If Lorelei had heard Steffan's question, she would very much not have known how to answer it.

The last couple of days had not been a joy, all things considered. Although it seemed like a lifetime ago that she had broken up with the Prick with the prick - with all the attendant 'becoming jobless and homeless' issues that had come with that little act of defiance - it was, in reality, not that long at all since all she had been was a Director of H.R. for a middling law firm, complete with the gnawing guilt that came with fucking your married boss.

To have moved from that to her current situation via the method of - what seemed to her - a fairly bungled attempt to integrate her planet into a broader galactic System was quite the psychological handbrake turn to take on board. Lorelei was sure some people would have taken all this in their stride—grabbed a hatchet and gone wild, as it were—but the effect of this life-changing whiplash was, emotional dampening aside, starting to take a toll.

***Help Message***

I'm not being funny, but if it turns out I managed to talk myself out of seventeen versions of corporate bollocking shit just to have the opportunity to listen to you go all 'woe is me' for however long it is before something finally wipes you, I am not going to be very impressed at all.

A broad smile broke out on Lorelei's face as she read those words. In a world where everything had gone insane, there was something ridiculously comforting about the return of her Guide's snippiness and ill-will to her notifications.

"Guide, you're back!"

***Manifestly Obvious Help Message demonstrating my continued existence ***

"What happened? It read like you were getting in serious trouble because of what I made for Hild?"

***Help Message***

Don't flatter yourself, buttercup. Sure, you choosing to ignore the slew of messages I sent you begging you not to craft something so obviously integration-breaking was the cherry on top of the giant, putrefying manure cake. However, there's more than enough bullshit flying around on this plant for your inconsiderate behaviour to have become just background diarrhoea.

Lorelei assumed the shitstorm the Guide was referring to had something to do with the issues surrounding the encounter she'd just had with her patron. There was faint pressure in her head as if Fortuna had wagged a mental finger at her for thinking about mentioning her presence. We're going to bring the whole fucking thing down around their ears, the Goddess of Luck had said.

Lorelei shivered at the memory of those words, as much as the terrifying glimpse she had of Fortuna in the flesh, as it were.

***Help Message***

Fucking hell, toots. Did you just solo a Level 10 Shadowweaver Arachnis?

Lorelei looked around at the remains of the creature that had been burned to a crisp in the explosion. Of course, she thought, I went up in flames a second later. But, technically, I suppose that counts as my kill . . .

***Perplexed Message***

Your logs make no sense here at all. It looks like you somehow activated immediately after being zeroed. But that shouldn't be possible . . .

Lorelei held her breath, wondering what would happen if the Guide identified Fortuna's meddling in what had happened. From everything the Goddess had told her, if the A.I. chose to blow the whistle to the powers that be - and Lorelei still had no real conception of what those 'powers' actually were - then there was every likelihood there would be some catastrophic repercussions for the remaining population of Earth.

"You ever seen a group of Alpha Hunters deal with an epic Risen infestation?" Fortuna had said.

Not having any idea what at least four words in that sentence meant, Lorelei had shaken her head.

"Well, it's fucking brutal. Flames everywhere. Salt sowed in literal and metaphorical fields. Everything in a gigamile radius exterminated with extreme prejudice. It's some seriously scorched-planet shit."

"Okay . . ."

"Well, that is what will happen to this world if the A.I tips anyone the wink that an Old One is getting in on the ground level of a new integration. My plan to break this fucking System will only work if I get to operate on the Q.T. So, under no circumstances can you allow it to figure out I'm still around. As far as the Guide needs to be aware, I was here to have a look at you, laid the smackdown on it for not letting you do your thing without interference, and then fucked back off out of it. If it learns I'm still about - especially after it's just got reamed out for all the weird shit going down - it will squeal like a field full of porcine sacrifices."

***Indignant 'look at me' Message***

Are you ignoring me, sugartits? I asked how you managed to activate the luckiest of lucky 'Hail Marys' whilst being rendered down to candle wax.

"I don't know," Lorelei managed, "just lucky, I guess."

There was a pause during which more than a few beads of sweat burst out on Lorelei's forehead. Trying to carry on as if nothing integration-breaking was going on, she casually started to flick through the slew of notifications the death of the Shadowweaver had caused.

The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

"Guide, what does it mean that I can 'upgrade' an existing skill?"

***Help Message***

Ah, I'd forgotten what a helpless Bambi you were. I am starting to look at my time in the Interrogation Module as a golden age. You don't get a new Skill for your latest level-up, but you do get the option to improve one of the ones you already have. For most people, this feels like a cop-out. But considering how spectacularly fucking nightmarish your Skills are, this had decent potential for you.

Lorelei pulled up her stats sheet, noticing a decent improvement to her stats from reaching Level 7 - soloing a Level 10 is no small deal, babes.

Lorelei Norton: Fortuna's Herald

Level 7

Experience 423/1400

Health 390/390

Mana 320/320

Primary Stats

Strength 13

Agility 26 (+3 Gloves of the Seer, +10% Veil of Vindication)

Stamina 18 (+2 Cloak of the Wanderer)

Intellect 34 (+5 Gloves of the Seer, +2 Double Headed Coin of Fate)

Spirit 24 (5% from Vigilante title + 3 from Earrings of the Lucky Gambler)

Secondary Stats

Critical Strike 12% (2% from Whispering Gloves of the Seer + 1% from Double-Headed Coin of Fate + 2% from Earrings of the Lucky Gambler

Haste 10% (+ 1% from Earrings of the Lucky Gambler)

Mastery 6%

Versatility 5%

Skills

Lucky Strike (Passive) Lv1: Sometimes you hit, sometimes you miss, and sometimes you accidentally help the enemy. It's a surprise!

Coin Toss Conundrum (Active) Lv1: Flip a coin to decide your next move. Heads, you unleash a devastating attack; tails, you heal your enemy. Bonus points for dramatic mid-air coin flipping. Mana Cost: 50. Cooldown: 2 mins.

Random Resilience (Active) Lv1: You might shrug off a dragon's breath or trip over a pebble. Life's a lottery! Mana Cost: 100% of available pool. Cooldown: 24 hours.

Charmed Life (Active) Lv1: You do seem to spend a lot of time getting hurt. Have a heal skill. But, to make it interesting, let's randomise how much healing it does. Oh, and just for shits and giggles, it will give you a random status effect for 2 mins. 30 M.P. cost. No cooldown.

The Old Swapperoonie (Active) Lv1: Wah! Why is all my luck bad? Wah! For someone with a luck-based Class, you don't half moan a lot about random outcomes . . . Once per day, you can offload all the negative consequences of your abilities onto someone else. The timer does not reset if your poor patsy dies. 200 mana cost. 24 hours cooldown.

Rogue is the Best of the X-Men (Active) Lv1: Fortuna's Herald channels her inner Rogue to temporarily steal the abilities of someone within the active range of the Skill every hour. Only one Skill will be taken in each hour-long cycle. The stolen ability lasts for 15 minutes and has a 30% chance - each casting of the stolen ability - to backfire, giving the Skill the opposite of the intended effect.

Inventory

Double-Headed Coin of Fate (Nerfed)

Cloak of the Wanderer (+ 2 Stamina)

Whispering Gloves of the Seer (+5 Intellect, +3, +2% Critical Strike)

Earrings of the Lucky Gambler: (+3 Spirit, Increases Critical Strike chance by 2%, and Haste by 1%)

Skinning Knife

8x[20 Leather Offcut]

8 [Charred Steak]

7 [Charred Steak - poisoned]. Poisoned status is hidden.

25 Gold. 27 Silver. 8 Bronze

Professions

Jack of All Trades

* Skinning - Lvl 28

* Cooking (Life in Your Own Hands) – Lvl 9

* Leatherworking – Lvl 1

* Campfire - Novice

Talents

Spoilsport: Increases the chance of a positive by 5%.

Fortune's Favor: Allies within a 10-meter radius gain a 5% increase in their Critical Strike chance when near you.

Titles

Kobolds Worst Nightmare: 35% damage against Kobolds

One Cold Bitch: Frost Resistance: +10%

Vigilante: Spirit +5%

Underneath that wall of text, Lorelei could see the options she had available for a skill level-up.

Skill Level-Up Options for Player Lorelei Norton

Option 1: Lucky Strike (Passive) - Improved Lucky Strike

Sometimes, you just have to trust that the universe is on your side. With an improved knack for hitting the mark, Lorelei’s luck seems almost... deliberate. Just don’t get cocky, kid.

Increases the chance of positive outcomes by 10% (up from 5%) and reduces the chance of negative outcomes by 5%.

Option 2: Coin Toss Conundrum (Active) - Enhanced Coin Toss Conundrum

Why leave things to chance? With an enhanced coin toss, even your enemies might start rooting for tails. Either way, it’s a win-win... mostly.

Positive outcomes now deal an additional 50% damage. Negative outcomes are now 5% less likely to occur but 20% more humorously disastrous when they do.

Option 3: Charmed Life (Active) - Superior Charmed Life

Life's full of ups and downs, but with a charmed life, the downs aren’t quite so bad. Maybe you’ll even get a boost from the chaos!

The random status effect lasts for 1 minute (down from 2 minutes) and has a 50% chance to grant a positive buff instead of a negative one.

"Any thoughts?" Lorelei asked, still hoping to keep the Guide focused on the present rather than what had occurred with Fortuna.

***Help Message***

I have so many thoughts it would liquify your puny brain if I were to elucidate even 1% of them. On this specific and limited issue, though, I think I would feel honour-bound to point out that would - if you could be a little more sure it was not likely to cause you massive problems - have the potential to be helpful. Parties can always use more healing.

That made sense. Lorelei was disappointed that she hadn't seen anything to stop being quite such a ball ache, but if these were her options, then a little more general survivability would help her feel more useful to her team.

She had just triggered the upgrade when a giant, decomposing spider appeared before her, rearing up as if preparing to strike.

There was just enough time to contemplate the need for a change of underwear when she heard Steffan's voice. "It's okay guys, she'd alive!"

The spider dropped down to the floor, letting her see the rest of her group waiting a short distance up the motorway.

With as much grace as she could summon following her fright, Lorelei trotted back towards her party.