Bonus Special Story: When a Squid came to visit... (Part 1)
(You asked so hard for it, I finally got around to writing it! Yes there is a part 2, coming soon!)
(Loop) Year 1 Day 187 (9:33 Wednesday, April 1th 2015)
I press the doorbell and wait patiently.
What? Come on, come on...
I press it again, longer.
You know we're out here. I saw you glance out through the blinds.
I glance around at the news helicopters buzzing overhead taking pictures and the photographers on rooftops with telephoto lens.
“Go bother someone else, damn paparazzi!” [Calvin] I shake a tentacle arm at them angrily.
“If you want I could...” [Charybdis]
“As much as it would please the general public to no end to see these guys sucked into a vortex of doom, they aren't that obnoxious, just yet.” [Cal] “Besides that'd just give some idiots ideas to use you as a disposal site for nuclear waste or something.”
Charie frowns. “Is your world full of such absurd people?”
“Pretty much.” [Cal]
The crowd of cameras seems to be increasing, including scared police and some military assets. Well enough of being a spectacle.
I summon a dense fog around the city, cutting us off from most observation.
“Ah, that's better...” [Cal] I breathe in the cool, moist air with relish.
“I'm not really feeling welcome.” [Yumi] “But those flying things and the wheeled things... It is very busy here.”
“You really lived in this world? Amazing! My home town thought it was great because every home had a roof... well most of one.” [Weedy]
“Still looks the same.” [Folly]
We all glance at her.
“What? I like dramas. I come over every few years to stock up. So... which way to the nearest video-tape rental place? You still use Betamax right?” [Folly]
“Ugh... I don't know where to begin correcting you. You want blu-rays or DVDs. Betamax died out in a couple of years, replaced by VHS.” [Cal]
“What?! Why? Beta was so much better, the video clarity and sound...” [Folly]
“Oh, you're one of those types... Beta didn't have long enough tapes to record a lot of longer movies completely, VHS did. So Beta was beaten. They even fixed that problem but VHS was too prevalent by then.” [Cal]
“Aw...~” [Folly]
“I'll set you up with an internet connection and a subscription to Netflix when we get home, that should fix your problem.” [Cal] “I'm not the patron god of the internet for nothing, you know.”
“So... how long are we going to stand on the doorstep? I'm asking because I'm troubling Charie, who was nice enough to carry me. It's all quite cheery being together but I'm looking forward to getting some dirt about your childhood.” [Yumi]
Sigh.
“Okay, I'll go talk to her. Ami, you're a big girl now... so I'm leaving you in charge.” [Cal]
“'Kay!” [Ami] She looks at Yumi. “Quit slouching Mommy! Sit up straight!”
Yumi laughs softly. “You bastard... now she's on a power trip.”
“Bad words Mommy! I'll wash your mouth out with ink. Charie, you help.” [Ami]
Charie bends over to bring Yumi close to the little girl.
“Hey, wait! Don't go along with her Charie!” [Yumi struggling] “Mr Squid, you traitor! Don't leave me like this!”
Well I guess I have plenty of time while they play around. I slide through the cracks in the door frame as liquid.
My sister is watching with an expression of utter terror from the far end of the hallway as I coalesce.
“Hi Sis! I'm back!” I wave cheerfully.
She faints.
Oh, right. I was waving with a tentacle. Hand next time. Hand.
Well, I guess I'd better hurry this up, before Ami starts giving Mommy a haircut again. Yumi didn't talk to me for a month after that incident. Pfft. She was half bald with three randomly placed pony-tails!
I squirt a spray of fresh, cold water on her face.
Her eyes open wide suddenly. She backs away fearfully on hands and knees.
“Sis. Look, it is me. Calvin. I told you I was going to visit, remember? I thought you'd take it better than this after I sent a photo of all of us.” [Cal]
“It was real?!” [Susan]
“Yup. So, you read the letter I left behind? It is all true, including the fact I died, reincarnated as a squid and became a god.” I turn my arm into transparent water as she watches. “I'm powerful. Enough I'm not at all concerned if they even try to nuke us. I have a super-weapon of my own named Charybdis after all.”
“It really is you?! You're not some kind of hallucination or practical joke are you? Because it is cruel.” [Susan]
I walk over to the lounge room and flick on the television.
Video footage shows a huge, tentacled form loom over a harbor bridge.
“Does that look like a joke?” [Cal]
“That isn't a Godzilla film?!” [Susan]
“Naw, that's my kid. His mother named him Cuthbert. I can't stop calling him Cthulu.” [Cal]
“I don't see the family resemblance.” [Susan dryly]
“Nonsense, he has my tentacles.” [Cal] “Well, his mother was a whale... he's a little different, but then all my kids have their quirks.”
“That isn't at the level of a quirk!” [Susan]
“Well, he's quarter-god, quarter-squid and all titan.” [Cal]
“Won't he get killed?!” [Susan] “I mean the navy...”
I change the channel.
A close up of my son, with a massive banner in hand. It reads: 'Hello! My name is Cuthbert! I am on a tour with my father, visiting his home world. Please do not attack us, we do not wish to kill you. Many thanks, courtesy of Cal Amari, god of the seas and the internet. P.S. We will destroy all of the porn online if you attack us, so if you have plans to attack: backup hard copies now. Have a nice day!'
“What? Porn?” [Susan]
“April fools!” [Cal]
“You're evil!” [Susan laughing]
“Anyway, I want to introduce everyone to you and the family.” [Cal] “Just to be clear they mostly aren't human.”
“Uh... so a whale? A monster, a mermaid and what else?” [Susan]
“Actually Yumi is a siren, I left the mermaid at home with some of the others. So to be clear, I have: Charybdis, Yumi the Siren and our daughter Ami (she's half squid) out there with the goddess of Wisdom/Folly and Weedy my half-god maid. The last two look human, so don't worry. I left the twins out shopping with the goddess of Martyrs as an escort. She makes a good meat shield. I have a few other kids here but they're all underwater at the moment. The mermaid is keeping the others safe in the other world. The whale I mentioned is here, keeping an eye on Cuthbert. Our goddess daughters are staying with some half-siblings in paradise...” [Cal sighing] “All told I have fifteen kids. At the moment. Five are here, I'll introduce the rest later.”
“Wasn't there a kracken and a hydra?” [Susan]
“The kracken is keeping the kids safe at home. I left the hydra at the U.N. It seemed to want to begin negotiations for inclusion as an independent nation.” [Cal] “They will probably succeed too. I imagine they'll get quite a bit of influence, they can theoretically create new island chains. That's big business in a world with rising real estate prices. Oh, I'll do something about global warming too.”
“Did it suddenly get nippy in here?” [Susan]
“Technically the global temperature dropped by a degree, on the Celsius scale.” [Cal]
“You're ridiculous...” [Susan]
“Aren't I?” I wriggle my eyebrows.
I walk over to the door, to find it unlocked.
“Do'h.” [Cal]
I let the others in. They give a greeting to Susan one by one, Yumi giving me a glare as she files past in Charie's arms. Charie actually can change her form in anyway she likes, she just self identifies as her usual appearance. She did shave off half her height, so she could walk in.
“Hey look, Cuthbert's on TV!” [Folly]
Some jumpy idiot is spewing his delusions about Elder gods on camera... well he's only half right. Charie and Folly here are technically REAL Elder gods.
“So... you're a siren, you're a goddess, you're a demigod?” [Susan]
“Yes.” [Folly raising her hand]
“I am, Mistress.” [Weed curtseying]
“Formerly a sea-elf, yes.” [Yumi]
“Charybdis.” [Susan points out the nude woman with glowing eyes]
“That's my name.” [Charie]
Susan goes down on one knee and looks at the little girl with tentacles for legs. “This little cutie must be Ami?”
Ami bashfully twists around.
“Ami, this is your Aunty Susan.” [Cal] “She's my sister.”
“Hello, Aunty Susan...” [Ami whispers]
“Well that's a first. She's never quiet.” [Yumi]
“Tell you what... I have a...” Susan pauses, walks up to me and whispers “She can eat candy, right?”
“Sure can, loves it. Hasn't tried anything from Earth yet either, go nuts... just save some for three others.” [Cal] “Forget Cuthbert. He only eats fish and whale.”
Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
As Ami is given a handful of chocolates I glance through the photos of my family, noticing several new ones of my nephews.
“Heard anything from Frank? Is he still sending child support?” [Cal]
“No, he skipped out three months ago. I haven't heard from him since.” [Susan]
“Hey, Sis... catch!” [Cal]
I toss a bag woven from palm fronds to her.
“What's this?” [Susan]
“A belated birthday gift from Charie and I. It doesn't mean much back there...” [Cal]
The object in question is a ruby the size of the weirdness of the current situation. Roughly a dinner-plate.
“Whaa...?!” [Susan]
“It is real. Charie likes to collect them. That is a spare.” [Cal]
“This is... too much.” [Susan]
“It is just some clutter, take it with my compliments, sister.” [Charie] “If it can provide a finer life for you, all the better.”
“Ahem.” [Folly]
“Is something happening?” [Cal]
“We are about to have uninvited visitors.” [Folly]
“Oh. I sense it now too.” [Cal smirking]
“What do you me...” [Susan]
BAM!
The windows shatter and soldiers in full body armor, armed to the teeth, burst in.
A second later they fly out again screaming, caught up in a high pressure burst of water.
“Neat!” [Ami]
“So? Where were we?” [I ask, replacing the glass with permafrost]
“The ruby.” [Charie gently suctioning up the broken glass]
“You're very in sync, aren't you?” [Susan]
“Hey! No one gets away with calling me part of NSYNC!” [Cal] “Damn boy bands... (mutter).”
“Moving along, is there anything else we can do to help you?” [Charie, ignoring my outburst] “Things for us are currently rosy so we thought we could do something proactive.”
“Money, medicine, ambrosia, a holiday in the tropics with real pirates...” [Cal]
“Pirates?!” [Susan]
“Well... they are more of a perk. Nothing is more entertaining than watching a group of hardened killers cry like children.” [Cal] “Although somehow, it always goes wrong...”
“You can visit the home of the gods...” [Folly]
“They don't have cable TV yet though.” [Cal]
“We have Betamax!” [Folly]
“Not really an incentive, Fol.” [Cal] “Oh! I know! How about a visit to the city of the mermaids? Just remember to dress down. The Mermen are a bit... unpleasant around attractive, scantily dressed women.”
“COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! WE MEAN YOU NO HARM! PLEASE SURRENDER!” [Military Commander]
“Charie? Folly? Who wants first dibs on the irritating guys out there?” [Cal]
“Please, carry on with your discussion. I'll be finished in a few moments.” [Folly hoisting her parasol as she walks out the door]
“How about a royal tour? I happen to know a king that owes me a good turn. Castles, knights, swords the whole shebang!” [Cal] “Just remember the insect repellant. Lice and fleas everywhere...”
Gunfire erupts.
“Cal.” [Charie]
“Yes, Honeysuckle?” [Cal]
“You're sabotaging yourself.” [Charie]
Gunfire ends.
“Yeah, but it's fun.” [Cal]
Folly enters, flicking blood off her parasol. “What did I miss?”
“Cal being Cal.” [Charie]
“Nothing then? Pity.” [Folly]
“Um...?” [Yumi] “Why doesn't she just stay with the twins? The whole island worships Cal, there is lots to see and we're all close.”
“Yumi... why did you have to go and spoil my fun?” [Cal]
“Because I want to see baby pictures now!” [Yumi] “I want to hear all about Cal as a child. When he wet the bed. What scared him. His most embarrassing secrets.”
“I do too...” [Charie blushing]
“Did he ever do something stupid in public?” [Weedy]
“I'm mildly curious as well...” [Folly fidgeting eagerly]
Screw you guys... wait haven't I already?
“As much as I'd like to reminisce about the most painful moments of my life, I think I'll bail. Try not to overdo things with the army.” [Cal] “Don't believe everything you hear, Sis likes to embellish.”
I pause on the way out.
“Oh... and Ami, you're in charge while I'm out.” [Cal grinning cruelly at Yumi]
“NOOOOO!!!” [Yumi]
“Lets play dress ups, Mommy!” [Ami]
“You fiend!” [Yumi]
***************************
“This girl dressed in black lace just kept hitting us with a fancy umbrella...” [Captain] “Yes sir, we did open fire. She didn't notice.”
I slide along the ground as a film of water.
“Sir, the men who went inside said there was a whole lot wrong with some of them. It isn't just the shrinking woman and the umbrella girl...” [Captain] “The man too. Maybe even the mutated girl.”
“Excuse me. That's my daughter you're insulting...” I point out reforming behind him. “Sure my son in the bay stands out quite a bit and some of us are unusual on Earth... or elsewhere for that matter...”
“What in God's name?!” [Captain]
“Cal Amari. God of the sea, the internet and liquid in general. Now understand we have been playing nice since really we don't want to kill any of you. If you force us we will be quite a bit more aggressive.” I smile abnormally wide, distorting my features. “By the way, you know all those stories about people becoming gods, like Hercules or the flying spaghetti monster? All true in the right worlds...”
“What the hell is that?!” [Soldier]
How rude. I'm obviously a being made up of water that is only half formed.
Bullets immediately spray through me, but really you can't hurt water by hitting it.
“Oh come on! Your aim is atrocious!” I point out a soldier. “Look you're only barely hitting me mid-torso. Did you cheese your way through basic training? Put some effort in!”
I spend a few minutes harassing them with water like a squirt gun to get my point across.
“You're really a god?” [Captain]
“Is the world round? No wait, it's actually kind of oval.” [Cal] “Is the sky blue... er... the fog makes that one hard to tell... um... the moon... what about the moon?”
The guy seems kind of exasperated...
“Do you want proof? I mean I can drown a few nations or summon my minions to do my bidding.” [Cal]
“Can you summon something small?” [Captain]
“Sure.” [Cal smiling] “I call you, my weakest creature... do as I bid and come!”
A rift appears, glowing blue with unusual rippling effects.
“A bit like Stargate, eh?” I clap him on the back as he stares into the unknown. A seven-foot tall crab crawls out.
“Go fetch me some potato chips.” [Cal]
It crawls off, the crowd parting for him.
“That was small?” [Captain]
“What? He's only the king of crabs. That's pretty so-so for my followers.” [Cal] “You should see my summer home, Turtle Island Senior. I kind of blew up Junior, but don't tell him that.”
The crab returns and with great dignity offers me a package of...
“Hey, these are salt and vinegar! Get your exoskeleton in gear! I want sour cream and chives!” [Cal] “Summons... you get what you ask for not what you want...”
The crab scuttles off, muttering.
“I heard that, you second-rate royalty! You're nothing compared to the Shrimp Emperor! He gets these things right first time!” [Cal] “Feh. Don't trust a crab with your food. Unless it is on the plate.”
“I don't know how I'm going to explain this...” [The captain moans]
“Just use the generic fantasy response, 'a wizard did it'.” [Cal]
“But you said you were a...” [Captain]
With that I'm going searching for the twins.
Although I did hang around long enough to see the crab come back to find me missing and hurl the packet of chips on the ground in a huff. He and I really need to have a quiet talk later. With melted butter involved...
What we learned this chapter:
Crab royalty are impatient and rude.
Cal sometimes forgets he's in human form.
Ami is a demon, a cute, cuddly little demon.
The Hydra having gained membership in the U.N. is now trying to gain a seat on the NATO security council. It'll have to be a huge one.
What we missed:
The other side of the banner: 'You attacked me?! Just for that, no more Brony porn. LOL'
A giant, naked blue woman (Francis) emerging from the sea. The crowd cheering as they see what they hope is their salvation, until she snatches the sail off a yacht, spits on it and wipes at the corners of Cuthbert's face.
Perverts with cameras focused exclusively on Francis's bountiful assets.
Folly trying to work out how to fit a DVD in a Betamax player.