Elias nodded. "I have reasons, Ash. It needed to happen this way to protect you both."

"Wow. Really."

"Lote will never allow Jax anywhere near you again. I'll help you find a way to say your goodbyes. In the meantime, you need to go home and stay there."

I kicked my feet up and looked out the window, my chest feeling as heavy as if an elephant sat on it. "What hurts the most is that you can't even tell me the truth. When did we stop trusting each other?"

"It's not like that."

"I would have trusted you with anything."

"That's why you told me about Jax, then."

I chewed my cheek at that. "I didn't see a reason to hurt you. I can have a private love life."

"I don't see a reason to hurt you more than you already are. I'm trying to fix something and make sure that you don't end up in a worse situation than this."

"Elias…" The tears came without permission and I didn't try to stop them. I just gave in, ready to quit. "I will never forget this."

"I know." The resignation of his voice made me turn to look at him. Why would he do this to us? He hadn't just hurt me but himself. He wanted to repair our relationship, not burn it to the ground. "You have to let him go, though. At least while things are the way they are. You will both be safe. That has to be enough for now."

"What are you holding back from me?"

"Don't try to make me tell you. I will once it's safe."

"I don't need you to protect me."

He grabbed my hand this time fast enough that I didn't have time to think better of it and push him away again. Looking deeply into my eyes, he pleaded with me. "I cannot lose you to this."

My words were choked in my tight throat.

"If you've ever trusted me at all, then trust me now. I hurt you and I will live with that forever. But I'm doing something important and I can't stop now. I can't. When this is over, you'll be okay, and maybe you can find him again."

"You think this is just about him?" A sob swelled in my throat. "You're my best friend. You're my world. You left me."

Elias drew his shoulders back, his eyes looking hollowed out. I didn't even recognize him.

"What happened to you?"

He released my hand, looking resolute. "I'm going to make things right."

"You think I can't forgive you for this but I can. I can forgive you for just about anything, Elias. You know what I won't forgive you for? Shutting me out and getting yourself killed without giving me the chance to help you."

"Do you know how many nights I waited up wondering if you'd make it home?"

I couldn't answer. Couldn't even imagine. "You never said anything."

"It's always been you defending the valley, upholding the honor of our guild, fighting day in and out. I've never been able to save you from your pain. I've only banaged your wounds. So let me for once in our life be the one to fight. I don't expect your forgiveness or understanding about what I did. I just want you to let me be the one to fight for once."

"We can do it together."

"No. We can't. Trust me."

"What does that mean?"

Elias settled back against his seat, gaze on the window. "I told Lote that Jax was planning to infiltrate our guild through his relationships with our warriors. This time battling has been the perfect opportunity to for him to earn everyone's trust."

"That's not true."

"It doesn't matter. Lote is paranoid. He doesn't even need evidence. The mere suggestion is enough that he will never allow Jax to show his face near any of us again. He'll be working on getting him moved away from all of our people."

Stolen novel; please report.

"Why would you do that? Jax actually wants to help us find peace. He's willing to put his life on the line for it. He's the reason I softened my heart to it in the first place."

Elias's voice sounded monotoned. "The further Jax is from our guild and anyone in it, the safer he will be. He was going to get himself killed. Get you killed."

"By who?"

He breathed out slowly and he never answered.

"I want my Elias back."

"Me too, Ash."

In that moment, I wanted to hate him, because he'd derailed everything. None of this would have happened if he hadn't sent Lote to me and lied to him about Jax. What Elias and I had was stronger than even hate, though. He had meant so much to me for so long and I'd believed in him so deeply that I couldn't hate him, even now. In fact, I was afraid for him.

It felt like I was peeling my own skin off because of how badly it hurt, but I reached across the seat and I slid my hand over his.

We sat that way for a long while before I spoke one final time.

"Don't let our past destroy you. There's nothing you need to prove or fix."

But I didn't think he was capable of actually hearing me.

I'd thought that our rival guild would be the ones to get close to us and use us. Never had it occurred to me that it would be my people. That it would be Elias.

Even though I couldn't stand to suspect it, I wondered if he'd done this for another reason. Perhaps it had hurt too badly to see Jax and me together.

I should never have brought this pain upon any of us. Now, Jax would only suffer.

After Elias left, I didn't reach out to him, and he didn't reach out to me for months. I hadn't been able to see Jax again, but I had written to him, telling him I was sorry, and that we couldn't see each other again. It had felt like a slap in the face to send it to him, but it was better than saying nothing.

I hadn't thought that I would ever come to forgive Elias for what he did to me and Jax. Afterall, the two of them had become somewhat of friends. Whenever Elias would visit me, he would stay up late talking with Jax. So it was a betrayal of us both.

With time, I came to see that I'd been foolish to think anything could come of Jax and me having a relationship or trying to push the guilds to have peace. Lote would have always believed that Jax was a spy, so we would have had to hide, and that wouldn't have lasted long. Worse, though, after reexamining my conversations with Jax, I'd realized that the peace plan wasn't as peaceful as it seemed. He'd never come out and say that uniting might require a war or a disillusionment of our current guild structures, but he had implied it.

And then through our spies, Lote uncovered that Jax had been involved in assassination plots on our leadership, not only in the past, but after returning from the war. He'd asked me to rekindle my relationship with Jax in order to infiltrate his inner circle.

If it hadn't been clear to me before, it was then. Jax and I never had never had any kind of future together. Our guilds would have used us and one of us would have would up dead. Maybe both of us.

Months passed before I allowed Elias back into my life. We met for tea in his apartment to try and find a way past everything that had happened.

"What happened to us?" I asked.

Elias's eyes brimmed with sorrow. "I got greedy. I thought we could be more. And now there's too much between us for us to ever go back."

"We were more."

"We shouldn't have been. It's not what you wanted. You convinced yourself that since you loved me so much as your best friend that you could love me even more if we were together. I let you delude yourself because I wanted it so badly. Look at us now."

I bit my lip, not wanting to say anything that would hurt him, but also unable to hide the truth when we knew so much about each other. "That's not why we're like this."

"You said you forgive me."

"Forgive and trust aren't the same thing."

"You don't trust me? You really don't?"

I shrugged. "I guess it's not that. I'm hurt is all. I'm not angry. Just hurt. You did the right thing. You saw that I became blinded and I put myself and Jax in danger. His guild would have killed me and ours would have killed him. I don't blame you."

"But I didn't tell you."

"If you had–"

"Still."

Pain hardened like a knot in my throat. "I don't want it to be like this. Tell me how to pull through it. Tell me." Reaching for him, I hesitated, seeing the hurt and want mingling in his eyes, and then I slid my hand over his cheek despite that I'd thought better of it. Could I do it? I'd made myself love him once before. Could I do it again? I cared so deeply for him.

He caught my hand, voice thick. "Ash–"

"If I fight hard enough, I can make it go away. We could go back to how we were."

"We were done before you met him. We'd been done."

"And we were okay. We were friends."

From the look in his eye, I realized what I said may not have been right. I drew back but he caught my hand, keeping me from going too far.

"Weren't we?"

"We were friends, but do you really think we were okay?"

My voice tightened. "I was. I guess I missed it. I missed that you weren't."

"Maybe I also thought if I fought it hard enough I could make it go away."

"I want to turn back time before we were together. I want my friend back."

"Not me." The smile looked wistful. His thumb rubbed the back of my hand and then he released me. "I would give do it for you, but for me? No matter what I've lost, loving you was worth it. I would never want to live a life without knowing how it was to hold you as you slept or to be the one who could dry your tears."

"Elias–"

"Ash, you aren't responsible for how I feel. We entered into a relationship and we both played a part in it falling apart. You have to let go of your guilt for not being in love with me."

"I do love you, Eli. I'll always love you."

"You love me the way you love a childhood friend. You love with the confused love of a woman who gave herself to a man she realized she never actually wanted. You don't love me the way you love him."

It felt like he'd hit me with a jolt of power. I had never said that I loved him. Hadn't even thought it. Did I need to, though? What could this be other than love? What else could haunt me for more than a year and make my heart ache so horribly? What else could feel as gripping as real power, simply from the sight of him, from the brush of his skin. This was love. Not the kind that I shared with Elias. Maybe not even as deep yet, because it had never gotten to grow. But I did love Jax. I had loved him for a long time. It'd started as a spark in battle and grown into a fire I could never put out. Those embers burned stubbornly.

"Don't tell me you don't think you love him," Elias said.

I looked away, unable to think of anything I could possibly say in response.

"I didn't break you two up because I'm jealous. Yes, I am jealous. Yes, I am heartbroken. Yes, I wish you loved me the way you loved him." His voice softened, so gentle. "I'd burn with those feelings a thousand times over if it meant that you were happy and loved. You have to know that's true, because you'd feel it for him."

I swallowed hard. "Eli, I'm sorry."

"Stop it. Don't be sorry. I've done all of this to fix things for you so you don't have to feel this way anymore. I want to make a way for you to have everything you want."

"You can't try to fix it. It isn't fair to you."

"It's my job to fix what I broke. You didn't have the chance to figure things out for yourself because I got in the middle of it."

I wanted to take his hand in mine like we used to and comfort him. "I should never have even thought to ask you."

"I don't feel that way. It's fair for you to ask."

"Because you think I can do no wrong. Even when you see my faults or disagree with me, you somehow find me blameless of my own wrongdoings."

He didn't respond at first. And then he smiled. "I want to let you go, Ash. It's what you want and it's the only way for me to move forward with my life. If I do this, I can let go. I can figure out what life looks like when I'm just me. And not the two of us."

"Why can't I make it work, Eli?"

It wasn't fair to ask him. It just felt like somehow he'd always known when I was so clueless.

"Because I asked for more than you could give. You would have given me forever. You would have committed and honored me. I wanted you to love me the way you love him, though. And it's okay that you don't."

Tears slid onto my cheeks. I had to hide the tremble in my voice, but he knew me too well, and he'd hear it. "We make so much sense. Jax and I, we don't."

"Funny how things work." He wiped my cheek with his knuckles, hesitating, savoring the touch. "I'll make this right. You have to trust me. You're going to get annoyed and question me, but in the end, trust me."

"It's already been made right. Jax and I shouldn't be together."

He looked down, jaw clenched. "What I did was wrong."

"You did it for our guild, which means you did it for me."

"If there's anything I could undo, it would be that. Not our time together or that. I've accepted that. I cannot accept how I made it impossible for you to look at me."

I bit my lip. "It's not because of what you did. It's because of what I did. I let that man get into my heart. How could I do that?"

"He's not a bad man, Ash."

"He would kill our leaders in a heartbeat if given the chance. Thanks to you, I know that."

"Wouldn't you do the same?"

"Hell yes."

"So how can you blame him?"

"Whose side are you on?"

Elias laughed. "Our guilds are the same, Ashton. How can you not see that? We choose ours because it's ours, not because it's better or right. They do the same. If we could learn to co-exist then we wouldn't have this issue. Jaxon realized we'd need one final war to get us to that point. Still, he isn't the problem. You aren't the problem. It's the pointlessness of this blood feud."

"I don't know how you can say that. The Silver Moon are the reason your parents are dead." My voice chilled until it turned to ice. "They stole everything from us."

"What did we do to them?"

"What the hell is going on with you?"

"It's not like I want you to be with the guy. Don't get me wrong. It's just that I have to be truthful. There's nothing wrong with him or what he's doing. He's us on the other side."

"He betrayed me."

"You betrayed him."

"We betrayed each other."

"Because of this blood feud. Because of your allegiance. This is why you two are fit for each other and we never worked out. You are so passionate and steadfast in your war."

I tilted my head at him, struggling to recognize this man as my Elias. "You are too."

"No. No, apparently I'm not. I don't think we're anything special. In fact, I'm afraid we might be the worst ones out there."

"Elias."

"It's true."

"Did something happen?"

He smiled sadly. "We'll talk more later. I've been having a hard time, that's all."