The weekend finally rolled around, and I had plans to do my favourite activity in the world: play chess online in a dark room and pretend no one else exists. The way Kasparov intended.

Of course, our Lord and saviour had other plans that day.

“Onii-chaaaan, mum asked me to go shopping but it’s too much for me on my own, can you come with?” Called my sister from downstairs. I really didn’t want to, but I also couldn’t say no to her. The weakness of being an older sibling.

“Yeaaah, I’ll be down in a se- wait, did you just cal me ‘onii-chan?’ What are we, Japanese?”

“Huh- are we not? Why does Pep call everyone ‘chan’ or ‘cchi’ then?”

“…this is some really lazy and inconsistent writing. Well, whatever, sure, I’ll come with.”

“Great! Make sure to bring your wallet, six bags and a pair of ice skates!”

“Where the hell are we going shopping?!”

***

We didn’t live too far from the shopping district, so we weren’t walking long before we arrived at our first stop. Unsurprisingly, Yaki was not carrying a single one of the 6 bags she demanded I bring. It was pretty clear that when she said ‘come shopping with me,’ she meant ‘be my mule,’ but I’m simply too good of a sibling to turn her down.

The bastard. She totally knew that and took advantage of it.

“Alright, here we are! First stop, primark!”

“Didn’t you say mum asked us to go shopping? I thought we were picking up food or something, why are we at a clothes shop? And wait, we’re supposed to be in Japan, why are we at a British clothes shop?”

“Let’s just… not think about that for now. Besides, we’re already here so I figured I’d get some of my shopping done too. Be grateful, you get to see all my outfits before I buy them!”

“That only works if it’s a cute girl saying it, a little sister is immediately disqualified. When I see you in new clothes I think nothing other than ‘since when did have the money for this?’”

“What?! You never think ‘I have the cutest little sister in the world and I would kill any man who mistreats her?’”

“I think ‘if a man is gonna mistreat my sister I hope he’s rich enough to pay a huge settlement in court.’”

“Are you completely soulless?!”

“I’m pragmatically minded.”

“You’re a sociopath!”

“I’m offended by the term. The clinically correct nomenclature is “antisocial personality disorder.””

“You’re not even denying it?!”

Well, I was obviously lying. The overprotective nature of an older sibling would never allow us to be bought for any price. My sister’s safety comes above all else, which is why I practiced prostration every day. If she were to ever get an abusive boyfriend, I would be number one in the world at begging him to leave and find someone else. Not to brag, but I doubted anyone on Earth could sink to depths lower than me.

With the discussion of my supposed personality disorder ended, Yaki got to happily browsing every aisle of the reasonably-priced clothes shop while I awkwardly dawdled a few paces behind her carrying all the bags she insisted I bring. The curse of being the older brother to a sister with no boyfriend or girlfriend is that all of the shite that’s normally the SO’s responsibility is dumped on me by default. A cruel reality of a cruel world, those of us who care the most are the ones most taken advantage of.

I should create a union of older siblings, calling for a general strike from being helpful every time a younger sibling takes us for granted. Though I’d likely be unable to attend meetings due to being too busy helping Yaki. A catch 22 with no solution. You win this one, life.

While I was monologuing to myself about the unjust nature of siblinghood, Yaki had slipped into the changing room to try on her new outfits, leaving me to awkwardly sit down and wait in a corner of a shop filled with women. Reality truly is evil, isn’t it? That I should feel like a creepy loser for simply existing somewhere dominated by women, despite being there against my own will. I could only stare at the ground to avoid accidentally looking at people, but even then I just looked like a shady bastard. There was no winning. I would simply have to take it on the chin and accept the judgement of prying eyes.

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Fortunately, that problem solved itself rather quickly.

“Either you somehow found the one woman on the planet with a fetish for schizoid loners with eye bags and terrible posture, or you’re waiting for Yaki to come out of that changing room.”

The voice to snap me out of my internal crisis belonged to a pink haired menace, leaning forward and smiling a smile so cute it’d kill the average man.

“Pep. I’d say ‘I’m surprised you’re here’ but considering you’re wearing something new every time I see you, I expect you practically live here.”

“What a rude assumption to make. It’s lucky for you that you’re right.” Despite calling me lucky, Peppi flicked my forehead. It stung more than I’m willing to admit. “So, Yaki in there, then?”

“Yeah, we’re supposed to be out shopping for essentials but Princess Timewaster decided this was more important. You?”

“Just looking for something new to wear to make me look cute. A struggle every girl is forced to fight through.”

“Struggle? What struggle? You could wear a bin bag, a kabuki mask and clown shoes and still look cute. This should be no struggle for you at all.”

“H-huh?!” She seemed surprisingly taken aback at my compliment. I didn’t know why. I was certain she already knew she was cute. “You shouldn’t say things like that so lightly, Kabucchi… a lesser woman might get the wrong idea.”

“Can there be a lesser woman than you?”

“You ruined the moment with your stupid callback joke, I hate you so mu-.”

“Peppi-onee-chan!”

As my biggest consistent headache complained at me, she was cut off by the entrance of my second biggest consistent headache. Yaki suddenly wrapped her arms around Pep and spun around her in a hug that would take most people off their feet. Pep, a trained professional in taking my sister’s ridiculous flying hugs, was practically unmoved.

“Yacchan! Great to see you again! And you look so cute today!”

“You’re cuter! And that’s such an adorable nickname!”

I called you the same thing and you called me disgusting. What is this sisterly bias? She’s not even your real sister! I’m gonna cry.

“Kabucchi said you guys are in town to buy groceries and stuff, right? Some of the shops close early today so you guys should avoid taking too long in here,” warned Peppi.

“Oh, that? That was just a fib. I knew he wouldn’t come along if I said I was just going clothes shopping,” Yaki brazenly admitted.

“What the hell?! Then why the six bags?!”

“Duh, in case I buy six bags worth of clothes? I thought you were supposed to be smart, onii-chan.”

“Yeah, Kabucchi, that was pretty obvious, y’know.”

“I hate you both twice as much when you’re together.”

Since Pep and I grew up with each other pretty much from the moment we were born, Pep had practically been a second older sibling to Yaki. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say they knew each other even better than Pep and I. Unfortunately, that meant that my dearest younger sister had picked up many of the annoying habits that the pink menace had shown over the years. And I was just about to be victim to another.

“Since you’re here, onee-chan, you should join us! Once we’re done here we’re gonna check Hollister, Debenhams and maybe Uniqlo if there’s time.”

“Oh, no no, no way,” I interrupted before Pep could answer. “There is only one thing in the world slower than a woman who’s clothes shopping, and that’s multiple women who are clothes shopping together. If you two decide to make the day of this I might actually lose my mind.”

“Oh, c’mon, Kabucchi, it’s just some light shopping. We won’t stand around doing nothing all day or anything,” said Pep, standing around doing nothing. “Aren’t we childhood friends? Surely you know me better than that?”

Ack, she played it, the childhood friend card. She already had the ‘cute girl’ card played as passive, which meant that if the last one was played it would be the unbeatable trifecta that any man would crumble under.

“Pleaaaaase, onii-chan? As a favour for your little sister who you love so much?”

No! She played it! The ‘younger sibling’ card! When played in tandem with the ‘cute girl’ and ‘childhood friend’ cards, they were a force of social pressure that could shatter the will of even the bravest of men! It was a death sentence to refuse!

“…just don’t take too long, okay?”

“Yay! Love you, Kabucchi!”

“Thanks, onii-chan!”

“I have a bad feeling already…”

***

Much to my dismay, but not to my surprise, the girls spent a mind-numbingly long time trying on clothes in Primark. I had failed to bring my phone to entertain me, so I wasn’t even sure of the time. Perhaps ten minutes passed. Perhaps ten hours. The coefficient of time dilation with respect to boredom was a mystery to me, but whatever it was, it was too large.

Thankfully, after what felt like an entire weekend, Yaki and Pep paid for their dozen new outfits, which of course I was immediately forced to carry. But I cared little: I was finally leaving the accursed place.

“Your taste in clothes is as good as ever, Yacchan. Those outfits you picked out were drop-dead adorable,” Pep commented as we continued toward the door.

“I learned from the best, of course. But I’m surprised, onee-chan. Some of the bits you bought were a little risqué. Got a special guy or girl you’re tryna show off for, ‘eh?” Yaki gave Pep a knowing elbow, which caused Pep to blush a tad.

“There might be a person or two I’m interested in…” she said, nervously scratching her cheek. I initially rolled my eyes at the inane conversation, though I did a slight double take at the ‘or two.’ Who crushes on more than one person at once? That was odd even for the love-addicted Peppi.

Yaki and Pep continued their asinine gossip as we made our way out of the front door, only to be met with a grey skin above us.

“Ugh, looks like it’s about to rain,” Yaki complained. “Guess I should have expected that, tsuyu’s right upon us.”

“Yeah, typical British weather, the sky’s always bloody grey.”

“Seriously, where are we?!”