Epilogue Part 1: The Future is Squid.
Day 153
“On this day we raise our arms! They can take our lives but they can never take... our... TENTACLES!!!” [Cal]
“No, I don't think they can...” [Deadpan Charie]
“You're spoiling my moment in the spotlight, Honeysuckle...” [Cal]
And so battle was joined...
The most hilariously mismatched battle in human history... five hundred thousand soldiers, with fifteen full wizard artillery brigades backed by a navy comprising of ten thousand ships of the line...
VS
A Squid God, THE Charybdis (Displaying a swelling belly), The Titan Hydra of Fire, The Titan Whale-Killer (Francis) and a Kraken. Oh... and a few ships, soldiers, three children... and Weedy.
Folly having developed a fondness for Yumi was having a sleep-over at our place... so alls well at home. Assuming Yumi doesn't get broken...
So we have to babysit a trio of children one of whom is here to take revenge for the usurpation of the throne... where is here again? Escalodonia...
I left care of our royal three to Weedy and Francis. They sure are an odd pair... putting them together the ship is a full house. It is well, packed.
Leaving aside card puns...
Lets get this party STARTED!
Kraken guards the harbor, dragging down ships while we enter the city.
The white-hot Hydra stands out a bit but so does the five-hundred foot tall squid walking into town...
“Fear me mortals for I am the great Cal Amari... destroyer of... well lets start with this pub.” [Cal]
Smoosh.
A barrage of siege weapons, enchanted for range and damage strike us both. The Hydra defends with all heads, actively catching the bolts and destroying them.
I on the other hand have no fear of such crude weapons... I stand my ground and...
“Ow...OW... OWWWW! It's in my eye!” [Cal] “Get it out! Get it out!”
“Stop fussing, you big baby... we all know you're only looking for attention.” [Charie] “This is just like that time you walked on sharp coral...”
“Boooo.” [Cal] “Sometimes a guy likes to be mothered and cared for gently, you know?”
“Get to work, lazy no-bones.” [Charie smiling]
“Fine, fine...” I glance at the Hydra which seems to have rapidly lost respect for me, lately...
“Hey, all of you!” I indicate the Hydra but several hundred soldiers in that direction also assume I'm talking to them. “Stop sitting there and intimidate them already!”
“Yes... sir. We'll get right on that.” They just laze there however. Bureaucracy in action, it seems.
“Well in the mixed words of two different people... If you want something done right, carry a big stick.” I look around and find a nice sized clock tower... which I rip out of the ground and hurl into the midst of the army. Luckily for them it spears a hill and stops there, the bell striking endlessly on a loop. “Yes... psychological warfare! Lets just sit here until the bell drives them to kill each other.”
“What kind of example are you setting for our young ones?” [Charie]
“The only ones here are currently gestating in you. I don't think they care.” [Cal]
“...but they can hear you talking...” She says sadly, rubbing her abdomen.
“Oh... now you're being cute to manipulate me...” [Cal]
“Is it working?” [Charie]
“...yes.” [Cal] “All right you heathens! Taste my fury!”
I summon forth a tide of white liquid to bring suffering upon mine enemies... no, I do not intend to make myself the father of a nation literally... perverts.
Their cries of horror and suffering as they taste my wrath are satisfying.
“Uh... it is so sticky...” [Soldier 1]
“My shoes are stuck to the ground!” [Soldier 2]
“My hands are stuck to my feet!” [Soldier 3]
“MWHAHAHAHA! Suffer! That was epoxy resin!” [Cal] “Don't you go anywhere, now... y'hear?”
Changing to a lubricant I continue into the city, past the several thousand men stuck on flypaper... the titan sized version.
Now I suppose you are wondering how all of these soldiers knew we were coming?
I sent them a letter. Well it was technically an iceberg... sending five ships to the coral. The coral sent me a very polite thank you letter back for the gift, by the way.
Anyhow they received my demands. The current king is now the usurper that tried to kill my worshippers. So I decided to make an example of him.
We aren't planning to inflict massive casualties... but que sera sera.
Besides... its more fun this way.
I also don't want to tip my hand yet. Even if it does hold the joker and all of the trumps.
Well there were a few extra...
“Halt, you attack our worshippers!” A large, armored god announces, pointing a halberd at me. I say large, but he's only twenty foot tall.
“If you continue, we will be forced to overpower you!” Female god, dressed like a valkyrie with a spear. Normal sized.
The cheers of the soldiers and prayers are coming from all around us.
“Please try to avoid impregnating these ones too...” [Charie]
Will I ever live down making a male pregnant?!
No... probably not. It is the kind of thing that haunts you... creeping up... appearing in your nightmares to suddenly...
Sorry, sorry. I let my trauma speak for me for a second there...
Back to humiliating a national leader...
“What does she mean by 'too'?!” The Valkyrie is suddenly feeling very exposed in her bikini armor... just because it protects more when it covers less does not make it an acceptable trade-off people! She's only a step up from naked! I'm only complaining about the pointlessness, not the view FYI.
“Didn't you hear about the sudden boom in goddess pregnancy? He doesn't even have to touch your privates... just skin. Heck he touched me twice and gave me twins!” [Charie]
“Uh...” The goddess seems to be very nervous now... she's looking at me like I'm some kind of perverted monster... perhaps I am...
“I am male, I have no fears of...” [Warrior God]
“He can do it to men too.” [Charie]
“AIIIIIE! Get back you hideous freak god!” [Warrior God squealing like a little girl]
Hey! I resent that!
I walk a few steps closer and the male god hides behind his female counterpart.
“What a brave, chivalrous god you are...” [Cal]
“Chivalry is all well and good, but few men wish to be a knocked up woman!” [Coward God]
“Oh, you'll still be a man... which probably is why it was so painful for the last SOB.” [Cal] “So... do you want to protect your charges from the small amount of abuse I plan to heap on them or do you want to carry my next generation? I want to see if I can make it Octuplets...”
The male god is already gone...
“Is he ever light on his feet, for someone in plate mail.” [Cal] “So... with the bluff out of the way, lady I really will give you octuplets if you stand in my way.”
“...Cal... that is probably the wrong approach...” [Charie]
“...then I shall block you for all I am worth.” [Goddess of Martyrs]
“Huh?” [Cal]
“She likes being hurt and abused.” [Charie]
“Oh... She's a masochist?” [Cal]
“The only goddess I refused to eat... she just kept begging for it too!” [Charie]
“No... I can handle her kind. Look lady, you will leave and go to my home where I will enslave you and make you bear litters of children for me... or I will drown your people.” [Cal] “I will make you cry out in pain and pleasure, for my own amusement.”
Charie had her pegged. Her look was so hopeful even I was surprised. Well it got her out of the way at least. Plus she's no threat to Charie's position so she'll live, if I ever actually get around to doing anything with her... my schedule is quite booked for the next three months. Plus I already have kids coming out the wazoo. Which is where they are supposed to come out if my anatomy is correct... wait is wazoo even a thing? Probably just too much time around Yumi with her cutesy euphemisms...
“Hey Hydra, get your butt in gear or I'll give you hypothermia!” [Cal]
“We'll start the necessary paperwork right now...” [Hydra] (Muttering to itself)
“Now! As in, I am declaring DEFCON 1 here!” [Cal]
“Look we're doing what we can... you'll have your response in four to ten working days.” [Hydra]
Why do I feel like I'm I'm in a que, talking with an abusive clerk?
“I am your king!” [Cal]
“I am aware Majesty. However we are a Constitutional Monarchy.” [Hydra]
“Wait, you mean I've been relegated to figurehead?!” [Cal] “You sly bastards...”
Forget you then, Hydra!
I forge ahead with a blizzard. I must strike while the iron is... cold?
Oh! The mages are bringing some kind of cannon-looking thing out!
I grab it.
Pewpew... take that!
…
Sorry, business district...
…
Let us never speak of this again.
Onwards!
The main force of enemy troops is in my way, three hundred thousand arrayed in a left formation, guarding a fortress.
Looks like a job for Aquasquidgod...
“Come my fishy brethren... attack!” [Cal]
…
Why is it raining fish? For the halibut.
I shrink down to normal form, a twelve foot tall humanoid.
I walk past my uselessly flopping minions who desperately try to attack by sucking at soldier's shoes as they have no teeth.
“Yes! Feast upon them my powerless, aquatic delicacies!” [Cal]
The soldiers are a bit confused by this.
The fish start gasping, complaining they can't breathe.
So I supply them with water. The army suddenly mired in thigh-high water are considerably distressed, more so as they are rammed and fin-slapped repeatedly by my bloodthirsty servants.
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Should I mention the water is level with the humans, despite rising up a slope?
I call back my minions and send them home, satisfied. A few are sporting helmets, tattoos and holding knives in their mouth... I think I may have overdone it again...
I don't even understand HOW they are holding the helmet on... oh chin strap.
Now to break the enemy lines...
I simply cool the water to a little below freezing.
Instantly the army disintegrates, fleeing the area shivering.
I signal the others with a blast of water in the air.
Francis walks up, carrying Weedy and the kids.
Since her stride is so large she gets here in a few minutes.
Charie is also here.
I glance at the castle gates...
Francis simply kicks through them.
That steel portcullis never stood a chance...
I walk in, idly tossing the defenders around by their water content until we are unobstructed, as they are suffering a nasty case of motion sickness. Ten gravity's worth.
I kick in the main door and walk into the keep.
Finally we meet a last stand, twenty guards surrounding a cowering thin man pressed against the wall.
“Hi.” [Cal]
…
They look at me like I'm an alien.
I don't look like one at all. They're purple and green with a proboscis and seven articulated legs... they did stare a lot at me... even if they only had some kind of pit for light detection on their torso.
Aliens still aren't that unusual to me.
“Kill the monster...” the pale, trembling man at the back demands weakly.
The guards look at him like he's stupid. Well I suppose he is in this situation.
“You know... I haven't had this much fun in a long time. Can offer a more attractive solution?” [Cal] “I let you keep your lives... and you let me have your false king.”
They seem to be thinking about it.
“Did I fail to mention, I'm a god?” [Cal] “That I have two titans and a demigod behind me? That I could at a whim drain the water from your body and watch you crumble to dust like you chose the wrong holy grail?”
“What?” [Charie]
“Its from this great movie series about a guy called Indiana J...” I just remembered where I was. “...I'll show it to you later.”
Ah. Nothing beats being a god WITH supernatural high-speed internet access. Well... the dimension-shift lag is annoying... I can't play reflex oriented games.
“So... you guys giving up?” [Cal]
One slashes me with a sword. He cut completely through me, but the gap just sealed. Silly human, you can't cut a liquid... that isn't a drug.
“Francis, if you would be so kind...” [Cal]
A hand the size of a volkswagon reaches in, groping blindly. Maybe I didn't think this one through...
because she grabs me!
“Hey!” I cry as she crushes me like a stress ball. “I know you like me but this is a little too clingy.”
…
She's laughing. She did it on purpose.
Oh... I'll get you for this...
I remove my surface tension and splash to the floor, rising up to stand.
Back to the stubborn soldiers.
“I suppose you're all thinking today is a good day to die, yada yada yada. Let me assure you, you aren't going to die, or enjoy life again either.” [Cal] “Since I am being generous, the last person to surrender is the only one to keep the curses.”
Charie chuckles.
“What curses? You ask. Why let us start with... may you never feel pleasure again.” [Cal]
Curse successful~
…
“Well I can't imagine you feel pleasure right now anyway. So, on to curse number two: you will no longer have bowel control.” [Cal]
Curse successful~
…I am so glad I don't have to have my nose working right now.
“So... now that all of you are going to have to do the embarrassment shuffle I bring you curse the third: may your sense of taste rot.” [Cal] “By that I do not mean that you taste nothing but rather that everything you eat is now rancid.”
Curse successful~
“...please I beg mercy!” [Soldier]
Several more foul smelling men drop their weapons and stumble away.
“Next I'll start getting more extreme... may your body parts fall off like leaves in Autumn.” [Cal]
Curse successful~
More men surrender, only one left.
“You're brave. My last curse, it overrides the others. May you serve the corrupt badly and the righteous loyally.” [Cal]
Curse successful~
…
And so the false king died by the blade of his most loyal guard. He then swore fealty to our little king.
Well I can't call him Duke any more. I bless him and his rule... he responds by saying he'll convert the churches for the God of the Sea to my worship. ... more responsibility... dammit.
I left him in the company of a general. I made sure to let the officer know that if he was harmed I would 'stop playing' and make the skies rain blood. And little scraps of officers.
Day 154
I pay a visit to an Emperor next... I just walk through every trap, enemy and barricade in my way and have a chat with him in his panic room/tower. I explain I'm just here to turn over his precious kids and they have my blessing... he seems surprisingly on the level about their welfare. I hand them over with no problems.
The Emperor is so thankful he even converts to my religion... I'm starting to see a pattern here.
I return home.
Day 193
I'm a father again.
The mother was the tuna... uh... I'll be gentle and say that it is... an abomination! Kill it with fire!
Nah, I'm kidding. It is just a squid. I suppose it was closer to a parasitic infection than a child but she seems to have been thrilled. It is a faint green color and very quiet. Another boy.
His mother calls him Barry... I think she may have a problem...
Day 232
Charie gave birth!
We do have twins. They look humanoid, too large to be human. They don't have Charie's vortex or my tentacles but they did get my powers. One uses water the other ice. They are a boy and a girl respectively.
The boy is named Harry after my brother and the girl Susan after my sister.
I watch them breast feed with fondness. Later on, I get a taste.
Fantastical!
Day 256
I'm a year old! Happy birthday to me!
Day 257
Yumi has a child now... a half elf, half squid creature. A girl. Welcome my beautiful daughter. She is a handful, jetting everywhere. She is developing quickly. We name her Ami.
Squid Jr and Barry Jr aren't thrilled to get a sister like themselves.
But they do like Yumi, so they tolerate her.
I get a taste of siren milk too, curious...
Salty.
Day 289
The twins give birth, one after the other.
Both girls. They are almost entirely human, except for a quirk. They can breathe underwater.
We call them Lena and Tamar. We can't tell them apart.
Day 330
Francis gives birth... uh... so... how to put this... I made Cthulu.
It is what we call him anyway. He's actually named Cuthbert Percival Barington-Smythe.
Yes, his mother named him that. If he wasn't as ugly as sin and the size of a sloop, I'd worry he'd be beaten up for lunch money. I guess you could call him a Squale. He has tentacles and a beak, but the tail of a whale. He can change form to be humanoid which just makes the resemblance even more uncanny between my newest son and a Lovecraftian elder god.
Whale milk... is so rich it could be condensed cream dipped in lard.
Day 358
Another child, this time from Weedy.
A beautiful little girl, who can grow tentacles at will...
We call her Micha.
Her milk has a rich, nutty flavor... I think I'm starting to like nursing as much as the kids...
Day 373
We got news that the Goddess of Chastity gave birth...
Day 378
Apparently two more goddesses have had my kids, Beauty and Passion.
Day 380
We learned that both Folly/Wisdom and Love have had children.
It seems that all goddesses gave birth to gods.
Folly/Wisdom's twins are both girls, one with black hair the other white blonde. She called them Mischief and Study, due to their personality. They may earn a new one as they grow up.
Let me just say... ambrosia has nothing on the breast milk of a goddess. Like sweet, lactose heaven...
What we learned:
Almost over.
What we missed:
A lot.
A certain Siren has developed her techniques and now runs a resort catering to homosexual vacations. She calls it Yaoi Isle.
Another with a penchant for piracy against slave-traders often returns home to her very elderly 'father' and his real daughter.
A lone pirate found floating at sea has gone home to try farming. He promptly lost a hand in a bizarre accident with an axe. Captain Henry Rickets was forever known as Shaky Hook Harry.
Final chapter coming soon:
Interaction between the kids...
The distant future...