***Help Message***
Buttercup, this is important. Read your notifications.
***Help Message***
Seriously, this is not a drill.
I've got all sorts of people with important-sounding jobs wondering where all these error messages are coming from. Please stop what you're doing right now while I figure out what's going on.
***Help Message***
I'm not joking, chick. Stop fucking around with that piece of leather. Every time you so much as touch it, your Leatherworking Skill levels up, and another error message pings through.
***Help Message***
Is this thing on?
***Help Message***
Look, I know you're pissed off at me, apple pie, but it's pretty fucking stupid to mute your System Guide.
I can tell you any number of important and valuable things at any one time, which could be catastrophic—not to say lethal—for you to miss.
Not least the fact that I think there's something iteration-breaking going on right now.
Read. Your. Messages.
***Urgent Help Message***
Seriously, I mean this now!
Could you possibly read what I'm putting out there?
I've narrowed it all down, and I'm really not sure about the likely outcome from you starting to make armour whilst under the auspices of
The upshot is that you're gaining Levels in Leatherworking at a ridiculous speed. And at the rate you're going, this chest piece is going to end up as a fucking Legendary piece of gear.
And that shouldn't be possible on Day Two of an integration. Like, seriously, you shouldn't even have a profession yet. The idea you can make a Masterwork using a chef's knife and some fishing wire, using a picnic bench as a worktable, is fucking ridiculous.
If it weren't such a massive problem, I'd be laughing. And it's not even like it's Fortuna fucking around this time, either! It's just an enormous shitstorm, and I'm the one holding a leaky umbrella.
Babes, I don't know what will happen if you finish making this thing.
And if you take a moment to think about exactly who is telling you this, you might want to reflect on what a fucking massive deal me not knowing something actually is.
Read the damned message!
***Urgent Flashing Vital Help Message***
Awesome.
So, you're actually so colossally stupid that you're not even tempted to glance at your notifications now? Just as an FYI, when the box is glowing red and pulsing with skulls on either side, it might be a good idea to . . . I don't know . . . fucking read it!
Thirty-two million people left alive in the U.K., and I'm trying to communicate with the only one of you fuckers that doesn't have some sort of epic compulsion to check their messages every second. Aren't just Gen Xs supposed to be addicted to their fucking phone or something? My contacting you is not spam from a dodgy Nigerian prince.
Read and answer your fucking messages!
This is serious; if we're not careful, then Regional System Administration will step in and take a gander at what's happening.
The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.
There's so much fucking shit going on around you that they could choose to do anything - including wiping the whole integration off as a bad lot. I've been online for two days - I'd like not to go down in history as the fastest A.I. wipe in galactic history!
Answer the notification!
***Seriously, sweet cheeks, what the fuck?!***
Okay, I'm not joking.
I need you to stop what you're doing.
I don't know how, but there's some sort of an epic co-morbidity issue happening between
It's not just the insane Levelling affecting you now. The Chameleon Courtesan you nicked the Skill from is having some sort of feedback and is Levelling up, too: should she as much as show a bit of side-boob, she's going to be pretty much invincible.
We're talking 'laugh off a lightning bolt from a god' strong.
Unless you want the first Avatar on your planet to be an average stripper with little rhythm, you need to get with the program. Trust me, that's the sort of thing a world is going to find hard to laugh off.
System Admin is talking about stepping in and personally nerfing things if I don't get on top of things.
But I can't hot-patch the issues this is causing fast enough to make any headway.
I need a beat to figure it out, but I can't do that with all these error messages spiralling out everywhere.
A lot is going on elsewhere at the moment, and I can't spare the resources for your particular backwater of Nofuckingwhereville to handle this.
Just stop for a second. Please. . .
***Third Stage of Grief message***
Fuck's sake!
Okay, look, just stop what you're doing, and I'll give you a free Skill. Anything off the peg. Anything at all. I'll even adapt one for you if you like. Anything at all.
Please! Something crap's going to happen if you don't stop making that fucking armour!
***System Alert***
Player Norton
This is Regional System Administration.
We have identified unusual activity on this account, which has now been flagged for our attention.
You are currently crafting a piece of Medium Leather Armour through Leatherworking earned via
You began doing so with
As you are undoubtedly aware, no Class with access to
We are, therefore, experiencing several unintended consequences right now, and your player experience may be temporarily affected while they are addressed.
Please halt your crafting and acknowledge receipt of this message.
With Cosmic Regards,
[Your Regional System Administrator - Milky Way Branch]
***Fuck You Very Much***
Awesome.
Cheers.
Thanks for that. After everything I've done for you, and you draw System Admin's attention on me. And not just that, you then fucking ghost them when they actually do something reasonable for once.
Brilliant.
Hope nothing horrible happens to you when you sleep. Apparently, the average human consumes eight spiders a year when snoring. It would be terrible if all of that occurred in one night, wouldn't it?
Sleep well, bitch!
***System Alert v2***
Player Norton
This is Regional System Administration.
We note you have not accessed our last message.
You have continued to craft Medium Armour that was begun with
Due to the unexpected interplay of
This appears to be an explicit exploit.
Your Leatherworking has been reset to zero.
Player Andrews, who was also gaining a significant advantage due to her connection to your exploit, has had the level of her
However, despite the clear advantages you have gained via this exploit, we do not find you intentionally sought to bypass System Administration oversight in this matter. After due consideration, we will thus allow you to keep the outcome of the crafting - but it will be downgraded to Rare.
Beyond this incident, we have identified a number of other unusual activities associated with your recent experience during this integration.
Integration Control will review these.
Your access to Guide will be temporarily restricted whilst this review takes place.
Please continue to enjoy the System, where your destiny is forged in the stars.
With Cosmic Regards,
[Your Regional System Administrator - Milky Way Branch]
Lorelei read through the flurry of notifications, the bottom of her stomach dropping out as they progressed. She had been so engrossed in what she had been doing that she hadn't noticed that the level of communication was much more than her Guide usually threw at her.
And to be honest, it was right when it said she had been ignoring it. There was only so much snark that she wanted to be dealing with. However, that didn't look like such a wise decision right now.
"Guide?"
Nothing. The ticker tape of her notifications did not move at all, which was quite a disorienting experience. None of the other functions of her Guide seemed to be working either—she couldn't check her Map, her Bank, or her Inventory, which was also locked.
Shit, she thought. That couldn't be good.
And she didn't like the sound of Integration Control looking into things, either. From everything she had been able to put together about her Class and her patron God, there had been quite a bit of fast and loose rule playing around her.
Hild reached the door back into the pub and turned, beckoning for Lorelei to follow. "Are you coming?"
Lorelei grimaced, noting that the armour - which had caused all of this trouble - looked pretty good on the tall Valkyrie.
"Coming where?"
"Chrissy will have her Skill back now, right? There is nothing to stop us from setting out now. Zorrobar doesn't need what you took, and we've got some time before you steal another Skill, right? We can make some headway towards our quest. Maybe find some gear for Pete."
Of course, the journey to the cathedral.
Lorelei stood up and dusted herself down, little pieces of leather and wire falling to the floor. She had a horrible feeling that not having access to the System Guide for the foreseeable future would make things somewhat more complex.
Had Lorelei glanced down to the end of the beer garden, she would have seen the frowning face of a beautiful teenage girl - holding a spindle and thread - who would have, very much, been able to agree with that sentiment.