Since I guess we ain’t leaving now, Momma gets to going through the house and talking to herself, “this we’ll need” and “this’ll have to go” and I ain’t sure what she’s talking about and Momma and Daddy sure are confusin’ at times so I’ll just sit here and wait for them to do some more confusin’ things and maybe they’ll keep forgetting to tell us to go to bed or stop watching TV and this is good enough for me and Jacob.
We watch TV until dark and Momma is watching with us again and we is snacking all day instead of eating meals and I like that better since we ain’t have to take a break from TV and then Daddy’s truck pulls up. I hop over to the window “Daddy’s back!” I call and I open the door a crack for him and sit back down on the couch. He comes in, but slow and he waves weakly at Momma “hello” and she says “hello” and Daddy sits on the couch and now we is all watching the ol’ TV as a family. After a while, Momma looks over at Daddy and says “I was all set to leave with Gabe and Jacob you know” and Daddy says he knows “why ain’t you leave after all?” and Momma says she was over to Charlene’s to call her Momma when she decided to call his bluff and dialed the number on the papers he done slid under the door.
“What they say?” asked Daddy. “They say you done bought a house from Mitchell Schwartsholm the Third for one dollar.” and Daddy says “good. That’s real good.” and Daddy gives a sudden laugh “I ain’t know that was Mitch’s real name. He ain’t never told me that.” Momma leans over and gives Daddy a hug and a kiss and says it’s about time we all went to bed, and Jacob gives a big groan and I groan too but he still beats me and Momma snaps off the TV and makes sure the light is off in our bedroom real good this time.
In the morning, Momma and Jacob and me have questions for Daddy for we ain’t know what all is in store with the house, and we is all hopping around and asking questions and I want to know if it all has any secret walls and maybe an antler chandelier and Momma is wondering about a washing machine for we’re bound to get our clothes dirty when we out tromping around out there in the wilderness.
Jacob wants to know if theys any neighbors what we can play with but Daddy just smiles and tells us we’ll see soon enough and we‘ll be the most surprised we’ve even been and probably ever will be even though Daddy ain’t never see the house either and only has a description from Mitch the Bitch who apparently ain’t seen it since he was a kid and ain’t recollect so good on account of how he done blocked out most of them memories so he can’t be haunted in his dreams so much all the time.
“Heard tell from ‘ol Bitch that there’s a right decent cabin out there with a goodly chunk of property where we can mosey to our hearts content and ain’t even have to go to town unless we run out of them things what we can’t make in the woods like maybe toilet paper and canned salmon, which is ironic seening as how that’s all Mitch’s grandpa ever did get as well.
Maybe that means everything else can be got with our pure force of will and wrested from even the trees and animals themselves! Got that good soil for anyone who takes a notion to put in some seeds of plants and grow em up all fast and they’s a good hearty stove inside for cookin’ and drying off things like boots and also for curling up in front of with a good book or two iffn we take on the notion! So that’s about the long and also about the short of it! We get on out there pronto! Today! Get on out there with all our stuff to that there place in the woods and get us started on making things from the soil and baking breads and sewing the hides of animals and the like into warm costumes! Here we go!” and Daddy grabs us all in a big hug and is happier even than when he used to come home in the night with sour breath and dirty boots and would dance on the coffee table for us.
Now we all is scurring in and out of the house and Daddy is practically running out them things what we’re going to need and we is putting our prized possessions on the lawn in front of the truck for a final inspection and we make quick work of it seeing as how Momma already gone through the house yesterday and made mental marks on all the things we’ll be needing up there. We is taking a short break on the lawn and catchin’ our breath and Daddy comes to Jacob and me and goes on one knee and looks up at us back and forth.
Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.
“This ain’t no campin’ trip now. This is for real and we’re going for a good long time. Probably forever. Like I done said before, you two is going to be real men for it and are going to be banging on things with tools and sharpening things and bringing in food from the woods. Not like it is here where you can walk to the gas station for tootsie rolls any old time you like. This life we got now has too many options and eases and ain’t providin’ any kind of job I like because they’s all too easy. I’ll let you all in on a secret since you’s on your way to manhood already. I ain’t always fired like what I tell Momma. I always quit because they’s all stupid and I’m the one ought to be in charge. So King of the woods I’ll be. King of the woods we’ll all be.”
We both nod and Jacob has a blue stuffed elephant in one hand kind of dangling there and Daddy gestures to it and says “soon enough you all will be replacin’ them stuffed animals with real life dead animals what we can toast over a fire and you’ll be fiercely proud to provide for us all, and that sure do beat a fistful of hotdogs any day” which I’m not too sure of since they’s my favorite.
Momma comes out of the house now holding a waffle iron and Daddy gives her a big hug and dips her sideways like a dance then holds her with one arm and gestures for us to come close and he holds me and Jacob with the other and he sighs big and hugs us all and stares up into the gray sky. Then he snaps out of his trance and says “let’s pile it all in! get a move on sos we can catch a sight of this here paradise in the woods!” We scurry around and load up the truck as high as she’ll go with what all we’re going to need and they’s pretty much all the comforts of home but pretty soon the truck gets to creaking under the weight and Daddy says “hold up! Hold er up now!” and gazes at the pile reaching to the sky and rubs his chin.
“This here truck ain’t strong enough to carry all what we got in our house and now we’s got to make some hard decisions. Just you all climb up now and start tossing things out for I expect the neighbors who is in the ratrace will appreciate some free things to put in their sad houses.”
We all climb into the truck and reluctantly start tossing things out onto the yard with Daddy pointing and managering our selections. “Ain’t need no vacuum as we can make due with a big ‘ol broom” he says to Momma and she sighs as she tosses in onto the yard. “ain’t need them there boxes of books for they is mighty cumbersome and is pretty much dead weight. Pick out three books each and the rest goes in the pile” and Jacob and me painstakingly pick through the boxes for we a like all them books but we eventually settle on ones we can’t do without. Now Momma says “what about you, Ross? What all we going to do with this rusty old engine what’s been in the back yard and has a nest of birds in it? That there weighs a solid ton and ain’t going to be of no use to us out in the middle of nowhere.”
Daddy looks mighty sorrowful for he was planning on fixin’ it up into some kind of farm equipment of the like he ain’t sure of yet. “That there is one of my prized possesions and she ain’t need too much to get her operational. Just a few squirts of oil and a bg ‘ol piece of metal to bang away on her to show her who’s the boss.” But Momma crosses her arms and says “I done got rid of my favorite vacuum and these here boys got rid of them books they like so you’s got to make some sacrifices too and that’ll clear up some room for the rest of our beds since I ain’t even going to come close to sleeping on no floor in a cabin in the middle of the woods. And come hell or highest of waters, we all need to bring that couch sos we can all sit as a family in front of the T.V. should the nights get unbearable.”
Daddy opens his mouth to complain but Momma shoots him a look with her arms crossed and he remembers how close he was to losin’ his whole family yesterday and he smiles instead. “you sure are right, this here has to go” and he straddles the giant engine and huffs and puffs and lurches it to the end of the truck bed and gives it a final mighty heave and it tumbles out onto the street with a rusty clang that makes me cover my ears.