It was to be a few day's walk, but only for lesser humans. I wasn't a lesser human. I was an autonomous weaponized recycling platform, and I was on a mission to get the last piece of shit that I needed to transcend into my ultimate form. So the trip only took a day and a half since I didn't need to sleep.

A night, a day, and another night of just vii-vrr-vii-vrr all the way across a long and empty and flat plain of green and fog. Not even trees. The Grand Magi apparently ran out of trees when they made this part of the world. That was the only explanation I could think of for this vast and featureless grass desert.

Regardless, after about 50 hours of walking in a straight line toward the signal, I finally arrived. And by arrived, I mean I nearly fell into it.

It was a large crater, big enough to fit several old and decayed buildings at the bottom. It was something like an ancient mining compound left abandoned here some centuries ago. A collection of warehouses, factory buildings, and a single dirt road cut through the middle of the compound and snaked up the side of the crater. The concrete buildings were falling apart, gripped by ivy and overgrown grass, entire piles of rusted-over metal machines with long scaffold arms and whirly little mechanical bits all set aside and forgotten lifetimes ago.

It was a junkyard.

I carefully trudged my way down the slope of the crater and to the compound at the bottom, sort of looking around like some adventuring tourist, waiting for Cassandra to tell me where to go. The silence was getting creepy here, and when the wind howled down from the lip of the crater, it shook the ruins of this place enough to crack and pop and rustle anything halfway loose.

I was... alone here, right?

"Imsi," said Cassandra. "I'm detecting a signal deep underground, but it is too weak to pinpoint a precise location."

I sighed--as well as a cyborg-trashcan-killing-machine could sigh. This meant that the Cosmic Shard was in some sort of cave complex. Which meant that I needed to dive into said cave. Which meant, as fate would have it, that it was going to be filled with all sorts of little monsters like spiders and creatures and shit. Of course. Caves were always like this.

It was no matter. If there were creatures, I would eat their hearts and take on their abilities. Perfect. This was progression! I was doing things!

I started to sniff around the place in search of an entrance.

The wind blew.

An old tin sheet rattled and shook. Something snapped behind me.

I froze and looked around. It was just the wind.

I stepped into the largest concrete building. It was a huge hangar, multiple stories high, and the midday sunlight poured in from the destroyed roof. It smelled like pollen here.

A rock plinked nearly.

I froze. The place was falling apart. That sort of thing happens. Right?

I took a deep breath and looked around. The place was empty. Barren. Nothing but pebbles and weeds here. I turned to leave--

And saw ghosts outside.

I fuckin' froze.

The ghosts were conversing in the scorching sunlight outside, but their voices were too low to hear. Ghastly quiet, those fuckin' things. They were dressed in soldier's uniforms with white capes. In their hands, rifles. The guy on the left had black hair with long bangs. A real punk-looking kid. The one on the right had a bald head, but he was just as young as the other.

Maybe they died back in an old war. Maybe they were haunting this place after a famed battle. Maybe they--

"Imsi," said Cassandra. "Those are not ghosts. Those are living people."

I paused.

Another soldier jogged up to them. A slightly older guy. "The others will get here soon," he said. "Look sharp, okay, buddies? The new CO is with us today."

The two ghosts groaned.

"Imsi..."

"Wait, Cassandra, I don't think those guys are ghosts. They might be alive." I stepped back. This was bad. Those were imperial uniforms. What the hell were they doing way out here and so close to the rebel camp? Fuck the rebels. I was the one in danger here. I didn't think I could fight them in this framework body.

I stepped back.

A rock crunched beneath me.

Their eyes shot over.

I froze.

"What was that?" The bald guy said.

"Ignore it," said the guy with bangs. "Just th' wind again."

"Hey, that's them, buddies," said the third. "Look sharp. They'll probably put us on digging duty."

Bald guy groaned. "We're scouts. Why in the ever-loving, cock-sucking fuck do we need to dig?"

Bangs guy chuckled. "You were sleepin' durin' the briefin'. This whole-ass op was to secure some bullshit stone." He lit a cigarette. "Cosmic Gem or some shit like that."

Fuck! The empire was after the same thing I was! There was far from any guarantee that there would be enough Cosmic Shards to go around, so I needed to get it first or somehow fight them all for it.

A distant shout came from the other end of the compound.

"Alright, buddies," said the third. "That's our cue. Head out."

The group turned to leave.

I eased around the corner to catch a glimpse of the soldiers and to get a vague headcount of how many would be here.

My little trash can heart dropped at what I saw.

It was an entire platoon.

Fighting was not an option. I would need to sneak my way in using my alpha wits and superior intelligence. Of course. That's right. I was smarter than them. Better in every way.

Hmmmmm.

And I knew just how to go about it.

Click-thoomp.

+1 White Bear Costume (Poor)

I tugged it out of my mouth and unfolded it. It didn't look poor at all! It looked amazing! I chuckled at myself for my seemingly endless genius. This would be a breeze.

I dressed in my new bear outfit. The fur was soft. Luxurious, even. It was the right dimensions, and I knew that if I still had my paladin body, it would've fit perfectly, but I wasn't in my old human body. I was a skeletal trash can. The arms and legs were a bit saggy, and I had no head with which to support the bear's face.

It was no matter.

Those soldiers were fucking stupid. They all were. They never not were. I remembered in my younger years as a squire, in my early levels, doing quests for the military here and there. They always needed help with the most menial bullshit things. It was always, 'deliver this letter', or 'harvest these crops', or 'burn that village'. Those suckers never knew how to do anything, so of course, they wouldn't be able to see through my most brilliant disguise.

I hunched down on all fours, like a real bear, and within moments I had down the bear walk perfectly. I sometimes even surprised myself by how good I was at things.

Now that I was ready, I set off to look for the entrance to the underground caves. This building obviously wasn't it, so I crawled over to the next. My bear outfit squelched against my metallic frame with every step, but it was no matter. I was just a hungry bear. That was my tummy squelching.

The next building was filled with junk. Twisted bits of metal, some grass, a mound of rocks. Nothing of note.

"Imsi," Cassandra said. "I have triangulated the entrance to the underground mines. It is 14.7 meters due East."

"Uh, East?"

"Across the road."

I stuck my head out of the doorway to see if it was clear. The soldiers were on the other side of the compound, having a sort of cute get together. One of the older soldiers passed around shovels, but those who've received one started to disperse from the group.

I needed to hurry.

With careful steps, I made my way across the street--the wind blew dust across my face, my fur rustled, my body squelched--and I stumbled into a tired red building.

My footsteps echoed here, and I could see clearly in the dim light that there was a rickety metal staircase at the end of the room. Perfect. A sort of low, quiet howl came from it, and I could smell the damp wetness in the air.

I started over.

"Oh, shit," a voice hushed. "What's that?"

I froze. My bear head dangled. I could see in the corner of my vision the two guards from earlier, Bangs and Baldie.

"Is it... moving? What is that? What the fuck is that?"

It was time to get serious. I needed to activate my ultimate bear-imitation-mode.

I took a few bear-steps, and I swayed my body bearishly, taking care to look like I was nuzzling my nose around in the dirt. Obviously, I was a bear on the hunt, and they should've kept their distance.

"Is that... Is that a goddamn polar bear?" Baldie said. I felt their eyes pierce me.

"Keep yer fuckin' voice down," Bangs said. "It'll hear us."

"I don't think so, man. Look at it."

They were quiet for a moment.

I started clawing around at a rock. You know. Bear stuff.

"You sure that's a bear?" Bangs asked. "That's the goddamn... ugliest fuckin' bear I ain't ever seen."

"Nah," said Baldie. "That's a bear, alright. At least I think it is."

I felt them stare again, and I knew I had them right in the palm of my little bear hands. Now was the time for the final blow. "Cassandra," I said inwardly. "What sounds do bears make?"

She answered. "If any among us qualifies as an animal, it is you, Imsi."

She was right. I was the most qualified for this. I had years of experience dealing with beasts of the forest, so I just needed to call upon those old memories.

I discreetly slipped out my manipulator arms to line the inside of my bear head (it was flopping around before), and with expert dexterity, I mouthed my best bear impression. "Gruu-wuu-wuu~~"

"Th' fuck is wrong with it?" Bangs whispered. "D'ya hear that?"

"I think it might be sick," Baldie replied.

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"No shit, it's sick. It's just skin an' bones! I see its fuckin' ribs! Lord a' mercy."

"Poor thing must be starving," said Baldie. "We should probably leave it alone."

Those fucking idiots couldn't tell a good disguise from a bad one. My disguise was perfect! I didn't look sick at all! I needed to up the ante. I meandered over to the corner of the room and pawed around in the dirt. "Gruu-wuu-wuu-wuu~~"

"No, dude," said Bangs. "You hear those fucked up squelching sounds coming from its bones? That lil' fucker is dying." I heard a clack from his rifle! "We best put 'em outta his misery."

"Nah," said Baldie. "It's dangerous. Leave it alone."

"Yeah, no shit, it's dangerous because it's out of its goddamn mind. Why in the hells is a polar bear this far outside its preferred climate? We oughta kill it to save us the trouble."

Ah shit. These guys were gonna blast me. I could feel it in my little skelly bones. I needed to find a way to incite sympathy for me. I was just a bear! A lonely, innocent, wounded bear! I tried to leave out the side door, making sure they could see that I was limping. "Gru-wuuu~~"

"It's fuckin' sick!" Bangs snapped. "Look at 'em! He's sufferin'!"

Baldie paused. His rifle clacked as he chambered a round. "Yeah, poor thing. We should put him down. It would be the noble thing to do."

Oh, fuck. Oh, shit.

I couldn't just run away, so I did the next best thing. I dropped dead, my body thumping in the dirt, and I make sure to twitch my foot to really drive the point.

"Well, shit."

"Solves that," said Bangs. "Damn. Poor fella must've been at death's door this whole time."

"Weird, though," said Baldie. "That a polar bear was way out here."

They paused. Footsteps crunched closer in the gravel. I felt them stare down into me.

Bangs took a deep breath. "Man, that fuckin' thing is spooky. Yeah, we should probably shoot it just to make sure."

Fuck!

I sparked alive and hit them with a growl. A real manly, bearish, guttural growl that would terrify even the strongest of men. "Grawuh-wawuh-wawuh!"

They fell back in fear.

"It's fuckin' rabid!"

"We have to put it down!"

I was out of options. I jumped to my feet and pounced at them, but I tripped on my saggy disguise. Still, it worked, and they both stumbled further back.

Bangs picked up his dropped rifle and swung it over to aim.

I was already gone, sprinting down into the mines and into the underground network of caves. The walls were cavernous, and several lanterns and torches lit the place. I heard voices within.

A rifle blast echoed past me. The cave wall beside me shattered in rock and dust. "Hey!" Baldie shouted. "Get that bear! It's sick and rabid!"

I turned a corner, down a hall, and left at a fork--always go left.

"Imsi," Cassandra said.

"Not now, goddamnit!"

I sprinted further and glanced behind me. A rifle flashed and popped, and I winced as another piece of the wall exploded.

These tenacious fuckers.

I took a hard right this time into what looked like a little side room, and I screeched to a stop.

In front of me, a dozen soldiers with horrified faces.

I stepped back.

They stepped back.

"Watch out for that bear!" Bangs's voice echoed.

The soldiers' eyes narrowed at me. I felt the poison of their stares. Slowly, some began to shoulder their rifles.

The bearded old man in front--the commander, probably--looked at me with fire in his eyes. "By the gods," he uttered. "That's not a bear at all. It's a demonic spirit!"

I took one step back.

They took one step forward.

The commander shouted, "Capture it! Its fur is worth a fortune!"

I bolted out of there.

The chase continued through the labyrinth of an abandoned mine. Forks after forks after forks, several layers high and low, and just as I felt I was losing them, another soldier emerged from another hallway.

"Imsi," said Cassandra.

I found myself in a hallway between two half-mined rooms. Voices and footfalls poured in from either side. I was trapped. "I'm about to fucking die, Cassandra. It's gotta wait."

"Hide here," she said.

I looked around. The edges of the hallway held deep ridges that seemed painted black from the darkness. I had been tricked by them several times by now, and I was reluctant to ram my face into another wall.

The voices came closer.

Fuck it, I thought. I dove in. The dip was empty, just big enough to squeeze my body into.

Footfalls pounded closer, closer, and a blur of people rushed by. Their footsteps were heavy with the rattle of military gear and rife with urgency. Some carried torches, but none thought to check the dips along the hallway.

"Where did it go?" one asked.

"I thought it came through here?"

"Damnit. We must've lost it..."

I took a sigh of relief. Was I safe now?

"Wait," a voice said. "What is that?"

I froze again.

In the dim light of the caves, I saw a group of soldiers ease closer, but their eyes were somehow off-target from me. What did they find?

"Imsi," said Cassandra. "I'm detecting Cosmic Shards nearby."

"For the last fucking time--"

"The shards seem to be alive."

"What?"

The guards gasped and shook back. The torch fluttered out.

"Wh-what the hell is that?" a soldier cried out.

"I-impossible," another said. "R-run. Run! We gotta get outta here!"

They stumbled back in a mess of panic, dropping weapons and torches, tripping over one another, and soon they were gone again.

But I didn't feel safe. No. Far from it. I felt a deep, guttural groan beside me.

The caves were dark now. Nearly quiet. Something thumped in front of me. It moaned.

"Cassandra," I said. "What the hell is this?"

"I am detecting trace amounts of cosmic energy," she said. "But the creature it belongs to is currently unknown."

I peeked around the corner of the ridge. It was too dark to see any detail, but I felt a presence. A terrible, hungry presence.

It was humanoid-shaped, and I heard a footstep against the mine floor with a fleshy slap. Was it barefoot?

The inner mines were a mess of noise with soldiers shouting orders, running this way and that. Their officers tried to take control, and each bark of an order echoed here.

And somehow, each piercing sound made this creature twitch and growl harder. Harder. Louder. Its footsteps first slow and cautious, now violent, angry, demanding.

The creature followed the noise.

I peaked over to see.

The half-mined room was lit by a single torch, and from the fluttering flame of it, I could see a shadow of a figure. It was... a man. A human? No. It couldn't be.

I eased closer.

The creature moved as if blind, only following the noise of the distant soldiers. It turned down a hallway.

I crept along behind it.

It passed another torch.

I froze.

This... wasn't a creature. It was human. There was no doubt. Or maybe it used to be human. Now, it's entire body was wrapped tight in shiny black leather, his face and eyes covered by a binding mask, and its mouth held open by some metal cage. Its arms were bound to its back, and it seemed to vibrate with energy, almost electrified, before it took great effort to lunge out its leg for an elongated step--almost like walking over something--and swaying its body like a drunkard.

This was insanity manifest. Its head vibrated and shook, and when a nearby sound came to it, its head clicked over in an instant--almost like a bird. With so much noise further into the mines, its head moved wildly as it stepped over, faster, faster, and now it was almost falling over itself in a drunken sprint.

I... drooled at the sight of it. Not because this thing looked like some sort of sexual degenerate fetish zombie, but because it was an unknown. A creature of untold power with uncharted abilities, and if I could consume its heart--

"Imsi," said Cassandra. "My analysis indicates a 3% chance of success at--"

"I've made up my mind," I told her. "I'm gonna eat that fuckin' thing."

I followed it silently as it hurried down a long hallway. Its body swayed and bumped and ground along the walls, its head shaking and snapped over at any sound as if to echolocate its target, and soon--

A soldier peered around the end of the hallway. He aimed a rifle--his eyes were wide with fear--and he fired.

The bullet slapped into the leather zombie's chest.

It froze.

I waited to pounce, to cut up this fuckin' creepy thing, waiting for the perfect moment for it to fall over and die.

Thhhhp--clink.

The lead bullet plinked against the cave floor.

The zombie let out a howl that echoed throughout the place, and it broke into a sprint.

A hail of gunfire peppered the hallway. I ducked for shelter.

Screams. Blood-curdling screams rang out as the gunfire stopped.

I chased after.

Hmmm-click.

+1 Longsword (Uncommon)

I was gonna eat that thing. I just needed to catch it unprepared.

I galloped at it on all fours like a horse, and the scene of carnage came into view. The creature was--holy shit--thrusting its ass at a soldier, pinning him down on the hard stone floor. It was a reverse pelvic thrust, just slam-slam-slamming against this poor fucker, shattering bones and crushing organs, and blood erupted from the poor guy's mouth, and I stopped in horror at the sight.

Slam-slam-slam.

The man was dead. He died seconds ago. The creature didn't stop. The man's body turned into a mulchy bag of meat, and blood squirted and pooled with every thrust.

I eased out the longsword from my mouth. The hilt caught on my bear-mouth and ripped it!

The creature snapped over to me.

I blinked.

It pounced! It was lightning fast!

I slammed hard on my back, this creepy-fuckin thing now straddling me, but it--what the hell?--it sniffed me. Like a dog. A dog in a real hurry. I struggled against it, but I couldn't move. It was too powerful!

I shot out a manipulator arm from my trash can body, snapped its hand into a knife blade, and shanked it.

No effect. The knife couldn't cut through the leather. How? Was it enchanted? Was it too high a level?

"Imsi," said Cassandra. "If you retrieve a piece of its armor, I may be able to run an analysis on it."

"On it."

With it continuing to sniff me down, I angled the longsword the best I could, and scraped the thinnest layer of leather off its armor. Then, I laid still. Completely motionless.

The creature stood up from me, angled its ass to crush me, then paused.

Footsteps approached, but from behind me. I waited.

Another gunshot. A bullet flashed against the cave wall. The creature spun over to face it, pausing--its head vibrated and snapped around to triangulate the source of the noise--and it took off in a sprint.

Soon, the footsteps from behind passed me.

It was more of them. More of those spooky black leather zombies. Nearly a dozen now, moving like swaying drunkards with somewhere to be.

They continued on.

I needed to hurry. I stuck the sword back into my mouth.

+1 Longsword (Uncommon)

Hmmmmm.

"Complete," Cassandra said. "This creature is known as a Cave Gimp, level 68."

This was bad. That thing was a bit too high of a level for me. "Does it have any weaknesses?"

"None that you have the ability to exploit."

I grinned. "Then I'll just have to be creative."

I jumped to my feet and started off again, following the remnants of carnage. The noise of a slaughter poured in from the network of mining tunnels, and I stepped over dead and dying soldiers. Blood splattered the walls and ceilings and pooled into the floors, and my feet tapped wetly across as I continued my pursuit.

I found a few rifles and equipped them on my manipulator arms--not for the gimps, but for the soldiers.

I turned left, another left, then a right, down a long hallway over destroyed equipment and scattered shovels, and screeched to a halt at the doorway of a wide, open room.

There was a fight here.

Most of the platoon had fallen back to a defensive line in what looked like an abandoned dining area. Electric lights lined the ceiling and walls. Old metal tables were overturned, boxes and crates stacked in front like sandbags, and the gimps were maddingly struggling over to assault the defenders, but a hail of gunfire kept pushing them back.

Hmmmm-click.

+1 Hand Grenade

I hurled it over.

The room exploded in dust and flame and the sound deafening as the echo rattled through the halls of the cave, and through the mess of noise and smoke, I pounced on the nearest gimp and pinned it down on its back.

It writhed beneath me, but I had just enough weight to keep it under control. It yelled out these horrible moans, almost as if it... somehow enjoyed this?

Hmmmmmm-click.

+1 Poison Potion

I looked down into its gaping mouth, held open by those metal cages. How convenient, I thought.

I drew out the poison and poured it in.

The gimp writhed and struggled. It lifted us both, and I felt like some cowboy stagehand riding a bull. Except I was bear with four spider-like manipulator arms sticking out of my torso that carried rifles. And my bear head was flailing around. And my pristine white fur now marked by blood.

"Holy shit!" a voice said through the smoke. It was Bangs. "It's that fuckin' bear! It has a gun!"

A black blur--another gimp--shot through the swirling smoke and tackled him.

The gimp beneath me gurgled and spat and--after a second of struggles, finally deflated.

The smoke from the explosion still hadn't settled, but the fight between gimp and man had broken into a brawl. Half a platoon of soldiers still inhabited the smoke in this massive room, but a dozen gimps were enough to counter them completely. Muffled through the smoke, gunfire and shouts and screams and fists pounding leather and asses breaking bones.

Hmm-click.

+1 Scalpel (Rare)

I went to work and dug in.

The leather armor had somehow been enchanted by the gimp's spirit power, but with the gimp now dead, the black leather that wrapped its body was now just that--leather. I cut long strips and gobbled them up through my bear mouth.

+1.2kg CyberLeather

Recipe unlocked: Cyberleather

I didn't know what the fuck Cyberleather was, and I didn't have time to care.

+1 Gimp lung

+1 Gimp ear

A boot slammed into my side, knocking me away.

It was the commander! He stared down at me with the fire of greed in his eyes. In his hands, a rifle carried upside down like a club.

I stood on my hind legs, my spider arms blossomed out to aim my rifles.

Click-click-click-click.

The guns were empty.

The commander charged. He stepped over the dead gimp, and it--convulsed! It was alive! It bit him on the ankle and latched on.

I sprinted over and dropkicked the old man away. I tumbled and rolled into the smoke, and I fell onto my side. The gimp writhed and screeched.

I slammed my scalpel into its heart and dug it out. The fell quiet, and I stood proud and victorious with the heart of a cave gimp in my hands. With the honor of a mad prophet, it shoved the heart down my bear mouth and into my trash can maw.

+1 Gimp Heart

Ability Discovered: Heart of the Masochist

I wanted to know what it was, but something told me I already knew.

A volley of gunfire pierced through the smoke. A bullet plinked and ricocheted off my trash can hull. The gimps were being pushed back!

"Cassandra!" I said. "The signal! Where is it?"

"Analyzing..."

I crawled away from the noise and toward what I thought was the doorway. Through the multi-colored haze of the place, I found myself walking on my bear-legs (I'm just a dumb bear, don't mind me!) toward the exit.

Closer. Closer. A man fell face-first onto the ground in front of me with a cave gimp on his back. The gimp thrust and shattered his spine, and another nearby soldier fired to save him. I crawled around. Closer. Almost there.

The exit! Freedom!

"Stop right there," a voice said.

I looked over. It was baldie. He stared with rage and betrayal behind the sights of his firearm.

"You're not a bear, are you?" he said.

I stared back. My bear-head dangled.

He clacked the bolt of his rifle to chamber another round. I don't really know why he did that. It should've been loaded to begin with.

"You're not a demon, either," he said.

I tensed, ready to pounce. If this guy, the one genius among a sea of dipshits, figured me out and lived, then the entire empire might come looking.

Hmmm-click.

+1 Flashbang

Baldie aimed with perfect stillness. Even when the brawl beside him threatened to spill over on him, he didn't move.

With a calm breath, he spoke. "You're a recycler. You're Redr--"

"Howdy!" A voice said from the doorway. It was a pimple-faced soldier with something cradled in his arms. A gem of some kind that glowed a pale blue. "Golly, what's goin' on down here? We havin’ a party?"

Cassandra spoke. "Imsi. The signal is coming from--"

I pounced him.

Baldie fired.

A bullet sparked through my inner wall and out the other side, but it was too late. In a flash, I cut up the poor kid and gobbled down the gem.

+1 Cosmic Cluster

Recipe Unlocked: Cosmic Shard

Clack-clack-clack.

The flashbang hissed.

"Redriiiim!" Baldie shouted.

The flashbang exploded with a deafening pop, and I sprinted away to safety.