"I hate it when you guys try to impress me," Amy muttered as she dug around in my chest cavity with her power, forcing bits and flecks of rubble out through my skin. "I'm not impressed, just disappointed."
"In my defense," I said weakly, "how was I supposed to know Magpie would show up and try to kill me?"
"So this is the guy who fought Magpie?" Evelyn asked. She looked very, very familiar, despite having never met her in my life, and that's when I realized that I had met her, just... in a different life.
"I know he doesn't look like much," Vicky began.
"Hey," I complained, before wincing- Amy was still digging around in my chest cavity.
"But he is sharp as a razor, when he gets going. Did I ever tell you about that time he made a compelling argument that Eidolon isn't a Trump?"
"Eidolon made that argument himself," Armsmaster said, idly. He was here to chaperone myself, Amy, and Vicky, and ensure that none of us did anything we shouldn't in this government building we didn't work at.
"Wait, really?" Vicky asked.
"Mhm. The Protectorate used to be a lot smaller, back in the day, and I knew Eidolon personally," Armsmaster said. "We were at an internal presentation to introduce us to the new- at the time- PRT Threat Rating System, with its twelve categories that we all know and grudgingly tolerate-"
"Uh," Vicky began, but Armsmaster simply continued.
"-and Director Costa-Brown was very, very proud of her work, and very unhappy with Eidolon raising his hand to point out that, by the rules, he would be considered a Tinker, and Hero, whose technology very frequently messed with how powers manifested, would be a Trump, despite Eidolon being used as the quintessential Trump and Hero the quintessential Tinker."
"Ah," Vicky said.
"And then I raised my hand and pointed out a much larger problem that was inherent to the system, and not just Costa-Brown's incautiously-edited presentation," Armsmaster continued. "You see, yes, the power categories rhyming does make them easier to remember, but it also makes them not radio safe, because if you only hear part of the word, it rhymes with another one and you can't tell which it was." Armsmaster grunted. "But, well, she was very proud of her twelve-point parahuman horoscope-" I burst out laughing until I coughed up a bloody chunk of sub-flooring. "-and so we're still using it today. Any questions?"
"...Does the fact that I never see combat mean that I don't have a power rating?" Evelyn asked.
"You do, but it's entirely speculative," Armsmaster said. "You know, based on your personality and what your power has been observed to be capable of, how do we think you'd use your power to fight? And most of the people who tender the officially-recognized speculation based on your personality have never actually met you, so it mostly reads like amateur-hour military science fiction with the high concept of 'what if I had a 3D printer that made objects with superpowers?'"
"Obviously, she'd be a flyer with forcefields and a pink outfit," I said. "After all, everyone knows Laserdream is the coolest New Wave kid."
"Hey," Vicky complained.
"Oh, hi Victoria, I didn't see you there."
"Fuck you."
"You can beat him up after I'm done digging asbestos out of his lungs," Amy said.
"Armsmaster, protect me," I said.
"You're a tough boy, you can handle yourself," Armsmaster said. "Also, I do know how teenagers talk to their friends. For some reason it looks a lot like bullying when boys and also the Dallons do it."
"And you wonder why we aren't friends," Taylor muttered darkly.
Taylor was, apparently, Eve's best friend, and the two were inseparable. I didn't even know if Taylor had superpowers- I mean, my past lives knew of a Taylor who matched this Taylor's description and had superpowers, but I simply would not know unless I shook her hand.
"I understand that Victoria can be a little much," I began. "She's loud, impulsive, annoying-"
"I will kick your ass," Vicky threatened.
"-and frequently threatens my body with violence, but when the chips are down and it's absolutely vital, she will happily lecture you about all sorts of cape-related trivia because her parents accidentally taught her that heroes and villains are the only important thing in the world." I flashed a warm, genuine-looking grin at Victoria.
"...We are also not going to be friends," Taylor said, looking down at me.
"Honestly, that's fair," I said. "I am also loud, impulsive, and annoying. But, apparently, also sharp as a razor?"
"No, fuck you," Vicky said. "No more compliments for you. You're a dick."
"Well, yes. Are you only just now noticing?"
"If you keep being mean to my sister, I'm going to give you lung cancer," Amy said.
"Panacea," Armsmaster said warningly.
This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author's work.
"...Fine. What about hayfever?"
"There we go."
---
"Honestly, I'm pretty sure that the PRT wouldn't even take you to court over breach of contract if you hadn't fought Magpie," Carol said. "She was wholly unanticipated, and expecting anyone to fight her is completely unreasonable, given that we've got footage of her killing the Simurgh, Sleeper, the Blasphemies, Nilbog, and countless other monstrosities. You, meanwhile, are a teenager... who has just set a very, very bad precedent for yourself."
"Because now people know I am able and willing to square up with Magpie, and will expect me to do the same with either her or other capes of her tier," I said.
"Precisely. So... perhaps don't do that again, if you like being alive."
"Duly noted. Well, if that's all..?"
"You're free to go, yes. Just remember to keep your hands to yourself."
"Of course, of course."
I stood up from the table, and left the kitchen to head upstairs, where Vicky was playing one of the latest superhero merchandise games and rambling about how her particular in-game manifestation was part of the current meta for speedrunners.
"Hey, what'd I miss?" I said.
"Not a lot," Amy said, turning away from her sister. "What did Carol want with you?"
An incredibly tasteless joke crossed my mind, but not my lips. Instead, I told the truth: "Well, she's my lawyer, so she had some legal concerns about how dedicated I was to my contractual obligations," I said. "Something about wanting me to not create the expectation of being able and willing to fight literally anything that is even marginally less dangerous than Magpie, who may well be the most dangerous thing walking the earth right now. Probably so I can keep paying her lawyer fees, so she can afford, ugh, food and utility bills. Fucking lawyers, expecting to get paid for their work."
"Truly, the worst of the worst," Vicky said solemnly. "Hey, do you think you'll ever get into one of these games?"
"Probably not," I said. "Quite aside from my likeness being owned by myself, someone who would rather not be merchandised to hell and back, Ouroboros doesn't really have a likeness. I was in a disguise when I did the most interesting thing Ouroboros ever did, and the PRT knows better than to let the security camera footage go public."
"That reminds me," Amy said, before inhaling. "What the HELL were you THINKING?!"
"Mostly?" I said. "That my healing power works on myself, and that the only way to save another man's life was to indulge Magpie's desire to fight another so-called 'immortal'- which I figured meant she didn't want to kill me, just fight me, and that she'd want me to remain alive in case she wanted a rematch." I rubbed at my chest, where her sword went through me, and grimaced. "I'm gonna be honest, the part where I got a bunch of foreign bodies in my chest cavity thanks to her Sword In The Stone-ing me was not something I anticipated, so... I guess I miscalculated. Sorry for making you worry, Amy. Will ten thousand dollars soothe your nerves?"
Amy blinked a little.
"...Yeah, that'll do it," Amy said, before turning back around on the couch- which would seat three people, and Vicky was in the middle, so...
"Healer sandwich," I said, sitting in the empty seat on the other side of Vicky.
"Cute," Vicky said, before frowning. "Ugh, the writers of this game know nothing about how powers work. Psychics aren't real, guys. Mind-readers don't exist."
"Yes we do, Vicky," I said. "I mean, okay, I'll accept an argument that it doesn't work like in X-Men, and people like Professor X and Emma Frost aren't really possible, but I, personally, am totally capable of reading someone's thoughts."
"No you are not," Vicky said.
"Alright, pick a random number between one and ten million, and don't say it out loud," I said, before leaning against her shoulder. "...Okay, you picked the phone number of the local Pizza Hut."
"How did you-"
"Also, yeah, it is kind of shitty that Dean hasn't said anything to you in a week and a half. I'll go talk to him for you," I continued. "He's also a mind-reader, and he has no business being that shitty to you."
"That... Mind-reading isn't real, though..." Vicky said quietly.
"Mind-reading is a vague term, and a lot of totally real powers do match it," I explained. "When I touch someone, I can see their entire timeline, including the present. That lets me know a lot of internal details about someone, including what they're thinking, as long as I'm touching them. Dean, meanwhile, can see people's emotions as a colored aura around them, and emotions are absolutely part of the mind, just not the whole thing."
"...Wait, your powers work through clothes?" Vicky asked.
"Yep," I said. "As far as I can tell, it draws on my intuition of whether or not I'm touching someone. So if I'm leaning against someone, but I'm wearing a jacket that covers my arm, then it still counts, but if we're holding onto the same object, it doesn't. Apparently a ten foot pole doesn't count as touching, to my brain."
"Sucks to be you, doesn't it?" Amy asked. "Can't touch people at all without your power going off."
"You've met me," I said dryly. "You can guess why people touching me too much isn't exactly a recurring problem."
"What, you never bump into people in the hall or on the sidewalk?" Amy asked.
"Not really. I'm a big guy, and I put an effort into not bumping into people," I said. "It... Hrm. I guess my power doesn't work on people I don't notice I'm touching? If, like, my jacket brushes against someone else, but I don't really notice..."
"My professor was very insistent that mind-reading wasn't a real thing," Vicky said.
"Parahuman studies is a very new field with a lot of misinformation and misconceptions running around," I said, patting her on the shoulder. She'd properly freaked the fuck out when she learned that I'd gotten into a serious cape fight and needed her sister's healing, so I reckoned she deserved at least a little friendly consideration. Also, apparently that Laserdream joke- which was meant to be a joke about Evelyn's past life, Atom Eve, and the powers she'd had- did actually touch a nerve for Vicky, so she deserved an apology, too. "Pretty much every serious scholar is getting something seriously wrong, and it's not because they're stupid or lazy- it's because this is a complicated field of inquiry, that a lot of people have a vested interest in keeping as murky and opaque as possible, many of whom have superpowers. People are going to get things wrong. It happens. This one in particular is a little egregious, but it's still an understandable, honest mistake, and you're not an idiot for believing them."
Vicky grunted.
"You are, however, a dork for expecting a video game published two years ago to stay current with scholarship."
"Hey, this game gets constant updates and support! This storyline came out two months ago!"
"And yet they still can't figure out how to do vehicles in this engine."
"Fuck you!"