The time rolled around that every loner would eventually grow to dread: lunchtime. The same boredom and isolation as you get before lessons, but for the better part of an hour. You may think one can occupy oneself with eating, but lunch itself only takes up a fraction of lunchtime. The solitary who stay behind in the classroom find themselves twiddling their thumbs, so instead I tended to brave the halls of the school and seek out a place to eat in comfortable silence.

Pep wasn’t in this particular class, so I was able to slip out without anyone noticing (or caring) and wander the halls looking for somewhere empty and devoid of disturbances. I had a few areas I checked every day, small unoccupied classrooms and walk-in storage areas, but it was always a fifty/fifty as to whether someone would beat me to them. Lady Luck seemed not to be on my side today, as each and every last one of my usual spots was already taken by someone. Knowing this school, half of them would smell of marijuana the next day. And it’s the other half that I’d wanna avoid. I don’t even wanna think about what these miscreants get up to when they’re not high off their tits.

There was one spot left that I had yet to check, but it was quite far away. Luckily, this one was very rarely occupied, so the odds were good that I’d at least have somewhere to hide away until lunch ended. Sighing at my own misfortune, I began the walk to the other side of the school building.

Part of the reason I disliked this spot in particular is that it forced me to walk through the parts of the school most indicative of its general quality. Graffiti all over the walls, broken or vandalised lockers, junkie kids shooting up in the corner to no resistance from staff, the place was a complete dive. My classrooms were generally near the front of the school, which they tried to keep somewhat presentable for guests, but the areas further away from the entrance were a total Wild West. They had long since given up trying to make it look like anything other than a shitpit.

Truly, only the lowest of the low go here. The people that no other school in the area would take. Some with test scores in the single digits, some with no respect for faculty, some with criminal records.

We were the societal bottom of the barrel. The rejects not wanted by the system, but still forced to be part of it. It was a cruelty of society: it’s rules weren’t optional, but it’s help was.

What’s the solution to stupid or badly behaved kids that no one wants? Stick ‘em all together. Let the outcasts know they’re outcasts, so they grow up to be nothing more than outcasts. It’s what they deserve.

The very existence of this place sickened me. It was proof of the irredeemable nature of the human race. All these claims that we’re stronger together, but those who fail to conform are left to fend for themselves. A species where hypocrisy reigned supreme, and integrity was frowned upon. Loathsome creatures.

Before long, I found myself at the door to my last hiding spot. A closet way at the back of school that few new about and even fewer wanted any part of. It was rarely used these days because it was quite far out of the way, and a rumour had grown that it was haunted. That’s primarily because I had Pep spread that rumour so I could always keep it for myself.

Because of that, I could be pretty certain that anyone familiar with our school’s urban legends would steer well clear, and since they were a common topic of conversation, that ruled out the majority of the school. No one who had been here for long enough would touch the place.

“Ah-“

“Oh…”

The thought popped into my head the second I placed my hand on the door handle, and as the door opened I realised my bad feeling was right. There was one student in the school who hadn’t been here long enough to know our urban legends. Someone who had no idea which areas of the school to avoid. The very same person who I had promised to apologise to, and whose face I was somewhat dreading to see.

I turned to leave.

“Wait.” Sai’s voice stopped me in my tracks. “You’ve probably been looking around for a place to hide away this whole time, right? You won’t find anywhere else now. You might as well eat here, otherwise you’ll end up going hungry.”

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Part of me wanted to ignore her and just walk away, but I couldn’t deny what she was saying. There was nowhere else for me to go at this point except to make the walk of shame back to my classroom, which was the last thing I wanted to do right now. Besides, I could hardly ignore the growling of my own stomach. I rarely ate breakfast, so missing lunch would be cataclysmic.

Swallowing my pride, I turned back and entered the closet, closing the door behind me.

“…thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” she said, going back to silently eating her lunch. I opened my lunchbox and began to do the same, but there was a heavy atmosphere that felt rather oppressive. The two of us hadn’t exactly left off on good terms the day before, so I’m sure she was feeling as awkward as I was.

Not that it was a rarity for me to be on bad terms with people, obviously. The number of people I was on good terms with never left the single digits. But for most of the people with whom I shared a mutual hatred, it was as simple as never acknowledging one another’s existence whenever possible. A comfortable distance that was easy to keep.

This was different

It’s not as if Sai and I were friends or anything, but she was one of the only people in the school that I could see as an intellectual equal. Whether we liked it or not, we were, in a sense, stuck together. So how do you smooth over such an ambiguous relationship after an argument like yesterday’s?

I secretly found myself wishing Sai was Peppi instead. Pep and I had fallen out more times than I could count, as you could expect when two kids have been friends since birth. But every time we would have a huge blowout argument, sulk about it for the rest of the day, then go back to being friends the next day as if nothing had happened. Ours was a simple friendship, but one that I found myself appreciating more and more as I thought about the complexities of human relationships.

As I swallowed the last few bits of my lunch, I realised minutes had passed without a single word said. I glanced quickly at Sai’s face, but she seemed to be making an effort not to look at me. Which I suppose meant that the burden of breaking the silence fell upon me. Ironic, generally I was the one complaining about a break in silence.

“I… feel like I owe you an apology…” I finally said, with great hesitation.

“…go on.” She replied, after a long silence. Her tone was flat, but I detected some level of malice in it. Clearly she was still pissed about yesterday, but I had somewhat expected that. She didn’t seem half as fickle about these things as Pep.

“…it was wrong of me to pre-judge you and write you off as just another idiot not worth my time. I just… unfairly assumed you were one of the imbeciles I normally have to deal with and treated you like shit because of it. Even if we got off on the wrong foot, you didn’t deserve that, and I apologise.”

A silence fell between us once again, Sai not immediately reacting in any noticeable way. I wasn’t sure if she was mulling the words over, or just so dissatisfied with my apology that she didn’t seem it worth a response. Eventually though, she sighed and began speaking, still not meeting my eye.

“Well, you did apologise, which is an improvement, I suppose. But you still don’t get what the actual problem is, do you?”

“Ex…cuse me?”

“Look, I won’t pretend that a lot of the people here are the reason cleaning products need instructions, and that a lot of the other kids here are the reason shops have to security tag them, but even still, your immediate instinct is to look down on all of them regardless of whether you know them or not. You said it yourself, you see everyone else as worse than you. If it was narcissism it’d just make you annoying and unhelpful, but as you said, it’s born of contempt. Your hatred for humanity, the same humanity you refuse to help better, is the thing about you I can’t stand.”

“I'm surprised to hear that from you of all people. You don’t seem to have any love for them either.”

“You’re right. The majority of students I’ve met at this school I’ve found to be unpleasant to be around. But I know I haven’t the place to look down on them. No matter how much I dislike them individually, I’m under no illusions that I’m better than them, and I certainly don’t write them off as worthless just for being human.”

There was a venom in her voice that I hadn’t entirely expected. It sounded like she truly loathed me, or at least my way of thinking. I wasn’t sure what reaction I was expecting to my apology, but it wasn’t that.

“I… look, I just… I have my reasons to not exactly like humanity, okay? The human race… hasn’t exactly been kind to me.”

“You cannot expect to be excused for misanthropy without actually explaining why.”

“I just… can’t, okay? I can’t talk about it. Never again…”

No matter how hard I tried to avoid it, it always came around again. The topic I tried so desperately to avoid. The one I never wanted to confront again. The thing that convinced me of the truly hideous nature of man.

As silence fell once again, Sai wordlessly got to her feet and headed for the door. The only sound was the handle turning and the hinges opening as she stepped out of the closet. I looked down, expecting to hear the door slam, but was surprised by the next sound I heard.

“…I’ll see you at club later.”

With those few words, Sai closed the door behind her, leaving me wondering if I had made things better or worse.