“Go on then,” Lorelei said, bracing herself for whatever shitty deal her Guide was about to offer her.

***Why So Serious Message***

Don’t make me regret this little olive branch, babydoll . . .

“Okay. Fine. Sorry. The whole ‘near-death, impending doom experience’ thing is putting me a touch on edge,” Lorelei said, wincing as Pete took a full-on punch from the Golem in the face. The old tank’s eyes rolled back in his head, and he fell to the floor like a sack of the proverbial. Hild circled around to cover him, but he wasn’t moving at all. And Kris was focusing on Chrissy.

***Help Message***

Funny you should mention ‘experience’. You see, I’ve been running the numbers, and I reckon you’re within touching distance of Level 14.

“So?” Lorelei watched as Ent took a direct hit from the flailing Golem and exploded into a spray of rotting tree shards that utterly shredded Hild’s left-hand side. The Valkyrie screamed and activated her own healing Skill, but the soft golden glow barely touched the extent of the damage. At the same time, Steffan dropped down on both knees, clutching his head; however, after a beat, he raised a hand to begin reconstituting his summons. As he did so, finger-length strips of wood ripped clear from Hild’s half-healed wounds, and she screamed again as they returned to a back-in-the-fight Ent. “So?” Lorelei repeated, more urgency in her voice. Things were about as bad as she could imagine them getting down there.

***So, She Says Message***

So, goldenarse, what happens when you move up a level?

“I get stronger?”

***Fuck Me This Is Hard Work Message***

Yes, you get stronger. And what happens to your health and your mana . . .

“It’s full again? I don't see how that is going to be . . . Hang on. Does levelling up also remove debuffs? Does moving up to a new level reset everything?”

***Hallelujah Message***

I’ll say this for you, munchkin. You might not be the sharpest tool in the box, but wiggle you around enough and lube the whole thing up sufficiently, and you can still get the job done, eh?

Lorelei let that one slide. “So, I will lose the Chance’s Gambit debuff by moving into Level 14? Awesome. And that’ll give me all my Skills back? About fucking time!” There was a pause. “Okay. Sold. And how do I make that happen right now?”

***More Lube Incoming Message***

Horses. Water. Drinking. Fucking hell. Look, I normally would leave you hanging here, but I feel I’ve extricated as much joy as I can out of the whole ‘making you stupidly heavy/ making it sound like you’re running an Only Fans’ thing as I’m going to get. Also, I’m finding that fucking Charm Leach fundamentally objectionable: there’s only one being around here that I’m comfortable with fucking with people’s minds, and he absolutely isn’t it. So what I’m going to do is point out that each of those snake statues that spit fire gives 88 XP, and everyone else in your team is just out of the active range to steal a share of that. Should you - I don’t know - go and hit it with a big fucking stick, then you'll be sorted for hitting the Big One Four.

Lorelei ran.

She could feel the cold sweat slicking her skin, mingling with the blood that trickled from countless small cuts. Kris hadn't been too careful about keeping her healed up. Funny that, eh? The sound of metal grinding and traps resetting echoed around her as she scampered along, but it was the cries of her team that haunted each of her steps. The booming crash of the Golem’s fists pounding into the ground reverberated in her bones, and each blow seemed to bring another wave of pain from her friends. Pete was down—he might be dead—but she couldn’t help. Not yet. She was nearly back to the snake statues now, waves of searing heat rolling towards her, making her bite down a scream as arcing flames and bursts of electricity from above scorched her legs. Without either of the tanks around to shield her, she was utterly exposed to everything the course had to throw at her.

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

Lorelei's lungs - as well as the rest of her - burned as she sprinted back up the course, each of the traps roaring to life around her and taking a chunk as she went passed. She stumbled, catching her foot on the jagged edge of a platform, and a lance of pain shot up her ankle accompanied with a rather ominous crack. She cursed, barely able to drag herself upright. Her body screamed at her to stop, to lie down, to let the inevitable death that was waiting for her catch up . . .

***Suck it up, buttercup!***

The message scrolling across her vision, not to mention the distant cries of her team—her friends—being crushed under the weight of the Golem’s relentless assault drove her onwards. Limping, dragging her leg, she looked back down the course and thought she could make out Steffan yelling, a strange mixture of fury and agony as his summons were obliterated one by one. Every time they shattered, it sounded like a piece of him went with them: she could almost taste the desperation in the air. And Zorrobar . . . Even from all this way, she could hear his ragged breathing over the din, the sound of his spellcasting growing weaker and weaker as his health neared zero. Any second now, she knew, he would collapse. Then thre would be no more fireballs and no one left to hold off the frost traps. Nothing but silence. Even more than the fucking Golem, that would be the thing to finally finish the group off. And then there was Hild’s voice rising again in a hoarse, guttural scream. Lorelei imagined what had caused that sound—a giant stone fist slamming down, and Hild, that colossal bitch, taking the full force of it. Her strength, her resilience—it wouldn’t be enough. Not this time.

They were dying. One by one. Her friends. And there she was, running the opposite way, chasing something so selfish, so desperately her own, she almost hated herself for it.

But it was the only way. She couldn’t help them—not like this. She couldn’t even heal herself. Not with all these debuffs dragging her down, not with the weight of Chance’s Gambit chaining her powers away to nothing. She needed that XP. Needed the boost from that level-up. It was the only thing that would get her back in the fight . . Back down the course she could hear Kris yelling something—a command, a plea—but she shut it out. His voice was too smooth, too certain. Even here, in the chaos, he sounded like a leader, and the others were following him. But not her. Not this time.

Then snake statues came into view, their twisted stone mouths agape, ready to spew another torrent of flame. One of those statues was going down. It had to. Lorelei’s broken leg wobbled as she approached them, but she pushed past the pain even as the first fireburst caught her off-guard, hitting her square in the side. The blast sent her sprawling, and she landed hard on the uneven floor, gasping for breath. Her skin burned. Her health bar dropped again, dangerously low.

***Help Message***

Sorry, was I not clear, cupcake? Maybe all the sexual badinage confused you. You’re supposed to be destroying one of these fucking things, not letting it bend you over the counter!

Lorelei checked her numbers: she was one more glancing blow from zeroing out.

The cries behind her grew fainter. Or maybe her mind was starting to block them out. Pete was silent. Zorrobar was silent. Even Hild’s screams had stopped. And she knew - she knew - they didn’t have much time. With a grunt, Lorelei forced herself to her feet. Her foot. The statue loomed over her, hissing, mocking her with its fang-filled grin. Another wave of fire was building in its stone throat. She could see it, feel it, the way the air melted away just before it was going to blast her again . . .

Not. Today. Satan.

She staggered forward, hands barely raised, arms shaking with exhaustion. The pain in her chest was a dull, throbbing ache now, but the desperation was sharper than ever. It kept her moving, even when her body screamed at her to stop. “Come on, you bastard!” she shouted.

Then the flame burst exploded from the statue, and she ducked—just barely—feeling the heat singe the ends of her hair as it blasted overhead. The statue reared back, preparing to fire again. This was her chance. It was now or never. Lorelei’s vision darkened at the edges, her body slowing as though she were wading through thick mud. The weight of the debuffs pulled at her and dragged her down, but her resolve burned hotter than any fire. Lorelei pulled on the snake’s tongue, it fell towards her, toppling towards the ground. The stone cracked on impact with a deafening boom, the sound echoing through the course. For a moment, the world seemed to freeze. The fire inside the statue died out, the light fading from its eyes as it crumbled before her. She had done it. She had destroyed it.

And then she was hit by a ton of notifications and everything went dark.

Her knees buckled as the last of her HP drained away. She was zeroed out, falling forward into nothingness. But as she collapsed, the golden glow of the level-up surged through her, wrapping her in a light so warm and brilliant that it almost felt like an embrace.

You know, it’s timing like that which makes people fucking hate Fortuna