"Are you fucking kidding me?"
Lorelei flicked through the massive number of notifications she had received when battling the Kobold. Most of them were the standard, snark-filled damage updates and various Skill activation messages she was both thoroughly used to and heartily sick.
Lingering on the updates about her plummeting health during the confrontation, she blanched a little at how close she - once again - had come to zeroing out. Lorelei had thought she had gotten through the battle largely unscathed, so she was horrified to see that - even though the Kobold had not actually laid a finger on her - she had received significant internal damage from the air turbulence of its missed punches. It seemed like her organs had been primarily turned into paste.
The Guide had not been joking when it had flagged it would have been one and done if the creature had made contact with her. Even all those repeated misses had nearly been enough to finish her off.
On the plus side, with all the XP from soloing the Kobold, she was now a Level 4 and was some distance into being a 5. True, the stat improvements were not that startling - mostly another slew of +1s - but now she realised that would generally be the case, she did not feel much disappointment there.
In fact, from all the shit she had just read - such was the depletion of her health and the range of debuffs she'd accumulated in the battle - without the level-up, she would be in a pretty dire state right now. Looking at how far she had to go until Level 5, she needed to make this the last time she relied on that to keep her alive.
She had also picked up a new skill.
New Skill Available: The Old Swapperoonie (Active): Wah! Why is all my luck bad? Wah! For someone with a luck-based Class, you don't half moan a lot about random outcomes . . . Once per day, you can offload all the negative consequences of your abilities onto someone else. The timer does not reset if your poor patsy dies. 200 mana cost. 24 hours cooldown.
Lorelei could see this was a pretty decent ability - particularly considering the battle she had just been in. If she could have pinged this onto the [Kobold Champion], she could have just gone to town on it with
In fact, remembering back to the fights where she'd accidentally managed to buff and heal her opponents with her own attacks, she could see how helpful
And all that was before considering how much a fan she was of her shiny new gloves. Not only were they soft and purple - her favourite colour - but they came with some very snazzy new stats.
Whispering Gloves of the Seer
Item Type: Gloves [Rare]
Required Level: 4
Class Compatibility: Mystical/spellcasting
Weapon Type: Magical Artifact
* Intellect: +5
* Agility: +3
* Mana Regeneration: +2 per second
* Critical Strike: +2%
So, all in all, Lorelei could feel pretty good about the outcome of her first boss battle. So, what was making her quite so pissed off? Well, for a start, there was the complete absence of any title for her heroics in her notifications.
*** Help Message ***
You swore, my lady?
Lorelei was still not used to speaking out loud to someone she couldn't see. "Damn right, I did. You told me I would get a title from taking on that Kobold!"
*** Help Message ***
Nope. I absolutely did not. If you recall, in explaining the basic mechanics of this brave new world to you, I made clear that, and I quote, (trust me, communicate only through the written word. It makes it so easy to come with the receipts) titles are awarded based solely on my discretion. I told you to do your best and to act in a way I would consider noteworthy.
Lorelei made to answer and then bit back her initial reply. There was nothing to be achieved - other than making her feel better - in taking out her frustration at the Guide. If she wanted to get anywhere, she needed to do what she could to keep this avenue of help open. She was more considered when she finally said, "Are you seriously trying to tell me you didn't find me dropping a boss five levels above me noteworthy?"
***World Weary Sigh Message ***
This novel's true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.
Look, toots, let me level with you. Without going into the whys and the wherefores of it all, you're basically a walking error code. We're four hours and ten minutes into integration, and there have only been a few hotfixes required so far. Most of those, my dear, have had something to do with you. Now, you've somehow garnered yourself a funky luck-based Class, so it was always going to be a ball ache to ensure you stayed balanced. That's fine. The shit falls, and I grab a shovel. Just another day in paradise for me. However . . .
There was a pause. Lorelei blinked a few times, wondering if the ticker tape of words had frozen in some way. "Guide, is everything okay?"
***Help Message ***
Apologies. We seem to have lost one of those countless little islands that clog up the seas on this fucking planet. I tell you, whoever designed this place needs a crash course on the benefits of a decent landmass.
"Sorry, did you say you've 'lost' an island?"
*** Help Message ***
Lost. Failed to contain a catastrophic explosion initiated by a Level 13 Player channelling powers far beyond their capabilities. You say 'potato' I say 'Farewell New Zealand.' Same difference. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. You bellyaching about not getting a title. Look, no matter which way you look at it, you're starting to collect a lot of red flags. There's lucky, there's too lucky (and I've hot fixed most of that) and then there's taking the fucking piss. Level 3 newbies do not bitch-slap Level 8 bosses around. However, it's not wholly beyond the realms of possibility for you to have come out of this in one piece. That is the only reason why I've not reduced you to atoms. No one can quite say how, but there's a school of thought you're cheating. Somehow. Or, more worryingly, there are whispers around someone cheating on your behalf.
Lorelei thought of that voice in her head just before a Dragon smacked her in the face. It hadn't exactly done all that much to help her, but she wouldn't be surprised if it had done something to stop the damage the Dragon caused going over her available HP. Also, hadn't it said something about not being allowed to be here . . . Lorelei was about to ask but then, for some reason, something prompted her to take the discussion another way. "Sorry, are you saying because I'm doing too well, I'm not allowed a title for killing that Kobold?"
***Incredulous laughing message***
I think we have different interpretations of 'doing too well'. Sure, now you are at Level 4, you are not so crushingly behind the movers and the shakers as you were, but that's hardly to be called doing 'well'. I could run the stats for you, but even without looking, I'd suggest you're comfortably low-to-midtable, even for this part of the UK. Right now, you're essentially the bland porridge in the Three Bear's house. Not too hot, not too cold.
So, no. I will not be granting you a title for your unlikely Kobold slaughter. And this is for a couple of reasons. Firstly, you completed this quest completely out of order, and that sort of thing just pisses me off. All you had to do was let those guys and girls in the mail room out, and you'd have got a nice 'Revenge the Fallen!' quest that I'd have happily titled you up for completing in record time.
Lorelei felt her teeth grind together. Part of the reason she hadn't let the people out of the mail room was that she had thought she was more likely to get a title for taking on the Kobold on her own than in a group. "And the second reason?"
*** Help Message ***
You've made out like a bandit on the loot here. All those gold coins on their own will let you kit yourself out with all sorts of goodies. That's not to be sniffed at. Then there's the potions, which I'm not wild made it onto the loot table of this boss. That's another one of those shiny red flags, by the way. But I tell you what, that's a tiny pinprick of a lapel badge compared to the giant fucking banner of worry you're causing for having those gloves.
Lorelei frowned down at her hands and rechecked their stats. They were good - almost great - but she didn't think anything was game-breaking in what she saw there. "Really? What's so good about them?"
***Help Message***
No, nothing like that. It's just that they shouldn't exist. Anywhere. There's no version of the System database in which we can find them. And that, again, is making people a touch nervous. So, yeah, in the interest of keeping some semblance of balance, there is no way whatsoever you're getting a title on top of that. And consider this as a fair warning. The nanosecond we catch you even mildly light-pink-handed, you're going to be in for a world of pain. And for a very long time.
Shaking her head at that rather ominous warning, Lorelei dismissed her notifications and walked over towards the mail room door. She was sure if it was not for the emotional dampening, she'd be shaking with the shock and adrenaline of what had just happened. She had just defeated a monster that had killed tens of people. On her own. With office supplies. However, instead of panicking about it, all she could think was how irritating it was to have missed out on a title.
This was all very weird.
Lorelei put her hand against the keypad to the mail room but then paused for a moment. She took several deep breaths, staring straight ahead. Did she really want a tearful reunion with a bunch of her ex-workmates? It's not like she had especially liked most of them when things had been entirely normal. Other than Vanessa - Lorelei again managed not to glance towards that sad, still body by the now devastated coffee machine - there were only one or two people she would have regretted never seeing again.
If she opened the door, there would be questions. There would be expectations. There would be a group she would feel pulled into joining. And she didn’t know why, but she was absolute certain the Prick would be one of them. Lorelei had spent so long fulfilling a role for these people that she knew she would be dragged straight back into it again. In a blink, she’d be back to being that twat’s ‘good little girl’.
And she didn't want that anymore.
Lorelei took her hand off the keypad and took a step back.
*** Help Message ***
Just to be clear, if you don't free these people, they are absolutely going to die. And very soon. I can tell you that the next wave of adds won't be Kobolds and Wolves running around here. It'll be things with opposable thumbs and enough brainpower to outwit a simple locking mechanism. Their only chance is that you let them out and lead them clear.
"Guide, if there's one thing I've learned in the last few hours," Lorelei said, "is that there's nothing as mundane as an 'only chance'. I'm sure they'll be fine." And she turned and walked away.
It was just as she passed through the glass doors that she noticed the new notification blinking.
Title awarded: One Cold Bitch: Frost Resistance: +10%