Being a building, I didn’t necessarily get hot or cold per say, but I was aware of the weather.

“I guess this world has a fall season,” I muttered as a cold draft blew through the streets.

There weren’t any trees in the area, so I wasn’t sure if the trees were changing colors or not.

“Come on House, you’re just trying to distract yourself again,” I muttered before forcing myself to think of my most recent conversation with Mr. Serendipity.

The self proclaimed god wasn’t very subtle when it came to his prophecies. Jokers were usually wild cards when it came to most card games and he had mentioned an enchanter’s point on the diamond.

Sure, I had a few diamonds in my inventory, but not one that matched the description of a flawless diamond with a circular brilliant cut and an enchanter’s tip, but I was pretty sure I knew where to find one.

Hilda and Alma were the only two wizards specializing in enchantment that I had scanned so far. Not to mention that they’d been using illusions whenever they had shown up in the casino. Their appearance was a wild card so to speak.

I’d probably need one of those diamonds sooner rather than later, so I decided to post the quest in the hidden room next to the exchange chest where Hilda and Alma were most likely to find them. Maybe they’d be quick to bite if I offered either chips or money in exchange for the diamond in question.

They’d been strangely keen on getting their hands on as many potions as possible lately, but that was a question for when I could ask them a bit more discreetly. I didn’t want to embarrass the two of them after all.

Suddenly, my train of thought was interrupted by a notification.

! Stray cat used Scan !

! Tax Collector: Threat level assessment: Blue !

I stared at the notification for a minute before hopping into the [stray cat] that had created the notification.

Sure enough, there was a human with a pencil thin mustache, greasy slicked back hair, a clipboard, and a sash that probably denoted some position of governmental authority.

He was also smiling and humming a jaunty tune.

“Selina, we’ve got a bit of a problem. How much do you know about tax law?” I asked my voice as I returned my awareness to the casino.

“Huh, what kind of question is that?” asked Selina in response.

“There’s an entirely too happy tax collector on his way to the front door,” I explained.

“Oh, that is a problem,” she agreed.

Selina took a moment to make herself presentable before hurrying to the front door just before the tax man arrived.

“All right, let’s see what this is all about,” I muttered, “Carmen, I don’t think this is going to get violent, but could you back up Selina in case she needs help?”

“Certainly, Mr. House,” Carmen said as she strutted up to the front door behind Selina.

I opened up the front door just as the tax collector arrived.

“Greetings, my name is Selina. how can we help you?” asked Selina diplomatically.

“Ah how do you do Selina, my name is Ingrid. Is this the establishment known as The Lucky Cat Casino?” Ingrid asked in a tone that all customer service workers seemed to have.

“I guess,” I shrugged, “that’s what people have been calling this place anyways.”

“That would be correct,” Selina replied.

“Well according to my paperwork, you’ve been operating a business without a permit for the past two months. Needless to say, this establishment is quite behind on it’s taxes, not to mention there are permit fees to the crown and to the city council,” Ingrid began.

“I wonder what the fee is to get him to fuck off,” I said.

“Is it possible to settle this now?” asked Selina.

“Certainly, here’s an invoice for all of the fees you’ve accumulated,” said Ingrid as he handed over the clipboard.

Selina winced.

I winced.

This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.

“Of course this is more of a conservative estimate,” Ingrid began, “we haven’t taken your income into account. You have been keeping records of your finances, haven’t you?”

“I’m not sure where magical money generating cats go on an accounting sheet,” I said, “I want to know how this pencil pusher heard about us in the first place. He looks way to clean to be from this district.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, how did you learn about us?” asked Selina.

“The tax offices has the option to anonymously report a business if you suspect that they are trying to evade taxes,” Ingrid explained.

“Reported? Rex you rat bastard,” I muttered.

“I’m afraid that we’re likely familiar with the party who reported us,” Selina mentioned, “we’ve had a few disagreements with them in the past, so it’s likely that the report wasn’t made in good faith.”

“It’s not my responsibility to mediate between parties. However it is my duty and the duty of the citizens of Harmony City to do their part and pay into the services that citizens utilize, regardless of what kind of citizen they may be,” Ingrid said.

“Wait, what does he mean by ‘what kind of citizen?’” I asked.

“What do you mean by ‘what kind of citizen?’” Selina repeated.

“Well, part of the report indicated that the proprietor of the establishment was a dungeon,” Ingrid said casually.

“Well… fuck,” I swore.

I had a tenuous truce with the delver’s guild, but would Amanda be forced to take care of me if the monarchy or the city council ordered her to do something? Harmony City probably had a military or at least a town guard, so even if Amanda refused, I still might have a fight on my hands.

My mind was reeling before I suddenly remembered something.

“Wait, Hilda and Duke both implied that the jury was out academically if dungeons were even sentient,” I said, “can you even tax something that’s not sentient?”

“Mr. Ingrid, are there any laws that specifically acknowledge dungeons as people?” Selina asked.

Ingrid suddenly looked like he had bit into a lemon.

“Regardless of the legality of your personhood, you are clearly operating a casino as well as a restaurant inside the walls of Harmony City. The laws are very clear about the levying of taxes against both of those businesses,” Ingrid replied defensively.

I grinned.

“Sounds like a legal gray area to me,” I said, “maybe we can hire a lawyer or something? It might keep him off of our asses for long enough to weasel our way out of this.”

“Mr. Ingrid, I’m afraid that we’re going to need legal council before we agree to pay anything,” Selina said.

Ingrid looked like he had bitten into a second lemon, or perhaps a lime.

“Mrs. Selina, I hope you realize that every day you don’t pay, the fees will continue to increase,” Ingrid said sternly.

“Hmm, and now he’s using bullying tactics. This is sounding more and more suspicious,” I noticed as I took a harder look at the invoice and noticed that it lacked any official looking seals or even a letterhead.

“You think he’s a fake tax collector?” asked Selina telepathically.

“No, the scan said he’s a tax collector,” I replied, “I don’t know how things are done here, but he just handed us a sheet of parchment with a total at the bottom. There’s no seal or anything. Maybe he’s trying to take advantage of our ignorance.”

“It is weird that it looks so informal,” Selina replied.

“Mrs. Selina, are you going to be paying today or not?” asked Ingrid.

“I’m sorry Mr. Ingrid, I’m afraid that my answer hasn’t changed,” Selina replied.

Ingrid grew red in the face and took a threatening step forward before he froze in place.

A light glow enveloped Ingrid and he began to float in Carmen’s telekinetic grasp with a look of shock on his face.

“What is the meaning of this!” exclaimed Ingrid.

“The Lucky Cat Casino does not tolerate threats or violence,” Selina explained, “Come back when you’ve calmed down.”

Ingrid sputtered and flailed around wildly as Carmen slowly levitated him out the door and set him down.

“Mrs. Selina, I’m warning you-” Ingrid began before I shut the front door in his face.

Ingrid paced around for a moment before eventually leaving.

“Whew, that guy had a temper,” Selina sighed.

“Yeah, this was really unexpected,” I replied, “I wonder who we could talk to about business taxes and possibly how to commit tax fraud?”

“It’s not like we’ve got an accountant,” Selina said.

“Yeah and I don’t want to tell anyone that Carmen and Midnight can passively make money,” I added, “people would be foaming at the mouth to cat-nap them if word got out.”

“As much as I’d like the attention, I don’t want anyone to try and take me away from you, Mr. House,” Carmen said.

“Don’t worry Carmen, it’ll be a cold day in Hell before I let them take you and Midnight away from me,” I assured her.

“What’s with all of the racket?” Midnight yawned as he came around the corner, “we aren’t open for a few more hours at least.”

“Don’t worry, it’s just someone else trying to extort us,” I replied.

“Are they still out there?” Midnight asked with a sudden edge to his voice.

“No they’ve left,” I replied.

“Perhaps we should start making examples out of people who try to hurt us,” Midnight suggested with a growl.

“No Midnight,” I sighed, “the fact that we haven’t killed anyone is the reason that we have customers and that everyone still trusts us.”

“I didn’t say that we had to kill them. Mittens can make some pretty good healing potions the last time I checked,” Midnight clarified.

“I understand your frustrations brother, but we need to keep up appearances,” Carmen said, “appearances that don’t include toying with our enemies like I’ve seen you toy with rats.”

“Don’t worry Midnight, once we get this tax situation settled, I’m going to get back at Rex and the Skisfinks for everything they’ve done to us,” I assured him.

“Trust me, I’m looking forward to it,” Midnight said with a wicked grin.