It was a matter of time. We all knew it.

It didn't take a military genius to know that when you send scouts out to hunt a foe, and when those scouts fail to return alive, that perhaps the foe was in the last place they looked.

Now since I was a tactical genius, normally I would've hauled ass by now--not to say that I'd run away, I'd never run away, only cowards run away--but I knew that I wasn't necessarily their target. This was, after all, a rebel village, filled with rebels, as it were.

So naturally, people were in a bit of a panic. No sooner than the funeral ended, people were already packing up to leave. Harvesting the crops a bit early, liquidating livestock, that sort of thing. Some tried to leave on their own, a sort of rebel desertion kind of thing. Needless to say, they were convinced otherwise. Not by the other rebels, but by the fact that we were, in essence, in a vast green desert that was too far from anything.

So while they were panicking like a bunch of animals, I, on the other hand, decided to prepare in a different way.

I finally had the opportunity to grind some XP.

To start with, I looked again at the list of skills I had available.

Load-bearing 1 60kg Max Weight 2 70kg Max Weight 3 80kg Max Weight 4 90kg Max Weight 5 100kg Max Weight Stability Enhanced Gyros Mobility Dagger cleats Grip Talon grips Climbing Climbing hook Speech Drive Enable voicebox speech Hardpoints 1 Arms 2 Back 3 Shoulders 4 Legs Hydraulic Limbs 30% Strength Flexible Joints 30% Dexterity Robust Plating 30% Vitality

I had three class points that I could drop into something right away, but I wasn't 100% sure on what would be best.

The most obvious choice would be to work through the efficiency tree to finally get transmutation since it was only one more level away.

Efficiency 1 30% efficiency 2 40% 3 50% 4 75% 5 99% Transmutation Enables transmutation of elements

Not only would this more than double my recycling efficiency (but not my XP gain), but I would be able to transmute those trashy common elements--like Earth and Water--into the good shit, like blood and fire. Currently, the worst thing that could happen would be to run out of fire element in the middle of battle.

But what about the Mech Frame skills? They looked promising:

Load-bearing? Boring.

Stat buffs? My stats were shit anyway, so it'd be a waste.

Extra Hardpoints? I couldn't really make anything to fit them yet anyway.

Enhanced Gyros? I was stable enough using my manipulator arms.

Dagger Cleats? Running faster is always a good idea.

Talon Grips? Not only would I be able to climb walls like a trash can lizard, but I could rip throats out. Kinda cool.

Climbing Hook? Interesting. Maybe like a built-in rope that I could use to lasso my enemies. Or something. Why not just shit out a shotgun and blast them? Or maybe I could lasso them and then blast them. I'll come back to this later.

For now, it seemed like efficiency to transmutation was better. It was hard to beat a firearm in combat, at least in my situation, and I couldn't make guns without Fire Element. So unless I wanted to eat shit all day, this was the way to go.

Now the issue was how to get the XP to level up that much. Killing and consuming the flesh of a person seemed to be the fastest option for me, but I couldn't just kill villagers for it. Doc would be mad. I couldn't hunt spiders since the caves were clear after the miners cleared out the rest. There weren't many animals around, and I couldn't just gobble up someone else's property.

I didn't want to deal with the drama right now.

"Cassandra," I said. "Any ideas?"

"Get on your knees and scoop up dirt like a pig," she said. "This will both give you consistent results and cater to your most base instincts."

It wasn't a bad idea, but how long would that take?

I stepped out in the grass by the village to give myself some room. Then, I knelt down on my little skeleton knees, angled my gaping trash can mouth, and crawled. Dirt and grass and mulch poured in.

+26.1kg Dirt

+0.1kg Grass

Hmmmm.

+10819 Earth Element

+221 Air Element

+1,104 XP

Ugh! This XP gain was insulting. I was a hero, goddamnit! I had saved cities and defeated epic monsters and conquered countless women and so many great things, and this is the shit I get for XP? For all this hard work? Bullshit.

I checked to see how much XP I needed for the next level.

XP: 713,593

To Next: 135,779

Basically, I would need to do this another hundred thousand times or so. That's insane. It would take a week just to get a level.

"Imsi," said Cassandra. "Try using water instead. According to my analysis, prolonged water exposure may provide a temporary status change that may prove beneficial."

"Interesting," I said. "I'll give it a shot."

I walked over to the nearby creek. The water babbled gently, but it looked like some asshole had been digging around here. The ground and grass had been all fucked up from how I remembered it.

Nevertheless, I stepped over and dunked my head in.

+1L Water

+1L Water

+3L Water

+2L Water

+1L Water...

After a few minutes of this, I got bored. I felt no status change. Nothing.

"Cassandra," I said. "What status change should I be expecting? I don't feel different."

"According to my analysis, prolonged exposure to water may provide the Drowned status effect. It appears that my documentation may be incorrect."

Well, it sounded like a good idea. A sort of undead water-based trash can melee class would be neat, after all, but as far as XP went--

Hmmmmm.

+7448 Water Element

+152 Air Element

+760 XP

Nope. Still shit. And at this point, I was over it. I would resort to stealing, at least stealing in places the villagers stopped caring about. The first place I could imagine was the spider caves.

I walked over, down the breezy dirt path beneath the canopy of forest trees, into the dark entrance of the mountain caves, through the stone labyrinth--no spiders in sight--and finally to that old room where I had saved that one miner.

And I groaned to myself. The miners were here, finishing up whatever bullshit work they were doing before, and now a few were tossing pickaxes into crates and organizing their lanterns.

"Oh, hey there," a lazy voice said.

I looked over. I didn't recognize him, but from his outfit, I could tell he was a miner.

"Yeah," he continued, "You look familiar. Are you that recycler thing that brought Tommy Jay out that one time? Saved him from all those--what were they called?--spiders, yeah, the spider things."

I crossed my arms. "That would be me."

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He snapped his fingers and pointed. "Ah, yeah. Thought that might've been you."

I turned to leave. This was a waste of time.

"Hey, uh, you got a minute?" he said. "We need to haul this iron over to the... what's he called? The blacksmith. That's it. We need to take this over to the blacksmith, but it's kind of heavy, and we're a bit short on hands." He scratched the back of his neck, almost embarrassed to ask.

I appreciated that. He should be embarrassed to ask because he was an ant of a man, far beneath me, and yes, it was a shameful thing to do. But still, it might've been worth my time.

"How about I smelt it for you?" I said. "I'll bring the blacksmith the ingots."

"Oh, nice," he said. "Man, that'd be a huge help."

"I'm in a hurry," I said. "So be quick."

"Right, right." He went straight to work.

I knelt like a squire about to be knighted as he and a few others carefully loaded my mouth with chunks of iron ore.

+7.8kg Iron Ore

+1.2kg Iron Ore

+3.9kg Iron Ore

To my displeasure, he made small talk. "You know where we're headed after this?" he asked. "The, uh, leaders won't tell us nothing."

+1.5kg Iron Ore

+1.9kg Iron Ore

I didn't reply. Inwardly, I grunted as I tried to maintain my balance. Each ore chunk shifted me around, and I felt the stress in my skeleton knees.

+1.1kg Iron Ore

+9.1kg Iron Ore

+17.5kg Iron Ore

He continued. "I'm really hoping we head, uh, what was it? West? Yeah, West. I hear the weather is nice on the West Coast, and I'd love to take my son to the beaches there. I ain't ever been out that way."

+12.8kg Iron Ore

I grunted with another large chunk. "West covers a large area." I was about to spill over.

+0.9kg Iron Ore

+11.3kg Iron Ore

He snorted. "Ah, man, and they say you ain't got a sense of humor. Hell, yeah, West is big. It's like, what, one-fourth of the map or something."

+1.8kg Iron Ore

"Roughly," I replied.

+3.9kg Iron Ore

The weight was too much. My joints groaned beneath it.

Hmmmmmmmm.

The miner dusted his hands off. "Whew. Man, you can really take a lot. I suppose that's why that scientist dude gave you those--what was it called?--mech-hauler legs."

"Mech-hauler?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said. "Used to see 'em out in the docks back in Lambston, some fancy tech-magic stuff the, uh--who was it?--the Tekkers, yeah, something they came up with. Workers could strap into a suit with those legs and help 'em work. Expensive as all hell, but it got the job done."

+29731 Earth Element

+59 Fire Element

+89 Air Element

+149,400 XP

+1 Level [Level 27]

+1 Class Point

Fuck yes. It was a juicy gain. Not as fun as eating a person, a bit more complicated since I had to wait until they were done before I could start recycling, but still. It was good.

With that, I was able to get my Transmutation skill, but I wanted to take the time to think it over again before I did.

"Alright, buddy," he said. "The blacksmith is in the back of the village, by the mountain skirt. You'll hear 'em."

"Right." I turned to leave, a bit lighter on my feet now.

"Thanks again," he said after.

"Yep."

I headed out.

Since I had lost a lot of the iron from my current efficiency level, I decided to add the leftover Earth Element that I had from all that dirt just to get rid of it. The glory of recycling magic, I thought. That I could turn dirt into iron. It gave me an idea to start a business if I ever needed the money.

I walked through the alleys of the village cabins with a little more pep in my step. I got an easy level, and I did what was essentially an easy side quest. It felt nice. Not because I did good for somebody, but because it really brought me back. I almost longed for the days of my youth again, back with my old party members--before they turned into assholes and left me. Those were the golden years. I almost missed them.

I took a note to look for more little sidequests that I could finish. Most of the people out and about were trying to do something, but none of it looked like anything I wanted to help out with. One lady was rolling up carpets. An older guy stacked firewood. I found a farmer staring at a mound of... what I assumed was dirt.

"Golly," the farmer said. "I got all this here COW SHIT, and I ain't gonna have enough time to compost it all into fertilizer."

I stared.

"If only there were somehow I could get all this here done 'fore we leave."

I stared.

"Guess I'm gonna hafta leave all this nutrient-rich COW SHIT just sit here in the sun an' go to waste." He clicked his tongue sadly and shook his head. Then, he brought his eyes to me.

I walked away. I wasn't about to eat cow shit. No sir.

Instead, I continued on through the village, heading toward the skirt of the mountain.

The blacksmith was, just as he said, right in the back. I could tell right away from all the clang-clang-clanging that went on. That and the black smoke from the furnace. And the fact that the blacksmith was beating on his anvil right on his porch.

"Halt," said a young man. He sported a white bandana and an expression of duty. His arms held a rifle, not aiming at me, but his eyes told me he meant to shoot.

"It's fine," said the blacksmith. He was what anyone would imagine a blacksmith to look like. Shirtless. Hairy chest. Bald head. Beard. He spoke without stopping the beat of his hammer. "He belongs to Doc Jackelope," he said. His voice was smoke, a sort of smoldering grit about it. "Now speak, machine. What business do you have here?"

"I have your iron," I said. "From the mines."

He grunted out a scoff. "Fine. Set it over there."

I wasn't sure where there was since he never pulled his eyes from the tool he was working on.

Hmmmm-click-click-click-click-click.

+5 Iron Ingots (Large)

These were chunky blocks of iron, but I didn't feel like fucking around here too long. I set them neatly beside the forge, which radiated heat so hot that I felt my skin would start to boil.

Clang-clang-clang.

The blacksmith paid me no mind, but the guard stared bullets into me. After a moment, he glanced to the blacksmith. "Just ask him," the guard said.

"No," said the blacksmith.

Clang-clang-clang.

The guard shook his head, nearly seething. He looked back at me. "If you aren't too busy--"

"I said no," repeated the blacksmith.

The guard snapped. "You'll never make enough in time!"

"I don't want no help from a godsdamn machine."

Clang-clang-clang.

I asked the guard. "What does he need?"

"Gun barrels," the guard said. The leaders wanted them made, about fifty, but the Major here is slow as molasses."

Clang.

The blacksmith stood and brought the steaming pipe over to a vat of water, and he dunked it in. The metal hissed. Steam plumed around. "I don't need a damn machine to do a man's job."

I considered just fucking off since this dude was clearly an asshole, and I had better things to do, but when I thought about the other sidequests I could've been doing instead, I remembered that farmer and his mound of cow shit.

"I'll do it," I said. "But not out of kindness. I need the experience, so I'll pay in kind. With resources."

The blacksmith glared back at me.

"This isn't a favor," I said. "It's just business."

He held his piercing gaze, then nodded. "Alright. Business," he spat. He pointed with his clamps at a pile of raw iron. "Take those, smelt em, and make me a rifle barrel."

I stepped over and started loading myself up.

+13.7kg Iron Ore

Hmmmmmm.

+5453 Earth Element

+11 Fire Element

+16 Air Element

+27,400 XP

"Cassandra, make a gun barrel."

Hmmmm-click.

+1 Gun Barrel (Uncommon)

I drew it out of my mouth and gave it a look over. The iron was clean, polished, the rifling inside was even and consistent, and it even had that new-gun smell. I looked up to find the blacksmith staring me down.

I handed it over, and he snatched it.

He did the same. He felt the weight in his hands, its smoothness, toughness, the rifling, and even sniffed it.

"Alright," he said. "Not bad. Not good either."

Man, fuck this guy. That barrel was perfect.

He continued to look over the pipe. "You know why I don't like machine fabrication?"

"Because you don't like machines?" I asked.

He glanced a dagger at me and returned to the barrel. "Machines only know how to emulate art. They can't match the skills honed over a lifetime, yet still act as if they can." He tossed the barrel, and it clanked at my feet. "You made it out of shit-iron." He stepped over to a basket of assorted rocks, dug a few out, and returned to me. "Try it again, but use this." He threw them into my mouth, and I rattled from the force.

+0.9kg Carbon

+2.4kg Limestone

"Add some of the carbon, just one or two parts one-hundred. Same for the limestone."

Begrudgingly, I recycled the barrel as well.

+1 Gun Barrel

Hmmmmm.

+6,630 XP

New recipe unlocked: Carbon Steel

Not bad. As much as it stung hearing him talk shit about my kind and my handiwork, I had to give him at least a bit of respect. A machine would have trouble doing anything other than what it's told.

But I wasn't just a machine. I was once a defender of the world, the Chosen One, the child of prophecy and heroism and the future of the world! I mean, I was still a trash can, but I was a trash can with dignity.

I would draw from my vast well of life experiences to create the best material known to man. I was gonna show him the strength of a machine's pride.

"Cassandra, make a new alloy. Use nickel, copper, magnesium, and silicon added to the iron in small amounts. Rub a little Fire Element in there as well."

Hmmmmm-click.

+1 Gun Barrel (Rare)

I drew it out and admired it. The barrel was matte black, but when held against the light, took on a light red shimmer. I gripped it and swung it around like a sword, lightning-fast pseudo cuts in the air to really show off my bladework, and feeling victorious, I handed it over.

The blacksmith said nothing. I could feel the shame from his body as he reached out, took the end--

And it crumbled into dust, slipping through his fingers as a pile of black ash.

"Am I a joke to you, boy!?" His vein nearly popped out of his forehead as he yelled.

For fuck's sake. "Relax," I told him. "That was a ceremonial piece I had just come up with. Sometimes... creativity sparks, and it gets the best of me."

He simmered down and stomped off. The guard laughed.

"Cassandra, just make the man his goddamn barrels."

"On it," she said.

And so we went to work. I gobbled up his iron ore, shit out his steel barrels, and he shut right the fuck up. By the time I was done, I had burned through enough material to get that next level.

+1 Level [Level 28]

+1 Class Point

"Good enough," the blacksmith said as he looked over my work. "The craftsmanship is solid, but I know how recycled metal works during prolonged use. It doesn't. Still, this will do until I can get the rest made."

I gave him a thumbs up and started off.

He spoke as I was leaving. "I have no need to thank you. It was just business. But if you're still looking for work, I know that Farmer Phil was looking for help--"

"Have a good day," I said.

I went back to the heart of the village to see if I couldn't score just one more quest for the day. I now had the four class points I needed for transmutation, but I didn't want to turn down a good chance for an easy level.

As I rounded the corner of the bakery, I spotted the farmer again. He hadn't left his spot, and he still stared at his mound of cow shit.

"Imsi," said Cassandra. "Recycling that mound of animal fertilizer may provide you with ample amounts of Fire Element."

"Fuck off, Cassandra," I said. "I'm not eating cow shit."

I tried to sneak by.

He spotted me! "Hey, there, lil’ feller," he said. "If you got some time, would you mind helping me with--"

"Nope," I said, and I continued on.

I looked around in desperation for anyone else I could talk to. Literally anyone.

"There's an awful lot of COW SHIT here," he said. He was following me! "I just need--"

I broke into a sprint. I was going to talk to literally the first person I saw. I didn't even want a quest anymore; I just didn't want to talk to that cow shit farmer.

I turned the corner, ran down the alley, went right--always go right--and I slowed to a stop. The farmer had given up, and in front of me was a familiar face.

The bread girl, Lara.

She was the one who took that asshole officer his meals, the one he likes to flirt with, the one he hasn't even fucked yet. What a little beta-male dweeb.

Then, the most devilish of all devil-ideas popped into my trash-can mind. What if I fucked her instead? I mean, obviously I couldn't without a dick, but setting her up for the long-con was still on the table. If I could somehow woo her into falling in love with me, it would be the one true knife to twist into that asshole's swinging dick.

It was perfect.

She was busy trying to drag a huge sack of flour across the grass, but with her small frame, she wasn't getting anywhere.

I sauntered up to her. "Need a hand?"

She shook back. "Oh! You startled me." She dusted her hands off her long skirt. "I... sure, yes. Thank you."

I equipped the flour--masculinely. "Lead me," I said. I used my most charming, my most beguiling voice. Granted, I was still speaking through a tinny trash-can speaker, but I knew that she could feel my sex appeal.

She did so. We walked across the path and back to the bakery, and she even opened the door for me with a smile.

I had already won.

Women were so easy. I never not win!

"You can set it here, please."

I dropped it on the counter. White dust plumed a bit, but it was flour, so whatever. "Anything else?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No, thank you. That was the last of it."

I stared--no--I smoldered at her for several seconds. Granted, I had no eyes or face with which to telegraph these emotions, but I'm sure she felt the sexual tension. Now was the time to leave, to tease her, to make her beg for the future rendezvous. This level of mystery always worked. This was what I called tactical seduction. To walk away without saying anything, and just before heading out the door, to say one hyper-charismatic one-liner to really stick in her mind. Now, I just needed to figure out what to say...

"Umm, hello?" She waved at me. "Are-are you okay? You're just standing there."

Fuck, I forgot to walk away. I turned and headed toward the exit.

Right on cue, she spoke. "I never got to thank you. For saving my father from the iron mines."

I paused at the doorway, staring out. Time stood still. I had two options:

Option A: "You're welcome, m'lady." This always works.

Option B: "He was a good man." Appeal to emotion.

I took a deep breath and made my choice.

"You're a good man," I said.

FUCK. That wasn't right at all! How did I mess that up!? Then, I remembered. I didn't have a seduction spell to help me. Granted, I never actually needed it; I just liked how convenient it made everything. Not only that, but my charisma stat was nonexistent!

This was embarrassing. I had to escape as fast as possible. Since she didn't say anything, maybe she didn't hear.

I stepped out and into the grass, powerwalking away. Once I felt she was no longer looking, I broke into a full gallop, using all limbs like a horse. I needed to vanish quick.

I glanced back to make sure I was in the clear. She was watching me! She saw! Imprinted on her face was a twisted expression of shock, disgust, confusion, and utter cringe.

It was too late. I sprinted away as fast as I could before finally breaking her line of sight.

This was a total failure, and for the first time in perhaps ever, I had lost.