I set down my load of sticks and mushrooms on the floor and we is all wandering around looking around our new house. In the corner is an old green oil drum on its side on top of cinder blocks for a wood stove, and attached to a hole on top is coffee cans stacked to make a chimney and where the last can meets the roof is wrapped in newspaper and some old shirts.
At the far side of the room is a big stack of small carrier crates and inside those crates is filled with cat poops and it smells like a musty old cave in here what an insane badger has been living in for a while. I guess at some point ‘ol Mitch’s grandpa done let out all the cats to fend for themselves. There’s a small kitchen next to the window Daddy had waved out of with a sink underneath and behind the sink was a green stove covered in a big blackened patch. Daddy leads us all to the opening next to the car carriers and it don’t have no door on it and it leads deeper into the house and there‘s an empty room with fiberboard floor and a window opposite the front that looks out on a tiny shack with a high roof and rough boards.
Daddy says that’s the poopin place and that’s next on the tour and we can't use the toilet in the small bathroom off the kitchen yet since it ain’t been tested and might blow up while we’re sittin’ on it.
There’s another opening at the far side of this bedroom that leads to the end of the house which is a long thin bedroom that stretches the length of the house and Daddy says this room is for him and Momma since they’s in love and need their privacy. We all walk back to the front room and there’s an oval table missing a leg next to the green stove but I see the other leg is next to the oil drum woodstove and maybe it’s for poking at things in the fire as the end that usually meets the floor is blackened and covered in ash.
“Ok!” Daddy says “and now for the grand tour of the outdoor crapper!” He leads us all to the tiny shack behind the house and opens the door with a flourish and there’s two holes next to each other and Daddy says “all the comforts of home!“ And I peer in one of the holes and see a tower of poop that leads down into the dark and I can't see the ground and it’s a spooky turd tower and it’s big enough down there in the hole for something to hide in, and I think that something is likely going to grab my butt if I ever use this turd shack, especially in the dark.
“Two holes even!” Daddy says excitedly ”now we ain’t have to wait for each other, can just go at the same time!” and Momma says she ain’t poopin’ next to Daddy and he looks sad and says it was supposed to be romantic and we’s all standing there and there‘s not much more to look at inside there so Daddy leads us back to the house. We get inside and Daddy rubs his hands and points to the woodstove “get on over there ol’ Scamp and get them sticks inside because we’re due for a blaze after so much work outside and we all need something cozy to look at seeing as how that’s God’s T.V. set right there. Put them victuals on this table and we’re about to have a feast!”
I hurry to the woodstove and toss the sticks I had gathered inside, then proudly dump out my socks, filling up a pot Momma had put on the table and Momma commences to arranging them inside so they look fancy and Daddy goes to the fire and calls Jacob over to show him something crafty. “See here Jacob. You need some sticks and whatnot to make it fiery inside this barrel and that’s where the heat is going to come from and that’s how it’s done in the woods. We ain’t need no matches out here for that’s for city folk” and Daddy winks at him.
Jacob is nodding and had a gleam in his eye for he loves fire. “Now grab these sticks and all you have to do is hit them together real hard I guess and they’ll go up nice as you please!” Jacob grabs two sticks out of the barrel stove and I’m jealous because I’d like to fire it up seeing as how I got the sticks, but Jacob found the million-dollar pipe and a doorknob for clobbering animals and he do take to fire strongly so I guess its ok since Momma is fussing so much about the mushrooms I found.
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Jacob hits them sticks together and nothing happens except for the sound of two sticks hitting together. “Nope! Let me show ya!” and Daddy snatches them from Jacob and commences to whacking them together extra hard but nothing is happening for Daddy either but he exclaims “see here! See that spark what popped off this one stick on the left?” and Jacob is looking closely but didn’t see it “you gotta look close! Watch!” and he bangs them together again and now we’re all looking close but we ain’t see no sparks, and Daddy gets upset and he gets up from a crouch and heads for the door.
Jacob moseys over to Me and Momma by the pile of mushrooms but Momma says not to touch nothin’ before Daddy gets that fire going because she wants to make a soup. We wait a while and Daddy ain’t come back but we hear muttering coming from outside and maybe a swear or two and then Daddy is running inside and one of the sticks is on fire and he’s cackling as he runs and throws it inside the woodstove and as he’s passing by I smell something like the gas Daddy puts in the truck.
“See! Just takes some woodsman type voodoo! Knock the sticks together I say! Easiest thing in the world!” Now the fire is going ok but the smoke is coming from the opening of the stove and Daddy says we’ll soon fix that right up and he gestures for Momma and snaps his fingers, “quick quick!” And she says “what? What you snappin’ at?” and Daddy says “I got to have a cover for this thing before we all choke to death!” Momma is looking all around but she ain’t find nothing so she takes off her apron and hands it to him with a suspicious look in her eye. He grabs it from her and drapes it over the barrel opening and it helps some with the smoke although the apron is now steaming dangerously. “well, what we waiting for!” Daddy says “let’s get to eatin’ that delicious woodfood! I can't wait!”
Momma proudly brings over the mushrooms I found and looks around but don’t see nothing she can add in for a soup like what she wanted to do so now we’re going to do barbecue since she done overlooked the spices and they’s still sitting in a cupboard in the kitchen in our old house.
Momma quick grabs a stick out of the fire before it’s all burned up and starts to stick them mushrooms on it like a kebab and the apron covering the stove is in flames now and we is running all about so Daddy quick shoves it inside with the fire pokin’ table leg and the smoke billowing out now is black and and I guess Momma ain’t got no apron any more. “Hot dog! Exciting!” Daddy says “now get that food stick in that fire and let’s eat eat eat eat eat eat!” Daddy is jumping all ‘round the room shouting, “eat! Eat! Eat!” and Momma is roasting the mushrooms and now is juggling the flaming mushroom stick over to the three leg table and we all gather around and Momma says Daddy should have the first bite seeing as how he was doing so much work today but Daddy says no way.
“You three made me proud with your wood knowins’ and it would be an honor if you all done take the first bite together while I watch.” Me, Momma and Jacob each pick a blackened mushroom off the stick and we wolf them right down and the texture is like wet leather and they have a sharp warning flavor to them and I’d like to spit them out but after you chew them they’s ok enough I guess but Momma’s face is pale and Jacob is coughing.
“Hot dog!” Daddy says “them sure do smell good, gimme a taste!” and he hops in and snags a few of the mushrooms off the stick too and he’s munching them right down. He gets a look on his face with his cheeks puffed out like he’s having a hard time convincing his throat to swallow but he pounds his chest and gets it down ok. “whoo but these here have a powerful kick. Any of y’alls mouths is tingling? Just curious.” Then he runs to the sink and turns it on and shoves his lips right under the spout and he’s drinking for a good while and now we is all lined up at the sink waiting for our turn for all our mouths is burning and tingling and we all drink about a gallon of water apiece.
The fire dies down too fast for I guess I ain’t bring enough sticks and the cold comes upon us and we all pile onto the stack of mattresses Momma unloaded, taking turns getting up to run outside and puke into the darkness by the house so pretty soon it looks like someone’s been sloshing green and brown paint everywhere.
We is all shivering and our stomachs are full of spikes and our breath close together smells like a dying thing and Daddy says in a weak voice that I done good getting us dinner, and tomorrow he’ll do the honors of getting us breakfast from the woods and them mushrooms were real good, but maybe they was an acquired taste of which he ain’t quite accustomed to just yet.