Despite the grey skies, the girls insisted on visiting every clothes shop on Yaki’s list. The bags they forced me to carry slowly grew heavier and heavier as they wasted more and more money on outfits they’d only wear once.
Of all the habits Yaki had picked up from Pep, her complete disregard for the value of money was the one that aggravated me the most. We’re not rich, you damned fool.
That being said, I couldn’t say there were no silver linings.
“Kabucchi! Does this outfit suit me better than the last one?”
“Y-you look great in either…”
“That’s not an answer! Which do you like more?”
“Uhh… the black one, I guess.”
“Kaykay!”
Pep hopped back into the changing room with a beaming smile, and I put my hand to my chest. Yep, my heart rate had definitely spiked.
She had been asking my opinion on pretty much every outfit she tried on, and I was being constantly reminded just how attractive she really was. Part of me felt bad, it was clear she was comfortable asking me because we’re good friends and she trusted me, so I felt like a bit of a lech for thinking that way.
On the other hand, she was really hot.
“We’re in public, you know. Don’t go getting too excited, you damn pervert.”
“Oh, bite me, sis.”
Yaki had come out alongside Pep, and decided to begin attacking me the moment she was out of earshot. I guess my face must have been more red than I thought.
“I seriously don’t get what she sees in you. When you’re not being the loneliest little edgelord in the country, you’re leering at her with that degenerate gaze. I feel like I need a shower just after looking at you.”
“Hey, I’m not lonely, I’m alone, there’s a difference. And I have no such gaze. I’ve never had a degenerate thought in my life. I wouldn’t look so disrespectfully upon my best friend.”
“You mean only friend?”
“That makes her best by default.”
“A depressing admission, even from you. But are you seriously gonna tell me you don’t think she’s smoking hot?”
“Of course I do, but so do you.”
“I’m allowed to, I’m a girl so my thoughts aren’t as impure as yours.”
“You like girls though.”
“Who doesn’t?”
“Yeah, fair enough.”
I feel like that conversation completely lost its point somewhere, but so long as it got Yaki to stop grilling me about it I didn’t care too much. It was true, physically I did find Pep very attractive, as did pretty much everyone else who saw her. But I had reasons to never pursue her romantically.
First of all, she was so far out of my league that even I found the idea hilarious. The eye-bag-ridden gloomy guy had no place being with the most beautiful woman on the planet, even if anime and teen dramas would have you believe otherwise. We were of different castes in terms of both looks and social status. To presume to even consider dating her was a sin against the heavens.
And second, we had grown up together. People who dream of having a cute childhood friend to fall in love with slowly are stupid. It’s like having a sibling with none of the rigid social boundaries imposed upon siblings. Were we too close? Too distant? Was I in her way in the dating world? It was a stressful existence. Thus, I had long ago expunged the idea of her as a romantic partner from my head.
Thereby, as I’m sure you can see, accusing me of looking at her with anything other than complete purity is unfounded and ridiculous.
Kaburi, S. QED.
“You’re thinking something pathetic right now, aren’t you?”
“Stop reading my mind you massive bitch.”
I forgot, no one could see through me better than Yaki. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say she was the only person on the planet who well and truly understood my mindset.
This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.
“Well, it’s not like I don’t see your point. She is way out of your league-”
“Were you actually reading my mind?”
“But you’re also completely thick in the head. Have you really not realised it yet?”
“Huh? Realised what?”
“Christ, you’re a moron.” Yaki checked over her shoulder to make sure Pep was still in the changing room, before leaning in close and whispering “she’s trying to show off to you, you tosspot.”
“What?! Me? Are you a complete imbecile?”
“Oh, come off it. She’s asked your opinion on every outfit she’s tried on, only bought the ones you said you liked, and gotten all blushy every time you’ve complimented her. I refuse to believe you haven’t picked up on it.”
I wanted to rebut but I had little to say. There was no way she could have been right, was there? Pep crushing on me? The sun would sooner fall from the sky. She was only even around me because we’d known each other so long. We were as different as two people could be, and in my case that was not for the better. Besides…
“I’m pretty sure I already know who she’s crushing over.”
“Oh? What makes you say that? You don’t pay attention to anyone for long enough to notice things like that.”
“Generally you’d be right, but this is an exceptional case. She’s been practically foaming at the mouth over this new girl who joined the chess club.”
“Is that so? And what sort of person is this girl?”
“A real silver-haired beauty. You know Pep’s type, gorgeous and refined. Though she’s also a bit of a prick. She’s narcissistic, self righteous, she looks down on everyone, she thinks she’s way smarter than she is, and she’s such a pessimist about everything. Just a complete downer in everything she says and does. I’ve never known someone with such brightly coloured hair to be such a gloomy mare.”
“Hmmmmm?” Yaki raised her eyebrow and gave me a knowing smile, though I didn’t know exactly what it was that she thought she knew. “So, that’s what onee-chan is into these days? Gloomy loners that think they’re better than everyone else?”
“I know, right? Her taste in partners is so awful.”
“God, you’re an idiot.”
I decided to ignore that last comment as I saw the curtain rustle and Pep emerge from within. She was wearing a tight-fit red dress that suited her so well it was criminal. No wonder it took so bloody long for her to get dressed, conveniently allowing Yaki and I to have an entire conversation in the middle of the chapter completely uninterrupted.
“Alright, last one, what do you think?” She nervously struck a pose as she asked, and though the question seemed to be aimed at both of us, I noticed she kept making brief eye contact with me before looking away. Did she think I knew Sai’s tastes or something? She probably hasn’t realised yet that I barely know the girl any better than she does.
“It’s- you’re- you look great-” I managed to squeak out, my voice getting completely caught in my throat. Man, she was so pretty it was almost unfair.
“Hehe- I think I like this one the best so far. I’ll get to paying and then we can get going. I know we’ve probably bored you to tears by now.” She gave me a smile and ducked back behind the curtain again. As relieved as I was that the long day of shopping was finally drawing to a close, part of me was a tad disappointed that I wouldn’t get to see Pep in any more new outfits. It was amazing how she pulled off practically anything she put on.
“Oh come on, after that you can’t tell me there’s not something between you two?”
“What are you talking about? She just asked my opinion and I gave it. I’ve no idea what you could possibly mean.”
“Bull-fuckin-shit, bro. You could barely talk when she walked out in that dress, and she couldn’t stop looking at you and getting all blushy like a maiden in love. It almost made me a little sick. And jealous. God, I wish she looked at me that way instead.”
“You’re misreading the situation. Sure, I stuttered a little, but that’s just because she’s physically attractive, not because I’m in love with her or something. And she only cared so much about my opinion because I know the girl she’s crushing on. She probably thinks I know Sai’s taste better than she does or something. It’s nothing more than that.”
“Now you’re just being ridiculous. Why are you so adamant on denying that you two might have feelings for each other? Despite the fact that she’s a 10 and you’re a 2, you two would make a great couple. Why do you insist on being so negative?”
“You really think I’m a 2?”
“No, I was being generous. And stop deflecting.”
“Haaaaaa…” I sighed loudly. I should have known she’d see through that. “Look, I just… there’s no way Pep would fall for me, okay? We’re good friends but completely romantically incompatible. She’s a hopeless romantic who loves public affection and doing everything together, while I’m… well… I’m me. We would never work.”
Besides, if she really held any affection for me, it couldn’t be truly genuine. It would be gratitude and obligation, nothing more. She felt indebted to me after the incident that landed us both in that shithole of a school, that was all.
The idiot. How many times did I have to tell her not to feel that way?
“Dammit, onii-chan, I-” Yaki raised her voice as if she was about to completely lay into me, but she stopped and took a deep breath instead. “...you’re so obsessed with rationalising everything. Have you ever stopped to consider that matters of the heart are completely irrational?”
“I-”
I had no response. She was right. Of course she was right. Many things in life could be rationalised. Individual decisions and word choices always had a rationale, and understanding that rationale was the key to understanding the ulterior motives people harboured. Slyly picked words or seemingly meaningless choices could be picked apart to show the ugly truth behind people’s actions. An understanding of these rationales was how a loner could best avoid getting himself hurt: realising what others want from him, and denying it before some form of attachment could spring.
But love had no such rationale.
Matters of the heart seemed patternless, almost random. Nothing in the world was more unpredictable, more fickle, more volatile than the human heart. So of course, no matter how much I reasoned in my head that something must not be true, there always existed the faintest sliver of a chance that I was wrong.
I just hoped I wasn’t. I really hoped I wasn’t.
***
Finally, after so many hours spent in clothes shop after clothes shop, Pep paid for her last few bits and we were on our way. The six bags that I had expected to be complete overkill were damn near full, to the point that I had to force Dumb And Dumber to take one each so I could actually walk with them.
“I’d say we got one hell of a haul today, right, onee-chan?”
“I’d certainly agree, Yacchan. I’m not gonna have to come back for at least a month!”
“A month? All of these clothes and you’re only tided over for a month?” I could hardly believe my ears. If I had bought this many clothes in a single day, I wouldn’t enter another clothes shop for the next half-decade.
“You still don’t understand, do you, Kabucchi? A girl needs new clothes like… like a 40K player needs more minis!”
“I… I had no idea the plight of women was so serious…”
If it was truly that bad, I felt guilty for chiding Yaki over it so many times. It must be an insatiable ache, akin to the desire to breathe for a drowning man. Women were truly tortured souls…
We three were halfway through our walk home when something occurred to me, something that I hadn’t thought about since the morning.
“Wait, Yaki, I just remembered. What were the ice skates for?”
“Huh? What Ice skates?”
“What do you mean ‘what ice skates?’ The ones you told me to bring this morning! They’ve been weighing this bag down all day!”
“What? Are you an idiot? I said that as a joke, why did you actually bring ice skates?”
“...”
I retract all previous guilt, and have decided to become a misogynist.