Another slow day. Ever since my life got turned upside down I keep finding myself bored out of my skull. I could do anything, go anywhere. But my previous life as a shut in keeps coming back to haunt me. I keep finding myself drifting off, watching people like it’s some form of television show. An incredibly slow, most of the time boring, television show.

This all started long ago. I got the offer of a lifetime. Not just me, though. Everyone received this offer. Every single person on the planet.

I was minding my own business playing a video game in my apartment when suddenly I was standing in a white void. There was this old man in front of me. He was frowning and looked like he was running out of patients.

“Hello, Kim. I’m God and I have an offer for you.” The old man gave a forced smirk that made me feel ill at ease.

“I’m going on somewhat of a vacation and I’m looking for someone to take over for a bit. Would you like to take over as God while I’m away?”

“Absolutely not!” My response was immediate.

“So, you fall into that category. I can tell you it’s not nearly as hard as it seems. You basically just sit back and entertain yourself and do nothing.”

“If you don’t do anything then why look for a replacement?”

“Well, it’s just a security measure to make sure humanity doesn’t suddenly off itself. Like stopping total nuclear annihilation, or a super virus from killing every living thing on the planet. Most of the time though you just do whatever you would normally do.”

“that still sounds like too much responsibility.”

“It’s really easy. You could just stop everything with a miracle and people would just think it’s some big coincidence.”

“There has to be some one better qualified than me.”

“There might be. I’m interviewing everyone, but most people I only have to take one look at to see they aren’t fit for the job. I’ve interviewed like three quarters of the human population so far and I ready to just hire the next person that says yes.”

“I say no.”

“Please, just think about it. Absolute power, total omniscience, and immortality. You can’t ask for more, literally.”

“I could try and suggest someone who I think is a better choice.”

“Really, you’re still saying no.”

“I’m positive I’m not a good choice.”

“The more I’m talking to you the better I think you fit.”

“Why do you need to take a vacation now? Isn’t the world like billions of years old?”

“Yes, but to me that’s like a couple years.”

“How long would you be gone?”

“a really short time! Like, only a few days. If the world hasn’t ended in the billions of years it’s been around I think it can last a little while under someone else’s supervision.”

“You really only need a baby sitter for that short a time?”

“Yes! See, you could easily do it. If I’ve been doing it for all these years so far, such a short time would be easy.”

“What’s the catch?”

“Nothing! All the people I’ve interviewed will forget and you will start right away. I’m not taking no for an answer. I’ll leave this to you and be right back. Honestly, you can’t mess this up that bad. I can fix pretty much anything you break but I know you’re going to do great!”

“I really don’t want this...”

“At this point, I don’t really care. I need to be gone soon. As soon as I’m gone all my powers will transfer to you. Don’t worry, have some fun with it. Just don’t burn the house down.” And just like that he was gone.

I was suddenly back in my office with my game in front of me like no time had passed.

“I don’t feel any different.” And just like that I went back to my life like nothing changed. I didn’t feel any omnipotence or god like powers. My life went on normally.

Normally, until about two years later.

Nothing special happened in my life during those two years. No near death experiences where I miraculously come out unscathed. No weird mind powers or super human strength.

I was just as I had always been and that was okay with me.

I did get a new job. My old one working as a sandwich artist at the local sub joint was fine and mediocre, but I didn’t like having to deal with customers everyday. This new job was pretty sweet. I was a night clerk at a local motel. The owner was super nice and I didn’t have to interact with people all night long. I was even allowed to bring my laptop and play video games while I worked as long as there was nothing else to do. Like I said, sweet gig.

It had been two years since that fateful interaction with god. I had written it off as a hallucination brought on by too little sleep and had mostly forgotten it. No one else seemed to have had that bizarre interview and there was no catastrophic difference in the world, at least to my knowledge.

It was another night shift at the motel with nothing left to do except play one of my favorite video games. I was absorbed in my duel when I heard a melodic cough of someone clearing their throat way to close to my ear.

The sound nearly threw me to the floor from my office chair.

“Excuse You!?” I was not happy that someone snuck up on my like that.

The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

“What kind of response is that?” I heard a very feminine voice cantor back.

“Ma’am you can’t be back here behind the counter. Is there something I could help you with?” I said at The woman I turned to face. He features were delicate with a thin frame and blemish free skin. She had long brown hair that flowed in a gentile wave and she wore the biggest smile. Her eyes were large and had a subtle brightness.

“Look at you! Slumming it with the mortals. How rustic. I like how down to earth you are... literally. Ha! You seem like a lot of fun. So, what have you been up to?” The woman had a joyous wonder in her speech and shot out words with a quick curiosity.

“Are you staying at the motel? How did you get in here? God, I hate dealing with the crazy’s.”

“Oh! You ARE funny! Now, did you say this is your hotel? I would love to stay. Give me your most entertaining room. I knew I made the right decision popping over to this planet. Greg was always a hoot. And to see he gave his position to a mortal! That’s fantastic! I wish I had thought of that. Maybe my planet would still be around if I just let it run itself.”

“What are you even talking about?” I asked hesitantly. I had a uneasy feeling I didn’t want to know.

“Oh, come on now. You know what I’m talking about. Or have you really not used your position at all yet?”

“I have a bad feeling I know what your talking about but I’m going to need you to confirm it before I acknowledge that possibility.”

“And how should I do that? I’m pretty low on power right now. Loosing all your worshipers in a global catastrophe will do that. Greg really didn’t tell you much before he disappeared, did he? Tell you what, you set me up with a room here at your hotel and I’ll tell you anything you want to know. I could teach you all about divinity.”

“Do you have any money or are you just some crazy person looking for a room for the night?”

“Oh! Humans use currency, I know that much. Let’s see... back home the mortals used livestock, land and whatnot for bartering. Though I’m not sure what this planet uses, would a barrel of wine and some fine animal pelts work?”

“absolutely not. We use currency on this “planet” paper bills and coins. If you can’t pay for the room, crazy or not, I can’t let you stay here.”

“Paper? Why in creation would you want paper for payment?”

“Paper money is just a note that represents an amount of gold or wealth. Though the US dollar isn’t backed by...”

“Oh! You want gold! That’s easy! Just pure elemental metal. That is so much easier to do than an animal pelt or fine wine. Here.”

My eyes went wide as the woman clasped her hands together and started glowing. When she opened her hands there was a fist sized clump of gold wedged in her palm. You could see her hand impressions wrapped around the shiny lump like it was made of clay. When I reached out and touched it, it was solid and warm.

“I guess that will do.” I’m not sure how I’m going to sell this but gold is basically currency.

“Great!” The woman beamed with happiness. She certainly did confirm my fears but I’m just going to ignore that reality for as long as possible.

I pulled out a key from the cabinet behind the counter. “I’ll put you in room 104. That seems fitting.” I smiled at my own little joke and passed out the key.

The woman took it and just stood there smiling at me.

“Do you need me to show you to your room?”

“That would be nice. Lead the way!” She still had that innocent smile plastered across her face. I’m not sure if she is an idiot or just really naive.

I lead her down the hall to her room while she stops and inspects every little thing. She seemed to want to touch everything like she was a toddler.

“This place is really small to hold over one hundred rooms. Is that your doing?”

“No, the owner is the one responsible for that.” It might be a sin making fun of such a nice lady but she was starting to get on my nerves. “This is your room. My shift ends in a couple hours but the day staff will be more that happy to help if you need anything.”

“Oh? Are you leaving already?”

“I work again tonight but the other people working are better equipped to help.”

I used my master key to open the door and wave the woman in. “One more thing. What name should I put in the ledger?”

“My friends call me Lucy.”

“And your last name?”

“Yes, thats the last name I’ve used.”

I guess I kind of walked in to that one. “I’ll just write Lucy then.” If anyone asks I can just say she’s like Cher or something. Having no last name isn’t unheard of. Maybe I can just write Smith. That will probably draw less attention.

Lucy and her way-to-cheerful for this early in the morning smile walked into the room and I left whatever mess that was going to be for the next person.

When my shift ended I still had to stay up and find a place to sell this gold lump. I guess I could just call it an art piece if anyone asks.

———

Everyone asked... I couldn’t find a single reputable gold dealer or pawn shop that would buy this clump of solid gold. One thing I noticed is that people had a hard time holding it. Here I was waving it around like a wad of aluminum foil and the burley man on the other side of the counter had to hold it up with two hands. I’m lucky no one said anything. I couldn’t tell anyone why it looked so light when I held it, because I didn’t even know.

I guess this is my life now. Strangers claiming to be gods, claiming I’m a god. Super strength, free gold, and countless stares. I guess I’m getting ahead of myself. Nothing bad has happened yet. Sure Lucy is loopy but she isn’t trying to kill me like this is Highlander. And I may be able to convince the hotel owner that this gold is good enough payment.

Yeah, the owner seems really nice but I might be pushing my luck giving out rooms to... “friends”.

Anyway, I’m tired and just want to sleep the rest of the day away. That should be enough proof I’m not god. Why would I be tired if I was an all powerful being.