The skies were overcast, and it smelled like rain.

The flower-topped casket eased down into its hole.

The family nearby sobbed. The young daughter now held by an old grandmother and the blonde bread girl beside them. Was she the eldest daughter? She was the one who took meals to the imprisoned officer.

A few men with somber faces shoveled dirt over the coffin, and from the doorway of Doc's cabin, I watched.

I knew it would be a bad idea to be closer. It wasn't my place. None of it was. Won't ever be. They witnessed me turn into a trash can demon, something terrifying, and now their happy grins and smiling stares turned to pale glances, eyes fleeing me.

I was a monster to them.

The young blonde lady, the breadgiver, stomped off in a teary mess. The villagers watched. A far door slammed shut.

I figured it would be really awkward between her and that pun slinging jackass.

Actually, when I thought about it, I realized I hadn't given him the gift of my voice. This situation was the perfect ammunition to talk shit, and I was already giddy with how his face would look after he found out his own people murdered the father of his would-be girlfriend.

I headed over, sneaking past the funeral-goers, behind the buildings, and over to the far-off shack.

The door snapped open, and I stomped in.

He was there, somehow in the exact position I had left him, lounging back on that bale of hay. He stared up at me with a vague, amused interest.

"Oh, Redrim. Lara told me that you've grown some limbs." He grinned and looked me up and down. "I guess you forgot to add a dick, though."

I crossed my arms. "Go fuck yourself," I said.

His eyes brightened. "Oh?" His smile widened, almost like a wolf grin. "It has a voice now."

"You're goddamn right, shit eater."

"Come to give me a lashing?" He chuckled. "Tongue lashing, I mean."

"Zero out of a hundred."

He frowned. "One out of five--"

"Hundred," I shot back. "Your puns are shit."

He grunted to his feet and dusted himself off. "Why are you here, Redrim?"

"To talk shit."

"You're not doing a very good job," he said. "You're like a verbal slob. Your puns are subpar."

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I groaned. "I just wanted to say hello, and to let you know that soldiers bearing your colors, soldiers of that shit empire, came over looking for me."

"Is that so?" He slicked back that side of his hair.

"I killed every single one," I said.

"You fought them?" He chuckled. "Well, I can't blame them for trying. It is the--I guess you could say--inalienable fights of man." He grinned. "Eleven out of thirteen--"

"--thousand," I hit back. "They killed that girl's father."

"Which girl?"

"The one who brings you food." I smirked, but, of course, I had no face, so he couldn't tell. "Don't think I don't know all about your little flirtation sessions." I scoffed. "You fuckin' beta male bitch. You've had all this time, and I bet you haven't even fucked her yet."

Anger flashed in his eyes, but it fell to a groan--no--a low, rumbling belly laugh. "You fucking idiot," he said. "I'm not trying to sleep with some peasant wench. I'm using her." He shot out another laugh and slammed against the bars, staring me down with wild eyes. "I'll have her release me, and once I'm free, I'm going to kill every dumbass peasant in this fuckin' town, I'll kill everyone, the rebels, the women, the children." He shouted, "Everyone!"

I didn't budge. He was obviously winning this argument, if it could be won, and I was running out of ammunition. I needed to think of something to hit him back with, and--of course--I would use the tried and true of all insults. "You're probably just saying that because you got a small dick."

"At least I have a dick," he said.

I punched the bars. "Hey! Fuck you! I got a huge dick. A real monster wang."

He guffawed, a sort of obnoxious laugh that contorts a man, throwing his head back and slapping his knee. "Oh, that's rich. Rich, I say. Oh, Redrim, how they speak your praise," he sang. "The recycler with the missing penis."

"Not true," I hit back. "My weiner is monstrous! You just can't see it. Because it's... uh... inside my trash can body. Of course."

He slapped his forehead and laughed harder.

I grunted out a scoff and stomped away. "You know what? Fuck you. Your puns are bad, and your dick is small. Go fuck yourself."

He spoke behind me. "I'm not laughing at your lack of penis. I'm laughing because you're not Redrim."

I glared back.

He continued, leaning against the bars like some jokester ape. "Iskandar Redrim was a warrior who was proud of his lack of penis. It was his calling card, his go-to phrase." He snickered. "And the best part? He wasn't even a man. He was a woman."

I kicked the door off the hinges and stomped out.

His echoing laughter followed me and didn't subside until I was back at Doc's workshop.

"Ah! Redrim," Doc said. He was wrist deep in another sandwich. A hoagie this time. "You'll be glad to know that your body will be finished within the next few--"

"I need a dick," I said.

"A what?"

"A penis. I need you to install a dick on this new body." I brought up my hands to size it out as if measuring a fish. "A real... juicy one."

He looked over with a furrowed brow, mouth slightly agape, and he blinked. "Ah. Yes. About that." He took a deep, sad breath and snapped off his gloves. "I, unfortunately, have not included any phallic details in the blueprints."

I groaned.

"And besides," he said, "anything that I might not install would certainly lack the functionality that you would, eh, require."

"I see."

The doc stood there, staring in silence. There was a sort of somber look in his eyes, and after a few breaths, he pet me on the shoulder. "There, there, Redrim. I'm sure you can learn to live without, at least for the time being. And if not, that I can refer you to a specialist at a later time."

Those words actually cheered me up a little. Not because I believed that he would actually give a shit about my alarming lack of penis, but because I remembered. I remembered a famed mage from my younger, my more human years. Would this mage even still be alive? Surely.

I made another mental note. As soon as I had this new body, as soon as I had shed off these rebel rats from my life forever, then I might visit them.

I would visit the phallomancer.