It turned out that there were no porters in the city and thus no way to get a portal out of here. We were fucked.

I couldn't look in the Gimp King's eyes when we found out. I didn't need to. His bulge throbbed mournfully, and I felt his pain. I couldn't give up. I needed to get him his dick. A dick befitting the king of the gimps.

If we couldn't sail him there, and we couldn't find a porter, then I'd just have to give him a jet fighter.

So that's what I did.

> MF-16

>

> Hardpoints:

>

> RAC x 2

>

> Auxiliary Parachutes x 2

>

> RM: LM Dispenser

>

> RM: Comms

>

> RM: Mining Laser

>

> RM: EMF Rocket Engine x 2

Conveniently, the Gimp King was a capable jet pilot. Jessie told me that he was from a world of technology, so it made sense that he could grasp such complicated things as the jet's flying console with ease. I made a note to have him train the new pilots on his return.

But that would be some time from now. The MF-16 couldn't fit both of us, and I had no intention of flying a plane I had no business learning to fly. To this end, I sent the Gimp King to go alone, hoping that he may convince the Phallomancer to return with him.

Not because I needed a dick-mage, but because it would be good for morale if we had one on the ship. Of course. And besides, even if the Phallomancer didn't return with him, I could've always visited him after I defeated Marianna. It would've been my very own victory treat to have a nice new dick fresh from the Phallomancer.

We watched the Gimp King as he spun up the engines of the MF-16. The little trash can crew members clanked around as they finished fueling the plane, tugging away the fuel lines and doing last-second checklist things, and we made the runway clear.

The high-pitched whirr of the engines continued as the Gimp King--complete with his CyberHelmet and CyberFlightSuit--waited as the recyclers towed the jet over to the elevator, and together, we click-click-clicked all the way up the elevator shaft and into the light of morning--the top decks.

"And you're sure, Redrim?" he asked over the comms.

"I am," I said. "Now go to him, that Phallomancer, and bring back enough dick for the both of us."

He saluted.

I returned it.

And with a flash of power, the jet roared upward, aimed its nose up and out, and darted with the eruption of the rocket engines.

He didn't return until the next afternoon.

I was out on the top decks, sparring with the knight and with Vil. It seemed that I was getting left behind in the melee combat department, and I needed to catch back up.

The knight dashed toward me and sliced.

I parried with my sword arm, and he knocked me off balance.

Vil hit me with a gust spell, and the wind yanked my legs out from under me.

I rolled in the fall and snapped out ten metal tentacles to spin me like a rolling spider, and I twirled over to Vil--

He thrust his hand at the knight.

The knight braced.

And with another gust of wind, the knight shot toward Vil, caught in a crosswind, and was thrown toward me--

And the knight slammed against me in a tackle.

We both rolled.

And he stood above me as the victor.

There was a small applause. We had gained an audience, and the knight loved it. "Hah, Sir Redrim! It seems we have bested you yet again!"

Vil pulled me up. "When was the last time you've trained, Redrim?"

"A while," I said, grunting as I stood on two feet again.

"At least seven days?"

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"Sure."

"Yes," he said. "I suppose seven days without training or exercising would make one week."

I blinked.

He blinked back. "You get it? Week as in--"

"One out ten," I said.

"Sir Redrim!" cheered the knight. "They tell me that you have--" he nodded back at his friends for affirmation, "another form, was it? I hear you are just as ferocious in that form than any other!"

"Yes, Redrim," Vil said. "It was, after all, the one form we first fought in." He grinned. "Perhaps we could have a round two."

He'd probably whoop my ass, no lie. While I had been progressing through my leveling trees at insane speeds, I also knew that he was progressing just as fast. The power of a regular human scaled much differently than a trash can like myself since I didn't have any control or growth of my stats. For the most part, my strength and dexterity and such had always been the same since I started.

"I dunno, man," I said. "I'm kinda shy to be so naked in front of so many."

Some of the rebels laughed. Others booed me playfully. The knight clapped as if entertained. "Come now, Sir Redrim! If it would make things fair..." he dropped his shield and began to undress. The healer tried to stop him, but it was too late.

He was very quick to get naked.

"Ha ha! Sir Redrim, let there be no secrets between us!" He grinned and raised his spear. "Now! Have at you!"

The healer was mortified and beet red. The mage guffawed. The archer rolled her eyes as if this were a common thing to witness.

Jenna appeared out of the crowd. "Come on, Redrim! Show him your awesome trash can body! I believe in you!"

Vil laughed. "Do it, Redrim. Beat him like you beat me."

"Fine. Just don't make fun of my body," I said. The door on my back hissed open, my vision blinked as I disconnected, and my little trash can body clanked against the deck of the ship. "W-well, this is me."

People cheered. Some gasped.

The heroes stared in awe, in horror, in fascination.

"A trash can," said the healer covering her mouth. "You were a recycler this entire time."

My tentacle arms clicked out of the slots like reaching snakes, and one-by-one, they reached into my mouth.

Hmm-click-click-click--

> +10 Wooden Swords (Common)

And I drew them out and fanned them wide.

"Behold," I said. "I am the Trash Demon."

The knight stepped back. His eyes were wide. Slowly, a smile found him, then a grin. "Sir Redrim. You are full of surprises."

He crouched down into a sprint--his junk flopped around--and he dashed.

I shot across the deck like an octopus in water, my tentacles trailing behind like ribbons holding swords, and the knight thrust and slashed, and I ducked and dodged and--"Flashstep!"

It was a pleasure to do this again.

I moved so quickly that it was as though I split into two recyclers, then three, then four to six to a dozen that surrounded the knight, and he looked this way and that, unsure of who was the real Redrim and who was the after-image, and just when I found that perfect moment to catch him with his back turned--

A jet slammed onto the deck, going something like mach-fucking-forty, hitting the deck of the ship so hard it, it pulsed a shockwave and ripped the wings right off. The jet crumpled. Spent. Wasted.

The cockpit glass shot out, and the Gimp King--still in his flight suit--stepped out like dismounting from a wagon. He clicked off his helmet and removed it--and with a shake of his beard and hair, he was fresh again. "Greetings," he rumbled. "Ah, Redrim. I see you're... a trash can. Interesting."

He held out his hand, and a thin dainty arm reached to take him. It came from the back of the cockpit--a woman!

No. Impossible.

The woman wore loose, silk fabrics, a sort of flowing aristocrat outfit, with perfectly done hair and tasteful earrings and makeup, and she stepped out of the wreckage and onto the decks of the ship with the sort of grace befitting of only one I could imagine.

The Phallomancer.

But the Phallomancer was a guy! Or at least it used to be. Hundreds of years ago. Maybe this was...

"Yes," the Gimp King rumbled. "The Phallomancer is a hereditary title."

"Mmmyes," she said like some eccentric weirdo. "It is I, the Phallomancer, the dick wizard, the cock conjurer, the schlong summoner--mmmyes." She talked as if reciting a poem from distant memory but with odd confidence that only a mad wizard would have. When she spoke, she would wring her hands together, and every time she would say, "yes," she would blossom them out and flutter her fingers as if to further whatever point she was making at the time.

"The Gimp King has visited me--mmyes--to request upon me my most powerful cock, but alas," she said, "I am yet uninspired to make such artful epics."

The Gimp King lowered his head in respect. "Redrim. She will join us to bear witness to our deeds, and if she finds them inspiring, she will make the mightiest weapon within her power." His tone was almost begging. "Please, allow her a comfortable stay."

"Mmmyes," she said. "I have within my mind's eye the cock prophecy passed down through the phallomancy line for generations, and I--mmyes--I see clearly the meat and veins of its shaft floating through that cosmic memory. It requires only but a wielder fit for its power and a communion of heroes to call for its creation. This is--mmyes--the Cosmic Cock Prophecy."

I took a deep breath. "Right. Okay. Well, uh, welcome aboard."

Everyone clapped. I jumped back into my Trash Knight armor and turned to leave.

There was just something about the Phallomancer that was unnerving, and it had always been like this even with the last guy. It was great to have her on board, and I was happy for the Gimp King, but goddamn, get the fuck away from me.

Still. I was already formulating a plot to find her alone, to ask of her a most private request in exchange for a lot of money, to get myself the most manly of dicks attached to the bottom of my trash can torso. I had daydreamed so countless many times about windmilling my meat around the bridge of the ship, and soon it might become a reality.

The Gimp King took her into the ship, and the crowd began to disperse. The healer--with her reddened face--helped the knight into his pants, and Vil kicked around at the pieces of the jet. Jenna smiled at me from the bow of the ship, and I thought to step over and join her. She mentioned earlier that she wanted to go back into town again later, and I thought that we might could do it now.

I walked over.

And I opened my mouth to speak.

And a demon's portal snapped open beside her.

An arm reached out, snatched Jenna, and held a knife to her throat.

I saw who it was.

My heart dropped into my chest.

Elf ears. Short blonde hair. White priestess robes. Huge, expressive, angry eyes. And an expression of murder.

It was Laya.

Soon behind, Kisk and Ai-Gee. The portal snapped shut behind them. Kisk and Laya stared at me like wolves, and Ai-Gee grinned like a devil.

"Well, well," he said. "What an INTERESTING development."