I frantically look over my shoulder to see what the fuck found me and how screwed I am. What I find would have made me burst out laughing if I wasn’t being chased by a horde of murder happy hunters. Poking out of the edge of the tree line is a small squad of five mounted soldiers, and they are riding giant chickens, literal giant Chickens!
“Charge!” The one in front screams.
Then the fowl group all rushed forward towards me. Oh shit time to not be here! I turn back around and scramble onto the rocks. I quickly start my ascent, making my way up the rocks and trying to put as much distance between me and them as possible. With any luck they won’t be able to climb up after me on the mounts, and if they can, well then I guess I’m getting eaten. I get a good ten seconds of climbing in before my new pursuers get to the base of the rocks. All but one of them stops, the one fool who attempted to follow me on his mount quickly realizes his mistake as after three steps his chicken loses grip and slides off a rock, sending both it and the rider out of sight with a squawk and crash.
“You idiot, the mounts can’t follow it there. Dismount and continue on foot! This is mountain runner three to command, we have visual on target. Pursuing to engage at grid coordinates 5.3, 6.2.”
Well crap! Wait, do these assholes have radios?! I look back and take a closer look at the one who is shouting. Sure enough he is still on his mount, holding some large crystal in his hand up to his mouth. Why do they have magical radios!? This is bullshit, this is supposed to be a fantasy world or something, why is their modern-esque technology here!? I mean I should have seen this coming, they have magical artillery mounted to a floating boat. Unfortunately my plan to climb up undetected has been blown, and the barren mountain side makes my green ass stick out like a sore thumb. And I can’t exactly turn around and go back with these guys behind me. The only way to go is up, where everyone will have no problem seeing me on the way there. I hate these assholes, I don’t know what their problem is but at this point I don’t care. I’m going to kill all of them the first chance I get.
A long metal object strikes the rock next to me creating sparks and almost making me lose my footing. I reaffirm my grip then look down at the projectile. It’s a throwing spear, nice and shiny with a leather grip. I look back down the path to see two more of the soldiers pulling spears off their backs and one already in a throwing stance. I duck behind a nearby rock just in time to avoid a second spear flying my way, but when I peek my head out to check for danger, two more clatter off the rock I’m hiding behind, one almost gets me in the face. I reach down and grab one of the spears, then take aim and return the object to it’s sender.
“You dropped this, assholes!”
I miss by a mile, the spear sailing well over the heads of the soldiers and clattering harmlessly to the ground somewhere near the tree line. The soldiers continued their climb after me, completely unphased by my poor attempt to hit them with their own weapons. Shit, I guess I’m still bad at throwing even in this world. I reach down and pick up the remaining three spears, then toss them off in varying directions before starting my climb again. My climb continues uninterrupted for another minute, slowly putting distance between myself and the soldiers. The heavy metal armor clearly meant for protection in close combat doing no favors on their impromptu climbing expedition. Then I hear more commotion down below. Looking down at the base of the mountain I can see even more people have arrived in the span of the two minutes I’ve been climbing. It looks like two more squads of five have arrived, with the captains staying at the bottom and sending their subordinates to ascend, except for one. Currently there are eleven people climbing and four at the bottom. Three of them are captains I assume, but the fourth is a man wearing robes and has a hood on instead of a helmet. Yea something tells me that guy is a mage, and they are probably discussing how he can best fuck my day up. I have no intentions of sticking around to find out what spells, skills, or whatever other bullshit this dude can throw. I look up to my current objective, the top of the mountain. I don’t know how long it will take me to get there but it’s a long climb. Maybe I should have doubled back, no those mounts would have caught me and torn me to shreds in the woods. Mounted cavalry typically aren't that effective in the woods for obvious reasons, but I’m sure they would have no problem chasing down and picking off one little old me anyways.
“Where is it! I’ve got a bone to pick out of that stupid monster!” A familiar voice screams from down the mountain.
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No, it can’t be, not already. I’m so high up that I’m having trouble making out the details of the people at the bottom of the mountain. But I recognize that color scheme and voice, the fucking lizard is here already! God damn it I thought I had more time! Even if I can evade him on the rocks his girlfriends just going to fly overhead and probably throw spells at me, wait speaking of she didn’t do that last time. If I assume she was watching me most of the time before, why didn’t she throw one of those water spears at me? Can she not do it while she’s flying? She dropped into the water last time, maybe she needs water on hand to cast it? Whatever the reason I might be safe from air attacks by her, unless she brings along a friend. I’ve been hauling ass up this mountain and made it maybe one hundred or so feet since I started climbing. But I would guess I still have about a thousand more to go before I reach the lowest possible point to cross over the top.
“There you are, I’m going to rip you apart for what you did!” Drazin yells from below.
He then starts to scale the mountain, at a much faster pace than the soldiers. He’s going to catch me eventually, he’s faster than me, if only barely. There are two more problems as well, first this level of exertion is draining my stamina, so I can’t keep going up the mountain full speed forever.
Stamina: 675/663 (868)
Two, the flying fish lady just picked the dude in the robes up on her floating water disk and is currently slowly flying him up the mountain towards me. Man, what did the plant monsters of old do to have the entire damn world come down on their heads.
Wait, that gives me an idea, what if I cause, or trick them into causing an avalanche. No, that's a stupid idea, I’m on this mountain to. And there is no guarantee that a few rocks are going to be able to keep the tree steamrolling lizard man down. Hell, he might catch em and throw them at me instead.
“I’m coming for you monster, and when I get to you you’re going to make a nice addition to my girls coat collection!” Drazin yells from below.
Ok, where the fuck did that nice comment come from? He can’t possibly be angry that I bamboozled his dumbass could he? Oh I get he’s in the dog house for almost smacking his girl with a giant ax. I ignore the lizard for the most part and keep climbing, but he just won’t shut up.
“Get down here! I’m going to put your skull on my trophy case! Then I’ll…”
“Shut the fuck up you ichthyosis afflicted neanderthal barbarian!”
“What the hell does that mean you glorified houseplant with legs?!”
“It means your ugly and your mother was a troglodyte now fuck off and leave me alone!”
“What did you say about my mother!?”
“I said she was a troglodyte, which explains why you can only get discount sushi for a girlfriend!”
What might be the angriest scream I’ve ever heard from Drazin echoed its way up the mountain, shaking dirt from the rocks and blocking out all other sounds. Oops, I think I pissed him off again. I look back down the mountain just in time to see him hurl an ax at me. I try to jump to the side but still get clipped in the left shoulder and sent flying. It hurts, it hurts a lot. I scream in pain as I go spiraling through the air and land with a painful thud against some rocks. I hear the ax continue on its path, the angle causing it to go sailing up the mountain after having lost no momentum hitting me.
Health: 347/650 (784)
I lay against the rock, gripping what's left of my shoulder, it’s not gone but half missing, a bleeding mess, looking closer to greenish hamburger than flesh is the only thing keeping my arm from falling off. Shit I fucked up good, I didn’t think, let myself get angry back and now I’m fucked. I grit my teeth and start healing the injury, but it’s slow, and between the concentration required and the pain there is no way I’m going to be moving while healing myself. But if I try to keep going in this state I’ll just hurt myself even more, or they will definitely catch up to me. Further up the mountain I can hear booms and crashes from where the ax is smashing its way through various rocks up the mountain, but my current position between two boulders prohibits me from seeing any of it. I can hear the screams from the people below but it’s all muffled by the rumble and thunder of the lizard man tearing his way up the mountain. His profanity laced, rage filled tirade getting ever closer. I stop my healing and stand up to move, only for Drazin to come blasting up over a nearby ledge. He sees me, locks on and lunges for me, glowing red with rage filled eyes.
I don’t have time to react even as the world seems to move slower. He’s only feet away ready to rip me apart and I won’t even have time to scream. This is the end, I’m sorry mom, pops, Mary, I won’t be coming home after all. I get ready to close my eyes and accept my fate when, like something out of an old Loony Toones, a huge rock comes from seemingly nowhere and smashes into the lizard, disappearing both him and itself off down the mountain. One second there was a lizard man, the next there was not. Wait, that rumbling wasn't Drazin? Oh god, he somehow caused an rockslide with that ax throw! All I can do is curl up and cover my head with my one good arm as the world thunders apart around me.