There wasn’t another attack, but Indenuel felt a lot safer with Tolomon sleeping in the same room. Tolomon was professional about the whole thing, not coming in until Inessa was ready in the evening. Never looking at them once. Falling asleep incredibly fast because perhaps Tolomon trained his body to only sleep when he allowed it to. That or he was in a constant state of exhaustion. Either way, they had a semblance of privacy. Not that Inessa or Indenuel wanted to do anything. She was still afraid, and Indenuel hated this feeling of helplessness. He wasn’t supposed to feel this way. He was the Warrior.
In the morning, Tolomon woke up before either one of them and slipped out of the room, remaining just outside the door. Since Inessa was banned from the Cathedral, they were going to meditate in their own home, but either way, Indenuel did not feel comfortable going to the Cathedral today. If ever.
***
Martin was meditating in his study when the door burst open. He cracked an eye to see Nathaniel, once again looking hurt, which made him instinctually look away. “Son? What is it?”
“Why aren’t you there?” Nathaniel asked, pointing toward the direction of the Cathedral. “Why are you letting him spread those disgusting lies? Why aren’t you stopping him?”
“Now is not the time, Nathaniel.”
“Oh, I have plenty of time.” He sat down in the chair opposite the desk. “My family and I just walked out of High Elder Navir’s sermon. I’ll be blacklisted from Sabbath worship, and there’s a good chance the High Elders are going to put into question my membership in the church, but I have to know why you aren’t there. Why you aren’t even trying to fight back.”
Martin said nothing, feeling sick to his stomach. He stood, walking over to the incense, placing it in some water. He clearly wasn’t going to mediate much more today. It was hard enough trying to get the meditation state to come.
“Father?” Nathaniel asked again.
“It’s nothing son.”
“Please don’t insult me with any more lies. I had high hopes you would be there to stop him. You did so yesterday, why weren’t you there today?”
Martin sighed, making his way around the room, taking the incense and putting it out. He hoped no one missed him, and if they did, no one would question him. Yes, he had hoped he offended Nathaniel deeply enough that he would just leave Martin to his hell. “They are extremely powerful men, Nathaniel.”
“So are you.”
“They have made it clear they are not on my side and will throw me into the fire if it is for their benefit.”
Nathaniel stared at Martin, and he found he could only look at his son for a heartbeat before he had to look away. “They have isolated you, torn you from your family, and have constantly made you believe you must follow them. You must fight back. Fight back with me, with Tolomon, with Indenuel.”
Martin shook his head, tears in his eyes. “I can’t.”
“And why not?” Nathaniel asked. Martin still could not look at him, the memory of his desperation playing at the forefront of his mind. “You are sitting here in a house away from your family, away from everyone you love, isolated and alone. What more could they possibly do to you?”
“They could lessen my titles, my power,” Martin said.
“That’s impossible unless you give them up yourself.”
“Or I do something so despicable that--” Martin forced himself to stop. He stared at the desk because he’d rather stare at that than at his son. Technically they couldn’t lessen his powers that way, because everyone just assumed High Elders never did anything wrong. That was the people’s first mistake.
Nathaniel waited, then sat up straighter in his chair. “Father.” His voice was quiet. “What did you do?”
Martin felt the first of the tears fall. He shook his head, unable to speak, but knowing he had to. His secrets were breaking Santollia, and his terror at having them revealed would be the downfall of the country. “I burned it. I burned the book. The Warrior Project. And Navir knows.” He let out a shuddering sob.
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Nathaniel nodded, looking away. “They cannot hold you accountable for that.”
“Yes, they can.” Martin lowered his hands. “Make me out to be an old man losing his mind. Try to drive me out of my mind until they force me to step down and call Theo to be acting High Elder, seriously reducing my power.”
Nathaniel rubbed his forehead, trying to think. “I could… discuss this with Addy. See what she thinks.”
“I doubt she would want to help me,” Martin said.
“She might not want to see you personally, no. But I could talk with her. Figure out how to keep going from here.” Nathaniel dropped his hand. “Why… why did you do it?”
Martin finally tore his gaze from the desk to look at his son. He wished he never asked him that. “Shame driven.”
“I see,” Nathaniel said.
Martin hoped that was it. He hoped Nathaniel would take his answer and leave. He didn’t dare tell him. He couldn’t. But Nathaniel, who could have been an excellent minister for confession, noticed how much Martin was suffering and reached over and grabbed his hand. “They have isolated you for years. You had your family to support you while you kept your secrets. The secrets are out, and we are hurt. But the only way to heal this hurt is if we know everything. You’ve seen what happens when you keep secrets. Is there anything else you need to tell me?” Martin’s tongue was stuck to his mouth, but the tears kept coming. “It’s not too late, Father. Drop the weight of the secret and turn away from it. I cannot help you if I don’t know what it is.”
Martin moved his hand out of Nathaniel’s reach, feeling nausea threatening to overtake him again. “She’s mine,” Martin whispered, looking at Nathaniel’s face. Searching it, waiting for him to show the dawning horror. The same nausea. Disgust. Anger. “Inessa…” The tears kept spilling from Martin’s eyes. “Years ago… because of the Warrior Project… her mother worked in a brothel and I… Inessa is my… Oh, God, I didn’t want anyone to find out.”
Nathaniel slowly sat back in his seat, staring off into the distance, his eyebrows lifting higher and higher up his forehead. “Oh.”
There was so much said in that monosyllabic word as his son covered his mouth with his hands.
Martin covered his face again, sobbing. “I swear I stopped. The moment I found out, I never touched her again. I practically threw her at Indenuel. Her mother used a fake name. None of the High Elders know who Inessa is to me. I burned the book when the king wanted to find out who all these women were. Track them down. Let them know. I… I couldn’t…” Martin’s hands were in his hair again as he saw tears forming in Nathaniel’s eyes. “I’m sorry, son. There are not enough words to possibly describe how much I hate myself. You’ve-” Nathaniel lowered his hands and Martin saw the beaming smile on his son’s face. He was so surprised he stopped talking.
“Inessa’s my sister?”
Martin stared at Nathaniel, blinking. “Half-sister, yes.” He had seen that look of joy before. It was on his face after every single one of Rosa’s announcements of pregnancies. The same joy he shared with Carlos and Ana with each of their children.
“Please don’t misunderstand me,” Nathaniel said, still smiling even as he tried to stifle it. “I’ve never loved the concubine program, and the Warrior Project made me physically ill. There is no doubt that poor girl has gone through a lot of trauma, and there is… so much to come to terms with what you just said about you and her but… but I have a sister.” His smile was there again, all the brighter. “Inessa is my sister.”
Martin stared at Nathaniel. “This is the opposite of how I reacted.”
“Well, of course you would. Because you were still…” Nathaniel cleared his throat, refusing to elaborate, the smile finally dropping from his face. “But you did the right thing, giving her over to Indenuel.”
Martin shook his head. “The other High Elders don’t know. No one else can know.”
“No one else?” Nathaniel asked. “You didn’t… you weren’t even going to tell Inessa?”
Martin covered his face again. “Just think for a moment how she’d handle this information.” Nathaniel paused as he thought it over, then grimaced. “Exactly.”
“She still has a right to know,” Nathaniel said. “I’ve met a few soldiers who never knew their Api’s. It’s not a way to grow up. No matter how much it hurts, you’ve got to take the thorn out before it festers.”
Martin tapped the desk, looking out the window. “She should know. Indenuel too, since he’s married to her. But I don’t have the strength to tell them.”
“Would you like me to?” Nathaniel asked.
Martin closed his eyes, nodding. He did not want to be there when either one of them found out. He wasn’t prepared. But what with the fight Indenuel was waging with the High Elders, it would be best for them to know this information.
“Then I will let them know next time I see them.”
Martin leaned back in his chair. Despite everything that happened, despite Nathaniel digging up his ugliest sin and promising to tell Inessa and Indenuel, he felt lighter.
“Father, I… I have been angry at you. I will not deny that. There are still many things I am working through with my forgiveness for what you’ve done. I have prayed to find a way to forgive. And the thing is… there is no hate I can feel about you that you haven’t already felt for yourself.” Martin found himself nodding again, keeping his gaze out the window. “I know if I don’t help you, you’re going to continue to dig yourself in this hole. You’ve never had the support you needed. The High Elders have shown their true colors, and I want you to know that I want you to be better. We need you to fight against the High Elders with us.”
Martin folded his arms. “Have you discussed this idea with Indenuel? About me helping you all?”
Nathaniel hesitated. “Admittedly, no.”
Martin tried to smile, and to his utter surprise, he found he could. “It’s not me you need to convince, son. It’s him.”
Nathaniel tapped the desk with a finger before nodding. “Yeah. I’ll work on that.”
Martin shook his head, the sadness returning. “May God help you in that endeavor.”
Nathaniel stood. “You’ll be there tomorrow when we read the new rules and regulations for the Graduate Program, right?”
“I’ll be there. And I’ll make sure Navir keeps his mouth shut.”