Lorelei did not know what to make of the Welcome Message.
Certainly, the happy-clappy, 'peace and love' tone was at odds with the rampaging battle royale she’d witnessed through the shattered windows of the nail salon. It was hard to imagine that Steve the Sparky had much interest in following a stepping stone toward greater mastery and understanding of the cosmic tapestry when he’d been focused on trying to sever her head from her shoulders with an axe.
But, on the other hand, at least they weren’t being explicitly driven toward some sort of Hunger Games, ‘There Can Be Only One,’ Running Man killathon. Whether everyone took heed of that was another story entirely . . .
Grimacing, Lorelei looked down at the coin in her hand. It was curious that both heads on either side were her own. One was beaming broadly, like she’d just won a year’s supply of chocolate, and the other was fixed in what the Prick had always referred to as her 'resting fuck-off-and-die' face.
Considering she now had an ability that launched a ‘devastating attack’ when she flipped a head, it kind of felt like she’d finally had some good luck for a change. So, even if the coin didn’t have any of the special effects goodies it was supposed to, it was still stupidly useful for her particular skill set.
Especially compared to just letting things hit her in the face, which was a strategy she was keen to move away from.
The question, though, was precisely how ‘devastating’ an attack it would prove to be. "I need something to attack," she thought, then wondered what was wrong with her.
*** Quest Awarded *** FUCK SHIT UP!
Objective: Apparently, you’re here to kick ass and chew bubble-gum. And you are ALLLLLL out of bubble-gum.
Quest Description: So, you heard a welcome message from advanced, interdimensional beings encouraging you to focus on your spiritual growth to reach for the heavens, and your first thought was how best to increase your body count. And not in the good way. I hate this planet, and I’ve only been switched on for a few hours. So be it. Come on then, Rambo. Let’s get bloody. Defeat 5 Kobolds: And when I say ‘defeat,’ I mean (imagine I’m doing a spooky voice here) kill them. All of them.
Rewards: I don’t know. Sleepless nights? PTSD? Maybe a moment of true, honest reflection where you see violence is not the answer, and perhaps we have more in common than divides us? No? Okay, fine. I’ll throw in some sort of gear. Do it with style, and I’ll even make it [Rare].
So, that was a lot to take in.
It seemed to Lorelei that she might not be the only person struggling with how the people of Earth were coping with the integration. Stop it, she chastised herself. This isn’t really happening. You’re standing in the middle of Belgrave Middleway, gibbering and sobbing your eyes out. Someone’s bound to call 999 eventually, and before long, some nice doctor will squeeze every antipsychotic known to man down your throat, and this will all fade to black.
But until then, she resolved, she might as well keep herself busy.
The way the Quest had been delivered made it seem she needed to cross some sort of conceptual threshold to access them. Like, the System wouldn’t let her discover things until she’d thought through it enough to need to.
As soon as she realised she needed a weapon—up pops the Quest. She figures out it would be sensible to practice—Quest number two arrives. Recognising that it’s vitally essential Heath Ledger is resurrected to ravish her right here and now in the nail salon…
Silence.
Okay, so apparently, there were limits.
She tossed the coin a few times, getting used to its weight. So, Kobolds… What on Earth was a Kobold?
As no helpful source of information immediately popped into her mind, it appeared that crossing the ‘Help’ threshold required her to be more specific than just not knowing stuff. Feeling immensely foolish, she said out loud, "System?"
Nothing.
Lorelei pursed her lips in frustration. The logic of this place beggared belief. She needed to idly think about something to gain all manner of info, but this—which was actually important—needed a specific contextual clue.
"Fine, how about 'Help'?"
*** Requesting Help Assistance****
Sometimes, even heroes need a little nudge (or a shove).
Stuck? Confused? Lost your Map or just your sense of direction? Fear not, for my wisdom is at your beck and call. Seriously. I mean it. There is no one else on this planet I need to assist. I’m here just for you. Do not hesitate to bother me with all sorts of mindless trivia.
Navigation Troubles - “Where am I?” Good question! For a detailed map and a you-are-here sticker, think [Map]. If I remember, I will even highlight danger as red. Or blue. One of the colours, anyway. Probably best not to rely on it as gospel.
Queries - “How does this thingamajig work?” If you can’t tell a sword from a spatula, think [Guide].
Quest Confusion - “What am I supposed to do again?” For a refresher on why you’re wandering the wilderness, think [Quest Log].
General Helplessness - “I’m utterly lost.” It happens to the best of us. For a reassuring pat on the back and general tips, think… nope. Can’t keep a straight face through that one. If you find yourself experiencing overwhelming ennui, just sit down and wait for a passing centaur to eat you or something. Do not bother me with that crap.
Lorelei was, once more, struck by the notion that she did not seem to be the only one who was a little strung out by current Earthly experiences. "Guide," she said, "talk to me about Kobolds." As soon as she said it, the slow ticker tape started rolling across her vision.
Kobolds
The multiverse's answer to the question, "What if we made a dragon, but it was neither majestic nor intelligent and was small enough to punt?"
Level 2 - Level 3 Creature
Health 30-40
The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.
Mana 200/200
Primary Stats
Strength 4-5
Agility 7-8
Stamina 6-7
Intellect 2-3
Spirit 2-4
Secondary Stats
Armour 0-10
Attack Power 5-10
Critical Strike 2%
Haste 5%
Skills
Scavenger's Swipe: A basic melee attack with a slight chance to steal a minor item or a few coins from the opponent.
Cowardly Retreat: When health drops below 15%, the Kobold attempts to flee, increasing its movement speed by 10% for a short duration.
Loot table
Small amounts of copper coins
Low-quality items like candles, mining picks, or scraps of cloth
Very rare chance of dropping a low-level, common-quality weapon or tool
Over the next hour, Lorelei played around with the Help menu and found out some useful and not-so-useful things.
On the plus side, she could identify that Kobolds simply loved dingy underpasses and that a small group had spawned not two hundred feet from her current position. They showed up on her Map screen— which, helpfully, she could make linger in the top right-hand corner of her vision. At least that was quite intuitive. It wasn’t there when she didn’t want it, but if Lorelei thought Map, it popped right out.
On the other side of things, though, she kept hitting against what she was terming the ‘You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know’ Wall.
She couldn’t use the Guide to find out about anything she had not already experienced or at least knew something about. So, she could see Kobolds on her Map in the underpass because she’d been there after the integration had happened—albeit briefly before Steve clocked through this window. However, most of the rest of her Map was covered by—and she was pretty proud of herself for remembering this was what it was called—the ‘Fog of War.’ She couldn’t circumnavigate it by thinking about ‘home,’ for example, and get an overview of what awaited her back at her apartment.
It was all very helpful, provided she didn’t need too much help.
Thus, having prepared herself as well as she could for her first proper Quest, it was time for Lorelei to venture into the world. "After all, these Kobolds aren’t going to kill themselves," she muttered, clutching her coin like a lifeline as she carefully stepped out of the store.
The street outside was a grisly tableau, the kind that would haunt the nightmares of even the most seasoned horror fan. The bodies hadn’t disappeared, and the air was thick with the metallic scent of blood and the stench of something far worse—an olfactory cocktail of burnt flesh, ruptured intestines, and the unmistakable smell of fear. She had half-hoped that maybe, just maybe, the mess would have tidied itself up by now, but this wasn’t some sanitised video game. No, the carnage was as real as the glass crunching underfoot and the steady drip of fluids from the twisted remains of what had once been people.
Lorelei gagged slightly, forcing herself to avert her eyes as she hurried across the road and down to the entrance of the underpass. The darkness ahead was less a shadow and more a gaping maw, the kind of place that seemed to eat light and spit out nightmares.
A horrible, chittering noise echoed from within, a cross between the gnashing of tiny teeth and the wet, squelching sound of something being torn apart. For a brief, gut-wrenching moment, Lorelei considered bolting back to the dubious safety of the nail salon, where the only threat was her own spiralling sanity. But what would be the point? If she’d learned one thing from her encounter with the Dragon, it was that this new world was filled with things that could—and would—make mincemeat out of her if she didn’t get some levels under her belt.
Steeling herself, Lorelei stepped forward, her heart pounding in her chest like a drumbeat of impending doom.
She hadn’t taken more than a few steps into the underpass when the decision was abruptly taken out of her hands by a small, scaly creature with glowing red eyes that practically walked right into her. The Kobold was a grotesque little thing, its skin mottled and peeling as if it had been left too long in the sun. It clutched a rusted pickaxe in its clawed hands; its lips curled back in what might have been a snarl—or a smile.
Lorelei didn’t wait to find out.
Without thinking, she triggered
The moment the coin left her hand, it began to glow with an intense, almost blinding light. The Kobold’s eyes widened in confusion, its tiny brain struggling to process the sudden burst of brightness as the coin spiralled up, up, up... and then came crashing back down.
As soon as the coin hit the ground, displaying Lorelei’s smiley face, the world seemed to pause for a heartbeat—and then all hell broke loose.
A giant column of fire roared down from the heavens, a blazing inferno that seared the air as it descended with the force of a meteorite. The heat was so intense that Lorelei instinctively flinched back, throwing up her arms to shield herself from the blast. The Kobold didn’t even have time to scream as the firestorm engulfed it, reducing the poor creature to a rapidly disintegrating silhouette of charred flesh and bone. When the flames finally died down, there was nothing left but a smear of ash on the ground, the last remnants of the Kobold atomised in an instant.
One-Shot Wonder: You just reduced Kobold (Lvl 2) into its constituent atoms with a single, wildly excessive attack.
Kobold Extinction Level Event: Overkill level - Legendary
Title Awarded: Kobold’s Worst Nightmare (which I may or may not have made up just now). 100% increased Damage to Kobolds When Your Attack Would Kill Them Anyway. Fuck Those Lizards.
Experience Gained: 20XP
Quest Update: Fuck Shit Up! 1/5
Lorelei stared at the scorch mark on the ground, her breath coming in ragged gasps. "Okay," she thought, "when it said devastating attack, I guess it meant it."
She bent down to pick up her coin, now dull and lifeless in her hand, along with a couple of pieces of copper that had somehow survived the inferno. The pickaxe, on the other hand, was another matter. When she reached for it, her hand recoiled as though she’d touched something vile.
*** Help Message ***
Yeah, not so much, cupcake. You get the coin and be grateful for it. You can’t just snarf up any old weapon.
Swearing under her breath, Lorelei retreated a little back toward the nail salon, her shoes squelching on the blood-soaked ground. If stealing the pickaxe was out, she was down to waiting for her ability’s two-minute cooldown. The last thing she needed was another Kobold—or worse—wandering over to see what had happened to their friend. She found a relatively clean spot under a tree, the bark stained a deep, ominous red, and for the next few minutes, she paced back and forth, her nerves on edge.
Finally, the countdown reached zero, and Lorelei crept back down the underpass. Sure enough, another Kobold was standing in the same spot, carrying a battered shovel and looking around with a puzzled expression. It seemed to be trying to figure out where its predecessor had gone—or perhaps where the last sound it heard had come from.
Taking a deep breath, Lorelei tossed the coin again, and the Kobold’s eyes followed the gleaming arc as it went up and over, tracing the path like a doomed firework. She braced herself for another pillar of flame... but nothing happened.
The Kobold blinked, then looked down at the shovel in its hands—except it wasn’t a shovel anymore. To its and Lorelei’s horror, the tool had somehow transformed into a sleek, black AK-47, the kind of weapon that belonged in a war zone, not in the claws of a confused reptile.
Lorelei felt the blood drain from her face as she looked down at the coin on the floor, now showing her unhappy, scowling face. The Kobold looked at her, its beady eyes narrowing, and for a moment, there was a tense, breathless silence.
Then the gunfire started.
The Kobold’s claws squeezed the trigger, and the AK-47 roared to life with the staccato bursts of death. Bullets whizzed past Lorelei’s head, tearing through the underpass with terrifying precision. She barely had time to register what was happening before instinct took over, and she turned and ran faster than she ever had.
As she sprinted for cover, her heart pounding in her throat, a soft ding echoed in the back of her mind.
*** System Note ***
Double-headed Coin exploit linked to
Cursing a stream of expletives that would have made a sailor blush, Lorelei dove behind a wall, the sound of gunfire echoing in her ears. This was not what she’d signed up for.