Caerwyn and I were sitting in the carriage house drinking iced tea with mint leaves.

“Phil, no luck on getting the internet running in Fairy. People swear that there are generators and magic ovens that don’t need power and all sorts of things, but when I try to track them down, the leads all disappear.”

I said, “I can’t quite figure out money in Fairy. I’m king, but I have no way to get paid. People pay taxes. Nobles get handed money for being there and doing nothing, but I have no way to buy anything. People tell me to hire a staff, but I can’t buy a meal for myself in the market, let alone pay someone.”

Caerwyn held his hands up and looked at them. “My mother and I wanted to move into Fairy for a while, but I don’t know how to support myself in Fairy either. We got money here, and I can make more with my computer work, but that means nothing in Fairy.

“I appreciate your offering to letting Mother and me use one of your houses, but we would be paupers there with no way to support ourselves.”

I nodded. “It would be simpler if I had a small Fairyland like Rummage and just a few Fairies. Then I could set up gardens and make houses, and I wouldn’t have to worry about what sort of rules I was breaking. I’m not supposed to bow to anyone. That’s going to seem pretty rude and aloof in Real. I had a magic box that provided some pretty nice meals for a long time, but now I’m having to shop in Real and take it all to Fairy so we have food at the manor house.

“I can always go to Bogview Castle for a meal, but it’s pretty far out of the way. Until I run fiber optics down the rest of the road, it’s still a long trip. Once I get the fiber in, it should be a quick jaunt for food, but then I would have to take Anthony and Hubert there. We don’t have power at Bogview Castle either.”

Caerwyn held up his iced tea. “Here’s to not being able to make it in Fairy.”

I clicked glasses with him and we sipped tea.

Caerwyn said, “Do you still have the sales brochure for the magic box that stopped working?”

I turned into myself a few times until I found the backpack with the brochure in the front pocket. I handed it to Caerwyn.

Caerwyn said, “Let me summon her.”

I looked at my distorted reflection in my glass with condensation dripping down it and shook my head. “Hazily Midnight might be a guy. Thinks about it. As a Fairy, Hazily Midnight could be just about any thing.”

Caerwyn said, “Well then, let me summon Hazily Midnight.”

A Fairy appeared on the table between us. “That counts as three times calling my name, what can I do for thee?”

Caerwyn gestured towards me with the brochure. “He has a magic food box that stopped working.”

Hazily Midnight scowled at the brochure. “I don’t work for them anymore. Five hundred years working hard for a Fairyland and then they decide to go all corporate. I helped them and then they let me go. Fairy Dynamics, bah. Of course the box stopped working. Idiots never tested the product and expected me to sell all they made. Then I got fired for selling a prototype after being yelled at the day before for not selling enough product.

“Well, I’m not going to play like that anymore. I am out for number one and they can’t just push me around anymore. By the way, do you know anyone who might be looking for an experienced Fairy sales manager?”

We both shook our heads. I asked, “Can I get you some tea?”

Hazily nodded so I got up to fix him a glass.

Caerwyn said, “We can’t even figure out how to buy things in Fairy. He’s a major Fairy King in a huge Fairyland, and he can’t even pay for a cleaning lady.”

Hazily took the glass of tea I handed him and tipped it to drink from. “Well, if it is like most big Fairylands, they do a lot of dodgy things. It’s all supposed to be wishes you know, but since a wish is worth a year’s work, more or less, it’s not a good way to pay for lunch out. So they use tokens to represent a small portion of a wish, and that is pretty much a direct violation of all the wish rules. Of course, they don’t want to involve the king directly. A king could get into a lot of trouble quickly by breaking the rules that way.”

Caerwyn asked, “How do we lodge a complaint with Fairy Dynamics then?”

Hazily shook his head. “Not much point, but you can try summoning the general manager of Fairy Dynamics or the current sales coordinator.” Hazily sighed. “It isn’t easy supporting yourself in Fairy. It isn’t all happily ever after, and we don’t get to retire like they do in Real.”

The three of us nodded. Caerwyn clicked his glass to Hazily’s. “To failing in Fairy.”

I clicked my glass to Hazily’s, and we all sipped tea together.

I asked, “Caerwyn, are you ready for a refill?”

Caerwyn nodded so I got up.

Caerwyn asked, “Is it okay if I try to summon the sales coordinator with thee here, Hazily?”

Hazily said, “Definitely. If you give me a pencil and paper, I can write notes so you can ask the right questions. Where is the broken unit? You may need it handy if you have a complaint.”

I said, “In Fairy. I’ll be right back.”

I adjusted time, got the box, and summoned Caerwyn. He brought me back to Real, and I turned into myself holding the box and set it down.

Hazily jumped down and examined the box. “Boys, this is the prototype I sold to a pair of Daemons. How did you end up with it?”

I shrugged. “Long story. It was given to me by a Goblin girl.”

Hazily kicked the box.

Caerwyn said, “Don’t damage the merchandise.”

Hazily sat on it. “You’re right. Okay, let’s put the screws to Fairy Dynamics. So here’s the thing. They really, really want this back. Be careful, I wouldn’t put it past them to ignore the Deaths and send an enforcer to just take it. We’re talking Duke grade enforcer. So we gotta be careful, but we can probably hit them hard on this.”

I asked, “Why do they want it so badly?”

Hazily said, “I put this together after talking with a few other disgruntled employees. Are you familiar with the Black Cauldron?”

Caerwyn said, “The one the giant made to raise the dead with?”

Hazily nodded. “Yeah, The biggest player in magic tech is a guy named Bran. Once you have seen enough of his designs you can recognize them when you see more. Most the best magic tech is by him. It might be under another name or set of designs, but if it uses high magic, advanced gateways and giant logic, you can pretty well tell that either he designed it or someone ripped off one of his designs.

“Well this box is a poor failed rip-off of one of Bran’s designs. Being obvious about such a thing could get your company shut out of the field instantly. Worse than that, Bran is tight with the Dread Lord, and that means that if Bran doesn’t like you, the Queen of Shadows doesn’t like you.”

I coughed from swallowing tea wrong. This got stranger by the minute. My source for the box was someone who worked for the Queen of Shadows. Caerwyn and Hazily were both looking at me so I smiled. “I’m okay, just accidentally tried to inhale some tea.”

Hazily continued, “So the day after being yelled at for not making enough sales, these two big Daemon twins come in. They looked rich. They were dressed sharp, well fed, and they both had eighty plus wishes on them. They were looking to buy, and they didn’t want to wait. They just wanted a quick gift.

“Fairy Dynamics was still trying to break into production so they mostly ordered product from other companies and then resold it under their name. We rarely had any inventory. Someone would order something, and we would get it and deliver it. So I went back to the racks and right there on the nine-wish rack was this box. This was where we put returns and things with issues after refurbishing them. It looked good, so I slapped a sales brochure on it and carried it out to show the Daemons. I managed to sell it to them for fourteen wishes and then after they were long gone, suddenly everyone was screaming about the box that went missing.

“They put all the blame on me and fired me.”

Caerwyn asked,“So what should we ask for?”

Hazily asked, “What are you looking for?”

Caerwyn gave me a look. “Power generators and internet connections that work in Fairy. That sort of thing.”

Hazily said, “The more I think about this, the more I think I better stay out of this. I mean, put the screws to them but be careful.” He kicked the box again. “This thing has been nothing but trouble.”

Caerwyn said, “Don’t hurt the merchandise,” as Hazily disappeared.

I looked the sweat dripping down the side of the tea glass. “Great, if he talks, they’ll know we have the box and come after us. If we try to make a deal, they might come after us.”

Caerwyn shook his head. “If they do any inquiry and see Dutchess Byebye’s name come up, they’ll probably get someone else to try and steal the box. You know the pretty girl you made statues of? Goldilocks is the sort they’ll hire.”

“You know, Caerwyn, a nice cool glass of tea makes a day like this about perfect. So do we summon Goldilocks?”

Caerwyn grimaced. “She has a history of robbing people blind. I wouldn’t."

I said, “Well, even then, I don’t want to involve her if this box leads to violence. Funny how things are. This box was convenient when we needed food to get the Titans back and healthy. Now it seems cursed. There was a song when I was young that the Goblins sang. “You’ll never get rid of the—” I knocked three times on the table.

Caerwyn laughed. “Haven’t heard that in years, you do know that was originally about VD?”

I grimaced. “Thanks for ruining the song. I think I know how to manage this then. I don’t want to involve anyone else. So I will try to deal with this quickly.”

I stood and drained my tea. Then I picked up the box and went to my Fairyland of death.

This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.

#

Oddly, I felt like the world recognized me. It wasn’t a terrible feeling, but the gifts I had that told me what was safe and what was poison were telling me it was safer now for me than it was before. It still had a such a strong feeling of death that I think anyone, even without the gifting I had, could tell this world was toxic. I wasn’t sure what being recognized and being sort of an accepted thing by such a world meant.

I changed into me in a dark suit and black mask over a surgical mask and looked at the blue plastic gloves I was wearing. I sat on the box and summoned the general manager of Fairy Dynamics. “King Snipsnort requests an audience with the general manager of Fairy Dynamics.”

“Is this a prank?”

I asked, “Is this how thou dust treat customers?” and disconnected the summons.

I started another summons, “King Snipsnort is sitting on a box that Fairy Dynamics wants so he is summoning the sales coordinator of Fairy Dynamics. The deal gets more expensive the angrier that King Snipsnort gets. King Snipsnort is announcing his call the second time requesting the attention of the sales coordinator of Fairy Dynamics.”

“Look, pranks like this can get you—Wait, did you mention a box?”

I disconnected.

I got summoned. “Rasnarf the Greedy summons King Snipsnort.”

I answered, “Rasnarf, I don’t know thee, but Fairy Dynamics just raised my ire so this would not be a good time. The sales coordinator just called me ‘you,’ and it is a real pain planning an invasion of a Fairyland and the destruction of all who dwell there. After I have rendered that Fairyland unlivable, I might be in a better mood then.”

I disconnected.

I looked around and decided I needed some furniture. I went to Snipsnort and summoned Phil Thibodeaux’s contact in Chicago. I went to my factory and looked at the heavy equipment in the garage.

#

It wasn’t one of the ones that was originally outside, and I had no specific gifting on using it, but the spider excavator was the coolest looking bit of heavy equipment I had ever seen. It had a great cab, and it was potentially the most threatening. Four wheels on arms that could lift and spread. An articulated arm like a steam shovel that could have a range of heavy tools mounted on it. It had a wench on the back with a large hook.

As I drove it out, I ignored three more summons and got three more names to work with. I practiced a bit with the excavator and ignored two more summons. It wasn’t impossibly different so I was comfortable operating it and figured that in a few hours of play, I might be good at it.

I started digging. This thing was great. I drew a circle around me with the excavator by dragging the bucket. I fell in love with the machine. I wanted to know how many of them I had in all my locations. This was not just a learn it in a few hours thing. This machine could dance with all four wheels lifted in the air. It did things that would be impossible for any other tractor, excavator, or lift.

I had a plan, so I opened the gateway and took it to the dead Fairyland.

I made a circle in the dirt using the bucket. Then a circle just inside that circle. I walked it out of the double circle so I wouldn’t damage the first set of circles with tire marks. This excavator could roll or walk. Then I made another double circle beside the first double circle. I got out of the cab and made huge gossamer mirrors so I could see what I was doing as I practiced with the excavator.

I was summoned again. “Dogbane, Chief Executive Officer of Fairy Dynamics summons King Snipsnort.”

“Yes, Dogbane?”

Dogbane said, “I have heard that thou art planning an invasion on Fairy Dynamics. Art thou so foolish?”

I altered the connection so he could see what I was doing and spun the cab around with the bucket extended and raised up on the wheels to half height.

“What doest thou thinkest, Dogbane? I do love technology. See the box over in the other circle? That’s what started this. Shall I smash it, or shall I see if the Queen of Shadows will answer a summons? Or should I just come in with all my wonderful toys and see how things turn out?”

Dogbane said, “Bring me there. We can settle this in a duel—away from the steel monstrosity.”

I made sure the lights from the cab shining past the bucket in front of them gave me a good shadow and stepped out of the cab and walked out of the circle.

Then with a foot in shadow, I brought Dogbane into the world of death. I was ready to return to the cab and swing the bucket if it came to that.

He looked around and then a toxic mass of spell started forming around him. I turned it back against him. The gifting that Deacon Dan had given me was already paying off. I decided that I owed him at least one more visit to his church.

Dogbane looked around and I think realized the nature of this world. He said, “Away!”

It was a signal to someone summoning him. I slid into his shadow as he went to another world.

#

We were in a large warehouse in a Fairyland with crates on pallets and catwalks overhead. I slid into shadows.

He shouted, “Damn, he still has the box.”

The small gnarled-looking man beside him said, “Thou didn’t kill him?”

Dogbane shouted, “He plays in a deathland. He’s a freak from beyond the second veil. His Fairyland sucks life from thee. I don’t think a Fairy can last an hour in that place.”

The small man asked, “Then what do we do?”

Dogbane said, “Grab the valuables and run. Change thy name and don’t answer any summons. I don’t know thee. We never met.”

I slid through shadow and found an ornamental garden. There was a rosemary hedge being trimmed, and the rosemary didn’t seem toxic. I slipped out of shadow and picked up a cut branch that had fallen among the rest and examined it again. Safe enough so I took a leaf and chewed it.

I connected to the Fairyland, took back to shadow, and saw where several Fairies were grabbing everything they could carry in multiple forms.

A Fairy shouted, “Five more minutes. That is all. Get what thou canst. In five minutes, we set fires and leave.”

I appeared beside him.

He asked, “Who art thou?”

I shouted, “I am Snipsnort. Any more looting or threat of fire and I will act.”

The Fairy stepped back and shot the finger at me. I used mass from the world and put him in an iron cage with an interlocking horseshoe pattern for bars.

Another Fairy picked up a small cardboard box. I made another cage. The rest of the Fairies started putting things down and one by one they were summoned away. I could feel them leave this Fairyland. I felt someone try to use mass from the world, and I refused the attempt. I slid into shadow and searched. Dogbane and the small gnarled man were arguing.

“Thou art King of this Fairyland. What doest thou mean thou canst not pay me?”

Dogbane said, “I am CEO of Fairy Dynamics. Kings are a thing of the past. That monster from beyond the second veil has blocked my use of fee. Consider thy escape good enough.”

The knarled man scratched his head and then lowered his arm. Something shot out from his sleeve and hit Dogbane. Dogbane started to sparkle and then caught on fire like thin paper. As the fabric that was Dogbane was consumed the sparks few and swirled in the air above him.

The small knarled looking man said, “Good riddance to a fool who gave up a kingdom with dreams of an empire.”

He knelt. “I can tell that I am being watched and thou didst summon me earlier. Long live King Snipsnort. Art thou truly from beyond the second veil?”

I appeared and stayed ready to slip into shadow if he moved an arm to point in my direction.

He looked at me for a few seconds. “Thou has few enough tells. No offense, but thou dust smell of fish, otters, steel, and oil. There is the faint smell of death on thee. Thy aura says that thou art willing to die but have no such wish.

“I am owed two stone of food fit for high station. If thou dust pay the debts I am owed, I will depart and bother thee never.”

I asked, “Would sausage and cheese do?”

He smiled. “Thou wouldst rather pay than fight yet thou has shown thy nerve clearly. Yes, King Snipsnort, yet if thou wilt pay the debt owed me, then I will stay on and serve thee.”

I said, “I’m not sure that I want to run a business. Certainly I would prefer not to run a business that is run dishonorably.”

He bowed while still kneeling. I am Rasnarf the Greedy. I would prefer to tinker and manage no more than my garden. I would gladly serve my king but would rather not run a business.”

I nodded. “How do we manage previous commitments and wind down the business without too much debt?”

Rasnarf said, “There is a company that wishes to buy us out. They would take responsibility and pay us. Well, thou wouldst be paid since we would no longer be a company, and thou wouldst be our king.”

I asked, “Art they honorable?”

Rasnarf nodded. “A frightening reputation if threatened or cheated yet they are fair in negotiation. Let us visit my office, and I will find their latest offer. It is a strange one as I recall.”

I turned in to me with a backpack of food and placed it on a bench in front of me. “Your back pay, Lord Rasnarf.”

Rasnarf looked at the steel fittings on the backpack and back at me. “Thou dust speak with actions both generous and threatening. I will be looking forward to serving thee, my liege.”

I opened the back pack and took out the cheese, sausage, jerky, and raisin bread. He nodded. I put up the backpack as he carefully put the food in a bag one item at a time while naming each item. Then he led me to a large office with floor-to-ceiling windows showing the view of the woods and gardens below.

“Can we start growing crops again or wilt thou be diminishing this realm?”

I shook my head. “What dust thou mean?”

“Dogsbane kept all but one measure in twelve. So if I grew a bushel of tomatoes and ate them, he profited by forty-eight and a half pounds of fee and only four and a half would go back into the realm. Our world shrank whenever we ate food and thus we had to work long hours for Dogsbane to get back the measure he took.

“A wise king would put back into the world and not spend it all in other realms. Beg pardon my liege for telling thee such.”

I said, “So he took fee and spent it on himself?”

Rasnarf said, “If he had made wood, it would have ornamented this world and then degraded and come back to us. If he made stone, it would be useful ‘til it too broke down. Even steel rusts and iron is needed by plants. Yet he spent it in Fairylands with Fairies more flexible than ours, so we dared not consume much lest this Fairyland turn to barren waste.

“We had to sell things to other Fairylands to get back even a small share of what he took. Such is the way of big business. It takes away money from community and nation. It give it to those who care nothing for the realm that created the wealth.”

I nodded. I didn’t know much about business, but that sounded about right to me.

He pulled a folder out and opened it on the desk. “Here it is. ShadowFeet Holdings. They are offering a hundred and fifteen tons of balanced mulch certified by the Crossroads Council on Better Agricultural Practices, along with that there are some odds and ends, nothing special compared to the mulch, but interesting. Six Fairynet beacons, six power supplies, and six Shadow Mark cell phones.

“The power supplies are mostly useless unless you want to make sparks. I’m not even sure about the Shadow Mark company. I think it’s new. There are also nine time coolers and three kitchen sets. I am not sure what the kitchen sets are but from what I hear, the time coolers are amazing.”

I asked, “What’s a Fairynet beacon?”

Rasnarf said, “Unless thou art looking for conspiracy theories and porn, they are pretty much useless. They connect with the internet in Real and thou canst even trust the internet to give thee accurate weather reports. Not that Real world weather reports are all that interesting.

“So while the mulch is an amazing offer that we should have taken ages ago, apart from the mulch and the time coolers, thou wilt not be getting anything of much value.”

I said, “So we make the deal, and the realm gets the mulch. Would that make up for what Dogsbane spent?”

Rasnarf got on a knee and bowed. “Long Live King Snipsnort.”

I asked, “Please rise, how do we contact them?”

He stood and took a card out of the folder and handed it to me. It had a symbol I had not seen before for summoning. I could recognize it so I spent a while memorizing the turns on it. Then I noticed the name on the card: Nia Gray, Associate Manager, ShadowFeet Holdings.

I recognized the name. I had returned a purse to her only a few days back, yet it felt like years had passed.

Rasnarf said, “It looks as if thou hast dealt with them before. Then thou dust know to be careful.”

I nodded, held the card up and made the summons using the pattern on the card. “Nia Gray, Associate Manager of ShadowFeet Holdings. King Snipsnort summons thee.”

She answered, “Phil, come on through.”

#

We were in a small cold Fairyland with a small barn and trees. I looked up at the trees and asked, “Are those cherries?”

Nia pointed. “Those are White Gold and that one is a Coe’s Translucent. You should try them.”

I shook my head. “That would be rude of me. I tend to connect to Fairylands that I eat from.”

Nia laughed. “That’s the entire point. A gateway to the world with your equipment is in the barn. You can put the box in the barn at your own convenience. You are two days ahead of schedule but a Gleaning Fairy will be contacting you soon to deliver the mulch.

“The Fairy that will contact you goes by, ‘Fargone Banana.’ You’ll understand why when you meet her.”

I asked, “Are you giving me this world?”

She said, “Sharing it really. Others will use it, but you can feel free to pick all you want. You may meet others here. When time speeds up, let it. The folk who use this world try to keep this world either in bloom or in fruit.

“I have to go. I have been warned not to stay too long. We don’t want to be obvious to those who prognosticate this sort of thing.”

I looked up at the trees. “I’m told that your group can afford this, but I still don’t understand your generosity.”

She shadow stepped to a high limb and picked a couple of cherries. “Imagine that you had an unlicensed pet rescue service and hundreds of really cute puppies that needed homes. You love the puppies, but it is too much work to take care of them all, and it gets rather expensive. Since you are doing this quietly without any authorities involved, you are delighted and may even seem forceful as you find someone who needs a wonderful dog.

“To the ones that want a puppy, you seem way too kind. To you, your only regret is that you can’t find more good homes for puppies. It is a lot like that except we also need Phil the hero to save a few puppies from cruel people who want to make coats out of their fur. It is something like that.

“Well, I thought it was just that until I saw the time coolers. Now I suspect that someone who loves etoufee has plans that involve you. To say more would be to say too much, so I should go now.”

She smiled and disappeared.

I shadow stepped up to a limb with several cherries in easy reach. I picked a few, ate a few ,and then stopped when I realized I had been going from branch to branch, sitting and eating all the cherries in sight.

I shadow stepped down to the barn and through the gateway.