It didn’t take them long to reach the first trap. To Eric, it looked like some clutter on the side of the trail, and he only realized it was something important once Phisola swung the bag she carried and started taking something out of it.

“Here, take this,” she said while handing him a large trowel, “and peel them off. I usually do this myself, but since there isn’t much you can do, at least you should do this.”

“Peel off what?”

“The critters, you idiot!” She said while pointing at the trap with her hand.

Taking a closer look at it, Eric realized what she was talking about. A pile of rodents was in front of him, glued to something in the middle.

“Are these things alive?” He asked.

“Are you serious? Do you think you would survive that?”

Not wanting to arouse her wrath by asking more questions, he got an even better look at the rodents. It didn’t take him long to realize that the parts of their bodies that were glued to the object in the middle were practically melted.

“What the fuck is this? What kind of trap is it?”

“Just peel them off, and you’ll see.”

“I have no idea what I’m peeling them off from! I don’t want to damage the thing! Or even worse, get my hand melted away!”

“It’s fine, it won’t melt you right away. It takes time, and you’re large enough to escape its pulling aura.”

“But what is in the middle?” He asked while carefully getting the trowel closer to the object surrounded by dead critters, “What is it made from?”

“It’s just a simple enchantment. It’s a regular glass bottle, enchanted with some magic.”

“What kind of magic?” He asked as he got down on all fours and started scraping the rodents slowly.

“First is a charm that works on animals. It essentially emulates the food they like, and the other one is a blood-draining spell.”

“Ah. So that’s why they look so dried out. This thing sucked them dry.”

“Good. It’s nice to see you follow basic logic.”

“How long have they been here? I mean, when was the last time you checked this thing out? These carcasses look old.”

“They’re not. It’s been just a few days.”

“Damn! This thing did them real good then. But … ok, I understand the charm has worked on the first one, but shouldn’t the rest of them see their dead family members glued to the bottle and turn away?”

“Have you ever been charmed?”

“Only by you.”

That made her smile from ear to ear, “Ha! Hahaha! Nice try!”

“Thanks. I try my best.”

“But no, I didn’t use any charms on you. Don’t blame me for being a lowly male with no self-control and falling for the first girl you see.”

“Now, that’s not nice. I complimented you, and you’ve returned it with insults. That’s not how you build healthy relationships with people.”

“And how do you expect me to respond when you insult my intelligence like that? You actually thought that such a lame compliment would get you on my good side.”

“I wasn’t trying to get on your good side, I just thought it would be a funny distraction from handling corpses. But feel free to read into it much more than necessary.”

“Hmm … ok, fine. At least you’re good at diplomacy and deescalating tensions.”

“Should I get offended at your compliment now?”

“Aaand … you blew it up,” she said with amusement in her voice.

“Look, just because deescalating tensions is in my nature, that doesn’t mean I’m ok with taking shit from other people. Sure, I can take more than most, but even I have to jab back sometimes.”

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

“Done scraping yet?”

“Almost. Is this … is this a glass bottle?”

“Yes it is, genius. I already told you it’s a glass bottle! And it’s full of blood, so don’t damage it!”

“Ah, so that’s it. But … ah.”

“Why are you ah-ing so much?”

“I’m answering my own question so as not to bother you, my lady. I know how much you hate it when I ask questions.”

“The blood gets in through the glass. But while it can get in, it can’t get out.”

“Thanks to magic, I guess.”

“Yes. The precise mechanisms are way too complicated for a non-mage to understand, so we’ll leave it at that.”

“So basically: it’s magic, I don’t have to explain shit.”

“Exactly! We don’t want your brain cooking off from way too much thought.”

“Clearly, yours cooked off a long time ago. Hey!” He yelled as he felt Phisola kick him in the butt.

“You’re talking way too much shit for someone in such a submissive position,” right after saying that, she gave him yet another not-so-strong kick.

“Stop it, unless you want me to crack the bottle! You can’t kick me while handling fragile glass and expect nothing to happen!”

“I didn’t even kick you, pussy. That was just a playful tap. Besides, I can see you’re already done.”

“Yes, I’m done with it. Now what?”

“You go and dispose of those carcasses while I get the intellectual job done.”

“Where should I drop them?”

“Anywhere but here. The further away, the better. Just make sure to throw them all in the same direction.”

“Do you have something to collect them with?”

“Ah, yes,” she got back to her bag, pulling a short, flat shovel out of it, “Here, take this.”

“Ok, nice. You have a nice set of gardening tools. In a cave.”

“There are all kinds of adventurers. Not all of them are fighters.”

“By the way, I thought we would nail these critters above that large cauldron in your camp. Are we not going to do that?” He asked.

“What would be the fucking point? They’re already dry. We nail the ones we catch with our hands, these are useless to us as they are. Now go and throw them away already!”

“Ok, I’m … going to dispose of these poor creatures. But wait!” He gave her a frightened stare, “What if some monster attacks me while we’re separated?”

“Well, in that case, I guess you’re dead,” she said while squatting next to the bottle and turning her back on him.

Eric stared at her back for a while. Even though she was focused on the bottle and couldn’t see him, Phisola could feel his stare but did her best to ignore it. And even though she did her best to look busy, her commandeering nature didn’t let her ignore it for long.

Finally, she turned around, looking quite irritated: “What, should I go with you? Should I escort you like a little kid?”

“I have no magic to defend myself with. You could at least give me some proper weapon.”

“A weapon, huh? Oh, fuck me! Here!” She did a little bunny hop while squatting to reach the bag and dove into it again, “Here, take this with you! That’s the best we have right now!”

“A knife?” Eric asked as he pulled it out of a small sheath.

“We didn’t bring anything better with us! Actually, I don’t have anything better in my lair! It’s not like I have a use for weapons. Besides the club, that is. A club is extremely useful.”

“I think I’ll be better off with a knife. Now, a good spear would be nice.”

“Well, we don’t have one! Actually, you know what? If something does come after you, throw those carcasses at it! I don’t think any beast would refuse a free meal. Throw those carcasses at it and run back screaming. Then I’ll come to save you.”

“Do you have a torch or something? Animals are scared of fire, and I did manage to chase them away with it earlier.”

“And why would I need a torch?” Phisola said while producing a small flame in the palm of her hand.

“Oh, I … I see. Well then … I’ll be off then. I’ll be off to become someone’s lunch or something.”

“Stop being a pussy and go already!”

-----

“Still alive, huh?” Phisola said as Eric returned, sitting on the ground with her legs spread and arms crossed.

“Yeah. Nothing came after me,” his face turned shocked once he saw her posture, “Is that how you’re usually sitting?”

“Lately, yes,” she responded, getting up slowly, “What, do you mind?”

“No, it’s … it just hints at something, that’s all.”

An amused smile showed up on her face: “You disgusting fuck! Do you really think this is a proper place?”

“I don’t know how it is where you came from, but in my world, women don’t wait for their men naked and with their legs open unless they have something specific in mind.”

“Oh, really? That’s perfectly normal where I come from. There is nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all.”

She approached him and patted him on the head like a child: “Aww, did I get your hopes up?”

“No, I … it just looked strange, that’s all.”

“Aww, you poor thing,” her left brow rose suggestively, “Would you actually have a go at it?”

“No, I’m good. Thanks, but no thanks. And you’re right, this isn’t a proper place for any of it.”

She put her hands behind her back, rising up on her toes for a brief moment: “Good. I like my males logical. Well, my pet males, that is. And congratulations on passing yet another test.”

Eric shook his head in disbelief: “What kind of stupid test is this? Asking me if I wanna fuck in a dark cave where monsters can catch us from any side, and right next to a bloody mess?”

“Not that, silly! I was talking about going alone.”

“What about it?”

“You may not be the smartest person, but when going alone, you proved that I don’t have to hand-hold you like a child. So you won’t be way too much of a burden.”

“I’m glad to see that putting my life at risk has improved your mood.”

“You were never at risk. You could take only one path, and it’s completely safe. It leads back to our camp, and nothing can approach it without me knowing about it.”

“I take it there is some magic bullshittery at work?”

“Yes. So I knew you weren’t at risk. But the important thing is that you went even though you thought you were. That earned you some points.”

“Oh, boy, I’m so glad! But can you please let me know the next time? How can I trust you when everything turns out to be some kind of lame test?”

“Oh, don’t be a drama queen!” She grabbed him by the shoulder, shaking it gently, “You’ve done well! You should feel good about the praise you’ve received, not be butthurt about it! Now, come on! The blood won’t collect itself!”