“Who shat in your cereal?”

I admit, I was caught off guard. Given that this is the chess club’s meeting room, I expected my visitor to either be a member of faculty or a greasy neckbeard that thinks playing Yu-Gi-Oh is a transferable skill set. So when a pretty girl with silver hair and a scowl as foul as the odour of the aforementioned hypothetical neckbeard walked in, I was momentarily taken aback. Hence, she was able to get the first word in, and it was more uncouth than I could have possibly imagined.

“I’m sorry?”

“Don’t be yet. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of chances to disappoint me from here on out.” The silver-haired girl closed the door behind herself and took the seat opposite me.

“Oh? And what makes you say that?” I asked.

“Other than the the fact that your supposed ‘chess club’ has only one member, the main tip-off was the superiority complex that you’re radiating.”

“Superiority complex? Nonsense.”

“Are you saying you didn’t judge me as lesser than yourself the very moment I stepped in the door?”

“Of course I did, I just object to the term ‘superiority complex.’ Me being superior is actually quite simple.”

Not to brag, but I had become an expert at chasing people off over the years. With the exception of my family and one annoyingly persistent pink ball of energy, everyone who had tried to get close to me in any capacity had run for the hills. This was my patented Kaburi ‘people repellant’ move: act like an arrogant bastard the moment you meet someone.

So why in god’s name was this silver haired miscreant still here?

“Well, regardless of the questionable morality of its leader, I’ve come to join the chess club. So congratulations, your numbers are doubling today.” Confirming my worst fears, the girl stated her purpose plainly. For the first time in the two years since I had established it, someone was actually interested in my chess club.

Of course, such a thing couldn’t stand. I had to find an out.

“Well, so long as you can pass the entrance exam, there should be problem with that,” I replied.

“Entrance exam?”

“It’s quite simple, really. You just have to beat me at chess. I’ll even give you the white pieces to make it fair.”

This was an admittedly dangerous gambit. Though I trusted my own prowess, I had no idea what level the silver haired girl was at. But since I could think of no reason to outright reject her, this was what I would have to settle for.

“A match? Surely a chess club is a place to learn chess, why add such a high entry barrier?” The silver haired girl eyed me with a suspicious look. Her aversion to the idea boded well for me; she seemingly had little confidence in her abilities.

“Well, if that’s too high of a bar for you, you could always just give up. It’s a legitimate strategy.”

“Much as I wish that were the case, I’ve been told that I have to join a club for ‘enrichment’ purposes, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. This was the least objectionable option.”

This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

“What was the second least objectionable option?”

“Expulsion.”

“…feel free to take your first move.”

Plan A, talking her out of joining, had failed. Thus began plan B: crush her in a demoralising victory, that she may never attempt to join again.

After a moment of silently looking down at her pieces, she hesitantly made her first move. d4. That queen’s pawn opening.

Her immediate hesitancy gave me the impression that she had very little, if any, experience in chess. Judging her to be an easy opponent, I decided on a less-than-optimal response: e5, the Englund Gambit.

When counterplayed properly, the Englund is a terrible opening for black. A good white player could convert it to an advantage in both material and position. But without prior knowledge of its lines, it became a brutal trap that could win black the game in less than ten moves. A swift and crushing victory.

The silver-haired girl’s continued unsureness as she took the e5 pawn filled me with confidence. After knight c6 for black and knight f3 for white, queen e2 was played, and the trap was set.

In a vain attempt to save the e5 pawn, the girl played bishop to e4, allowing a vicious king-bishop fork with queen to b4. The girl become visibly distressed at this, realising she was under threat of losing material as early as move 5.

After a short search, she found the obvious defence of bishop to d2, blocking check and protecting the bishop at the same time, but allowing the aggressive play of taking the b-pawn with the Queen, generating a threat against the rook. Most new players will find bishop to c3, believing their bishop to be protected by the knight, but after a counterpin from black with bishop to b5 white finds themselves in a losing position with disadvantage in both material and position. Most players would resign at that point.

The silver haired girl, however, did not play bishop to c3. She played the much better knight to c3, denying the pin and protecting the rook with the queen.

It was a good move to find for a newbie, but it mattered little. I proceeded to play knight b4, attacking the c2 pawn. Upon thinking she’s found a queen-knight skewer with rook to b1, she would open up the devastating move knight to c2, checking the smothered king and forcing a lost queen.

That, of course, relied on her moving the rook to b1 in the first place. Which she didn’t do. She instead found the optimal move of knight to d4, protecting the c2 pawn from my attack.

Suddenly, my plan fell through completely. She had found the perfect counter line, and due to my own hubris I now had no active pieces except for a queen and a knight trapped along the b file.

I looked up from the board once again to see read her expression, but where there once was hesitation there now stood conviction. She had every confidence that she had already won.

After a few more moves resulting in a rook-king fork, it was clear that she was right. Silently, I laid down my king.

“You don’t even want to try?” She sounded somewhat disappointed at my resignation.

“What point is there in playing further? You countered my opening perfectly, I’m out of options.” I heaved a heavy sigh at my unexpected loss. “I was certain that you wouldn’t get the counterplay right…”

“I know you were. I made sure of it,” she declared triumphantly.

“You… what?” I failed to understand her. What did she mean she ‘made sure if it?’

“The victorious man first wins then seeks war. The losing man goes to war then seeks to win.” The girl put her hands behind her head and leaned back in the chair smugly.

“Sun Tzu? Why are you qu-“ my stupidity hit me like a freight train. I can’t believe I hadn’t noticed it. “You… you weren’t a beginner at all…”

“All warfare is based on deception. If I had told you my skill level off the bat, you’d have played safer. You got sloppy because you thought I couldn’t punish you. In other words…”

“You won the mental game first then put it to action. I went straight into the game and tried to win on the fly. It was over before it even began.” Much to my frustration, I had no excuse. I had been outplayed, not just as a chess player, but as a strategist. It was a total defeat. “I suppose that means you’ve passed the test. I’ll fill out the paperwork to add you to the club tonight, ms…”

“Sai. My name is Sai.”

“Well, Ms Sai, welcome to the club for loners, losers and the mentally ill. You’ll feel right at home.”

“Aren’t you the only other member?”

“Your point?”

“I expected less self awareness.” With that last zinger left to linger in the air, Sai got to her feet and headed for the clubroom door. “I’ll look forward to our future games, captain.”

Without a shred of sincerity to her words, she left the room and finally returned my peace and quiet to me.

I breathed a heavy sigh. Fifteen minutes after meeting her and that girl already had me completely exasperated. I had a feeling I was in for many headaches to come.