I went back to Fairy, made several leather blades like the rusted steel ward breaker he had given me and then summoned Caerwyn again. “Caerwyn, can we summon your mother for you to return? We can practice in Fairy.”
Inside the circle of columns holding the stone roof over the seven-way intersection, we practiced fighting with blades. Time was sped up so I took him through shadow to see Mr. Hubert and Uncle Anthony still soaking in the water with no change from the last time I looked. I fed us with sausage, bread, cheese, and candy from my backpacks. I would have to replenish my food supply soon and find something with some more variety. Boudin and some crackers would make a nice change. Some smoked fish would have been better than perfect.
Rested and ready for what might come, Caerwyn summoned his mother and took us home.
Caerwyn sent a message to bugteeth68, “Be ready, you are about to meet The Fishmonger.
I prepared myself and started the summons. “Rodger Emanuel Qin, The Fishmonger summons thee.”
When he replied, “Wow, come right here.” I knew it was a trap. He knew the summons could be used to transport people. He was familiar with real magic.
I went anyway. We were in a huge industrial basement with windows way above and grass growing up on the other side of the windows. There was a huge circle painted on the floor centered in the area without pipes and fittings. The floor above us had a large circle about a quarter of the size of the circle on the floor cut out neatly showing a ceiling much higher above.
I was in an impossible place. I was in Real and I was in a Fairyland.
The young man in front of me had eyes shifting and looking. Examining me while holding still in a half-crouched sort of knee-bent posture like someone playing dodgeball.
He said, “You must gift me or fight.”
I said, “I can’t gift.”
A small man with folded wings on his back said, “He probably can. He’s trying to link with the Fairyland as we speak. I’m blocking it, but don’t take too long, my lord.”
I said, “What if I win?”
He said, “I gift you. That’s the general idea. That way you don’t have incentive to kill me. But if you won’t gift me, then I have no such incentive.”
I asked, “How about a backpack with fifty thousand dollars?”
He said, “Deal, what gift do you want?”
I had no idea what he could do. I had just learned to use a knife, and I could turn into a big rooster. I could shadow step. I was pretty sure I could kill him if I wanted. I didn’t want to kill anyone, and I didn’t know what else I could do. I looked up and stepped back. My foot was over a long crack in the floor. I had a shadow to use.
I looked at the circle. “Teach me how to put Fairy over Real like this.”
He kept his eyes steadily on mine. “That would be a deal, then. Fairies, attack.”
I slid into shadow and dropped out behind him, stomped the floor and went to the shadows behind a mass of pipes that went up to the floor above. I turned into a giant rooster.
He shouted, “Not fair, leaving the circle.”
I said, “You should have told me the rules first.” That was what I intended to say, but I was a giant rooster and what came out was quite a bit different. The glass windows high above us fragmented. I couldn’t see what had happened to the Fairies. He was on the ground holding his ears. I turned back into myself and walked back into the circle.
He was clearly in pain. I was worried that he might not be able to hear. I summoned Fats.
“Fats, this is Phil, King of Snipsnort. I think I just hurt someone pretty bad. How much for a house call?”
Fats said, “Are you feeding me?”
I said, “I have some sausage, cheese, and bread. Nothing fancy. I have a few soft drinks. I also have cash.”
Fats asked, “How much sausage, cheese and bread?”
I said, “Maybe twenty-five pounds, not counting the soft drinks. Let me check. Okay, I have five one-pound packages of sharp cheddar. Three loaves of bread and seven twelve-ounce summer sausages. A couple of jars of mayo and some mustard.”
Fats asked, “What kind of mayo and what kind of mustard?”
I said, “Dijon mustard. The spicy kind. The mayo is real mayonnaise but nothing special.”
Fats said, “Bring me there.”
Fats looked down at the youth. “Damn wizard. Sure thou wantest to help him? They cause more harm than good. Monsters all of them. I should know monsters, I work with the Unseelie. Tell thee what, I’ll look the other way, and thou canst slit his throat. Then I’ll gift thee with something more useful than whatever curse he was gonna teach thee. Didst thou say thou wert King Snipsnort now?”
I nodded. “Yes, but I’m not really interested in killing anyone, wizard or otherwise.”
Fats nodded. “I give thee maybe two years before thou dust change thy mind. Still, not up to me to try and push a person’s ethical boundaries.”
Fats knelt. “Yep, internal bleeding, broken ear drums. Concussion and a headache. This is gonna cost thee. How about all seven of the sausages and two of the cheeses?”
I nodded.
He shook his head. “Must be nice to be able to throw around wealth like that. It sure pays to be a King.”
Fats spent a while with his eyes closed and then looked up at me. “He’s going to be desperate for something to drink when he comes to. You can probably extort him for more than just the one gift. You got two peers of Fairy cowering in corners, and this fellow was wrecked pretty badly. No wonder thou managed to take over Snipsnort.”
I held out the plastic shopping bag with all the food in it and said, “Keep the rest as credit.”
He nodded to me, took the bag, and disappeared.
The fellow on the ground shifted position. He rolled over and looked up at me. I held up the bag with the six soft drink bottles in it. “You like root beer?”
He winced. “Can I gift you after I have recovered? What was that? I saw a dark shape behind the pipes and then wham.”
I said, “Fine. I’ll contact you later.”
I took to the shadows and started searching for road signs to tell me where I was. Outside it was a clear and pleasant night, not like the overcast storm I left back in Mr. Hubert’s neighborhood.
Realizing I had other options now. I took out my cell phone and pulled up a map. I wasn’t terribly far from where I wanted to go. I put the cellphone in my backpack and since they were checking packs at the Goblin Music Festival, I changed into me without the weapons.
#
They recognized me at the gate and waved me in past the line. It pays to be a fake hero sometimes. There were lights in the parking lot, and the shadows were good, so I went to the spot that my family had been hanging out the night before.
They were all there. They were fine. The music was too loud to talk over, and they probably hadn’t heard the summons. I didn’t even stop to say hi. I was relieved and disgusted. I went down to the gate and waved to one of the girls there.
She gestured for me to follow and went into the security station. I followed.
She gestured to a duffle bag. “That bag is for you. Please bring your pale friend here. Summon me to come back. I’m Tess Gray. Then you can go to Fairy, speed time, check the contents of the bag, eat, and get rested. After you rest, check out your briefcase. Then when you are ready, summon your friend, and enjoy the festival. If you come back and it looks like Caerwyn and I are getting along, give a girl a break and just go to the festival and leave Caerwyn with me.”
I smiled at her. “Tess Gray?”
She nodded so I grabbed the bag and went to Fairy. A cart was coming towards the seven-way intersection so I took to shadows and went to the manor house. It was sealed up so I pulled the brick out of the wall. As an owl I might make it. As a rook I was not going to fit easily. Maybe if I went slow but that might get me stuck between wards. I put the brick back and went the gate. I couldn’t approach the gate, so the door was going to be my only option.
This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
Then I thought about the knife I had. I took it out and held it in front of me and passed the wards. I shadow stepped the rest of the way in and put the knife away in another form before going down to see Mr. Hubert and Uncle Anthony.
I felt Hippydippy speeding time up to a hundred years per day in Real. I let her.
Sitting on the steps down to the basement I opened the duffle bag.
There were a couple of quilted blankets wrapped around a long wooden box. I folded the blankets up and put them on the stairs so they wouldn’t get wet when I splashed around in the pools checking on Mr. Hubert and Uncle Anthony. I tapped on the new box. It had a muted tone so as an instrument it was nothing special. It looked really nice, but I couldn’t really see it as a piece of furniture. It was too low to be a table unless you put it on its side and even then it was still low and too narrow. The end of it had a drawer pull. I pulled on it, and it was like a really long empty drawer. It only opened halfway, so I checked the other end and pulled the drawer open.
Inside there were six stainless steel boxes with clasps on them. On top of the boxes was a folded piece of glossy paper with a logo of a winged Fairy holding a monkey wrench. Below the logo were the words: Fairy Dynamics, LTD.
I opened what I thought was a note and discovered was a slick sales brochure.
“Congratulations on acquiring the finest in conveniences from Fairy Dynamics. Properly cared for, this should provide thee with dependable service for hundreds of years. Please summon Hazily Midnight, our sales coordinator, for a discussion of your further needs and our reasonable prices. We appreciate our loyal customers and look forward to further business.”
Below the note was a diagram like the ones I have seen others use to summon with. There was a card held by the corners in four slits in the brochure.
I examined the card. It had the image of the Flying Fairy with a monkey wrench and the words: Fairy Dynamics, Hazily Midnight, Sales Coordinator.
I took one of the stainless steel boxes out of the drawer and closed the drawer. The steel box had several layers all held together by latches. Unlatched, there were three deep trays and a lid. In the trays were sheets of wax paper over the contents, a pair of chopsticks, and a small spoon with a long handle. Some sort of seasoned fish, fried shrimp, a few things I couldn’t identify, and some rice. It looked wholesome so I picked up a shrimp and ate it. I used the spoon mostly and stabbed a few things with a chopstick. I never learned to use chopsticks, but the spoon mostly worked, and the food was great. I cleaned out the trays and then dipped water from the pools to clean them up and wash the drains.
I sat and played on my cajon and looked at the statues in the pools. I wanted to play sad Irish tunes on my pennywhistle, but I couldn’t pound on my cajon while doing it. I wanted to beat a rhythm more and the Irish tunes would end up making me cry. I realized that Tess Gray had told me to bring Caerwyn to the Festival first, so I slowed time to match with Real and Summoned Caerwyn.
Caerwyn asked, “Are you at the festival?”
I said, “I’m in the Fairy basement with two statues. Come here and let’s talk.”
Caerwyn moved one of the blankets and sat on it. “Good idea, these stairs are cold. So what do we talk about?”
I said, “There’s a Goblin girl at the Festival, one of the officials, who wants to meet you and wants me to give her room to try and make you her boyfriend.”
Caerwyn started taking his shoes off. “Is she cute? How old does she look?”
I shook my head. “Impossible to guess, but she could just barely pass as an adult. Yeah, she’s cute, but if your standards are Daemon, from the few I have seen, she may not be anything special.”
Caerwyn smiled and got up. He went to the pool with Uncle Anthony in it and started examining him. “What are these poultices?”
I paused tapping on my cajon for a moment. “The bandages were given to me by the Goblins running the festival. There’s a group of Goblins that know a lot about me and have been really helpful. I’m a little nervous to say much more about them.”
Caerwyn got out of the pool and went over to the one with Mr. Hubert in it. He started examining Mr. Hubert. “Phil, I didn’t examine them that closely when I was here last, but I think they’re changing color. Roland more than Anthony. I think Roland’s color is shifting in time with your music.”
I stopped playing.
Caerwyn said, “It shifts back a bit when you don’t play.”
I started playing again. “Any changes?”
Caerwyn said, “I don’t know if it’s good or bad, but it definitely responds to your music.”
I stopped playing again. “They gave me a briefcase of stuff they want me to read. I can read, but I’m not the fastest reader you ever met. Maybe the slowest, but I understand it fine. We should get you to the Festival so you can meet your new girlfriend. I’ll come back and speed time here so I shouldn’t be long.
“After I summon you, if you look at me and scratch your head, I’ll find something else to do until you summon me so you can spend more time getting all lovey-dovey.”
He nodded. “What’s her name?”
I said, “Tess Gray.”
He looked up at me. “I need to get on a computer and look up that name. Something about a Goblin girl named Gray rings a bell.”
He got out of the pool, and I handed him a towel. “The towel is gossamer, so don’t chew on it.”
He smiled and dried off his feet before sitting beside me and picking up his shoes.
I asked, “No socks?”
He said, “I’m a Daemon, my skin is tougher than it looks.”
He finished tying his shoes and held his hand out to me. “Ready to go.”
I summoned Tess Gray.”
She asked, “Is Caerwyn with you?”
I said, “Right here. I’ll drop him off and then run back to Fairy.”
She brought us to the security booth at the gate to the old factory. I nodded and went back to Fairy.
#
I appeared on the platform in the middle of the roundabout intersection under the gazebo with seven roads coming in. Six men were sitting on the step to the platform and looked up at me. I sped time up since it looked like they wanted to talk.
They stepped to the road, kneeled and bowed. “Long live King Snipsnort!”
I said, “Please rise.”
One of the men was Leafsound, the fellow I met at the Leidingstad market.
Leafsound bowed again and gestured. “Please allow me to introduce the five men who have been managing this world up until you became the king.”
He gestured to the men. “Mettle, Thrift, Jib, Knocker, and Reader.”
Reader said, “There is also a woman’s group that is more influential. We just manage the obvious things.”
I asked, “When do I meet the woman’s group?”
Reader shrugged. “Probably never. I’m sure that a representative will make it clear when they disagree with a decision. After a while, you will probably just give in to most of their suggestions.”
The other men shifted nervously and looked around.
Thrift said, “We did get a message from them before we came here. They like the cats. They don’t want too many, but they think two more since they don’t want inbreeding. Did you really bring cats here? I mean, the ladies are happy with it, but cats are nothing if not trouble.”
Mettle said, “In any case before we dissolve our organization and hand it over to you, we have prepared quite a few papers for you to read.”
I said, “Can you just keep managing things? Call this a constitutional monarchy or something like they have in Europe. If you’ve managed things and folk are getting by, let’s just leave it the way it is.”
Thrift said, “That would be prudent at least for now but there are a few complications. We have, because of our fear that the nobles might decide to get involved and wonder at our wealth, for our own safety lived on scant anonymous donations.”
I asked, “Then should I make you councilors? I am not sure how to pay you?”
Jib shook his head. “Not to ask for trouble, yet kings have been known to have short lives. We would rather remain a bit more hidden since we have no idea how the nobility might react at some time in the future. You could always use your treasury since it has been stacking up wealth for ages and has only been tapped into for public good.”
Thrift said, “If you made a donation to our anonymous fund, however, it would be appreciated.”
I nodded, “How do I do that?”
Jib said, “Sadly, we cannot tell you since we have never had such position or duty. Your highness must resolve that puzzle without us.”
I asked, “I am puzzled with a bit of manners. Why is the phrase, ‘your highness,’ polite yet the word you is offensive?”
Mettle glanced at Jib. “You implies ownership. You can say you and most here will not have issue. But when I say, ‘My liege,’ I imply a sort of reciprocal ownership. So for me to say ‘you’ to you would be improper, at least in some Fairylands. When I say, ‘Your Highness,’ I am affirming that you possess a great position.”
Reader asked, “If I may, where did you learn the speech?”
I answered, “I was raised with the King James Bible and a Complete Shakespeare. What I have is a weak understanding from trying to understand those two sources.”
Reader said, “Truth be know, your Fairyland is a bit behind the times. Almost none of us are tiny and even less have wings. We are a bit old fashioned in that regard. When all the Fairies started being touchy about thee and thou, we tried hard to keep up but we don’t really have the language down ourselves.”
The sun started to come up and the men looked around nervously.
Mettle said, “We and you would not be best served by our acquaintance being well know. ‘Til we have need for guidance, we shalt depart and wish you a long and healthy life.”
“Long live King Snipsnort.”
#
I went to the manor and the cats were waiting for me. I let them in and locked the door. In the basement, they had already claimed both of the folded quilts that were sitting on the steps.
I sat and slapped my cajon until I felt like eating. Opening the box, there were six black lacquered cases instead of the five steel ones that were there when I closed the box. I closed the box and opened it again. There were six clear plastic containers with salad in them.
I opened and closed it until I saw twenty-four frozen drinks with straws. I took one and closed the box. It had a pineapple-coconut flavor so I was happy with it. I still didn’t know what was up with the box.
I continued playing and checking on Mr. Hubert. Changes in color were happening, but I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad. I kept playing, hoping it was the right thing to do. The cats got up and decided to sit on the dry part of Mr. Hubert while I played. I wasn’t sure Mr. Hubert would want them sitting on his head if he were well, but I didn’t see any harm in it considering his current state of health.
I took a break and explored the manor again. The cats came with me. Partway through the exploration, the cats both left. I stretched and went back down to see if Mr. Hubert or Uncle Anthony had changed anymore. Mr. Hubert’s face wasn’t the same. It looked like a Goblin that had gotten shadow burn. It had the look of a ceramic statue that had been made from a mold that had been used too long and the features were rounded and less distinct.
I summoned Tess Gray. She didn’t answer. I realized time was going fast and slowed it. I summoned her again. She didn’t answer. I looked at Uncle Anthony and Mr. Hubert’s statues. Mr. Hubert was looking like a poorly made statue.
I tried summoning Tess Gray again. Again I got no answer. I tried summoning Caerwyn. No answer. They might be where the music was loud. They probably were. I didn’t know who else to summon. I summoned Fats.
“Sorry to bother, but dust thou know anything about Titans when they are statues?”
Fats said, “Phil, it is good to hear thy voice, but no, I am only skilled in working with organic beings.”
I said, “Thank thee, dust thou know of anyone that might know anything?”
Fats replied, “Sadly, no.”
I said, “Thank you.” I disconnected.
I summoned Count Juniper.
Count Juniper said, “Phil, the story is that thou art a King of Fairy? Is that for real?”
I asked, “Canst thou come? I have a few issues and I could use thy advice.”
Count Juniper said, “Of course.” He appeared beside me.
Count Juniper walked over to the edge of the pools where the statues were. “This is not a usual circumstance, Phil. I can tell they are both still active, but they are more like giants of old than modern Titans.
“On another subject, since thou has managed to make use of the powers thou didst ask for, I should gift them yet again so they are fresh. My commitment to thy satisfaction remains, but I must check on a few things. What is thy title now, Phil?”
I said, “King Snipsnort.”
Count Juniper nodded. “That does change things, Thy Majesty. Let us pretend I did not hear that yet and gift thee things again before that would seem improper.”
I grinned at him and lowered my head. He gifted me several times and nodded before disappearing.