Dampness. It hung heavy in the air, drawing the cold against my skin even in the shelter under the thick pines. It contrasted with the dry heat from the fire built in the entrance of the large den situated behind me. The comforting scent of cooking meat rose in a warm cloud around the spit Jared erected, but I chose to focus on other smells. Melting snow, rotting leaves, the decomposition of logs the rain had exposed.

“I can't believe you used to live here. It's miserable.”

Only my eyes moved as I watched Cyrus make himself comfortable beside me. He held up a charred stick with what I assumed to be mountain goat meat. Careful not to touch the hotter areas, I took the offered meal. Of course, I noted my gloved contact with Cyrus. It was like adrenaline without the danger. At least, no danger for me.

“I missed it,” was my reply before taking a bite. The hot fat settled nicely in my stomach as Cyrus cast me a questioning glance. “I used to think it was awful too,” I clarified. “But after Preene, I missed the storms. It's almost… like rage. It crashes and screams and destroys and cries, but in the end, everything is washed clean and the sky clears.” Another bite. “Until the next storm that is, but it's always like that. Really, it's been a dry spring, location considered.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

I paused, then realized I had adopted one of his favorite words. “Really.” I said it with a slight smirk.

He laughed, which somehow made me feel warmer despite the sudden breeze that blew through the pines. I lost all sense of weight when he met my gaze. “So, you're enjoying that?”

“What?” I said, before realizing he was pointing to my meal. “Yeah, why?”

“Well, the way you tore in that deer this morning, I thought you might like it raw.”

That drew a laugh from me. Laughing with Cyrus was different. I wasn't laughing down, trying to cover emotions I would rather not deal with. It was just laughing. Genuine, pure, honest, like Cyrus. He was so expressive and open, almost to a fault. I couldn't help but be drawn to him.

“That's ritual. I prefer cooked, I am still human.” It felt odd to call myself that. When Cerberus said the word, it implied weak, pathetic even. But Cyrus was human; could it be so bad that I was too? “It's really not bad, just soft. You get used to it quickly when you have to.” I hesitated, then said, “I had to get used to it pretty quick. I'm not nearly as great at making fire as you.”

Cyrus shrugged the compliment off, which I didn't like. I wanted him to smile, maybe even laugh again. “I'm not as quick as Jared.”

“But you taught him.” I insisted. This time he did smile, and I was rewarded with the rush of success. It was such a silly thing to be excited over, but I would take what moments of joy I could get.

“Maybe I'll try it.”

“What?”

“Try it, the meat.” Cyrus nodded to himself. “I’ll jump right in there. Get all that blood and gore on me. I'll fight the Hellhound for the best cut.”

I snorted, rolling my eyes at his reaction. "Your choice. I don't know why you insist on saying such foolish things."

"Because they make you smile."

I stared at him.

He nodded to himself as he continued on. "And if I don't make you smile, you look so serious all the time. So I like to make you forget those worries if I can, even if it's just for a little while."

I didn't know what to say. No one ever cared for my happiness. Why should they? I almost couldn't believe it, except for the fact I could see it in his eyes. Those blue irises never lied. Everything about Cyrus was open and honest; it was impossible not to believe him. "Really?"

"Really."

I had no idea how to react. I didn't want to cry, but my face felt like I was going to. I didn't want to blush, but it was too late for that. And I also didn't want to simply say 'thank you'. I couldn't admit how much I needed the simple distraction his antics provided. I couldn't admire how much I, Lady of the Lycan Mountains and Queen of Preene, needed him.

In the end, I responded as I always would. I used the tactics that kept me alive, that put men too interested in my power where I could use them, control them, where I was safe. I crawled forward until my hands rested on his knees.

"I think you're just looking for attention," I purred, watching with smug satisfaction as his eyes got big. "Because you like the Savage Queen who controls armies and eats with wolves." I tipped my head. The snout of my mask rested against my nose, keeping it from falling to the side. "You think you can tame her, but in actuality, it turns you on that you know you can't."

He took a deep breath, then leveled me with a cool stare. "So what if I am?"

I drew back as suddenly as if he burned me. I hadn't expected that. I hadn't wanted that. I looked away, holding my hands close to my chest. I wanted him to deny it, to tell me I was crazy or even just laugh in my face. I wanted him to lie.

If he lied to me, I could call him a liar. Then I could doubt what he said.

Fortunately, our awkward silence was quickly interrupted by a small, innocent voice. "What's 'turned on' mean?"

"I-uh-" I stuttered, now painfully aware there was an audience to my little show. Cyrus burst out laughing while Shirah stifled a giggle. All was well and fine for them; they weren't the ones Alice was looking expectantly at.

"It means that he likes it," Jared supplied. I shot him a grateful nod, which he returned with his amused half smile.

"Like I like Sunshine?"

He laughed, rubbing the back of his head. "Not quite like that..."

Several lycans stood up at once. Alice knew enough not to speak the question clearly resting on her tongue, instead keeping silent as they listened. My ears strained at the sudden quiet. There was a brook not too far away and the trees groaned in the wind. I could hear some songbirds in the distance, but none nearby. Something had spooked them.

We saw the men a full minute before they seemed to notice us. I noted Sunshine taking a defensive stance in front of Jared and Alice. After a moment of consideration, Nightmoon joined him. They were blocked from my vision by white fur as I was shoved behind Cerberus. On our other side, I saw Cyrus climb on Crimson Claw's back. Pulling a glove from my hand, I knelt down, peering between the alpha's heels.

There were only about thirty of them, perhaps forty at most. Once they got about halfway up the hill, they raised various weapons ranging from proper spears to pitchforks and harvesting sickles. Their angered cries echoed through the valley. The lycans answered with a collective snarl.

The men stopped, some of the rear ranks running into the backs of their fellows. Their blank faces scanned over the pack, as if suddenly realizing attacking such a large force of lycans with anything less than an army was equivalent to suicide.

Then they turned and ran.

The lycans fell in hot pursuit. It was mere moments before they caught them, and the battle, more of a slaughter, began.

Cerberus shifted so I could once again see Jared and Alice. Nightmoon exchanged a nod with River before running off to join the others, her place filled with the smaller female.

"Aren't you going to go too?"

The albino lycan changed his position, so he now stood beside me. His crimson stare focused on the ridge behind us. "They could be a distraction..."

"Right." I mentally scolded myself for thinking these men were the only threat. Why would a small group of ill-armed villagers chance attacking the lycans at all unless they had a larger force backing them up? They probably just realized they were cannon fodder and panicked.

So it would seem... yet as the minutes wore on and the pack hunted down the last of the men, no army showed itself. One of the females ordered to scout the area returned.

"Nothing for a ways out," she panted.

The party who had run after the retreating men returned. Among them was Nightmoon, dragging a man, bleeding but very much alive, along with her. He was wailing rather loudly, most likely due to his mangled arm clutched in her jaws.

I stood up, striding to her. My lip curled as I stared down at the man. "You!" I barked. "Tell me what this is about!"

He fumbled, trying to find words.

"Quit your stuttering and answer me!"

The man, a worn looking farmer with leathery skin, glanced around the ring of lycans and humans that surrounded him. He held his injured arm close as he swallowed. His hands trembled. Tears began to leak from faded eyes.

"I am sorry,my lady-"

"I asked for answers, not apologies!" I snapped. Several of the wild lycans growled.

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"I - we -" His whole body violently shook before he threw his hands over his face, collapsing to the ground. "Please forgive us, my lady. We thought you dead. When we heard there were lycans in the area, we thought there were only a few left, so we took it upon ourselves to finish what the late Perimone started! Before they could repopulate!" he finished in sobs. "Please! We meant no offense! If we knew you were alive and this your legion, we would have never dared come!"

I scowled down at him. "I wouldn't bother begging forgiveness for your fellows. You are the only survivor." My tone was colder than the frigid morning air.

The fingers of his good hand buried in the fallen pine needles of the forest floor. "Forgive me then. My village has already sworn its allegiance to the territory of the Lycan Mountains."

"Then why did you seek to drive my lycans to extinction?!" I shouted.

The man fell back, eyes wide and mouth clamped tightly shut. I was certain he pissed himself. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. It wouldn't do to lose my wits in front of my legion.

"Does Howens know about this?"

"No, my lady."

I sighed. "Good." I paused. "You claim to be a citizen under my rule, correct?"

The man hurriedly nodded. "Yes, my lady. You are our leader. My village claims no connection to Askance."

"Good," I hissed. "Then you'll accept my judgment as law." I lunged forward, bare hand outstretched to touch his face.

A hand caught my arm. I spun around, staring at Cyrus. His face was set in a determined expression.

The wild lycans exploded in a flurry of growls. Crimson Claw lept in front of Cyrus, taking the blow of those who lunged at him. Three of the wild males pinned the captivebred down.

"Stop!"

The canines halted on my word, eyes fixed on me, waiting for my next command.

"Just stand down," I huffed. "I can handle this." They let Crimson Claw up, backing off as I turned to Cyrus. "What is this about?" I hissed.

"You can't kill him."

"Why not?"

He let out a long breath, shifting his grip from my wrist to resting on my shoulders. My former manager stared me down with stormy blue irises. "Listen, even if he thought there were only a few lycans, he knew the danger. Believe me, none of those men would have taken that risk if they weren't defending something."

I frowned. "Like what?"

"Like a family."

A family... I swallowed, lifting my chin. "And?"

He leaned in closer so his nose brushed against that of my wolf mask. "I know how you felt when you saw the lycan cubs taken from their mothers. You told me lycans are just as sentient and emotional as humans. Doesn't that make humans just the same as lycans then?"

I gritted my teeth. I didn't like what he was saying. It made me think, hesitate. I shouldn't hesitate, I should go for the throat. It was the only way I could survive.

"Desire, I can't stop you, but are you really ready to kill a father?"

I tried to stare him in the eye. It was much more difficult than expected. I wrapped my arms around myself, looking off to the side. "I've killed many men. What is another?"

"Not just a man, Desire, someone's father, or brother, or grandfather. An uncle maybe. Anyway, I am certain he has someone he loves very much, someone he is willing to die protecting."

"And that's just what he'll do!"

Cyrus closed his eyes. "If that's what you want. I just want you to consider your actions, if you can bear the burden of his death, of his loved one's pain, before you do."

My nails dug into the leather covering my sides. Damn him for making me think about this. Damn him for hindering my instincts, making this all so much more difficult than it needed to be. I wanted to lash out, to push him away and order the man torn to shreds.

But I knew I would regret it if I did.

"Cerberus-"

"No, Desire." Cyrus gave me a slight shake, forcing me to look up at him. "You can't pass this off. You're the Lady of the Lycan Mountains. He swore allegiance to you. This is your decision, no one else's."

"But he only did it to escape the draft," I whispered. It felt like a lame excuse.

"Does it matter?" He sighed, stepping back, "He'll probably lose that arm once disease sets in. You have to decide if that is punishment enough, or if you want to sentence him to death." He shrugged. "I know I can't stop you either way. I just wanted you to think a little first."

I looked down at the man again. He was a pathetic mess of blood and urine. He was shaking and crying. The lycans ripped his clothes in several places and the melting snow he had been dragged through soaked his shoulders.

"I.."

He was the kind of man I laughed at, the type I loved to make squeal for my amusement. He had already tossed away any pride in his terror. I should have felt my usual satisfaction at having such power over someone, the way they once held power over me. To kill him off now that he had fulfilled his usefulness should have been easy, automatic.

"I-I..."

But I couldn't force the words out. They caught in my throat like anchors, digging into flesh and making me choke. All I could think about was the blacksmith in Merrer. Was there someone like Brennon out there who would suffer through the anger and loss of this man's death, just as he had?

"I... Just go. You're free."

I couldn't watch the man stand, nor could I bear to see him stumble off. I had been so close to killing him, to doing what I had always done, simply reacting out of anger and fear. A sense of uneasiness settled in my stomach.

But I couldn't do it. I couldn't murder him.

A slight tug on my sleeve. I looked down. Alice was staring up at me, droplets from melted resting among her golden curls. She was the picture of innocence.

"Dessy, is that man going to be okay?"

I couldn't take it. A sudden flood of emotion crashed against my chest, threatening to shatter the thin veil of self control I just barely managed to keep in place.

I threw my hands over my face and ran.

"Desire! Desire, wait! Come back!"

I didn't listen to him. I couldn't listen to him anymore, not when he was talking like this. Not when he was making more sense than I cared to listen to.

I didn't get very far before he caught me, just far enough to be out of view and earshot of everyone else. Cyrus spun me around and I punched him in the chest.

He waited patiently as I cried and pounded my fists into his jacket. He didn't seem to mind; I wasn't very strong after all.

"You stupid jerk!" I had much worse words in my vocabulary, but I couldn't think of them at the moment. I already had far too many things on my mind. "You have no idea what you've done!"

"What's that? Make you look at that man like a human being?"

"Make me think about all of them!" I sobbed, collapsing against him, trying to block out the images with his coat pocket. "You have no idea! No idea at all!"

Over his shoulder, I spotted Cerberus standing on the ridge of the little valley I had stumbled into. I met his crimson stare. Without a word, he turned, trotting down the other side.

Why was he leaving me alone with this man? I wanted him to come down here and rip him limb from limb for what he'd done. I wanted him to bark and growl and roar and protect me. Why had he abandoned me?

"Tell me what I've done." Cyrus's arms wrapped around my back, holding me close as I continued to cry on him.

I struggled to push him away. He released me just enough to look into my eyes. "Do you know when I first killed someone?"

His face showed nothing; no anger, no worry, no judgement. "No, I don't."

"Neither do I." My lower lip trembled. "They've just always been there, corpses piling up around me. I've been poisoning people since I can remember."

"That's not your fault-"

"Yes, it is." I let out a bitter laugh. "So many of them I poisoned on purpose. So many more I ordered killed. I could blame it on the poison for the longest time, but you know the first thing I did when I was cured? I killed a man, a man who, despite all that I'd done to him, was still trying to rescue me." I was laughing and crying and choking, a sure sign I had completely lost my mind. "So if you think you can save me by being some sort of saint, sorry, but somebody's already tried that."

"I never claimed to be a saint."

I snorted. "And what exactly have you done that was so awful?"

"I killed my brother."

I suddenly couldn't take my eyes off him.

He shrugged. "Half brother, maybe. I told you my mother didn't know who my father was, but there was a man who claimed to be. I was associates with him for a while… until he died. Shot up too much of a poisonous kid's blood. Anyway, my brother was in it much more than I was. He didn't want anyone to challenge his claim to the family business, so he tried killing me."

I stepped back as he pulled the gun from his jacket. However, he simply turned to the weapon on its side, examining it. "I just got this at the time. It had two bullets. I had it pressed to his chest, so I only needed one." He hit a button, popping the clip free of the handle and showing it to me. One led bullet gleamed in the case. "The first I used to save myself. This other one I promised myself I would use to save someone I cared about."

I bit my lip. "That's not all that bad, you know. You didn't have a choice."

Cyrus snapped the case back in place. "Of course I did. I could have shot him in the leg and ran off. I didn't kill him because I needed to. I wanted to." He clenched his fists. "I was just so angry, and he wasn't listening!" He turned his face away. "I didn't think, and now I've regretted it since."

My gloved hand touched his face. "One poor choice while defending yourself doesn't make you a villain, not like I am."

He frowned. "You're not a villain, Desire."

My smile's bitter edge cut my heart. "Yes, I am. It's what I was born to be.”

He shook his head. "I don't believe that. You can choose not to. I know there is some good in you."

"You think I don't want to be?" I stepped away, hugging my chest again. "I've tried that. I've come so close I thought maybe, possibly, I had some choice. But it came at a bitter price, and in the end, it turns out I didn't have a choice at all."

"With Darrius?"

I nodded. These tears streaming silently under my mask were different. They weren't angry or frustrated; they were just... sad. "I've tried. But I can never keep any of the good things in my life."

"Did you love him?"

I took a deep breath. "I loved the idea of him." I closed my eyes, pushing out the tears. "I think I could have fallen in love with him, if I really tried."

"He loved you."

I nodded. I couldn't speak anymore, only whisper, "I know that."

"I don't believe you don't have a choice, and I don't believe you're an evil person. I just think you've been beaten down and strike out of anger and fear. And I know you want love and friendship, just like anyone else would."

My throat closed around my tongue. My heart shriveled and died and was reborn again. I was clothed and masked but, at the same time, always so naked to him.

Sometimes I wondered if those storming blue eyes could see into my soul.