"Hello, dearie. Welcome to Pandora's box. Is there anything I can help you with today?"
Lorelei was somewhat comforted that, regardless of what else had happened to the world since the integration, some things in life had stayed constant. For example, the shop assistant in Pandora was instantly, aggravatingly pushy the moment anyone stepped through the door.
"Just looking for the moment," she said in reflex.
Behind the counter, the small, green woman smiled widely back and beckoned Lorelei over. "Browse all you like. But I think I have exactly what you are looking for here!"
Curious, Lorelei walked to the glass-fronted counter, which was filled with all manner of charms, bracelets, earrings, and rings. Glancing around, she could see that the walls of the small store were lined with identical cabinets, floor-to-ceiling, all equally chockful. The whole place was crammed with shiny merchandise, but it was actually beyond the point of being merely cluttered. Lorelei couldn't imagine buying anything from the shelves and cabinets without causing a significant Jenga-style incident.
*** Help Message ***
Everyone is a fucking critic! Look, the only stuff that's actually for sale is at the front of the shop. You know? Where the shopkeeper is stood, beckoning towards you. Hard to follow the social cues, I know, but do your best.
The rest of the store is just wallpaper, at the moment. We'll get around to fleshing out the depth of the interactive experience once you fuckers stop murdering each other. It's been a day.
Lorelei had a moment when she really, really wanted to pick at that scab, but then she remembered she was currently hiding out from murderhobos, so it seemed sensible that she let this one slide. You didn't need to swing at every pitch.
Moving her attention back to the dimly lit end of the shop - someone had been watching the opening moments of Gremlins for inspiration, hadn't they? - it appeared that business must have been very slow that day. Despite the crowds outside, Lorelei was the only customer in the shop.
Reaching the front of the store, she reluctantly shook the assistant's offered hand. As well as being green, the woman's skin had the texture of boiled leather. It wasn't quite like she was in the presence of a very well-dressed and put-together Kermit, but neither was it too far away.
***Help Message***
Standard Goblin Merchant. No, I'm still not reading your mind. For clarity, she has very little actual sentience beyond what's required for her function within this store. So, there's no point trying to banter with her. Also, she's highly unlikely to fuck you. Trust me, I'd rather not have to add that disclaimer, but a lot of you guys seem to be having difficulty reacting appropriately to the NPCs.
"NPCs?"
*** Help Message ***
For fuck's sake, are we back in remedial mode? Non-Player Character. Gertrude here's to operate as a function of the integration. You know, the things I honestly cannot be arsed with. Judging by how poorly her 'shop' is performing, though, she's pretty unlikely to make it through to Day 2. So, you know, make the girl's day.
There was a pause
*** Clarity Message ***
But not, I should add, by jumping her bones. Under no circumstances are humans to boink the NPCs. Too many people have watched fucking Westworld on this damn planet.
"That's fine," Lorelei said, glancing at the small, elderly goblin. "I'm probably in the market for a rebound shag in the near future, but I'm happy to confirm I'll be sticking to those of my own species. Unless there are Elves. Are there elves?"
The silence from the Guide suggested that Lorelei was back on her own for a bit. Gertrude was looking up at her with a faraway expression in her eyes that suggested a question had been asked that had not been responded to.
"Sorry, what was that?"
Gertrude cocked her head to the other side like a confused bird. "I have just what you are looking for here!"
Three items appeared, as if by magic, on the top of the glass cabinet the Goblin Merchant was standing behind. Each was presented, rather attractively to Lorelei's mind, in a blue velvet gift box and shimmered with an inner glow. Lorelei leant forward to pick up the first of the items, with Gertrude making soft 'yes, yes, look at the precious!' vocalisations as she did so. As soon as she touched it, its full description rolled through her mind.
Amulet of Unfortunate Fortunes: This amulet glimmers with a strange, unpredictable light, making it a perfect fit for someone with luck-based abilities.
Item Type: Trinket
Required Level: 4
Class Compatibility: n/a
Weapon Type: n/a
* +2 Intellect
Special Ability: Grants the "Accidental Comedian" effect. Occasionally, its wearer's attempts at conversation are 'hilariously' misunderstood. Useless for combat, but great for breaking the ice and lightening the mood in tense situations.
Lorelei felt herself mentally go 'meh'. More Intellect was obviously a good thing, but wasn't 2 a little underwhelming in the grand scheme of things? And the 'buff' felt a little bit like the Guide was wilfully taking the piss. Carefully, she replaced it in its box - trying not to react to Gertrude's mewling sadness - and picked up the second option.
Ring of Questionable Taste: A gaudy ring that changes colour and style every hour, never matching any of its wearer's outfits.
Item Type: Trinket
Required Level: 4
Class Compatibility: n/a
Weapon Type: n/a
* +1 Agility
Special Ability: Grants the "Fashion Disaster" effect. The wearer's sense of fashion becomes highly unpredictable, causing her to inadvertently start new and bizarre fashion trends among NPCs and allies. Completely useless for battle but can create amusing social situations and unique interactions.
"No, thank you," Lorelei said, replacing the ring almost immediately. She was beginning to understand why Pandora's Box was doing virtually no trade in a packed building. Gertrude's swag was shite.
Having her expectations about as low as they could be, Lorelei removed two little earrings studded with diamonds from their blue box and held them upwards. As she did so, the Goblin Merchant's loud cooing became reminiscent of a Velociraptor's battle cry.
Earrings of the Lucky Gambler: A finely crafted pair of earrings with intricate engravings depicting various games of chance. They seem to hum with a subtle, powerful magic contained within their Sky Diamonds.
Item Type: Trinket
Required Level: 4
Class Compatibility: +3 Spirit
Weapon Type: n/a
* Increases Critical Strike chance by 2% and Haste by 1%.
Special Ability: A useful item that enhances the wearer's combat effectiveness, making luck-based skills more potent and actions quicker.
If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
Well, that all seemed like a bit of a no-brainer, Lorelei thought. Of the only three items Pandora's Box seemed to stock—and if she looked too carefully at the rest of the store, she could see where the same sections repeated again and again—the earrings were the only thing any good at all.
"How much?"
Gertrude regarded her with an almost orgasmic longing. "You would like to buy these, dearie?"
Lorelei nodded. "Yes, please. I don't see a price anywhere?"
"Four hundred gold!"
Call it her years working within the cut-throat corporate environment, but something about Gertrude's bugged-out eyes and expression of lascivious greed made Lorelei think that might not have been quite the Goblin Merchant's best offer. "How about -" Lorelei paused, looking around for anything that might give her a sense of how much things should cost in this brave new world - "thirty silver?"
Gertrude's head moved back and forth briefly, eyes glazed over as her lips moved. "What about sixty silver, and I throw in a free build consultation?"
*** Help Message ***
Look, cupcake, not for nothing, but that's not a horrible deal. The earrings are tacky as fuck, but oddly suit those fleshly shell-like things you have on the side of your face. Also, picking up a couple of Sky Diamonds at this stage of proceedings is pretty decent, too - they're a growth item, so they can usually be pulled out and slotted into new gear later on
Lorelei was so taken aback by the unexpected and helpful advice that she did not know what to say. She assumed the Guide was taking the piss in some way, but she couldn't see the angle. Willing to push her luck further, she asked what a 'free build consultation' was.
*** Help Message ***
Well, that's largely bullshit. But, at your Level - cusp of 5 - it's probably not a terrible idea to see what it says. If the integration had been a little less murdery, it would have been offered at the start of Day 2 as a minor Quest Reward. I can only imagine it's being given away free because most of the people who might benefit from it are already dead. It won't hurt to see what it says.
"Fair enough," Lorelei nodded encouragingly to Gertrude. "Sold. One pair of earrings and one build consultation, please."
There was a loud 'kerching', and Gertrude was immediately replaced by the literal embodiment of the collected spirits of every second-hand car salesman who had—hopefully—all met a violent end in the last few hours.
He was, presumably, called Wayne.
"Hello, love. Looking fierce in those earrings! I understand you're in the market for a quick consultation? Shall I get up under your hood and have a rummage around?" Lorelei might have felt more warmly disposed towards him if he'd sounded more helpful and less . . . rapey.
*** Help Message ***
Fuck's sake, just share your stats with him. He's even less here than a standard NPC, so don't worry about the patter. Think of him a bit like a Career Advisor.
Reflecting that she'd had the same response to her school's Career Advisor - maybe there was a type? - Lorelei followed the Guide's advice and pushed her stat sheet towards the man in the painfully shiny suit.
Lorelei Norton: Fortuna's Herald
Level 4
Experience 737/800
Health 275/275
Mana 240/240
Primary Stats
Strength 10
Agility 22 (+3 Gloves of the Seer, +10% Veil of Vindication)
Stamina 15 (+2 Cloak of the Wanderer)
Intellect 28 (+5 Gloves of the Seer, +2 Double Headed Coin of Fate)
Spirit 21 (5% from Vigilante title + 3 from Earrings of the Lucky Gambler)
Secondary Stats
Critical Strike 11.5% (2% from Whispering Gloves of the Seer + 1% from Double-Headed Coin of Fate + 2% from Earrings of the Lucky Gambler)
Haste 9.5% (+ 1% from Earrings of the Lucky Gambler)
Mastery 5.5%
Versatility 4.5%
Skills
Lucky Strike (Passive)- Sometimes you hit, sometimes you miss, sometimes you accidentally help the enemy. It's a surprise!
Coin Toss Conundrum (Active)- Flip a coin to decide your next move. Heads, you unleash a devastating attack; tails, you heal your enemy. Bonus points for dramatic mid-air coin flipping. Mana Cost: 50. Cooldown: 2 mins.
Random Resilience (Active)- You might shrug off a dragon's breath or trip over a pebble. Life's a lottery! Mana Cost: 100% of available pool. Cooldown: 24 hours.
Charmed Life (Active): You do seem to spend a lot of time getting hurt. Have a heal skill. But, to make it interesting, let's randomise how much healing it does. Oh, and just for shits and giggles, it will give you a random status effect for 2 mins. 30 MP cost. No cooldown.
The Old Swapperoonie (Active): Wah! Why is all my luck bad? Wah! For someone with a luck-based Class, you don't half moan a lot about random outcomes . . . Once per day, you can offload all the negative consequences of your abilities onto someone else. The timer does not reset if your poor patsy dies. 200 mana cost. 24 hours cooldown.
Inventory
Double-Headed Coin of Fate (Nerfed)
Cloak of the Wanderer (+ 2 Stamina)
Whispering Gloves of the Seer (+5 Intellect, +3, +2% Critical Strike)
Earrings of the Lucky Gambler: (+3 Spirit, Increases Critical Strike chance by 2%, and Haste by 1%)
Skinning Knife
2x[20 Leather Offcut]
8 [Charred Steak]
7 [Charred Steak - poisoned]. Poisoned status is hidden.
25 Gold. 27 Silver. 8 Bronze
Professions
Jack of All Trades
* Skinning - Lvl 23
* Cooking (Life in Your Own Hands) – Lvl 9
* Leatherworking – Lvl 1
* Campfire - Novice
Talents
Spoilsport: Increases the chance of a positive
Titles
Kobolds Worst Nightmare: 35% damage against Kobolds
One Cold Bitch: Frost Resistance: +10%
Vigilante: Spirit +5%
The second the ticker tape of stats stopped flowing through Lorelei's mind, the man facing her smiled and cleared his throat. He took up an odd little stance, feet more than shoulder width apart and gesticulated wildly as he spoke. It was all a bit disorientating.
“Ah, [Lorelei Norton], standing on the cusp of Level 5. Bravo, kid, bravo! Now, let’s kick the tires and take a little gander under the hood of your current build, shall we?
First off, let’s talk about what’s going right—your highlights, if you will. Numero Uno, that
Next up, let’s take a look at your Spirit stat. Now, I gotta hand it to you, you’ve done well here. With that Vigilante title and those [Earrings of the Lucky Gambler], your Spirit is as high as a balloon at a kid’s birthday party. You’re practically floating, and that’s no joke. Having this baby cranked up should make your spells pack a bit more punch, and that extra mana boost? Oh, that’s the icing on the cake. Nice work there, kiddo.
And last but not least, let’s chat about your Critical Hit Chances. Thanks to your fancy gloves, that double-headed coin of yours, and those snazzy earrings, you’ve got a Critical Strike chance that’s not too shabby at all. You might even hit something important once in a while. Not bad, not bad at all.
But—and here’s where we take a little detour down Criticism Avenue—there are some bumps in the road we need to address.
First up, you’re lagging behind the pros. No need to sugarcoat it, darling—you’re more of a charming underdog in this integration. And as much as everyone loves a good underdog story, let’s be real: this is a world full of turbo-charged hares, and you’re playing the tortoise. Problem is, in this situation, slow and steady doesn’t win the race. Slow and steady gets left in the dust, or worse—ends up as roadkill.
Secondly, we need to have a serious chat about your Health and Mana. I’m gonna be straight with you: you’re about as sturdy as a wet tissue in a hurricane, and your mana pool? Let’s just say you’ve got enough to keep you casting, providing your opponent takes a nice long coffee break between attacks. It’s a miracle you’ve made it this far without keeling over. I’m sure you’ll always have time to regen thoroughly in the heat of battle, right? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
And lastly, I’m afraid I gotta mention your fashion sense—or lack thereof. Look, darling, I get it—apocalypse and all that—but you really need to pick a vibe. Right now, it’s all a bit ‘thrown together in the dark’ meets ‘last chance clearance sale.’ You’ve got the potential, but you’re not exactly turning heads for the right reasons.
So, what’s my advice for you moving forward? Well, let me drop some real gems on you here, sweetheart.
And here, an odd tone came into Wayne's voice, as if someone - a female someone, perhaps - was adding their own voice to things. Embrace the chaos, my dear Lorelei. Lean into your randomness and let the dice roll. You’re a delightful mix of potential and unpredictability, and that’s your secret weapon. With more experience (and maybe some gear that doesn’t look like it was salvaged from a dumpster fire), you’ll be surprising everyone—including yourself. And remember, every underdog story needs a few good plot twists, so don’t shy away from taking those risks. Keep pushing forward, because the only way out of this mess is straight through it. You’ve got the grit, now let’s see the glory.
With that, the second-hand car salesman—a slick grin still plastered on his face—dissolved into a puddle on the floor of Pandora’s Box, leaving Lorelei standing all alone.