Bonus Special Story: When a Squid came to visit... (Part 2)
(Loop) Year 1 Day 187 (10:21 Wednesday, April 1th 2015) (Things got very complicated with time loops and such...)
Sliding along at the speed of fluid (It's wetter than sound) I head out to have a look at what my charming human priestesses are doing. The goddess of Martyrs is with them but, meh. She doesn't rate highly enough to get that kind of treatment, just as she prefers. Masochists. The only existence that thrives on absorbing disdain. She certainly has developed a taste for being tentacle whipped.
I slide around a little until I find their response. I may have tapped into most of the security cameras of a small city... a lot of very lax internet security systems around here.
Clothing store. Should have known.
Hmm... perhaps I might get to see a side of them I seldom do? I understand the twins are just starting to get more affectionate with each other, perhaps I can get an eyeful of something kinky...
I slide through the store. Martyr's guarding the changing room! Perfect timing!
…
Please! The mind bleach! Give it to me!
(Shudder)
I should have known better. Voyeurism is bad. Repeat after me folks, voyeurism is bad.
That was most definitely not my twins. Or anything recognizably human for that matter...
I find them at the far end looking at baby clothes. Oh, right. We have kids at the moment.
Such a shame. I was kind of excited over the forbidden sights that I ended up seeing the ones that should be deliberately sealed away and buried for all time.
To cleanse myself I return to Martyr then tease her with ice-touch as I cover her entirety with a fine film of me in water form. This is in public too, which only makes her more excited. Sure I have no great feelings toward her, but her body is finer than silk. More than enough reason to ravish her. Repeatedly.
After which I leave her, shuddering and smiling vacantly slumped against the wall. The twins may not understand the finer points of money or for that matter how to buy things, I did have one thing stashed away in preparation for this day... a credit card. Let them max out the card for all I care, as long as they are happy.
I do quickly fondle their backsides in passing however for my own pleasures.
It got a coy gasp in tandem. I left my hands cold, so they know it was me.
However I'm glad because: Free time!
Now to do all the things I ever wanted to do, but never could... because I'd die.
TRAINSURFING!
Zoom... splat!
That was awesome! Did you see the way that bridge cut me in half?! It was even better when the second train cut the rest of me to pieces!
What next?
BASE-JUMPING WITHOUT A PARACHUTE!
As I dive off a particularly tall building I notice a man falling alongside.
“Hi! It's a great day to splatter on the pavement, isn't it?” [Cal]
“Of all the luck, last few moments beside a drugged up loony.” [Suicidal man]
“Reincarnation is real, y'know. You can't escape karma... god (me) knows I tried.” [Cal]
“It's all a bit late for regret now, you realize?” [Suicidal man]
“I think you have a long walk ahead of you if you want to die...” [Cal]
Converting my body to foam I cushion the impact of his fall to almost nothing.
The man stares at me silently as I revert back to Cal, street clothes edition after hocking him up like flem.
“Well, good luck! If you really do want to die just go to the roof of the building and jump again. I'm a god and even I can't promise you the next body will be better. In fact you're lucky you have some control over your fate. Next time you may end up in agony or miserable and helpless for the rest of your natural life.” [Cal] “Ta ta!”
“You said you were a god? Can I ask you for a wish?” [Depressed man]
“I'm a god, not a genie. I don't do wishes. Favors however... well as long as it doesn't take long and isn't unpleasant.” [Cal]
“Why are we robbing a bank, again?” [Cal]
“Because I need the money!” [Desperate man]
“Now tell me the reason that isn't insane.” [Cal]
“You're a god.” [Dangerous man]
“Oh, right. Well then, shall we begin?” [Cal]
The cameras are frozen, check.
The guns and radios of the security guards are also frozen, check and check.
Alarm buttons frozen, check.
Done, naturally I jump up to a teller window with my finger pointed like a gun. I'm wearing the appearance of Yosemite Sam, just for reference. I think people realize it is a disguise...
“This here's a stick up! Gimme all the money!” [Cal]
“Security.” [Bored sounding teller]
“Secured.” [Cal]
Officers are crawling around, shoes frozen together.
I point my finger to the roof and shoot with my thumb. A pulse of super-pressurized water cuts into the sky, through the roof.
“I said: gimme all the money!” [Cal]
I receive a pile of loose change. I reach in, pluck out the dye pack, delaying the release and toss it back to the teller, where it goes off.
“I think that was yours.” [Cal] “Also here's your change...” I create a pile of gems from permafrost. “That should cover the damage and the withdrawal. Have a nice day. Oh and for a few more seconds I believe I can still say... April Fools~”
“What the Hell?! You can make gems? Why did we go through all of this?” [Desperate man]
“Because you asked?” [Cal] “Anyway, enjoy your ill gotten loot. I hope it does you some good. In the mean-time I'm going to visit the International Space Station.” I throw the bag to him.
“Wait! But, the getaway! The police are coming!” [Desperate man]
I shrug. “Karma's a bitch, didn't I warn you about that?”
“But you're a criminal too!” [Criminal man]
“Duh, I'm not human. I can't be legally tried or convicted anywhere on Earth unless the Inquisition comes after me for heresy. Who knows, it might happen. They do say that no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.” [Cal] “Also even if they do slot me into the laws, I can't be tried retroactively. Ergo: I'm not a criminal. Besides I paid for the damages and cash, didn't I? I'm just some innocent guy you duped.”
I pause before muttering: “Well I suppose technically I could still get pinned with credit card fraud and animal licensing laws or something... No! I don't want to be put down by PETA or get micro-chipped and fixed!”
Bursting into sub-sonic flight I race to the nearest PETA facility.
I spray paint their building with the slogans: 'Pets are people too!' and 'If fur is murder, then PETA are war criminals!”
Satisfied I turn and squirt until I reach orbit. Yes I know it is usually burn, but I'm liquid remember?
I glance around.
Huh. No Greys. The aliens I mean not the color. Just a couple of ordinary lizard-people in a passing UFO and a gremlin clinging to my shoulder.
I look at the little twerp, who seems to really want to take a bite out of me.
“Where did you come from?” [Cal]
“Twilight Zone.” [Gremlin in a familiar tone]
“Ah. I remember that scene from the movie...” [Cal]
“Can I hitch a ride? I won't do nothin'.” [Gremlin]
I narrow my eyes at him. “How stupid do you think I am?” I give him a forehead flick and send him tumbling toward forever. By which I mean, the sun.
Centuries later he would nearly be the cause of a great space-shuttle disaster as they carried a tour past Venus. Not that I could possibly know.
“Or could I? Dun dun dun.” [Cal]
Anywho... just for the heck of it I mess with the current occupants of the space station, pressing my face up to the glass from the outside and mouthing “HI!” with a wave. One of them is shouting something in Russian. I think it was “Holy crap, there's someone who hasn't been subjected to a horrible diet or bone and muscular degradation due to lack of gravity at the window! Or zero gee poop! Man that stuff gets everywhere... Oh no here it comes again!”
Yeah, I think I'll pass on that visit after all.
On the way back down I collide with a Foxtel satellite. Damn you and your clutter, Rupert Murdoch! I kick it, accidentally starting a chain reaction that days later destroys the Hubble telescope.
What, should I be remorseful? There isn't much to see out there anyway, except infinity. Trust me, I looked.
On the way back down I pass by some moron in a high altitude balloon, flipping him the bird. He jumps after me. Was it something I said?
Eh? He froze to death half way down. I post a message to the Darwin awards, recommending him before he hits the ground. With pictures. What? I borrowed his phone. He wasn't using it. Also I might have used him for a puppet in the last few moments.
I burst into acrobatics over the east coast of the US.
At least until some jackass cop tries to pull me over.
So I naturally stop, to pull out my (fake) ID. Made it (out of) myself.
The moron just zooms past at the speed of sound.
What? Since when have the police been using interceptor jets?
I didn't know about it, I have been gone a year and a half.
Hey, hey, HEY! That is not appropriate behavior for an officer of the law! You do not launch heat seeking missiles at people! Not that they'll detect anything from me at room temperature but still...
Hey there's two more of them, maybe they'll talk some sense into... nope. More irrational hatred.
It's because I'm Blue isn't it?! I can't help that! I'm currently water!
I tell you, racial discrimination sure is getting worse these days. What is with all the hatred towards those of us from ethnic minorities?! You rob one bank, send a satellite out of orbit and scare a cosmonaut and suddenly you're top of the Most Wanted list.
I really feel oppressed here because I'm Blue. Solidarity my Smurf and Navi brothers and sisters! But then I hear it isn't easy being green either.
I switch to hot pink. Now I feel FABULOUS!
A laser guided missile bursts beside me.
Ow.
That almost hurt.
SQUID ANGRY!
SQUID SMASH!
I lash out with a slash of permafrost, cutting the cockpit off the first jet. A spear of water pierces the engines of the second, sending the plane into a spiral.
The third rams me, which really only allows me to catch hold of his machine.
Walking up the nose of the aircraft I wave a scolding finger.
“Uh uh uh. Bad pilot.” [Cal] “Walk off all that aggression.”
I pull him from the plane, through the canopy using his own water-content. I glide back to pilot number one currently floating on a parachute. I place parachute-lacking pilot number three on him.
The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.
“Hug him, hug him like your life depends on it!” I laugh. “Next time be aware I won't be so nice. I'll pants you as you fall!”
Done I return to my usual color and jet away.
You know, all of this is kinda fun, messing with the military.
Just for the heck of it I spend the next few hours taunting a certain dictator about his height, childish features and pretense of godhood. Also every attempt of his military to stop me.
I return to check on Cuthbert and Francis, since my day is rapidly ending... I'm also crossing far too many time-zones. At least I'm not going to pull any of that stupid Superman nonsense. You can't turn back time by reversing a planet's rotation. All you do is cause disasters and death. Trust me I know. I checked that time I dropped a birthday cake around 79,000 years from now. I kind of knew it wouldn't work, but I did say I'd do everything I could do to fix it.
It is kind of why I don't do wishes anymore. That and someone wished for a few hours alone with Charie. I don't need to explain the end result. But I will anyway. I made them bleed out every orifice until they crumpled, then force fed it back to him. As a frozen spike up the ass. Understand when I say, I the lord thy god am a jealous Squid.
I high-fifteen Cuthbert and nod hello to Francis. She seems to be enjoying the attention, posing for the cameras. The bridge is currently covered by a crowd of people, most of them army with a regular alphabet soup of organizations mixed in. They never could play well with others...
I descend from on-high. Glittering ice crystals heralding my graceful landing.
I greet them with an aloof look and a cold stare.
There is a pause as they try to devise strategies for diplomacy.
I just grab the nearest guy by the shoulders and offer a humble greeting.
“Wassup?” [Cal]
“Eh? I... ah mean...” [Man from some organization that is only represented by three letters]
“Do you understand what we are yet? I mean I've had some fun and multiple people have tried to kill me, surely you have an inkling?” [Cal] “I'll give you a hint. We aren't locals. Except for me.”
“Alien?” [FBI] “I want to believe you.”
“No no no. We aren't aliens. I'd even consider aliens locals too. No we're extra-planar.” [Cal]
“What?” [Confused FBI]
“Other dimensional. You know 2D, 3D, I'd suspect we are from one of the more exotic ones.” [Cal] “Considering we have magic, instant evolutions and supervisory gods orders of magnitude more powerful than humans.”
The guy shrewdly looks at me. “Is that what you claim to be?”
“Yep. However as the banner says, I'm a local. A former Earthing. I just happened to reincarnate there and get an inside track to exceptionally fast evolution. From a lowly squid to the grand existence that you see before you today.” I shrug. “Not that you believe even half of it. I will however prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am what I say I am.”
I snap my fingers. Now I wait.
All across the world chronic masturbators are interrupted by my face. I suppose a lot just go with it, but still I'm sure I got their attention, hijacking their jack off material.
“Hello, those struggling with the one-eyed whale and... ladies. I know some of you fit in neither category but still please a moment of your time, since I the god of the internet speak to you.” [Cal] “After that please return to your grinding and sweating.”
“Now it has come to my attention that few people believe that I am a god, even as I am clearly taking over the spank material for several billion. So for an hour I'm going to change semen into ambrosia that makes you younger and healthier... why? Because I kind of want to see just how far you'll go trying to convince people, imagine what happens when the grannies catch on. Oh and don't go forcing people or you will quite literally explode. To smithereens.” [Cal] “No one under the legal age of consent either. It won't make you younger than twenty. You have been warned.”
Curse successful~
Thus the world flared into obscenity for a full hour as I stood smiling as some idiots tried to take samples of my body and run tests that wouldn't find anything beyond the fact that I'm entirely made of pure water. Unnaturally pure. They even tried to fingerprint me... I laughed at that one.
After the spontaneous orgies broke up I had quite a following on my new blog: Squid4life.
For the fun of it I added a free translation app for all marine organisms. Better that Google Translate. The market for waterproof phones shot up immensely...
Of course after seeing grannies spontaneously revert to college co-eds from blow-jobs I had quite a strong, if perverted faith growing. The smarter guys bottled their spunk and sold it on Ebay.
Ah. Being able to produce the fountain of youth at the drop of a hat quickly helps one with making friends and influencing people.
I was allowed to behave as I liked. Immediately, once the higher ups heard.
On the way back home I collected my young children, Micha, Lena and Tamar from the kindergarten we dropped them off at for the day. Being relatively normal they fit in fairly well; Lena and Tamar can breathe underwater and Micha will eventually gain the ability to extrude tentacles at will (but can't yet). We let Ami tag along with us because being part squid she matures faster. She looks and acts five years old but is in fact only one year old. Ironically she ends up staying around sixteen years old in appearance well into her four hundredth year, before ascending to become a goddess... being half sea-elf and siren has a powerful effect on longevity.
I fetched the twins and Martyr, who were still shopping and had them join us for dinner.
As I had dinner with my sister and nephews, alongside Ami, Yumi, Folly, Wisdom (who popped out for desert) and Charie. Charie even consented to wear clothes for modesty in front of the kids, even if it was only a bathrobe. Sis was delighted to get to play with the adorable rug rats I brought along.
Sis did panic later on when we bathed two of them by dunking 'em in over their heads.
Wandering around later that night I found the crab king loitering around with the assault team that tried to breach the house earlier. He was beating the pants off them in Texas hold 'em poker. Apparently he provided the snacks, they provided the cards.
I joined them, losing badly to my servant. But I'm in a good mood, so I only beat him half to death when he laughed at me. I left him laying there upside down, one leg twitching in the air.
Sis and I had a long talk as the girls slept, Yumi in the full bathtub with Ami, most of the others on mattresses and the couch. Charie and Folly spent the night watching old movies since they don't need to sleep if they don't want to. Perk of being beyond mortal. I do worry about them though, they don't get the point of some of it, like when watching Titanic Charie asked why the people don't develop ice resistance as they freeze to death in the water.
The talk was a serious one, so I won't bore you with details. But we did hash out a vacation plan. One each.
So for the next five days all of us roamed the world, Folly in search of the legendary and elusive combination blu-ray/Betamax player.
Francis meanwhile bullied Japanese 'scientific' whaling.
Cuthbert claimed he went on a tour of famous harbors. He actually bypassed them to peek at nude beaches.
The twins, Weedy, Charie, Martyr and I went to a hot spring resort in Japan with the youngsters minus Ami.
When the kids went to bed for the night we amused ourselves in a privately rented bath. For the next few hours I WAS the bath water. Wonderful time. Half way through an attendant heard screams and peeked, only to see real-life tentacle hentai. We had a good laugh afterward about her expression, a mixture of terror, lust and fascination.
Yumi with Ami stayed over at my sister's home. They did have an armed guard surrounding the place, even if they were there to keep the situation contained.
A few people did try to mess with my darling girls while I was seemingly away, slipping through the net. I left my right hand at Sis' place. They wanted bad things, I gave them just that. It might not look like much but a piece of my body is no different than the rest of me. To the point where I can actually shift my consciousness over to the limb. I originally intended to use it to escape the murder trial of the gods, letting them kill what seemed to be all of me, now I just use it to travel to locations in moments.
As I'm liquid incarnate, provided there is more fluid nearby I can reform entirely from a droplet, but a hand makes a decent stepping stone, speeding it up considerably.
A trio of former-special forces operatives, currently working as Mercs tried to infiltrate and abduct Ami. They didn't care for collateral damage either. But they failed at the first hurdle. They forgot to dress warm.
I spent several hours that night prying the truth from them, as I froze them slowly from the toes up.
The following day three ice sculptures appeared on the lawn of an unpleasant man.
He soon joined them. Then his boss. They all wanted the same thing, they wanted a living sample of one of us. Cuthbert and Francis were too big, they were afraid of Folly and me. Yumi and Ami however were exposed.
Naturally I exterminated this plot.
Then I took Ami out with my nephews for ice-cream. However I was less than impressed by the variety, so I hand-made batches for the kids.
When we finally went home I kept thinking I had forgotten something.
What we learned:
Crabs are worse than card sharks.
High altitude is full of weirdos and junk.
Squid was feeling Blue.
What we missed:
The Hydra joined a U.N. expeditionary force, the price in giant blue helmets was extraordinary!
All the hottest geriatrics of the twentieth century are back in their prime!
The crab, lonely and forgotten tries to make a decent life, eventually becoming a professional wrestler: The Golden Claw!
His rise was glorious until he met a wrestler nicknamed 'The Hammer'.
He then followed up his televised death with a further appearance on a cooking show, ending up in a bisque. To rave reviews.
Sorry due to my enthusiasm for this, Re:Labyrinth is delayed