“What’s an extended warranty?” She asked.
“Something from another reality, I’m afraid.” I’m not sure how long I can keep this up, but at least when it’s over she’s likely to eat me or burn me alive and then this will all be over.
Her velvet eyes narrowed, “What do you mean, ‘another reality?’”
“I mean that I’m not really from here. Just a tourist, if you will. I’ve been looking for you for quite some time, I’ll have you know.” Oh sweet mercy, it looks like she’s taken with this somehow. Why does it look like she’s excited? Why would she be excited? I’m literally spinning utter bullshit here.
“Why have you been looking for me?” She took a small step back. “Is there something I need to know about?”
“Yes, err … the warranty …” I was just making a joke and now I’m screwed. “… is about to expire and if you don’t renew it, there are some very serious inter-planar forces who are very serious about repossessing your little fortress here.” He made a show of looking around as if he could see the very fabric of reality. “But I’m here as a …” C’mon, think! “… customs agent! A customs agent who is here to … warn you that … payment is due on the first of every month and you’re exactly three centuries, one hundred, forty two years, and six months behind.”
“Really?” She blinked.
“Yes! I … I … I came here specifically to speak to the owner of the place about this.” He waved his hands as if this were all very normal and obvious to him. “You’ll have to forgive me for sneaking in like I did. I hope my retainers didn’t make too much of a mess. Dangerous work, being a customs agent, you know.”
She looked at him for long moment, her eyes staring suspiciously into his. “I’m not sure I believe you.”
“I-I-I can a-assure you that my employers are very serious.” Stay calm you fool. You’re in too deep now to back out.
Her eyes narrowed, “I’ve never heard of this warranty thing before.”
“Weren’t you notified of your obligation upon occupying the fortress? Usually someone visits you in the form of a geist or a spirit. We employ them, you know.” He wagged his finger in annoyance. “Otherworldly spirits don’t come cheap! If one of them failed in his obligations, then I-I-I will be taking my complaint straight to the front office!”
She shook her head, “I wasn’t notified of anything, warranty or otherwise.”
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“W-W-Well then we’ll just have to file an extension.” He let out a long breath that for him was relief but hoped that, for her, looked like something else.
She looked annoyed now and a bit confused. After giving him another sidelong glance, she walked over and sat down across from him. Slowly, deliberately, she crossed one sculpted leg over the other. “Tell me, what’s the name of your employer.”
Oh gods, I can’t stutter here. “Field and … Stream.” Where did that come from? He continued quickly before she could fit in another question. “We’re a very established brand in the fortress warranty business. Long standing reputation and all that, respected even.”
He looked at her, waiting for her to speak while she looked at him, her eyes narrowing. He decided to keep going. If I’m digging a hole, I might as well dig a really deep one. “Th-There really shouldn’t be anything to worry about. I can file the extension right away. From here even. All I need is my hands free and I can see to it. Shouldn’t be an issue.”
He immediately realized what he had said. Why did I say that? Why did I say I could do it from here? I should be convincing her to let me go. No. Wait. That’s too obvious. But what do I do now?
He could see she was thinking about it. He watched as she bit her lip, obviously deep in thought. Okay quick, think of something to take the edge off. “But if you need to think about it for a second, I can completely understand. I’ll have you know this isn’t the first time I’ve faced a misunderstanding like this.”
“Yes, about that …” she had a devious look in her eyes. “… what if I were to just burn you alive? I wonder what would happen then?”
“W-W-Well, for one I would be very upset with that. I’m in no hurry to begin a second career as a spirit.” Did she almost laugh there? That’s good. I’m doing well, I think. “B-B-But for another you’d then have to deal with our escalation department and trust me, you don’t want to deal with them.”
“What’s an escalation department?”
“That’s when they think you don’t intend to pay. Then they have to forcibly seize assets with the intent of … ah … for the purpose of recuperating their own losses.”
“I see … just one more question then.”
“What’s that?”
“What’s my name?”
“Ah … you’re the dragon Vevic, right?” He tried to think fast on what to say next. “I was only given the address and type of building held under the warranty. We customs agents have to do with the information we’ve been given. This, incidentally, is also why I believed you when you said you hadn’t been properly contacted. When I asked why there wasn’t a name, they said it was a clerical error, but now I can clearly see that it wasn’t.”
Another silence passed where she looked down on him and he up at her. He wanted to keep talking, but some deep instinct within him told him to stop.
“I think you’re full of shit,” she said. “I think I’m going to cross check your story with your friends and I’ll bet anything they’ve never heard of Field and Stream.”
Well dammit.
“I also remember you from the last dungeon I was in. I think I remember you and that little red head you had with you doing a lot of property damage.” She had an arrogant and knowing look now. “I don’t think that sort of activity is something a ‘customs agent’ is really supposed to be involved in. Do you?”
“Er …” Lefty stammered.
“There’s also the sticky matter of what happened to my mother. You might remember her. White robe. Commanding presence. Snakes for hair. I found her dead with a stab wound in her back.” Vevic glared, “So I think I’m going to have you locked in the northwestern tower until you’ve come to your senses. You can just sit up there until you decide to tell me the real reason you’re here. Until then, you’ll have a front row seat for tomorrow when I execute your friends.”
“What?” This wasn’t part of his plan. Then again, he wasn’t sure he actually had a plan. “What do you mean, you’re executing my friends?”
She waived her hand dismissively. “The goblin and the dwarf. I’m planning to execute them tomorrow at dawn.”
“But … but …” he couldn’t think of anything to say, so he just watched as she walked to the door. “Wait!”
But she was gone as the trail of her dress disappeared around the corner as the gnoll shut the door behind her. A few minutes later, a pair of hulking hobgoblins arrived and unchained him from the bench and guided him outside. Then, as he was being escorted across the yard, with the star-filled sky above him, he realized that he had completely forgotten to ask just what Vevic had decided to do with Feathers.