Eric came to his senses slowly, bit by bit. It felt as if the senses in his body were starting up one by one in some pre-determined sequence. The first thing he became aware of was terrible uneasiness, a mix of nausea, pain, and something sitting heavily, deep in his chest. Then he realized he had some difficulties breathing. It felt like he could only inhale a small portion of the air he usually could.

That alarmed him, making him open his eyes. His eyes were heavy, and his vision started swimming around as soon as his eyes were open, followed by a terrible sense of disorientation.

“Wha … wha …” he raved as his mind struggled to understand what was happening.

“Can you hear me?” He heard a commanding female voice say.

“Ya … yes … I can …”

“Good.”

“Whe … where am I?”

“You’re back in my lair.”

“Lair?”

“Are you blind?”

“I … I don’t know … everything is so …”

“You just came back from the dead.”

“… dead?”

“You died and then got back to life.”

“Wha … how?”

He saw some kind of shadow fill his vision.

“Do you remember me?”

“I can’t … really see … anything.”

“Hmm … I’m not an expert in healing … but it looks like you’ll need to be nursed back to health. Funny how you can hear and understand me perfectly, though.”

“I’m not … I’m sick and disoriented … I’m not sure …”

“Ok, fine. Here, take this. Open your mouth.”

Eric opened his mouth feebly.

“Damn, your mouth is so dry. Here, take some water first. Good … good boy. Don’t choke yourself on it.”

After saying that, the female let out a chuckle, and it slowly started coming back to him.”

“You … I know that voice … I know that … stupid, snobby chuckle.”

“Oh, you do?”

“Yeah. You’re that … devil chick … I can’t … P something. Can’t really … remember the name right now.”

“Yeah, you got that right. I’m your owner, and you’re my slave. But even though you’re my slave, I’m kind and magnanimous towards you, no matter how much you fuck up. And I always come to save your stupid ass, just like now.”

“Oh … your words are somehow making me even more sick.”

That made her laugh: “Ok, now that your mouth is wet, let’s start with the real thing. Open your mouth again and stop talking.”

Eric did as he was told and soon heard a bottle uncorking.

“I’m going to feed you a healing potion now. I don’t know how to make one, but I found a few of them on some adventurers. It won’t heal your condition completely, but it will make it easier for you to recover. Now, I don’t know how it will taste, but you have to swallow it all. You have to swallow it if you want to heal. Understood?”

“I … never liked … medicine …”

“Either you will swallow it on your own, or I’ll force-feed it to you. Don’t be a little bitch, and it will be over soon.”

“Ok … I understand.”

She put the small bottle on his lips and slowly poured its contents into his mouth.

“Look at this greedy bitch go!” She commented teasingly while pouring the liquid, “That’s right, be a good, little bitch and swallow it all.”

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

As soon as he did, Eric responded: “You’re enjoying this way too much, aren’t you?”

“You’re in this position through no one’s fault but your own.”

“Don’t divert the conversation. I know you always wanted to say something like that. Something stereotypical and cringey.”

“Ah, it looks like it’s already working. You can form longer sentences now.”

“Oh? I … I guess that’s right. My disorientation is getting better, too. And my nausea.”

“But the healing potion won’t fix everything. You’ll have to take it easy for a while.”

“So … now that I can talk somewhat … what the hell happened?”

“You ran into adventurers and got shot with some arrows.”

“I know that. But how am I alive?”

“I fixed you.”

“With magic?”

“Yes. But I’m not a healing mage, so I didn’t do such a good job. You probably remember how I healed the cut I gave you before. When you wanted me to drain some of your blood.”

“… ah, yes.”

“I can do something like that, but I need to concentrate fully, and my magic efficiency is terrible at it. I’m just not specialized in those things. So, I opened your chest up, made sure to get the blood and arrows out of your damaged lung, and then I started slowly and painstakingly stitching your lung together with what little healing magic I know.”

“You said that I died.”

“Well … that depends on what you consider death to be. I made sure your heart kept on pumping, that your healthy lung was still working, and that your brain was supplied with blood, but most other things ceased to work.”

“So … I’m not undead?”

“No … to your dismay, you’re not.”

“I thought … one of those adventurers asked if I’m your thrall, so I thought that maybe you brought me back as undead.”

“Undead don’t get nauseous.”

“Ah … good to know.”

She cleared her throat, shifting in place: “Now, I have patched you up and you can live again, but I have no idea how good of a job I did. Once again, I’m not a healing mage. There’s a good chance I didn’t repair your lungs well or that something else isn’t working like it should. That means you will almost certainly have your life shortened and will have some serious chronic issues. But that’s certainly better than being dead.”

“I agree. Thank you Phisola.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I really mean it. I understand I’m … I was very unprofessional and undiplomatic. I was very stupid and childish.”

“I understand that. A coward like you isn’t equipped to deal with stress properly, so it’s only natural you’d have nervous breakdowns over trivial shit. I’m surprised you lasted that long though, considering you grew up in a pussyfied society.”

That drew a smile on his sickly face: “You’re right. My society has never prepared me for it. Even though I’m supposed to be a diplomat.”

“But look,” she scratched the back of her head idly, “just take it easy for a while, ok? Don’t even try walking. I have patched you up and got you together, but that doesn’t mean your body is as good as it used to be. And you’re probably dehydrated, your stomach hasn’t worked in a while … don’t be stupid and take your time to heal properly. Call me if you need anything, and I’ll take care of it.”

“My stomach didn’t work in a while? How long have I been out of it?”

“I’m not sure … it must’ve been a week or two.”

“A week or two? How the fuck did that work?”

“I told you, there’s a good chance some parts of your body didn’t work at all. And … well …”

“What? Do I already have some long-lasting consequences?”

“You probably do, but I know nothing of it yet. We’re yet to see what doesn’t work right. Hmm …”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“I’m not a diplomat, ok? So I don’t know how to say this properly.”

“Say what?”

“I had to spend a lot of blood to keep you alive.”

“Blood?”

“The blood we stored in the cauldron.”

“Oh … for a moment, I thought you used your blood.”

“You wish! But I had to spend most of it, so we’re more or less back where we started. Well … not really. There’s even less blood in the cauldron than when you’ve joined me, so the situation is even worse than when we started.”

“So …”

“So we’re not leaving this place anytime soon.”

Eric’s posture relaxed as he stared at the ceiling idly.

“How bad is it?” He asked after a while.

“Our blood situation?”

“Yes.”

“We can always increase our efforts, but I have a hard time believing I’ll be able to summon a portal before you become old.”

“Aha …”

“It’s all your fault, though.”

“Yes … it is … I know …”

He was silent for a few moments before looking her in the eye.

“Thank you for helping me. You didn’t have to bring me back to life, but you did, and I appreciate that.”

“Honestly, I don’t know why I did it. You’re not worth it.”

He gave her a smile: “Oh yes, I know.”

But her face stayed serious: “I’m not trying to be funny. You’re not worth it, period. You’re not super hot, you’re not smart, you’re not capable, and you have no useful skills whatsoever. Not just that, but you’re also mentally frail and childish.”

She sat next to him, holding her knees with her hands while looking at the floor: “And yet, I couldn’t let you go. And I hate myself for it.”

“You hate yourself for helping me?”

“Yes. Yes, I honestly do. I hate myself for being so irrational. I’ve never acted so irrationally in my life. There are no merits to having you around, besides the fact that you’re helping me alleviate some boredom. But even then, you’re much more of a nuisance than an asset. Even then, you cause far more trouble than you’re worth.”

She turned her head to look at him: “And yet, I can’t kill you for some reason. Or let you be killed. I had no issues with removing troublesome companions before, so what is different this time? I’d understand if you were somehow special, but you have nothing going for you. Your looks are … average, your skills are non-existent … even your dick is mediocre at best. So I can’t help but feel frustrated by the fact that I just can’t let you go. It makes no sense for me to go so far for you, and that’s what’s pissing me off.”

Eric listened to her words as carefully as he could: “Hmm … so, you think I’m not special?”

“What is special about you? Because I don’t see anything.”

“And I’m not. I’m just your regular, run-of-the-mill human who worked hard to get an education. But that doesn’t make me special. However, I don’t think I need to be special to be special to you.”

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” She gave him a serious glare.

He responded with a genuine, wide smile that only served to annoy her even further.

“You’ll understand once your puberty finally ends.”