“No man, you have to cook something yourself. Women love men who can cook.”

“Look, you’ve never had my cooking. You know how I can tell? You just suggested that I cook something and you haven’t died of food poisoning yet. Seriously I can’t cook. Not won’t cook, can’t. I had to promise my land lord I wouldn’t ever cook again after the last time.”

“Dude, everyone burns a meal now and then. You’re a smart guy. You just need to find a recipe and follow it. I know you can do it.”

“Okay, I don’t have any faith in my ability but I can always order out and make it look like I cooked it right?”

“I’d advise against that. Just find a recipe that’s simple and romantic and you’ll be able to pop the question.”

“Hey! I’m not asking her to marry me! I’m only asking her to move in. Her lease in about to be up and I think this is the perfect opportunity.”

“Haha! Yeah, when two people move in together they’re basically married. I’m rooting for you.”

“It doesn’t seem like it. It seems like you’re trying to sabotage my night by asking me to cook.”

“Come on! It’s not that hard.”

“How about you help me out and find a super simple recipe. One that seems romantic but also one I can’t mess up too badly.”

“Okay, I’ll send you one later this afternoon on my break. I have to go. My boss is down the hall. If he sees me making a personal call again I’m going to get fired.”

That is my best friend since childhood. She is like a brother to me. We have never even considered romance with each other. She has helped give me relationship advice off and on my entire life. I really think the girl I’m dating now is the one though.

Later that afternoon I got a text from Max about the recipe.

Chicken Parmesan and a salad. How is that easy! There is even a salad dressing recipe! I’m supposed to bread and deep fry the chicken? I don’t know how to do that! And what’s this about egg yolks in the dressing? Don’t you need to cook them first? This is going to be a kitchen nightmare... I’m texting her back.

Mike: “There is now way I can cook that!”

Max: “It’s easier that it looks. I’ll send a video.”

Video: “10 easy steps to a perfect Chicken Parm”

Okay this video is just confusing me. I’ve watched it three times and I still only understand like half of it. I’m going to go to the store after work and see if I can find all the ingredients.

Later at the store...

Why is this chicken so much cheaper than this one? What’s the difference between tenders and thighs? I’ll just get the cheap one and spend more on the other ingredients. My wallet is a little light until payday.

So there are way too many bread crumbs. I really like cornbread so this cornbread breading should be good.

I’ll need eggs, milk, vinegar, oil, and cheese. Ooh! This fancy mozzarella in a block looks cool! For the sauce I need tomatoes. How about cherry tomatoes? They’re sweeter and I think they taste better. Pasta? I have some at home I think. Some random Italian spices. Garlic. Cool! This garlic is black!

Time to get the salad stuff. Kale is supposed to be good right. I need some other type of tomatoes... oh, these ones are green with some weird leaves on the outside.

Who knew carrots came in so many different colors. Purple, orange, red, yellow, white, which one should I choose? Plain orange is always safe but the other colors look fancy. I bet they don’t taste any different. I’ll grab a white and purple carrot. The white ones are bigger so that saves some money. What else? How about cucumbers? These ones are bigger and fatter. These ones are really long. Oh! This one has an Italian sounding name, zucchini. I’ll take one of those because their a bit bigger. Don’t people put fruit in their salads? I think I saw a salad with cranberries. I’ll get some of those. I wonder what fresh cranberries taste like? I’ve only ever had them canned. That should be it.

Wow this is a lot more expensive than I thought. But this is supposed to be a fancy dinner and I don’t have enough time to run around and buy cheaper ingredients. I need to run home and cook this as soon as possible before Sarah comes over.

Made it home in record time! The bus was running ahead of schedule so I lucked out. Time to start cooking!

So, I’ll start with the salad because that seems easiest. Toss the kale in a bowl. Cut up the green tomatoes, white carrot, and cucumber. Next I need to make the dressing. It calls for 6 egg yolks. Ah, I got a bunch of the whites mixed in! It should be fine though. Next I need to mix it with some olive oil and vinegar. Toss in a bunch of salt and sugar. I’ll put in a bunch of the Italian spices to match the rest of the dish.

Hmm... the oil won’t mix in. Oh! The eggs are raw. That means I need to cook it! I’ll let it simmer on the stove while I cook the chicken.

Dip the chicken in egg. Then coat it in the cornbread mix. Add a bunch of spices and salt. A pinch of sugar. And put it in the oil on the stove. While that’s heating up I’ll start the sauce.

Crush the cherry tomatoes. Add a bunch of salt, sugar, and spices. It said to add some carrot and I have a bunch of that white carrot left. While that’s cooking I’ll make the pasta.

This is something I can do! Just peal the lid, add the water, and heat in the microwave. The cheese and macaroni will go great with the chicken.

The chicken just started boiling so I should turn it down to a simmer and wait... 5 minutes it says. Stir the tomato sauce. Make sure that the dressing doesn’t burn. Crap, it started to burn on the bottom but I think I caught it in time. Why is the dressing all clumpy? I guess it’s done. Just pour it over the salad and set that on the table.

Now to put it together and cook it in the oven to melt the cheese.

It looks like the cheese is already melty but I should put it in anyway just to make sure. A layer of macaroni on the bottom. Then a layer of sauce. Then the chicken and top it all off with the cheese.

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Crap, look at the time! Sarah is going to be here any minute. What the flip is moderate temperature! I guess it means like warm enough to melt the cheese but not enough to burn you? 200 degrees Fahrenheit should work. It needs ten minutes. I’ll set the table and light a candle.

Why is the oven smoking! It shouldn’t be hot enough to burn! Wait, the smoke is purple. Why is it swirling through the air like that?

A woman with small black horns and a really ornate black dress just appeared in my kitchen from the swirling smoke.

“WHAT!”

The woman turned to me and scowled at my shout.

“How rude! You summoned me here and now you’re yelling at me. You pathetic mortal don’t know who you’re dealing with!”

“No I seriously do not...”

“I am the demon queen Xylia from the inner circle of hell! You should kneel before myself and grovel at my feet and perhaps I’ll spare your miserable existence!”

“So, I summoned a demon queen from hell? Does that make you my slave or like, summoned familiar?”

“How dare you! Your life is now forfeit!”

The woman just grabbed a wooden spoon from the sauce pot on the stove and swung it at me.

Crap! I left the burner on! The pan is going to burn.

Sauce splattered everywhere while she whipped the spoon in my direction.

She just realized that she grabbed a spoon. Wait why is she smiling like that! That’s not a knife you know. If you were to try to kill me with a spoon, it’s either going to do nothing or... be really painful... yeah, she’s smiling like this is going to hurt.

With one swing at my neck I dodge out of the way but there isn’t anywhere to go in such a cramped kitchen.

How did that spoon just dent my fridge like it was made of paper!

The spoon broke...

Now she has the sauce pan. Wait it you hold it over your head like that...

Plop...

Yeah, if I laugh now it’s only going to make my death more painful later.

“What is this?”

“It’s my dinner. Wait, that should be really hot you know.”

“Why would a demon queen from the inner circle of hell get burned by just this? Anyway, this tastes really good! Is there any left?”

“I made a bunch for my dinner tonight with my girlfriend. You can take some if you promise not to kill me.”

“I will promise not to kill you... for now.”

The sauce covering her head and shirt suddenly disappears in a whiff of purple smoke and she looks perfectly clean. Was that magic?! Okay, that solves it, she really is a demon from hell then. I’m screwed.

Just then the front door that leads into the kitchen opens up.

“Hey...”

She said that while her face goes from a smile to a frown and looks between the fancy dressed woman with horns and me.

“Was this supposed to be a cosplay party?”

Sarah gave me a strange look. A look that was somewhere between wasn’t this supposed to be a small romantic dinner and what are you doing with another woman.

“Oh, no. This is just...”

“Xylia, demon queen of the inner circles of hell.”

Great, the crazy woman cut me off. Not that I knew what I was going to say next but that didn’t help the situation.

“She’s just a friend who is REALLY into cosplay and role playing.”

“What is this ‘cosplay’? Is it something sexual? Because this puny mortal wouldn’t be able to handle a night alone with me.”

There she goes again making this worse. I guess I could be dead with a spoon sticking out of my caved in head. One problem at a time.

“She is just really method. Go with it and it will be easier.”

I think I’m about as good at damage control as I am at cooking.

“Okay, but I thought you said we were going to have a romantic dinner in.”

“You see, Xylia here dropped by unexpected and it seems that she’s staying for dinner. Oh, I cooked!”

The look of horror slowly shifted to disgust as I took the pan of food out of the oven.

“Oh! It looks like I was right to have spared your life. This food looks fit for a demon queen.”

Sarah looked from the pan to Xylia and a smile crept across her face.

“Let’s see how method you are. You said that ‘food’ looks appetizing. Let’s see you eat it.”

It doesn’t look that bad. The steam being tinted a shade of green is just my imagination right? This actually looks like one of the better meals I’ve cooked.

“I set the table for two but I can add an extra seat.”

I gave a weak smile. How did she know I was a bad cook. The look of horror that flashed across her face when I said I had cooked came before I took out the food. This couldn’t be that bad, I followed the recipe after all.

The two women... one woman and a demon... followed me to the dining room and they sat while I set an extra place in front of Sarah. She looked incredulous when Xylia took the seat with the plate across from my place. She did get a seat next to me though.

Sarah smiled as I served her and Xylia before myself. She was staring at Xylia as if she was waiting for her worst enemy to explode. Why all the hate so quick?

“Thanks for the food!” I said and went to take a fork full of macaroni.

It wasn’t so bad. It tasted just like my mac’n cheese normally does.

The evil smile Sarah was giving off quickly changed to shocked concern as Xylia brought a whole chicken thigh, dripping oil, to her mouth on a fork. Was chicken supposed to be pink?

“You don’t have to eat that! I was just messing with you! You’re going to make yourself sick!” Sarah said from across the table.

“It actually doesn’t taste bad.” I responded.

“How can you even stand the smell! Also, the chicken is raw! You could get sick.”

I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I don’t smell anything strange.

“I happen to prefer my chicken rare. Though this may be considered medium rare. However the food is absolutely demonic! I haven’t had anything this good since my mother cooked for me as a child.”

“How nostalgic...” Sarah seemed defeated at this point. I don’t know what she’s making a fuss about, the food tasted just fine.

“I don’t smell anything strange?” I thought aloud.

“There is something wrong with you, with both of you.”

“If you’re not going to eat that I’ll finish it.” Xylia said with her fork pointing at Sarah’s plate.

How had she finished all that food so fast? I guess demons are fast eaters.

The look of anger that Sarah gave off as the demon woman grabbed her plate before she could respond turned into a gag as the demoness scarfed down her second plate of food.

“I didn’t know you could eat chicken bones.” I thought aloud.

“You can’t...” Sarah responded while looking away from the table. She looked like her skin was turning green.

“What are you talking about?” The demon queen responded while dabbing her mouth with a napkin. “The crunchy bits give the chicken more flavor. It may have been a little overdone though. I don’t normally eat meat this well done unless it’s blackened. All in all, this meal was a satisfactory exchange for me to spare your life.”

The demon woman just sat there smiling and staring off into the distance with a thoughtful expression on her face.

“Well, I think I need to go back to my apartment and do some apartment searching. Maybe next time we get together for a romantic meal I will cook.”

Sarah got up and made a bee line for the door only stopping briefly to grab her purse.

Was it just me or is she holding her breath?

Now what am I going to do? We didn’t even get to eat the salad... I guess I’ll toss it in the fridge for tomorrow. I was really hoping I could have a nice night in and set the mood perfectly for when I asked her to move in with me. I spent all day worrying about tonight and it was ruined by some crazy demon woman from hell.

After setting all the leftovers in the fridge I noticed Mrs. Crazy still daydreaming in the dining room.

“Umm... do you need me to call a cab?”

“A what? What’s that?” The woman looked at me with a blank expression giving nothing away.

“I mean do you need me to help you get home somehow?”

The woman nodded her head in understanding.

“Okay, what do I...”

“No. I’m good. I could use a few decades off. I might even use up that vacation time I have built up.”

The woman got up and walked around the table to reach the living room.

“So, do you have somewhere to stay?” Why did I say that. I might as well have offered to let her stay here. How am I going to get rid of her without signing my own death warrant?

Please don’t say you’re staying here. Please don’t ask to spend the night here. Please don’t kill me. Please don’t...

“I think this will do for now. At least it’s not cold. It could be cleaner but you can work on that while I rest for the night. Where is the master room?”

Don’t wander around rummaging through my stuff!

“I have a spare bedroom that’s pretty empty right now...” because I was making room for if Sarah moved in... “I could set up a cot.”

I’m glad she doesn’t have laser vision. If she did I would be dead right now. I can almost feel her stare burning into me right now anyway.

“I think this room will do nice enough.”

Wait! That’s my room! Where am I going to sleep?

“Okay, have a nice night.” I smiled and bid her farewell from the other end of the hall.

I guess the couch isn’t that uncomfortable...