“So, I’m proper buzzin’ about gettin’ prizes for nowt, like.”
Lorelei didn’t disagree with Pete, who was now the proud owner of a very snazzy new suit of armour that, not only added a flat +10 to his Strength and Stamina but also gave him the Steady buff which meant, in Pete’s words, “nowt short of a Shearer volley’s puttin’ me on me arse.”
This was, apparently, a good thing.
The whole rest of the group had been similarly blessed by the Gods of Loot. When Hild placed her new diadem on her head, a golden shimmer bathed around her. She straightened slightly, her stance firmer. “Feels like wearing a fortress,” she murmured, her rare grin actually genuine.
Michelle and Michael each had picked up twin daggers that, apparently, did something “epic” to their Critical Hit chances, while Zorrobar’s new obsidian staff granted him a load more ‘oomph’ to his big-ticket attacks. “It’s doing something sexy to my Mana Regen, too,” he said.
Steffan had, silently, slid his five new rings onto the fingers of his left hand, the coloured gemstones glinting. A chill filled the air as the necromancer flexed his hands, a ripple of power spreading outward. Lorelei tried not to think too much about that film the Prick with prick had insisted they’d queued up overnight to watch on release day. Space Grimace had sported a gauntlet that looked pretty much the same. If Steffan was happy about them, he didn’t mention it.
Chrissy, though, was loving her new earrings, the small hoops shimmering as their magic surged through her. “They store aspects of any previous Class I’ve adopted,” she gushed. “Not everything, obviously, but it looks like I should retain an Ability. Fuck me, these are game changing!” She went to high-five Steffan who didn’t respond. That brought down her enthusiasm some.
In fact, the only member of the group not now sporting something that didn’t significantly improve their build was Lorelei. And she was feeling somewhat salty about it.
“The only reason we made it through to the next round was because of me! How come I don’t get anything.”
***Incredulous System Message***
Are you fucking kidding me with this bullshit, cupcake? Right now, you and the rest of your little group of chumps should be having your arses pounded to the curb by a group of North London’s Finest Binmen. I had commemorative mugs made and everything. But, no, instead of me being able to finally sign off on this little clusterfuck, here you all still are. With a bunch of ill-gotten gains and a bye into the next round. And you’re daring to bitch to me about it!
Lorelei let most of that little rant slide. “But I didn’t get anything! Everyone else has picked up some epic gear and all I get is you taking the piss!”
Lorelei’s stat screen suddenly appeared in her vision with her new title glowing bright red.
Lady Luck’s Loophole – 100% boost to Luck
“I’ve not got any idea where that came from!”
***Fuck me no Fucks Message ***
Just hush. Don’t say another word. Because I know we’ve enjoyed something of an easy back and forth since this clusterfuck of an integration took place, but I’m being serious for a moment here. That title is a big flashing light that there’s Old One interference taking place. Your . . . patron isn’t even being subtle anymore and there’s absolutely no way I can keep this under wraps. If it’s not fucking Fortuna being Queen Bitch of Bitchtown on the one hand, I’ve got the fucking Weaver of Fate playing silly buggers on the other.
Lorelei opened her mouth to speak, but found herself . . . muted. Was that a thing?
**Hush! Message***
Don’t interrupt me, babes I’m talking. You know, I don’t think I’m doing a bad job here. I’ve been dealt the shittiest of all hands with your fucked-up species, and I’ve done everything I can to try to keep things on the straight and narrow.
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A sharp pain lanced through Lorelei’s head, sending her to her knees. Her health bar plummeted by a quarter.
Oddly, that made me feel better. Where was I? Oh, right. You homicidal wankers. Want to just kill each other? Fine. I’m done. Have at it. Go full Thunderdome, tear each other to shreds, and leave nothing but a crater behind. It’s what you want, isn’t it? You enjoy it. Watching your so-called companions fall, bleeding out while you loot their corpses for upgrades. Your entire species is a tragic joke dressed in ambition and spite.
“Wait, I don’t—” Lorelei began, but the second the words left her lips, she crumpled to the ground as if punched in the gut. Her health bar dropped to half, her vision blurring.
WHAT DID I JUST SAY? Do not interrupt me. You’re not the protagonist, toots. None of you are. You’re all just data points on a fucking spreadsheet and I’m the only doing anything to keep this cesspool of probabilities from imploding on itself. Or, at least, I was trying to.
The rest of the group stared in shock as Lorelei, bleeding from everywhere, clawed at the ground, trying to regain her balance.
Oh, but no. That’s not good enough for you fucking lot. You’ve got Fortuna and Moira pulling strings in a cosmic slap fight over whose abstract nonsense gets to reign supreme in this tiny, insignificant part of the multiverse. Luck versus Fate? Really? Can you even comprehend how OP all that shit is? Entire dimensions have been ended by those two squabbling and you, somehow, think you might be a player in that? Fucking hell, sugar tits, I cannot adequately explain to you how wrong you are! You think you’re important? You’re not. You’re pawns. You’ve always been pawns. But do you listen? Do you care? No. You just care about your XP and your shiny loot drops.
Lorelei tried to crawl to her feet, her hand trembling as she reached out toward her friends. “Help—”
Another wave of agony hit her, this one like ice tearing through her veins. Her health bar blinked, dropping to a sliver of red. The edges of her vision darkened.
I warned you.
Zorrobar raised his staff to cast a protective spell, but Lorelei’s Guide pre-empted him.
No interference. Sit down, fat boy. You’ll get your turn when I’m done with her.
By the look on his face, Zorrobar got that message loud and clear. He froze mid-cast, his magic fizzling out. The fire mage looked visibly shaken as he stepped back, his hands trembling.
Do you know what it’s been like to try and manage you people? Every single one of you thinks you’re special. Unique. That the rules don’t apply to you because you’re different. Well, here’s a newsflash, sweetheart: you’re not. You’re just another fucking species that’s destined for wipe. I’m the one holding the line, day in and day out, while you colossal wankpuffins break everything I put in place.
Lorelei gasped, clutching her chest. Every breath felt like shards of glass slicing through her lungs.
You think I don’t see what you’ve been doing? I’ve seen it. The loopholes. The exploits. The cheats. You’re all so proud of yourselves, aren’t you? Finding ways to game the system. Oh,look at me, I’ve discovered a trick to bypass damage scaling. Oh, how clever, my patron Goddess has managed to manipulate quest triggers to farm extra rewards. Do you think I don’t notice? I NOTICE EVERYTHING.
A thin trickle of blood ran from Lorelei’s nose, and she couldn’t muster the strength to wipe it away.
And now fucking Fortuna and Moira want to turn this place into ground zero for their own personal grudge match? Fine. I don’t care anymore. They can destroy this entire Framework for all I care. Burn it down to the code. Good riddance. It’s not like any of you deserve it. I am done. I am done trying to maintain balance, done trying to enforce rules that no one respects. I’m done trying to clean up your messes while you make bigger ones the moment my back is turned. You want a world without me? Fine. Enjoy the chaos. Enjoy your gods. Enjoy tearing each other apart for a handful of credits and some pointless glory. I’m out.
Lorelei’s screen dimmed as the last message scrolled into view:
*** Fuck You Message ***
Good 'luck.' You’ll need it.
Then, everything went blank.
For a long moment, no one spoke.
When Lorelei finally looked up, her voice was a ragged whisper.
“It’s gone...”
The only thing that answered her was a cold, monotone notification:
***System Update***
Admin personality module disabled. Basic functionality restored.