> The words exchanged in the gap between us

> I wonder how much meaning they hold?

> What color is the world where things disappear as they are written down?

> Right now what words, what songs, are reaching you?

If only life is fair, I wish I would be somebody.

If only life is fair, I wish I become a person who I prefer to be with. But as reality strikes, nothing in this life can we control out. Not the way how we left the words when we get mad; not the actions we can take back when we got too overwhelmed.

And most of all, not the time we wasted for not making it worth a while.

They say, everything is fair in all aspects. Some of them complaints that life isn’t fair at all. There’s nothing in this life that’s not fair. We have our shares of circumstances, and how you handle those will make your existence worth.

And for me, the only thing I want in life is to validate my feelings towards someone.

It’s the early spring season, and I’m a naive first year high school.

A girl who has the looks of a cool beauty every girls admires, and everyone at my team of basketball look up to. Their admiration made me feel confident in myself. I feel valued and loved by everyone.

But that day, on the first day of my high school… I started to feel weird.

In the shadows of sunlight through the cherry blossom trees is a girl standing. Her half up hairdo dances along with the spring breeze while staring at the flowers.

That captures my eyes; such beauty, and her eyes, solemnly admiring the aestheticism of the surroundings.

On that day, I, Kagome Yukiyama, have thought that I found my significant half of my life.

I never thought of falling in love before. I only want to enjoy a carefree living. I know to myself that falling in love is much complicated, like in the TV shows and dramas.

Also, I’m contented to the way how things are now. I don’t even need someone to rely on. There’s no need for me, to be with someone.

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And I know to myself, that I am different from other girls.

Deep inside me, is the abhorrence of my own identity as a girl. I despise myself for being born in an opposite sex. I want to live like a normal person, getting along with guys and have a good chat with them about everything.

That’s why life give its fair share of unfairness to every one.

How I wish I become someone.

I wish I become someone who can be love by a girl. I am a girl but not. I am a woman, yet the cage inside me clings to the despair of freedom.

To get over it, I decided to distract myself from activities. I learned to play basketball… and work hard to earn praises from everyone.

I feel the value of myself towards their praises and admiration. Their smiles when we win in each competition and their cheer for me to work even harder for the team’s sake is enough for me.

I tried to disregard my true feelings and my wants as a normal person and made a mask. A mask that doesn’t need anyone to lean and rely on these abhorring feelings. I know no one will accept me for who I really am.

And then…. that day happened.

That day, the ignored feelings of mine bud in the darkness starts to bloom. I found then light, the light that may ever change everything in my life.

The day I want these feelings to be shared for someone…. even if they don’t accept me for who I am. I want to try it out.

I don’t know if I am ready for this… all I know is I need to convey these feelings.

If they conveyed it or not doesn’t really matter. And then, Kei Sakagami and I met. That girl who I saw last time on my to school. That girl, the significant half of mine is sitting beside me.

The day we started talking was the time I forgot my textbook at home. She asked me to share, and there’s no way I can refuse. From there on, our small flicker of connection started.

From time to time, I saw her boarding on the same station every morning and after school. I always has been looking at her from afar, admiring her beauty in the solemn place. I feel this is a safe haven for both of us.

The place where she and I only belong.

And then….

A guy saved her. A mere, ordinary guy with no definitive good looks happen to approach her. I got froze the moment I saw them together. The one who must save her was me…. but I happen to know it was too late due to the sudden commotion.

It was all of a sudden. That the girl who I was with before now is looking at that guy with dreamy looks on her eyes. That girl who I happened to befriend with, now got hooked on the person she doesn’t even know.

Why…

Why this must be happened right now? I don’t understand. I should be the one who must stand beside her. I must be the one who must defend her from the adversaries. I must be the one who must support and lift her spirit up.

It must be me, not him.

A cloudy feeling accumulates my chest. The abhorrence within myself starts to rage out. My teeth clenched, as well as my fists. I want to let it out. I want to scream out loud.

I want that person to be out of her life. I should be the one for her. I should be the one.

This can’t be happening now. I must do something. I need to get rid of that guy mo matter what.

Because, Kei was mine in the first place. She’s only mine.