I had become a magical entity that didn’t require sleep, food, or rest but even I recognized that it was way too early in the morning for this bullshit.

“Mr. House!” called Ingrid from outside my front door, “I’m here to deliver your second notice of failure to pay your taxes.”

Ingrid was accompanied by what looked to be city guards of some sort.

! Stray cat used Scan !

! Threat level assessment: green !

“That’s just sad,” I thought as I watched the guards mill around just behind Ingrid.

It didn’t seem like Ingrid had brought any siege equipment or a mage with him, so I thought I could let everyone sleep in, but the spacial distortion that allowed for the casino to be bigger on the inside than the outside was doing some weird things to the acoustics.

Namely, it sounded like Ingrid was using a battering ram as a door knocker instead of a man knocking with his fist.

“Sorry Selina,” I apologized as she got the last few strands of her hair under control.

“S’not your fault,” Selina mumbled as she ran a brush through her hair.

“Just let me know when you want me to open the door,” I said.

Selina paused for a moment.

“Actually, can you open the window on the roof?” She asked.

I did a quick check and realized that I could.

“Yeah, what are you thinking?” I asked.

“Nothing, I just want to look down on him,” Selina replied with an aggravated expression.

I shrugged my metaphorical shoulders and let Selina climb up on the roof.

“Mr. House, if you don’t come out now, we will be forced to remove you from the premises,” Ingrid called out.

“Mr. House IS the premises you bureaucrat!” Selina exclaimed.

Ingrid blanched.

I paused.

Some of the guards gave each other curious looks.

“Remind me not to interrupt her sleep if I can help it,” I muttered to Carmen.

“Agreed,” Carmen replied.

“This is ridiculous. GUARDS open the door!” exclaimed Ingrid.

That seemed to snap everyone out if it and a few guards sprang into action.

“Oh nooo, whatever shall I do?” I droned sarcastically as the guards struggled against the magically sealed door.

“What are you idiots doing?” Ingrid hissed.

“Sorry sir, but we left all of our tools back at the guard station,” one of the guards with a slightly more fancy helmet replied, “you didn’t exactly give us much information to work with.”

Ingrid mumbled something to himself as he paced back in forth, the guards taking this as a sign that they could stop their efforts.

“Sir, what did she mean when she said that Mr. House is the premises?” asked fancy helmet.

“Oh Mr. House is the name the dungeon has picked out for itself,” explained Ingrid.

“This is a dungeon, sir?” asked fancy helmet.

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

“Yes, now don’t bother me, I need to think,” muttered Ingrid.

Some bombastic side eye passed between the guards as they looked between the unassuming warehouse, Ingrid, and each other.

“Maybe we should arrest the warehouse then,” joked one of the guards, perhaps a bit louder than he intended.

Ingrid spun around on his heel and glared at the guard with a scowl.

“An excellent idea,” Ingrid said, his scowl morphing into a grin, “guards, arrest this warehouse.”

All of the guards glared at the one who had spoken up and began to walk around to the back of the warehouse.

The wise cracking guard winced a bit before joining his companions.

Midnight followed the path Selina had taken and joined her on the roof.

“Pathetic,” Midnight scoffed as he looked down with an expression of disdain that only a cat could pull off.

“Feel like tossing them around a bit?” Selina joked.

“No, I suppose not,” sighed Midnight as he deflated, “it wouldn’t be very satisfying, I think.”

“That’s it, put your backs into it!” Ingrid exclaimed as the guards redoubled their efforts.

“Perhaps you all could use a break?” Selina shouted from the roof, “I could bring you all some water if you want.”

Ingrid shot her a sour look and then glanced back to the guards.

“Keep it up, I’m sure it’ll budge eventually,” Ingrid droned as the guards continued to strain against my walls.

“Damn, this guy’s kind of an ass,” I muttered.

“I agree, but this is too comical,” Carmen giggled as she joined Selina and Midnight on the roof.

This odd display of vindictive cruelty continued on until all of the guards were panting and using the walls to support their weight instead of trying to move me.

“All right, I suppose that’s enough,” said Ingrid, “Mr. House, seeing as though you’ve bested the guards, I’m going to be forced to escalate.”

“You and what army?” Selina shouted back.

“Oh, you’ll see,” Ingrid replied with a cocky expression before gathering the guards and making his way back down the street.

“Selina…” I sighed.

“Oops, sorry Mr. House,” Selina replied telepathically, “in my defense, he interrupted my sleep.”

“That’s fine. I just hope he doesn’t bring an actual army next time,” I said before sending a [stray cat] to tail Ingrid from a block or two away.

“If that’s the case, we’ll need to shore up our defenses,” Midnight suggested before hopping back inside.

“I’ll see what I can throw together,” I agreed as Carmen and Selina followed close behind him.

The [stray cat] was able to follow Ingrid in the guards to a main road that I hadn’t seen before.

“Man, I need to get a better layout of the city,” I thought as I watched them amble on down the road.

For the most part, Ingrid chattered away, seemingly oblivious while the guards followed wearily behind him.

Finally, the group of guards looked like they returned to a guard outpost as evident by the relieved expressions on the guards’ faces.

“Should we be expecting you tomorrow, sir?” asked fancy helmet before they parted ways.

“No, the paperwork is going to take quite,” replied Ingrid, “I’ll have to wait on replies from notaries and the appropriate offices before I can deliver the third and final notice.”

“Very good sir,” said fancy helmet with a surprising amount of self control to keep their tone neutral.

The guard who had made the quip earlier looked like he was about to say something else before he was quickly silenced by a pointed look from one of his peers.

“Thank you for calling on guard garrison forty-four, sir,” said the guard before giving Ingrid a crisp salute.

“Yes, well good day to you gentlemen,” replied Ingrid before departing.

As soon as he was out of sight, the guards all sagged and made their way into the building, no doubt to shit talk Ingrid over lunch and then again over drinks tonight.

“Maybe I should give them a coupon,” I chuckled as I caught back up to the tax collector.

I followed him down the main road for a few more blocks before my stray came across a large wall.

Ingrid stopped at a gate in the wall, casually showed something to the guard, and continued to walk into the city.

“I doubt that I’m getting past that,” I thought as I looked at the wall that must have been almost two stories tall.

Great buildings with tall spires could be seen from the rooftop I currently occupied that only paled in comparison to the massive castle behind them that surely held some sort of nobility.

Ingrid continued to walk until he was out of sight.

“Well, I didn’t get to find out where he lived, but this wasn’t a total bust. I’ve got a rough time table and I know about where he’ll be coming from,” I thought to myself before mentally assigning a few more [stray cats] to the area.

I sighed and considered my options.

On one hand, Ingrid was just exaggerating and he didn’t really have an army, implied or otherwise.

On the other hand…

“Well it won’t hurt to see what I can whip up in a week,” I muttered before returning my awareness to the casino and opening up the menu.