I stood in the kitchen and just let the illusions swirl around me and form into kitchen equipment and furniture. My odd cloudy dreams of kitchen design and equipment that was almost aware merged in with my lifelong passion for thumping rhythms on every surface I was near. It was odd though. I had a taste for rhythms that were fast, inaudible frequencies, almost fast enough to be visible and some faster than that. I felt my bond with Hubert and took a deep comfortable breath.
I had felt that I no longer belonged, and somehow having the connection to Hubert restored felt like being family.
I had to shift my perfect dream of the kitchen a bit. The window and plumbing placement were good, but not quite what I would choose if I were making it all from scratch. My dream came together, and so did a kitchen with hanging copper-bottomed pots, a pair of burners for Hubert to put woks on, stoves, mixers, and all the other equipment we used and my overgifted delirium had either taught me or invented.
Everything was going to resonate in ways that helped Hubert, and just about everything was going to be wonderful for thumping on and making a rhythm while I waited for pots to boil. My dream kitchen was as much a percussion instrument as a place to cook.
To test it, I started simple. I had boudain and shrimp at Hubert’s mansion. Thawing boudan took time. It was store-bought boudain, not the wonderful dish Monroe taught me to cook, but still tasty. The shrimp was making me think of shrimp creole.
In a large skillet, I melted butter on a very low temperature while I cut onion, red bell pepper and celery and added it all to the butter.
While I waited on that to soften, I started washing rice. When the vegetables were soft, I turned the heat off since I had forgotten to gather the stuff I needed. When I got back from the time coolers, I turned the heat back on and added salt, pepper, garlic powder, paprika, thyme, oregano, and cayenne. I chopped some real garlic and added it just as the smell of the spices started to make me think life was a wonderful thing.
Hubert came in and took over the rice from me and asked, “Shrimp creole?”
I nodded.
He looked around the kitchen. “This isn’t the equipment from downstairs. It’s beautiful. Who’s the second woman?”
I looked at where I had embellished images of Olivia beside Goldilocks. “Olivia. She’s a friend of Goldilocks.”
Hubert smiled. “I’m thinking you should take those aging pills so you don’t spend years with your voice cracking.”
As I chopped tomatoes, I shook my head. “I don’t trust the pills. The source did a lot for us. I am grateful, but they also came close to killing us both. I would rather not risk taking anything from them. They seem friendly and then it seems strained like they are about to stab me in the back and twist the knife.”
I added the tomatoes to the mix as Hubert started peeling the shrimp.
I added chicken broth and a bay leaf to the mix and started chopping green onions. “Hubert, in the cabinet up there is a shrimp peeler. It has an image of Goldilocks riding a shrimp on the front of it.”
Hubert asked, “This big thing, how do I use it?”
I said, “Put a large bowl by the port with the shrimp head over it to catch the shells. Put a bowl by the port with the peeled shrimp and then just add shrimp to the top. When you’re done, push the button with the flame image over it. Keep the shell bowl in place because the ashes from cleaning will come out there.”
Hubert started processing the shrimp as I added most of the green onions and some Worcestershire sauce to the skillet and set it to slowly simmer.
Anthony came in with Swampy riding on his shoulder. “Smells wonderful.”
I asked, “Shall we start you with some toast and eggs over easy?”
Anthony nodded. “This is already beginning to feel like home.”
Swampy made her boots disappear and jumped to the counter. She walked over to the salt and pepper shaker and grinder. “Goldilocks and another girl. Should I be jealous?”
I nodded. “The pepper shaker is Olivia, and I suspect a lot of girls get jealous when they see her.”
Swampy poked the pepper shaker. “I’m not scared of you.” She turned back and shook her head at me. “The pills are safe. Keep taking them. Their source is mostly safe, but nothing is entirely safe. There are mad prophets trying to turn everything against everything so we have to be careful. Soon the crazy years will start to show just how crazy things can get.”
Caerwyn came up and asked, “Do you really think we can trust them?”
Swampy said, “You can’t ever. At least three Goblin girls have wicked plans for you, Caerwyn. Don’t ever let them get you alone. I don’t want to lose a single member of my reverse harem.”
She looked at me and I said, “I love Goldilocks, so leave me out of your harem plans.”
She said, “You’re the lumpy-looking wizard kid. Not even part of the love interest side story. These three hunks are my harem. Sam and Ivan Raimi proved that romance was a plot killer, so your destiny as a world saver has nothing to do with my collection of hunks.”
I asked, “Does dementia happen a lot when a person dies violently?”
Swampy nodded. “That and we dark prophetic witch women are supposed to be a bit crazy. I’m just going for the fun type of crazy. In case you didn’t notice, I didn’t get a lot of fun crazy when I was alive.”
I served Anthony his eggs and toast. “Caerwyn, want some eggs and toast? The shrimp creole will take another fifteen minutes.”
Caerwyn said, “Eggs and toast sounds great, but I want it with the shrimp creole. Creole sauce with eggs sound like a dream come true.”
I looked at Swampy, “How much food can you eat?”
She sat by Caerwyn and batted her eyes at me. “I’ll share with Caerwyn when his food’s ready.”
I asked, “Hubert, eggs and toast with your shrimp creole?”
He shook his head. “Eggs and toast with the boudain that looks almost ready. Then shrimp creole. I’m starting a bread pudding so I hope everyone is hungry.”
When it was ready, a few more spices and a touch of lemon juice made the shrimp creole perfect. I thought about the plan to move people to the Fairy Dynamics Fairyland, but I hadn’t seen that much of it and this was beginning to feel like home.
#
In the manor house, Anthony and Hubert were completely settled in and Caerwyn was talking about my building another manor house beside this one for him to move into.
Anthony had done an estimate on the supplies in the time coolers and even without the fish in the tanks, we could get by for four years.
Hubert said, “We’ve managed to make friends down in Leidingstad. Odd part is we have a job as well.”
Anthony said, “We were sitting in the market trying to decide what to trade for some coins when it became clear that money was something only the least trusted individuals used. We were watching and saw an argument break out between a pair of vendors.
“‘Since trusted and honorable tradesmen still have to take coins,’ one merchant said, ‘It’s a good thing that you have a good stock of coins. The moment everyone catches on to you ways, you’ll need them to make exchanges.’
The other merchant replied, ‘I get all the coins because you art so slow with your service.’
From that argument it became clear that the coins were just handed up the chain to be paid to keep the ethically impoverished fed and sheltered.”
Hubert said, “So a few men gathered and asked if there were witnesses. Anthony, in a moment of odd humor said, ‘It would be easy enough to settle this. Since the honorable merchant with the roast lamb is jealous of the sausage vendor’s coins, I think the sausage vendor should be generous and share them. That would be the honorable way to deal with it and give the roast lamb vendor some spending money.’”
Anthony nodded. “After that, we spent the afternoon settling arguments. I almost think we are entertainment as much as a way to have neutral parties settle issues.”
Hubert said, “They did mention how indebted they would all be if someone managed to talk the king into finishing the amphitheater for them.”
I got up. “Lead the way. I might as well get it done.”
Hubert slid a bundle of papers over to me. “I took a look at it and made a few diagrams of how I think it should be finished.”
I looked over the diagrams and made a gossamer model. “It looks good to me. You know I’m going to have to add some artwork to it. We might as well do it now.”
We walked down to Leidingstad. People started bowing. After saying “Please rise” over and over, I asked a woman, “How does a king get everyone to stop bowing?”
She kept her gaze down. “Your Majesty, when you tire of the pomp, put on a disguise. It is considered bad form to recognize a Fairy Royal in disguise no matter how poor the disguise is.”
Anthony said, “Phil, can you promote her to an advisor? We need someone who knows the rules.”
She backed up into the crowd with her gaze still down.
Hubert shook his head. “Looks like she knows enough to avoid an appointment at court.”
#
On the way up the road to the amphitheater, the crew that had been working on building the bridge were debating what to do with a large stone that had cracked. Leafsound was with them.
From nearby I heard, “Long live King Snipsnort!”
The workers looked around and then bowed to me. “Long live King Snipsnort!”
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I thought I was over it, but found myself suppressing a laugh at my ridiculous title. I managed to say, “Please rise,” without laughing, giggling or tittering but it took serious effort.
Goldilocks summoned me. “Phil, Olivia just mentioned a way you might be able to find that Dwarf girl. Don’t say her name, she might be able to listen in or detect if you do. She has managed to be elusive so far, so she may be able to listen in. Are you in a good place for us to visit?”
I asked, “Is it okay if I bring Goldilocks and a friend of hers here?”
Hubert smiled. “It is odd to consider, but having her take copies of your art and hide them away doesn’t bother me at all.”
Anthony looked at Hubert. “It seems like a great opportunity, and if you are going to ignore history, who am I to argue?”
I brought Goldilocks and Olivia through.
Olivia offered me her hand. “Goldie, distract the men. Phil, take us somewhere we can talk.”
I took Olivia through shadow and to the kitchen in the manor house.
“I didn’t ask before I used you as a model.”
Olivia looked around the kitchen. “You made all of this?”
I nodded.
She said, “Feel free to use me as a model. I know you are going to end up saying that you love Goldie and you understand her, but tell people I’m your muse.
“As far as finding the difficult Dwarf goes, a rune was almost certainly left behind. A rune of concealment would be with it, and maybe runework to warn, but more runes would make it harder to hide. The person you’re looking for has been left out of everything and has a serious lack of people skills. The runes were quite likely made as a way to get back and maybe spy on the place. So now I need to gift you with rune craft, and then we practice a little.”
I asked, “Why are you being so kind?”
She smiled. “Call it solidarity between fishmongers. When I heard you wouldn’t take things from your people, I decided your heart was in the right place.”
She kissed my forehead and took out a pencil and a stack of sticky notes. She looked at my hands where I was thumping on the table so I stopped. She drew character after character on sticky notes and then handed me a blank stack of sticky notes and a pencil.
As I drew, she started beating a rhythm on the table and slowly figured out that the entire kitchen was made to also be a percussion set. By the time I finished she was wildly dancing and performing music on the hanging pans, counters, and cabinets.
I joined her and we clumsily and happily danced and made music.
She laughed when we stopped. “How much for a kitchen like this?”
I shook my head. “You just gave me a clue and a gift. I owe you.”
She brushed back her hair. “One warning. Rune paths are often trapped. Some runes are nothing but a trap. Others may require you to be ready to dodge left or duck or jump. So be very careful, and if it feels suspicious, don’t use it.”
She held out her hand. “We should get back before Goldie comes up with a way to cause some real trouble.”
I glanced at the locations where she had hidden runes and took her hand. She smiled and said, “You missed two of them.”
I took her through shadow and back to where the amphitheater was going to be. I didn’t mention that there were three runes I hadn’t pointed out.
Goldilocks had already made a gossamer model of Hubert’s plans for finishing the amphitheater. She’d made substantial changes. I made a few more changes and asked, “Any objections?”
The workers looked happy, so I started making the various pieces and sections. I had hidden images of Anteater, Hey Guy, Lord Loadstone, Hippydippy, and Duchess Byebye in various parts of the stonework. The images of Goldie and Olivia were more obvious. I had also put a few images of the cats hidden in various parts of the amphitheater just because there needed to be a few more surprises for anyone who really wanted to explore it. As I built it, I made it in illusion and then relaxed on my control of it so that my subconscious imagination had a chance to run wild with the details. After examining the results to make sure too much wasn’t being revealed, I made the illusions in real stone.
In a dark corner high up in a place that no one could normally walk, I changed into me with a platter of fish and started to eat the bread and vegetables. I was tempted by the fish but I still hadn’t gotten over living on only fish for way too long while in a haze. The cats appeared in front of me so I broke some fish and gave it to them.
White Gloves dragged off a chunk of the fish and sat with it. Fuzzy lay down with her fish and started wolfing it down.
I couldn’t face watching Fuzzy eat the fish, so I took myself to the storage Fairyland with the statues and mattresses.
#
I sped time, lay back and slept. I had a dream about eating potatoes, so when I got up I went to Real and went to a grocery store.
#
I was thinking that there were potatoes in the time coolers, but I didn’t want to time to pass while I cooked. Then I realized I had messed up. I had left everyone running fast in Snipsnort, gone to a storage world, set time faster, then I went to Real, and time had passed without me. I slowed the time to match Real in Snipsnort and to barely move in the storage world, but over a day had passed in Snipsnort and weeks in the storage world.
I started to empty the cart and then went back and forth on the decision. Instead, I went to a fast food place near the grocery store and ordered fried chicken livers.
I was sitting in a booth waiting for my order when Caerwyn summoned me. “Phil, are you okay?”
I nodded and then realized a nod wouldn’t be heard. “I’m fine. I went to a sped up Fairyland to rest in the middle of building the amphitheater, and when I woke up I forgot things were sped up so I went to Real to get some food. Tell everyone I’m sorry.”
Caerwyn said, “No prob, Phil. We were just concerned. Fuzzy said you looked sick and left.”
I said, “I’m waiting on an order of fried chicken livers. Do you want anything?”
Caerwyn said, “No, I’m good. Now I kind of hate to ask, but is it still possible to get a house put in beside this one?”
I said, “Yes, that would be great, but let me finish the amphitheater first. Get with Hubert and make some plans for it.”
Caerwyn said, “I’m being asked too many questions on this side, Phil, so I will talk to you later.”
#
After finishing the amphitheater, I was hungry and tired again so I sped the storage world I had been sleeping in up to match with Real before taking myself there. As I got ready to speed up the world so I could catch a fast nap without anyone knowing, Goldilocks and Olivia showed up.
Goldilocks said, “I felt you speed up this world, so I knew you would be here. When are you going to finish the amphitheater?”
I smiled. “Good to see you both. I finished it and was about to take a nap.”
Goldilocks said, “Fine, get your rest. We will be looking at the amphitheater. Summon me when you are rested.”
#
I woke up from a dream where I was in a kitchen Fairyland cooking potatoes. The kitchen didn’t make much sense, but my dreams had been shifting between realistic and outrageously fanciful and this was one of the fanciful ones.
I matched time with Snipsnort and summoned Goldilocks.
#
Goldilocks brought me through, and then I gave Olivia and Goldilocks a guided tour.
I ended the tour in front of a statue of Olivia and Goldilocks standing back to back.
Olivia asked, “Phil, darling, can you spare the mass to build me a copy of this in a Fairyland? I would love an amphitheater Fairyland, especially if it had a kitchen like the one you made tucked away underneath.
“Goldilocks, you owe me a couple of Fairylands.”
Goldilocks shook her head, “Phil, did you make a kitchen?”
I said, “I made it for Hubert, but I would be happy to make you one.”
Goldilocks said, “Olivia, you never cook. Why on earth do you want a kitchen.”
Olivia pouted. “I do cook. I cook quite a bit, but once you see what Phil does for a kitchen, you will want the kitchen he just offered. It’s as much a work of art as it is a kitchen, and it is more than just that.”
Goldilocks said, “Fine. Phil, someone with very deep pockets, who will remain unmentioned, let me know that they would love to find out if you needed anything.
“I was going to give you a darling little Fairyland that I had, but now I think I should give it to Olivia, and we’ll build yours from scratch. Let’s fix up Olivia first. You can make her a kitchen and then we can see about some serious apprentice training for you.”
In a Fairyland with the sun appearing as a gilded painting over a pasture with a few trees and the ruins of a stone cottage, Golilocks said, “Well, first thing is to take that cottage and all the stone walls to a Fairyland for storage. This grass is good, so we want to save these patches. The pond will need to be drained to a gossamer tank in another Fairyland and then the topsoil taken sifted through gossamer gratings. Then we’ll see if there is rock under this and if a cave is hidden here.”
I started moving it all and doing what she said to do while Goldilocks and Olivia talked.
“Olivia, do you really want an amphitheater?”
Olivia said, “No, but it’s always hedge mazes, gazebos, and raised herb gardens in Fairylands. I have a few that the Dread Lord filled with majestic trees and made cascading waterfalls in, so I don’t really need one like that. Phil’s amphitheater looks good, actually nicer than the Artist Named Ben’s amphitheater, so I thought it might be nice. But it would spoil the view from the kitchen window.”
Goldilocks said, “And then we end up with a few fruit trees and butterflies flitting in an herb garden with statues and a maze. Might at well have a few scenic gazebos. After a while, all Fairylands end up there unless they are the creepy type.”
They moved to another Fairyland and kept a full gateway open so they could watch me work. My supply of carbonated beverages and fruit drinks ran out, so I took some time to set up the gossamer and steel filters needed to purify the pond water and then the various stone and mineral filters to run it through and make it taste right. I was running out of food that I could face eating. I needed to set up some variety so I didn’t wear myself out with everything I liked to eat.
I stopped and asked, “Do you think the friends with deep pockets would give me a time locker?”
Goldilocks said, “Good plan. I’ll ask about time lockers. Go ahead and finish up here in fast time and Olivia and I will go check. Slow time when you are ready for the next step.”
I sped time and slept. After getting down to stone, I found the passage down to the Fairylands filters. Just gravel and sand with roots running through it and a membrane sort of gateway to wick moisture up to the top of the Fairyland. The mechanics were simple, but they would need intervention and cleaning before long. I cleared it all to other Fairylands and started over using methods that bubbled up as memories from fuzzy dreams.
I ran out of food before I finished. I thought I maybe could eat fish again, but I didn’t want to push it. I wanted potatoes. I wanted hamburger, gravy, and potatoes. I wanted an oyster po’boy. There were oysters in a market in Snipsnort, so I sped Snipsnort and went shopping.
#
By shopping, I meant pointing at things I wanted and having them give me more than a boy my size could normally carry. I put away two large baskets of bread and then pointed at the oysters.
They didn’t just give me oysters. They gathered and started shucking. They were making a party of it. I felt bad about just taking the oysters since they were doing all the work and refused to let me get dirty. I had no choice. I went to the manor and got hot sauce, mayonnaise, buttermilk, flour, dijon mustard, ground mustard, white wine vinegar, red wine vinegar, Worcestershire sauce, ketchup, corn meal, cayenne, capers, pickles, and paprika.
In the market, I got lettuce, tomatoes, and onions.
Again, they wouldn’t let me do the work. “Please, Your Majesty, if we don’t do it, we won’t know how to prepare it for you in the future.”
I started out telling them how I wanted to batter the oysters, dipping them in a mix of egg, hot sauce, and buttermilk before battering them in the cornmeal, flour, and seasoning mix.
I gave instructions for Comeback sauce and Remoulade sauce. They were making and adjusting it so my only input was tasting and advising. They took over and we ended up eating wonderful poorboy sandwiches, not quite what I would get in Louisiana but so good none of us were going to complain.
One of market vendors asked, “Can you find seeds for these peppers?”
#
In the Fairyland I was making over for Olivia, I was setting up a foundation for the kitchen when I realized I had gone halfway back into a fog state. I had a wide range of foods from the market stored in versions of me, but I was consuming them all and spending days working and Olivia and Goldilocks had probably just spent the few moments they were waiting in idle conversation.
I rested, ate, and slowed time.
Olivia and Goldilocks appeared and walked around the foundation.
Goldilocks said, “We talked with the deep pockets, and they are going to give you thirty-three time lockers. I was thinking we could split them evenly, eleven for each of us.”
I narrowed my eyes.
Olivia said, “And now your apprentice, who loves you, understands you even more, Goldie.”
I smiled. “How could I refuse? After all she gave me twenty Fairylands for transportation and fourteen just to store things in.”
Goldilocks turned and narrowed her eyes at me. She was lending them to me, but now I had turned her generous lending into an outrageous gift.
Olivia said, “Eleven time lockers that I’m pretty sure take eight Fairylands to make, as compared to thirty-four Fairylands that are mostly empty, still puts you at a loss, Phil, and I’m getting a rather large share just for standing around. How does that make you feel, Phil?”
Goldilocks glared at Olivia. “I only have one apprentice, Olivia, so it’s going to be a bit hard for you to get him to set up a union.”
Olivia said, “I just want the common folk to understand that they do all the lifting while the rich and powerful only take deep breaths so they can yell at their help.”
I nodded and made an illusion of what I planned for Olivia. My subconscious took over and I could tell that Olivia and Goldilock’s imaginations were adding to and altering the illusion as they walked through it. I saw some flaws in the kitchen and they corrected themselves. The bathrooms and the guest rooms and Goldilock’s suite all shifted. I was not sure that Olivia and Goldilocks noticed.
The foggy dream state that I think I spent months in with Lady Kissykiss having me make and remake things had left an impact on me. I don’t think others saw illusions like this, they just saw what they expected and wanted to see. For me, it was a lucid dream with my subconscious making changes and as I saw flaws or other possibilities, they flickered, shifted, and improved.
Olivia asked, “Do you think he really had a case of GADS?”
Goldilocks said, “I think he could cause GADS.”
I realized that I could not make this in gossamer with all the steel in it so I just closed my eyes and made it all real with mass from the overlaid area from Snipsnort.
I fell and just caught myself before I went to sleep.