Lorelei stood on the starting line underneath a banner that read, 'Welcome to Total Wipeout! - this is not a metaphor. She crossed and recrossed her arms, lips pressed into a thin line of frustration. In front of her, the rest of the party stood in varying states of worry or outright, full-blown panic. And rightly so. Before them stretched a towering obstacle course filled with twisting metal objects, floating platforms, and rotating spike-covered wheels, which seemed less like a well-designed challenge and more like the lesser-known Mortal Kombat level of Super Mario.

The clock was already ticking down, the giant hourglass by the gate reminding them that time—and almost certainly their lives—was running out. But even with this impending doom, Lorelei couldn’t voice a single instruction. Considering the moans that came out whenever she tried to speak, her mouth might as well have been welded shut.

***Help Message***

Don’t worry, babes. I've run the numbers, and there’s only an 83% chance of immediate death upon taking one step forward. Your odds are practically screaming ‘success!’

Lorelei glared at nothing in particular, wishing she could throttle her Guide—or, better yet, whoever designed this infernal obstacle course.

“Ah reckon it’s ganna be a laugh, this. Right up me alley. Loved this sort of thing at school. ” Pete grunted from her left, cracking his knuckles. The old tank grinned, his face full of glee, and the enthusiasm in his voice was unmistakable. She wasn’t sure if he was mad or just terribly - fatally - optimistic. To be honest, she didn't think it would matter.

Hild was decidedly less enthused. “I don't know. This looks . . . dangerous,” she said, her voice all Valhalla pragmatism. "Are we really sure we can do it? I mean, it's for Level 20s . . ."

"It will be fine," Kris said smoothly, and Lorelei was sure she felt some weird tug at her mind with his words. "We've got you two to tank the damage, and I've got my best heals trained on you. What's the worst that can happen?"

Lorelei had a brief moment where her fear receded, but then she shook her head, and the full horror of the deathtrap ahead of them reasserted itself. Why the fuck was everyone else looking like this was going to go okay? Hild even started to hum a jaunty little Germanic number.

“Sing us one now, lass!” Pete barked a laugh, nudging the Valkyrie with his elbow, nearly toppling her over.

To their credit, Lorelei thought the rest of the group was much less jovial than the tanks. Michael and Michelle stood in perfect, eerie synchronicity, surveying the course with blank expressions. Their movements mirrored each other as if one shadow was leading the other. It was unsettling how in tune they were, and - Lorelei realised with no little shock - it actually was becoming difficult to tell the two apart.

“We don’t like this,” they said. "There's no way some of you are going to be fast enough to get through."

“None taken,” Zorrobar muttered from the back. The mage was sweating buckets despite the fact that the course hadn't even started.

Steffan obviously wasn’t feeling much more confident, fidgeting nervously as he tried to prod Ent into some semblance of obedience. The creature creaked in protest, barely fitting behind them, roots twisting awkwardly around the start line. “Come on, mate, just don’t smash anything important,” he mumbled.

Kris, however, their oh-so-charismatic Healer, was practically bouncing on his toes, a smug smile plastered on his face. Lorelei could tell his Charm Leech powers were running at full tilt, the others’ refound Adoration for him almost sickening. Lorelei could practically see it—how their gazes softened just slightly whenever they looked at him. How had he managed to win them back over? If anything, the whole reason why they were going to have to make this suicidal run was because of him. And who the fuck was whispering in his mind?

As if sensing her suspicious regard, Kris leaned over to her, flashing his teeth in what he probably thought was a winning smile. “Don't worry, Lorelei. I’ve got enough charm to keep this whole team alive. We’ll coast through.” And he winked. Winked! Lorelei again felt a little pressure on her mind with that gesture. An insidious voice suggesting she was being too hard on him. That he'd always come through in a pinch. That maybe, just maybe, with this wonderful Healer on their side, they might just make it through . . .

And then she remembered he wasn't actually a Healer and really, really, REALLY was not to be trusted. Kris frowned as Lorelei's renewed distaste for him blossomed on his face, and he stepped away, moving up to Chrissy and putting a reassuring hand on the small of her back.

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***Help Message***

In case you are wondering, he’s definitely going to try and get you killed in here. How's your luck feeling, pretty butterfly?

Lorelei clenched her fists and did her best not to scream in frustration. The last thing she needed was to have another ‘ecstasy incident’ in front of the rest of the team. She was already having a credibility issue.

"Ready . . . set . . . GO!"

Without warning, the voice of James Earl Jones boomed out, and the gates before them flew open. And with that, the course sprang to life. Well, 'to death' might seem a little more appropriate. Platforms started shifting, walls slid in and out of existence, and glowing portals opened up in random places—some belching fire, others spewing what looked like . . . custard?

Ent immediately slammed one of his massive roots down, taking a step forward into the obstacle course; the resulting tremor sent everyone stumbling. In response to the pressure of its step, a portal manifested directly above it. Things would have gone pretty badly for a non-wood-based lifeform as a bubble shot out of the flowing circle, enveloping Ent and filling up with water.

“Careful!” Zorrobar said, throwing a fireball out of pure reflex. It hit the glowing portals, which swallowed it whole before spitting it back out at twice the speed, hitting Ent's bubble, bursting it, and vapourising the water.

Kris chuckled - he 'chuckled', Lorelei, thought. Did he not just see what happened? - “Nice aim, Zorro! You’ve really got a handle on that fire of yours, don’t you, you fat fuck?” His voice dripped with sarcasm, but somehow, the others barely seemed to notice. It was like he had just remarked on the weather.

“Reet, ‘ere we gan!” Pete charged forward, his massive shield held aloft, barging straight through the first row of traps. Poison darts bounced off his shield, while spikes shot up from the ground beneath his feet, only to be swatted aside by a gleeful axe-wielding Hild.

The Valkyrie laughed as she cut through the swinging blades in their path like they were nothing. “This isn’t so bad!”

Behind them, Lorelei felt her eye twitch. This was insane. No, this was beyond insane. They were going to get themselves killed, and all she could do was stand here, tongue-tied, watching them stumble their way through it.

***Help Message***

Look on the bright side, loveaduck. Once they're all dead, at least you won’t have to deal with Kris anymore. Unless, of course, you two are the only ones that make it through.

There was a pause.

Hmmm. Just so you know, I do wonder whether this might be his plan. You probably don't want to be left alone in a party with a Charm Leech when none of your Skills are working. So, yeah. Might be good to do something about that.

A sudden yelp from Michael—or was it Michelle?—made Lorelei snap her attention back to her team's progress through the initial stages of the assault course. One of the siblings had stumbled into a trapdoor, and in an instant, they were gone. The other one gasped, freezing for the first time as their synchrony shattered.

“Michael!” Michelle screamed, racing toward the spot where her brother had vanished.

The rest of the group gathered around the hole, peering down at Michael. Kris was the only one who didn't react in horror, grinning as he surveyed the limp form at the bottom of the dark well. A simple flick of his wrist wasn’t going to be enough this time, but he had a far better idea. His eyes darted to Chrissy, who was adjusting the straps of her very minimal outfit, seemingly unfazed by the death and destruction all around them.

"Chrissy," Kris called, his voice smooth as butter. "Be a darling and jump in there, will you?"

Lorelei let out a scream of joy and pushed forward, shaking her head.

"Don't worry, L. Her skin’s invincible, and I’d rather not ruin my robes with all that blood." He gave the Courtesan Chameleon a wink, confident his charm would do the rest.

Without hesitation—because, Lorelei thought, let’s face it, when Kris asked, hesitation wasn’t exactly on the table—Chrissy leaped into the pit, landing nimbly on her bare feet next to Michael’s crumpled body. Her skin shimmered with an almost otherworldly sheen as she bent down to pick him up, the jagged spikes brushing harmlessly against her.

Michael groaned as she hoisted him onto her shoulder. “Hold on, love,” she murmured, her breath steady despite the precarious position. The spikes around her seemed almost to shy away as she navigated through the narrow, jagged space, her scant armour gleaming.

Lorelei watched, grimacing, as Chrissy scaled the side of the trapdoor with one hand, Michael slung over her other shoulder like a sack of flour. If she hadn’t been cursed with an orgasmic moan as her only form of speech, she might have yelled something. But instead, she remained silent, her fists clenched.

As she reached the top, Kris reached down and clasped Chrissy’s hand, pulling her and Michael back to solid ground with a flourish. “There we go,” he purred, glowing hands already moving to heal the worst of Michael’s injuries. Blood seeped from the wound in his side, but Kris’s Skill worked quickly, the flesh knitting back together in a way that looked far too effortless for such a deep gash.

Michael blinked up at him, gratitude shining in his eyes, and Kris offered a smug smile. “See? I told you I’d take care of it.”

The rest of the group watched in . . . Adoration, their gazes softening again, practically soaking in the warm glow of Kris’s charm. Even Hild muttered something about the save being "awesome" under her breath.

Lorelei rolled her eyes so hard she thought they might pop out of her skull.