The next day, I was out in the fields near the forest, picking flowers. Not because I was gonna give a bouquet to someone, or because I thought they were pretty, but because I was looking for rare resources for my alchemy skill. The flowers were cute, I would say, but I wasn't there because of them. Of course. I was much too manly to be worried about adorable little flowers.

And as I plucked a splendid little purple one, admired the petals and shape and even--oh wow--the impeccable smell of it, I felt footsteps thump in the grass behind me.

I tossed the flower in my little handbasket and turned around.

A man towered over me.

"Well, hello there, little fella."

His lips curled to a smile from beneath his bushy mustache. He looked like a creepy uncle, smiling softly with crow's feet cradling his eyes, a horseshoe ring of hair around his bald head, and just so slightly out of shape.

I stared up at him, unmoving. Was he a villager? "Cassandra, have we met this guy?"

"No," she replied.

He smiled down at me. "I ain't ever seen somethin' as cute you," he said with a creepily soft voice. He looked around for anyone nearby--we were alone--and he crouched down to look at me eye-level. "You don't seem like you're from around here." Sniff-sniff. "Oh my, you smell nice, don'tcha?"

I didn't want to be rude, but I also didn't like how nice he was to me, so I crawled a few steps away and waited.

"Well, that's okay, little fella, I don't bite." He dug into his pocket--something rattled--and he drew out a handful of coins. "Here, little buddy. I know this here is like candy to ya'll, ain't it?"

I stared at the overflowing mound of coins in his hand, and inwardly, I salivated at the sight. It felt like forever had passed since I had a nice little treat. I knew I shouldn't have trusted this dude, something was really off about him, but I couldn't tell what.

"Imsi," said Cassandra. "My sensors are indicating what is known as bad vibes from this man. It would be wise to keep your distance."

I stared at the coins. "Nah, he might be fine."

I tried to resist, but I found my thin metal arm reaching out on its own, up toward the coins, the man's face smiling patiently at me, closer, closer, but I found my eyes locked onto something else.

His mustache.

It was...peeling off.

I stared at that bushy thing, the edge of it just dangling ever so slightly in the breeze, my trash can face easing closer, closer, and without realizing it, my hand reached up--

--and ripped it right off.

Bad vibes washed over me.

He stared, his smile unwavering, his crow’s feet still visible, but his eyes lit aflame.

The mustache was fake.

And in a flash, the coins in his hand erupted in a blur as he dashed at me!

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I launched back, my hands snapping into knife blades, but he was fast.

In his hands, a long dagger. He slashed.

I swatted it away and countered.

He backflipped to put distance between us.

And together, we stared each other down. His face held a mad grin, and he was no longer the creepy uncle from moments ago. He was now some strange man who seemed to seek me out in particular. Was he a bandit? An imperial assassin? A bounty hunter?

There was no way to tell.

"Th' name’s Sasha von Reptinius," he said. His voice had fallen from Uncle Touchy to Cowboy Bill. "I'm whatchu’d call a bowny hunner."

Or... yeah, he would just tell me outright.

"I have come to bestow upon you the punishment of yer crimes."

I said nothing because, well, I still had no mouth.

He held his arms almost in a T-pose, but this was a fighting stance. A weird stance, but still a fighting one, and I was cautious about approaching.

"Redrim," he rumbled. "Yer either comin’ wit me in peace, or I’mma force that cute little bootyhole of yours into submission."

“Goddamnit,” I said to Cassandra. “Why didn’t you tell me this guy was a weirdo?”

She said nothing, but I thought I could her grumble something.

Hmmmm-click.

+1 Shotgun

I reached inside for it.

He thrust out his hand. A green mist shot out! It raced over at me, and I rolled away to dodge, but the mist thickened, coalesced into a slimy-looking creature.

A snake!

He shot a snake at me!

He was a snake mage!

The long, wobbly snake whizzed past me as I dodged, but just when I looked up from my roll, I saw nearly a dozen more green blurs, and before I could even think to move away or slice at them, they tip-tip-tapped off my metal surface to land inertly in the grass around me.

I had forgotten. I was strong to snake-type magic. Because I was a trash can. Snakes can't bite trash cans.

I hit him with a confident shrug--his grin unfazed--and I drew out my shotgun and aimed it.

What a dumbass, I thought.

Then, I felt it. A spark of electricity that shot through me, shocking me to my core, stunning me, but from where? The shotgun thumped in the grass. As I grunted against the pain, I saw arcs of electricity sparking from the snakes and engulfing me.

Those weren't snakes.

They were electric eels!

He wasn’t a snake mage!

He was an electric eel mage!

The worst kind!

As I shivered from the stun, the bounty hunter burst into laughter.

He charged over and kicked me far.

I thumped in the grass and rolled, and by the time I thumped into a tree, the stun wore off. I looked up to see him sprinting my way, his hand thrust out in my direction, and even more green blurs shooting right at me!

This guy wasn't fucking around.

"Flashstep!" I ordered. "Emergency power!"

I lashed my arms out in a torrent of slashes, chopping his eels to bits.

But he didn't stop casting.

My mana was draining fast. I leapt back, further into the darkness of the forest to lose him, and just as I landed and darted off through the underbrush, a tree shattered into splinters and dust and a mess of leaves.

Hmmmm-click.

+1 Shotgun

I hid in a large bush and cradled the shotgun in my hands.

"Redrim~" sang the creeper. "Boy, y’know I can smell that sweet, sweet, bootyhole a' yours." He inhaled deeply. "I'm gon' getchu boi. I'm gonna getcho bootyhole~"

Oh god. Oh no. Why do all these crazed men want to touch my butthole of all things?

He erupted beside me from a bush and slashed at me.

I parried, aimed--

He vanished.

Wh-where did he go?

Something tapped my foot--a fuckin' eel!

My hands zipped up and grabbed a branch, and I swung myself away just as the eel exploded in an electric blast.

As I hurled across, as the wind roared past my body, I caught a glimpse of a grinning man.

He aimed his palm at me.

I aimed the shotgun--

and slammed into a tree.

The man sprinted over and kicked around in the bush from where I landed, dropping a few eels here and there, searching for me like a wolf on the hunt.

"There you are, boyyyy. I don' gotchu now boyyyyy. Imma get up in that yummy hole boyyyyyyyy~"

He uncovered the body of a trash can.

And froze.

He eased closer, took a long, long, uncomfortably long sniff, and said, "You a feisty one, ain'tcha?"

It was a decoy! I had used my new Molt ability to shed a thin layer of my skin, creating a decoy to bait him, and he fell for it.

My bottom rim snapped a twig, and he swung around to throw more electric snakes at me, but he was too late.

His eyes leveled right down the barrel of my shotty, and I blasted him.

He sprayed far as a scarlet mist, and his headless body thumped lifelessly into the grass.

The gunshot echoed far across the plains and mountains, and birds fluttered away.