It was unsurprisingly tricky to sneak up on a cathedral when your party contained a giant, partially under control, undead troll. As it was, it was all Chrissy could do to keep the thing from hulk-smashing them to pieces every few seconds. Silent infiltration to their destination was thus out of the question. On the plus side, though, Lorelei thought, one look at the Chameleon Courtesan's new best friend had clearly dissuaded any of the other roaming parties that kept popping up on her Map from bothering them.
"Aah divvin' knaa aboot anyone else, but the friggin' thing terrifies uz! Me neighbour used to keep pit bulls as pets. This feels like whenever aah went roond there for a beer. Aah'm just waitin' for the thing te rip me leg off!"
It was widely understood that Pete was speaking for them all.
In herself, though, Chrissy appeared to be coping quite well with the demands the summoning was placing on her. She was chatting away quite amicably with Zorrobar to the right of their formation, only occasionally needing to do the mental equivalent of snapping the whip to reinforce her dominance of the monster.
Steffan, on the other hand, had been unusually sulky since the party had gained an extra Necromancer. Lorelei was not sure whether this was because he was jealous that Chrissy had managed to achieve a feat he had said was beyond him or if he was just irritated to have needed to give her all his gear. Either way, though, he wasn't being especially chatty. And with him being all silent, Hild and Michelle carrying on some Mean Girl-esque conspiring towards the back of the group, the troll's repeated attempts to escape, and Pete's semi-coherent ramblings, Lorelei was delighted when they passed the sign that said 'Welcome to Lichfield'.
Lorelei was sure she must have been there once or twice before, but for the life of her, she didn't think it had looked like this before. The System had definitely given the place a little bit of a makeover. And she wasn't sure she liked it.
***Help Message***
Oh, hang on. Give me a minute. I'm just checking and . . . no, sorry. I'm all out of fucks to give today. My fucks have runneth dry. Try again tomorrow, where we will be having a sale on 'don't give a fuck what you thinks' and 'go fuck yourself, you ungrateful tosspots'. Two for the price of fucking one. Do come again soon. Fuck you very much.
They'd noticed the change to their environment a little way out, where the smooth surface of the road gave way to cobblestones, which seemed to have a personal vendetta against their ankles.
"What the fuck's up with this bloody pavement!" Michael had said before both he and his sister had vanished into their shadow portals. It was an option that most of the rest of them wished they could have taken.
The uneven stones twisted and turned with a mischievous delight under every step, making the last mile or so of the journey a complete nightmare. Kriss had needed to down a couple of mana potions to keep up with the running repairs he was doing on twisted ankles and scraped knees. It got so bad that, after about ten minutes of slipping and sliding on the uneven cobbles, Steffan had to send CCMD to find a longer way around after the spider had skittered thorax over the carapace for the fifth or sixth time.
"There's an irony, you know," Hild had said, picking herself up once again, "that I've taken more hits to my HP walking down this fucking path than I did in our last fight. It's almost like something doesn't want us here."
***Help Message***
You know, I'm reviewing my opinion of that Amazonian Milf. She's perceptive. I like her. When terraforming this bit of the world, I was going for less 'Yellow Brick Road' and 'Massive Prick Street'. Do you think I managed it?
Lorelei dismissed the notification.
According to her Map, they'd been about twenty minutes away from the giant red X they'd been headed towards for about an hour now. They still had a bit of time to spare on the ticking Doom Clock, but it would be tight if they didn't manage to up their progress soon.
And it wasn't just the road leading to the city that seemed to have been transformed by the A.I. Lichfield itself appeared to have undergone a thorough makeover by a set designer with an eye for historical charm and a flair for the theatrical. As the group moved through the deserted streets and roads, it was as if someone had taken every stereotype of Englishness and dialled it up to eleven, then plastered it across this one thoroughfare with all the subtlety of a Shakespearean jester.
The houses lining the street were an architectural homage to every period drama the BBC had ever spunked their budget over. The half-timbered Tudor cottages they had got used to seeing on the city's outskirts were now standing shoulder to shoulder with quaint Georgian townhouses, their exteriors painted in various shades of 'tea-stained cream' and 'thoroughly respectable beige.' Each window boasted curtains that looked like they were hand-sewn by Mrs Tiggy-Winkle herself, and window boxes overflowing with flowers so vibrant and uniformly arranged that Lorelei wondered if they might be part of some great floral conspiracy.
"This is fucking creepy," Hild muttered, drawing her sword.
Hanging above each front door, almost as if mandated by some post-integration zoning law, were gleaming brass knockers shaped like lions, dragons, and other heraldic creatures. These doors, painted in an array of cheerfully muted colours, were all meticulously maintained—there was no apocalyptic wear and tear here.
If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.
"Where is everyone?" Zorrobar said, manifesting a fireball in each hand and looking around. "My Map has gone completely blank!"
***Help Message***
I'd explain to the noobs the concept of 'instancing', but I rather fear I'd be wasting my code. For one, I doubt you'd all get it. And for two, there's no point because you're about to wipe, and all that shiny new knowledge would be wasted.
Lorelei dismissed the notification.
The air around them had become thick with the scent of freshly baked scones and the distant, ever-so-comforting aroma of a Sunday roast perpetually in the making. Each garden they walked slowly past, regardless of its size, was a miniature Eden, complete with perfectly clipped hedges, rose bushes in full, ludicrously overblown bloom, and the obligatory gnome or two casting their ceramic gaze over this utopian landscape. Pete repeatedly hurried over and smashed any of those he saw to pieces with his shield.
"Aah bloody hate them things. They proper freak us oot."
A little while later, they passed by a series of shops that seem to have leapt straight from the collective imagination of someone who had read too many Agatha Christie novels. There was a bakery with a display window full of pies and pastries. Next door, a bookshop with creaky wooden shelves and the comforting mustiness of old paper offered a selection that was suspiciously heavy on classic British literature and charmingly obscure local histories. Further down the road, a tea shop, its sign swinging gently in the breeze, promised a selection of brews that even Lorelei, one of the most discerning of tea aficionados, felt was a touch excessive.
Next to that hung a sign for “The Prancing Pony” (no relation, her guide assured Lorelei, to any other establishments in fictional universes), which offered pints of ale that it promised would always be at the perfect temperature. Peering through its windows, they could see its dark wood interior was complete with a roaring fireplace and the obligatory collection of dubious hunting trophies.
And, of course, no over-the-top depiction of Englishness would be complete without an ever-present drizzle—not quite rain but more of a persistent dampness that settled into their very bones.
"The world fucking ends, and we still can't catch a fucking break, weather-wise," Kris said, sweeping his wet, dark hair back out of his eyes in a very Colin-Firth-Climbing-Out-of-a-Pond way.
And then they were through the weird faux-village and drawing close to the cathedral proper, its gothic spires loomed into view, rising like the skeletal fingers of some long-forgotten deity giving the heavens the bird.
***Help Message***
You know, this wasn't actually me. They actually do look like that. I've only been on your planet for a couple of days, but it's clear this place has seen some shit: plagues, wars, religious upheavals, and now you guys about to have your arses handed to you. I imagine today will probably be quite the highlight for the place. Keep an eye on the clock, by the way.
Lorelei dismissed the notification.
In keeping with the bizarre perfection of the village they'd just left, the pathway leading to the cathedral was bordered by lawns so carefully manicured that there was clearly the involvement of manically obsessive gardeners: the grass uniformly green, each blade perfectly aligned. It was as if nature had tried to soften the stern, gothic architecture with a touch of verdant tranquillity.
***Help Message***
Yeah, that's all lovely and everything. But you can see the massive-fuck off Chimera sat just there, right?
Lorelei dismissed the notification.
Despite everything the group had experienced since the integration, the cathedral's sheer intricate scale was awe-inspiring. Its walls and towering spires dwarfed everything around it.
***Help Message***
Not the Chimera, though, right? That thing is fucking massive! The teeth. The eyes. The TEETH!
Lorelei looked up, feeling like an insignificant ant beneath the magnificent building. As she looked closely, the details of the stonework became clearer, revealing intricate carvings and statues, each telling its own story of devotion and craftsmanship. The cathedral's façade was a marvel, adorned with statues of saints and biblical figures that stared impassively at the transformed world below. Lorelei imagined the countless hands that chiselled and shaped each figure, working tirelessly to create something that would stand the test of time.
"You know, when you look at something this beautiful, you remember we're not such a fucking terrible species after all," she said to no one in particular. "The people who started building this would have known it would never have been finished in their lifetime, and yet that didn't matter. They didn't say, 'fuck it, let's make something quick and easy,' they committed to something greater themselves."
***Help Message***
Fuck me, waffle-jugs, if I'd known seeing an old church would make you go all maudlin, I'd have set this Quest up in a supermarket or something less likely to set you off.
The group paused at the edge of the cathedral grounds, just before a pair of massive iron gates. These doors had welcomed countless souls over the centuries, each one stepping into the hallowed space beyond with their own hopes, fears, and prayers. The weight of history was here, wrapping around them like the ever-present drizzle.
Stepping back to take it all in, Lorelei's breath couldn't help but be taken away at the blend of beauty and solemnity, the way the cathedral commanded both respect and a kind of quiet, almost mischievous, amusement.
***Help Message***
Hello, is this thing on? You can see the Chimera, right?
Sighing, Lorelei tore her attention away from the cathedral and focused on the monster she and the rest of the group had been doing their level best to pretend didn't exist.
Because wrapped around Lichfield Cathedral was the biggest fuck-off snake any of them had ever conceived existed. If Jörmungandr had a big brother, this was it.
***Help Message***
Finally! I was worried I'd enabled some sort of perception filter on you all. Excellent. Well, no point hanging about like a spare cock at an orgy. Let's get ready to rumble!!!!!
Then, at the same exact moment, two important things happened. Firstly, everyone in the group received an update on their Quest status.
And, secondly, the Chimera opened its eyes.